How much of my life should I keep from my girlfriend

LegacyUser

Heya folks,

I've been seeing my partner for over three years now. At the moment im studying abroad and we see eachother about once a month and so far its been tough but we both love each other and have managed ok.

We never really argue and get along really well. When I started seeing her my life was a little bit messed up, and I was constantly worried about the state of my friend's lives back home, as they had really fallen by the wayside in terms of drugs and alcohol. Theres more stuff i won't get into, but I kept all this from my partner until I couldn't take it anymore and had a breakdown. But she was there for me and I worked things out and she gave me all the space I needed and ill never forget that.

Now i like to tell her most things i get up to, especially since we're in a long distance relationship, but there are still some things I like to keep to myself. For example if I was hangng out with girls from my class (about 90% of the class are girls) Id be reluctant to tell her, not because I feel guilty or anything (i would never think of doing anything to her) but because I feel she might take it the wrong way, and its hard to reassure someone over the phone or on skype. The thing is, i am quite lonely over here, and don't really know anyone apart from the girls in my class (they're a lot older than me, we're just friends!).

Now she doens't want me to keep anything from her, and i don't mean shes like (tell me EVERYTHING grr) i just mean she doesn't want me to feel like there are some things I should keep from her. She really has a heart of gold and means no harm, she's just a little insecure but I don't mind that, i love her to bits.

The thing is that I am a private person and a bit of a loner who daydreams an awful lot. I can get on well with anyone, ive no problem with that. But I like my own space too. I don't want to know everything about my partner and i don't want her to know me inside out either, because then we can suprise eachother from time to time and I really like that. I suppose what I am wondering is: is it ok to keep some things from your partner for yourself, without feeling guilty about it?

Is this confusing?

messygirl

No girl wants to hear everything even if we say we do, we all have our secrets, if its doing no harm just keep quiet, its a minor thing really that could end up being a mountain out of a molehill situation, if you start having feelings for one of these girls cut off contact with them. I know my boyfriend will keep things from me because he prefers to sort things in his own head and thats ok, as long as he isn't hiding a secret relationship i'm ok with it.

prinz

In a LDR myself so I know where you're coming from. The whole 'tell me about your day' can get a bit tiresome, but try not to get overly insecure or upset by it all. Remember she asks these questions because she wants to feel involved in your life on a day to day basis. It's the same with my OH and the same with myself. I ask her about things, where she went, who she was with. I don't care if she said she was at an after party with the chippendales, I just want to feel involved in her life and she likewise. Of course you don't have to tell her every minute detail, just explain things to her and have a friendly chat. Have you explained that the women on your course are a lot older than you? Or how you feel? I know what annoys my OH though, she can ask me what I did all weekend and the only answer I can give is 'nothing really...' or what are you thinking about...and my mind is a complete blank. Some girls just underestimate the power of a guy to not have anything they want to chat about sometimes.

Don't feel guilt about it, but at the same time don't be secretive or evasive, or you'll only worry her.

herya

messygirl wrote: »

No girl wants to hear everything even if we say we do, we all have our secrets, if its doing no harm just keep quiet, its a minor thing really that could end up being a mountain out of a molehill situation, if you start having feelings for one of these girls cut off contact with them.

Well I'm such a "no girl" then because I do prefer to hear everything and then decide in my own head what is important and not have the decision made for me. I am surprisingly tolerant when it comes to my reaction though so it pays off to tell me not to hide from me.

No doubt you will hear here on the boards that it's OK to hide whatever you want to hide - an attitude which in my opinion contributes much to broken relationships and the general lack of trust and understanding. If there is no communication in good times, there will be none in bad times.

On the topic of LDR please bear in mind that all you know about what the other person is doing is coming from their own mouth. I've been there myself and it's difficult; if you start keeping things away (not even sneaky things, just ordinary things because you think they are mundane or boring or you don't like describing your day) your connection gets weaker and one day you find the other person is essentially a stranger to you. If you hide things on purpose on top of it and later you need to remember "she knows this, she doesn't know that" to be extra careful and wary it makes your communication and connection even worse and basically you're throttling your relationship with your own hands.

Choose a girl you're not afraid to be truthful with.

Wurly

herya wrote: »

Well I'm such a "no girl" then because I do prefer to hear everything and then decide in my own head what is important and not have the decision made for me. I am surprisingly tolerant when it comes to my reaction though so it pays off to tell me not to hide from me.

No doubt you will hear here on the boards that it's OK to hide whatever you want to hide - an attitude which in my opinion contributes much to broken relationships and the general lack of trust and understanding. If there is no communication in good times, there will be none in bad times.

On the topic of LDR please bear in mind that all you know about what the other person is doing is coming from their own mouth. I've been there myself and it's difficult; if you start keeping things away (not even sneaky things, just ordinary things because you think they are mundane or boring or you don't like describing your day) your connection gets weaker and one day you find the other person is essentially a stranger to you. If you hide things on purpose on top of it and later you need to remember "she knows this, she doesn't know that" to be extra careful and wary it makes your communication and connection even worse and basically you're throttling your relationship with your own hands.

Choose a girl you're not afraid to be truthful with.

+ 1 million!!;)

Moomoo1

I prefer to hear and tell everything too. You cannot be truly close to someone unless you've let them into the innermost parts of your character.

Sinall

Whilst its nice to hear what people are up to and who they've met/what they're doing etc, I think its impossible to tell someone everything! Especially in a LDR, as a lot of your talking will be done on the phone/online. As long as you as sharing the important stuff then you're on the right track!

Sometimes I like to work things through in my own head before I talk to people about them and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. However, if it ever became an issue or a problem in a relationship I would try to work something out. I don't think you can ever know somebody else 100% - it's a learning experience all the time!