Marriage crumbling

LegacyUser

Hi,

Going unreg’d for this. Wife & I have been married for a short time, but got together 5 yrs ago & have a beautiful son. We didn’t really have the long relationship thing as we got pregnant after 12mths so went straight into domestic bliss.

It seems to me now that there hasn’t been a month where we’ve not had a serious argument which has had me thinking about WTF we were doing getting married in the first place. Thinking if we hadn’t got pregnant, we’d never have lasted etc..

We are now going through another fight and I think again we’ve gone as far as we can go. This fight is different as it involves me being pee’d off at her visiting younger brother, (there was a back story on his visit which is frustrating) and I suppose I’ve been carrying a grudge and let off some steam at him the other night. She has said that I don’t respect her family..etc..etc. Its not that I don't respect her family but I felt he wasnt respecting us and called him on it. Of course she is more understanding as he's her brother but we are not talking at the moment.

I do have some personality quirks, I am one of these people who ignores people and stops talking to them. I’ve lost so many good friends doing this over my life, I now keep to myself more but I still have this impulse. I realise I’m not perfect but I’m a “good” person in general.

In a previous fight I’ve said we should go to counselling but she said no. She is a very strong believer in hers is the only opinion and says she wouldn’t let an outsider know her business.

And this fight is different in that it is being played out in front of her brother, so stories are going to go home, her family will know what goes on here. So it looks as though she has changed too, as we are not “pretending” to get along in front of others.

This is a silly question.. but when do you know you can’t go any further?

Chocoholic84

When do you know it's over? Ahhh, tricky one.

How frequent/serious are these fights? You said one big fight a month - apart from these, is there constant bickering in between? (Not saying that one big fight's ok...just so i can get an idea)

Do you love her? When you met her, did you want to be with her night and day, miss her when she wasn't there, etc? Do you still feel like that? (ie. even when you're fighting, do you think that you'd miss her if she wasn't there with you?

The fights are bad news - but being a true romantic, I think love conquers all I would bring up the idea of counselling again to her - if she still refuses, you need to tell her straight that this may be your last chance of fixing this, and it might shock her into it.

Failing that, I would suggest maybe a short break from each other - maybe go away for a week by yourself, so you can think clearly and gather your thoughts - only YOU know what you need to do.

DangerMouse27

I think thats the obvious question..do you still love her? before you answer that,let me...of course you do or you wouldnt be on here to look for any advice or just air your issues!

You said that you have the personality issues,the grudges and stuff so maybe thats why she wont go to counselling,she feels its you that needs the talking to and not her..fair argument.You only have described your issues so far.


I used to be that guy who would just lose touch with huge amounts of friends,a shyness was there if its easier to understand.Im sure you have one or two close mates and now might be the time to hang out a bit with them.Go golfing,fishing but get away from you and thinking about all of this.

Seems like a dose of apology is needed for your outburst and no matter what you think,you were clearly out of line for blowing up at her brother.
Get him onside by telling him your stressed..recession blah blah..he will understand!

SarahSassy

Do you understand the expression 'in good times and in bad'?

Chocoholic84

SarahSassy wrote: »

Do you understand the expression 'in good times and in bad'?

That's a bit unfair. There are times that can be so bad a relationship/marriage just can't hack it anymore, and it's unhealthy to stay in such a relationship. The OP is looking for advice, not criticism over honouring his vows.

Say if a woman came on here who was married to a man who beat her every so often - would you still be saying that? Just because they're married? Doubt it....

prinz

Unregistered wrote: »

I do have some personality quirks, I am one of these people who ignores people and stops talking to them.

That's not a personality 'quirk', that's called just being ignorant.

prinz

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi,

Going unreg’d for this. Wife & I have been married for a short time, but got together 5 yrs ago & have a beautiful son. We didn’t really have the long relationship thing as we got pregnant after 12mths so went straight into domestic bliss.

Let me do a quick timeline here.

Year 0 - You get together
Year 1-2 - Child comes along
Year 5 -

By married a short time....... what do you mean by that? Hardly 3 years? And of not what were you doing in the mean time? People have fights and they get over it. (a) you shouldn't be taking your marital problems out on your brother in law (b) how about trying not to fight with her?

murfie

If you still want your marriage to work, I would recommend you look into doing The Love Dare, either you do it by yourself but its better if you get 2 and both of you do it.

Its a commitment to 40 days, its 2 or 3 pages a day of an aspect of marriage and living together with your wife. At the end of the each days paragraph is a dare, it might be do something for her or list things you like about her etc.

I promise you it will help, it does have many bible references but don't let that put you off if your not religious. I am not but the things its making me think about in my relationship have helped so much and we weren't having problems, this has made us love stronger.

If you are willing to give your marriage 40 days commitment this will work I promise you.

SarahSassy

Chocoholic84 wrote: »

Say if a woman came on here who was married to a man who beat her every so often - would you still be saying that? Just because they're married? Doubt it....

You are comparing apples with coconuts. She is not beating him.

He justifies his behaviour by saying thats the way he is - he gets thick and is stubborn and loses friends when he doesnt get his own way. He has been disrespectful to her family all to get his own way. He is now thinking abut abandoning his wife and family cos he is not getting his own way

Come on... Look between the lines here.

messygirl

A few things stand out:
#you have a kid before you knew if you wanted to have kids with her
#you ignore people (randomly?) and refuse to talk to them
#you say that if it wasn't for the kid you would be gone and you wouldn't be married
#she thinks she is always right
#you think you are right
#she doesnt want counselling
#ye fight every month
#you don't like her family
#i'm guessing they don't like you because you are fighting you are fighting with the bro and he is telling stories

No offence but doesnt look good. Maybe start seeing a counsellor yourself? seems like you feel trapped into marrying her and being with her because ye got on ok, you love her in a way, and there is a kid involved. See a counsellor yourself to deal with these issues and work on your marriage, and she might turn around if she sees it benefitting you.

iguana

messygirl wrote: »

Maybe start seeing a counsellor yourself? seems like you feel trapped into marrying her and being with her because ye got on ok, you love her in a way, and there is a kid involved. See a counsellor yourself to deal with these issues and work on your marriage, and she might turn around if she sees it benefitting you.

+1. That sounds like a good idea for the OP and if it does make a difference to you you might find your wife will be more inclined to try it too.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

I do have some personality quirks, I am one of these people who ignores people and stops talking to them. I’ve lost so many good friends doing this over my life,

An ex of mine used to do that.... I couldn't bear it - it was one of the things I used to fight with her about.

She started ignoring our flatmate, an old friend of hers and I was shocked how she could just treat someone so badly. The flatmate had done nothing other than start to annoy her.

I couldn't continue on with someone liker her.

LegacyUser

messygirl wrote: »

A few things stand out:
#you have a kid before you knew if you wanted to have kids with her
#you ignore people (randomly?) and refuse to talk to them
#you say that if it wasn't for the kid you would be gone and you wouldn't be married
#she thinks she is always right
#you think you are right
#she doesnt want counselling
#ye fight every month
#you don't like her family
#i'm guessing they don't like you because you are fighting you are fighting with the bro and he is telling stories

No offence but doesnt look good. Maybe start seeing a counsellor yourself? seems like you feel trapped into marrying her and being with her because ye got on ok, you love her in a way, and there is a kid involved. See a counsellor yourself to deal with these issues and work on your marriage, and she might turn around if she sees it benefitting you.

I have to agree with the above post (excellent post !) and sums the whole situation up, you need help, both of you do. If this goes on any longer you'll hurt each other beyond repair.