Head wrecked at home

LegacyUser

I'm 23 and back at the parents house for a month or two before I go to do my postgrad study in Dublin. I've been living away since I was 18. Back a week so far and my head is totally wrecked, mostly by my mum. She just picks on me all the time despite the fact I am the only one who helps her out! Now, I know I should be expected to help out and I don't mind at all doing the cleaning and cooking all the meals but my brother (22) and sister (20) don't do a tap! Every day they just leave their cereal bowls and plates on the table, in the living room or in their bedrooms and I have to clean up after them. They leave their pots dirty on the cooker, used towels on the floor of the bathroom etc. I don't see why I should have to pick up after them. It has always been like this - we're so close in age and all in the same situation that I don't think it's fair that I'm always the responsible one. If I ask them to do anything I get abuse and they just don't do it. Or they promise to do it and then don't, leaving me to rush around and clean up before the parents get home from work.

I suggested to my mum that we should have a rota for cleaning and cooking and she just asked 'why' and snapped my head off. She said my bro and sis aren't even at home - they're just out for a few hours! They were here all day and are here every other day! She then started moaning at me for not having done the dishes, while I was still eating my dinner! The breakfast and lunch dishes were done and the kitchen clean. She said I was selfish and annoying and just like moaning - I don't think suggesting that my siblings help me is moaning! And if I was selfish, why would I cook dinner every night and do all the cleaning? It's like she just expects me to do it and she doesn't expect them to do anything. I was considering not helping out at all for a few days and letting her see how little they do, but as well as being rather childish, I know it won't work. She won't see it like that, she'll just see that the place is dirty and give out to .............. ME! I just think it's incredibly unfair that I'm the only one who cares about my mum and tries to make her life easier and constantly get moaned at and shouted at. She often makes a point of being really nice to my sister and excluding me and putting me down. My sister is aware of this but my mum is totally oblivious and thinks it's all in my head.

How can I deal with living here for 3 weeks and not going mad? I know it's stressful for my parents, but I think it's downright mean the way my mum treats me (my dad usually agrees but can't be bothered to argue with her). Should I just try to stay in my room as much as possible?

herya

Looks like a case of a passive-aggressive Irish Mummy - she likes to sacrifice and she wants to force you to. I'm not sure if you can fight it if it's very ingrained, I'd sit it out and be gone when you can.

JohnW2008

All it looks like is a massive over reaction. Come on OP get a wee bit of perspective. So it ain't going brilliantly, you have to do a bit of cleaning, housework etc. Younger siblings appear to be doing less than you. Isn' that always the way in every family.

Not the end of the world!

LegacyUser

Count your lucky stars! I'm 23 and stuck at home in hell for two more years. 3 weeks is a drop in the ocean my friend. Get up in the morn, go out..wherever.. town, library..just away.. tell nobody.. come home go to bed repeat 21 times.

CDfm

23 and getting ready to do a post grad. Are you working at the moment. At 23 you are an adult.

LegacyUser

as was already mentioned here, perspective is needed. everything is relative to your life but if you look at other posts in this thread to do with family life then this is easily overcome.
for your own sake dont get stressed, it more than likely wont change the situation and will meke you feel like sh*t!
3 weeks and your outa there...do stuff you like away from the house,meet friends, maintain plesant atmosphere with the folks. not a cop out but..they do love you, but they seem to be taking you for granted,unintentionally it seems also.
good luck and head up.

schumacher

Refuse point blank to do things. I dont know why other people think its ok to let parents behave like this. If you were doing that to them you would get different responses. Unless you make them see what they are doing is wrong they wont stop. You shouldnt let your mother take you for granted like that. Your brothers and sisters should pull their weight. You are the easiset member of the family to get to do things so you get taken advantage of. Everybody takes advantage of others if they are let. I know it might be a minor issue but still.

kiwikid

JohnW2008 wrote: »

All it looks like is a massive over reaction. Come on OP get a wee bit of perspective. So it ain't going brilliantly, you have to do a bit of cleaning, housework etc. Younger siblings appear to be doing less than you. Isn' that always the way in every family.

Not the end of the world!

you don't want to clean up after them then don't - but they are who they are allowed to be that way by the Oirish Mammy so mind your own business and clean up after yourself.
Why for 3 weeks would it be such a burden to load their plates into the dishwasher as well as your own.
It seems you really dont want to do anything for them moreso than want to help your mother.

kiwikid

schumacher wrote: »

Refuse point blank to do things. I dont know why other people think its ok to let parents behave like this. If you were doing that to them you would get different responses. Unless you make them see what they are doing is wrong they wont stop. You shouldnt let your mother take you for granted like that.

cause they reared you and its their home - they can walk around starkers if they want to. You got a problem then tally ho to Dublin!

schumacher

kiwikid wrote: »

cause they reared you and its their home - they can walk around starkers if they want to. You got a problem then tally ho to Dublin!

Thats still not an excuse for it imo. In response to that OP when you do move out and they want something from you remind them that they should ask your other siblings. Childish I know but perhaps effective.

CDfm

It kind of seems to me OP that you came back and expects it to be like a shared college house with rotas and stuff. Everyone has their lives too and with all due respect you pop home at a loose end and really are a grown up.

You sound unaware of the day to day stuff that is going on in family life when you live away and the slotting in thing you find hard.

It seems to me OP that you have thrown a strop and your mother is treating you like a teenager and it may be what you deserve. I would probably think your mother feels that you could help out for the few weeks that are there without grumbling and saying " its not fair thats Jimmys bowl not mine".

It seems to me that you are rehashing teenage games about who has done what chore and it must be quite painful to listen to. You are expecting praise for stuff your Mum does automatically and doesnt get praised for.

So can you see that your mother might want your help for a break and no confrontations for a quiet life. When you are gone they will all slip back to their normal routines as you will to yours.

professore

Who's paying for the postgrad ?

LegacyUser

CDfm wrote: »

23 and getting ready to do a post grad. Are you working at the moment. At 23 you are an adult.

What exactly are you getting at here? Do you think 23 is old to be doing a postgrad or something? Because I will be the youngest person on the course, according to the head of department. I did a 4 year degree, took 2 years off to save up for the postgrad and am starting in September. I have been working almost the whole time since I finished college, renting a room in a house. My fixed term temp contract finished in late June. I'm certainly not some spoiled Mammy's girl who has never worked, if that's what you're trying to imply.

It's not that I mind cleaning up, even. I just don't like that I do a good bit and am moaned at for not doing more, whereas they do nothing and are not expected to do anything. There are a lot of other issues I haven't gone into here because they can't really be solved but basically I feel my mum is resentful of me a lot of the time for some reason. I'm not expecting a big thank you for making dinner or doing a wash. I just don't appreciate being told how selfish and inconsiderate I am when I am blatantly not. I know I shouldn't clean up after the bro and sis but I hate the thought of my mum coming in to a filthy kitchen, so I do it because I feel bad. My brother and sister just don't care, never have. Yet they never get given out to. Another thing is, I'm still supposed to be 'looking after' them! My mum gave out to me the other day for not making sure my sister had eaten lunch. She's almost 21! She's just back from travelling in Thailand, she's finished a degree and I'm supposed to check that she can feed herself?! The parents just don't seem to realise how old she is. I often feel like I am here looking after two small children, that's the only way to describe it. I know I should get out more but unfortunately we live in the country and I've no car, so I'm sort of stuck here all day!

LegacyUser

professore wrote: »

Who's paying for the postgrad ?

I'm paying for it. Saved up for it and will take a loan out. I paid for most of my undergrad as well.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

When you leave home and become your own person it is verrrrrry difficult to go back to the family home, be proud of yourself you have learned to look after yourself this will stand to you when you leave fully in the future .......your siblings will prob always be messy, what happens when your not there, does your mum do it all for them?

Anyway i see this more as you having grown up and you now have a way you like to live which is great, Yes stay out as much as you can, Chill in your room, watch DVD's, pretend your not home!!

Something i heard as a trick for any situation you are not enjoying is to try and shift the energy to a positive one, because you are sending off angry vibes you will then attract anyone who is tense or angry in the house, its an unconscious attraction but if you become conscious of it and say to yourself right im not going to let this energy ruin my buzz and try send out acceptance vibes and love for yourself and then you will get that back.

CDfm

Unregistered wrote: »

What exactly are you getting at here? Do you think 23 is old to be doing a postgrad or something? !

No of course not, but you are behaving like a whiney teenager and not an adult. I imagine your Dad is just agreeing with you for a quite life.

The reason I am saying this is that you are probably letting yourself down and not realising it by.

I am just pointing it out.

kelle

OP, congratulations on all your achievements to date. You have done very well, and have done everything off your own back. Your mother made a very good job of you, and she should be very proud of you.

Unfortunately, your mother is a typical Irish mammy. You are the eldest and a girl and unfortunately expected to be the hardest working and most responsible. Your brother is a boy so should be waited on hand and foot, and your sister is the youngest and the cute one - the baby, so your mother thinks she is "too young" to fend for herself. This is very like the thread that was here recently from the girl who was expected to give money to her sponging brothers and being called "mean" by her mother because she protested!

While your sister was swanning off to Thailand and other places (did your parents fund this?) you were studying for your degree then working to save for your Postgrad. I don't know what your brother has been up to.

I think CDFM is being unfair to you. Of course, you shouldn't have to clean up after your brother and sister. What will they start to expect from you next - to wipe their arses? I think you need to draw up a rota. You do all your chores on the your days. On their days, do nothing! They probably won't pass any heed to it (well, their mam hasn't expected them to do anything up until now so why should they bother to change). I also suggest you stay out of the house as much as possible on those days, so your mother can't get at you. Then return to your duties on your days. OK the place may be filthy but at least you're only doing the chores every third day and that will ease your frustration a bit.

I was the eldest of five, and the only girl so I absolutely understand what you're going through. For that reason, I ensure my children (2 girls and one boy) are equally responsible for all chores and I show no discrimation towards them just because of their place in the family or what sex they are. I hope you do the same when you have children!

professore

Unregistered wrote: »

I'm paying for it. Saved up for it and will take a loan out. I paid for most of my undergrad as well.

Fair enough. Then I would say that you are being unfairly treated. By the way it was meant as a question, not implying that your mum was paying for it. Move back out and get on with your life, your mum will come around.

professore

kelle wrote: »

Unfortunately, your mother is a typical Irish mammy. You are the eldest and a girl and unfortunately expected to be the hardest working and most responsible. Your brother is a boy so should be waited on hand and foot, and your sister is the youngest and the cute one - the baby, so your mother thinks she is "too young" to fend for herself. This is very like the thread that was here recently from the girl who was expected to give money to her sponging brothers and being called "mean" by her mother because she protested!

:eek: This sounds like my 3 kids - the eldest is 11 and this pattern is already developing. Not on my watch !!! Thanks for a scary insight into their futures.

messygirl

Two issues at play here:
#siblings not chipping in
#mum making you feel like crap

first issue:
don't clean up after them. get a hobby/start reading your course work/start organising course notes etc
When your mum comes home in a strop "thats their mess, I cleaned up mine and i have been out all day". You are not responsible for them and helping them is very different from doing everything for them! You are not willing to help them if they dont help themselves.

#sometimes you just need to fight it out. sit her down, tell her you feel x y z and that it isn't acceptable. have instances for back up. you love herand you appreciate that they are letting you stay for 3 weeks rent free and you are happy to help but you are not responsible for your siblings, and you are feeling resentful that there are double standards. If she cant listen or doesn't get the argument and start being unreasonable just walk away and tell her she cant be reasoned with.

If they can't reason either do all the work (not fair!) or move out early, stay with a friend for 3 weeks or rent a room on the cheap for three weeks. nothing is worth the hassle of being put down and being made to feel like crap! You either put up with it or walk!

Congrats on the post grad by the way! Soon you will be free as a bird!

CDfm

kelle wrote: »

I think CDFM is being unfair to you.

I dont mean to be unfair just saying the OP shouldnt take it so seriously.

Oh The Humanity

Ah feck the auld one anyway.

She is calling you selfish and blatantly favouring the two spoilt brats. So why bother trying to please the bitter aul bag.

Do not do one more tap for anyone other than clean up after YOURSELF.

You're not getting any recognition for it anyway and she is calling you all sorts so you have nothing to lose.

genericguy

my oul wan is the same. probably worse in fact. best way is just to grin and bear it, especially if it's only for a few weeks. I always had that sh1te with my mother when I was back for the summer after the college year, even when I was back for the two weeks at christmas. She never had a bad word about any of my sibs, who did nothing all day either. Anytime I've lived away, I'd go home for the day every week or two and we get along really well.

Just put up with it, try get out of the house a bit during the day so you're not under each other's feet, but don't rise to it if she starts, because nobody will really support you over your mother, even if you're blatantly right. Relax, you'll be away soon enough!

LegacyUser

I don't think I'm being a spoiled teenager because I don't think I should clean up after my siblings. I can see my dad does think it's unfair because he makes an effort to thank me when I cook and he seems to understand that the others do nothing.

I tried the whole 'clean up only after myself' think back when I was 14-15 and all that happened was my mum had to do it and spent the whole night in a bad mood, or when it came around to my turn, I had 3 days worth of mess instead of one! I'd rather just do it every day than face a mountain of dirty dishes and an overflowing bin.

My brother and sister have also finished college, they also took loans and my parents helped out. My sister paid for her own trip as far as I can see. My brother spends all his time hanging out in his room or with his friends. I don't have a car or really any friends left around here, so I'm stuck at home a lot. It would help a lot if I had a car but obviously I can't justify buying one while saving up for college. Ah well, I'm just trying to get by. If I do it with a smile on my face, at least I feel better and my parents are happy! If I protest at all my mum takes it as me being argumentative and awkward so it's easier just to get it done

cafecolour

If it gets really bad, can you not go visit friends for a few weeks? Do a tour of friends about Ireland before you go to do the postgrad, crash with each for a few days.

sofia11

Luckily its only for a few weeks, looks like you've been 'conditioned' into this behaviour over a long period of time only you've been away from it and you see it differently now. You are the eldest and have been expected to 'look after' your siblings in the past I'm guessing, except they are adults now! We all are 'conditioned' in a family situation in my opinion. It won't change. I think here its emotional blackmail on behalf of your mother, you are the easy target, its bullying really. One family member will do anything for a quiet life, I should think its more common than you think, never mind you will be out of there soon. It will be better when you just visit and the other siblings have left too.