GF still contacts ex - should I be concerned?

LegacyUser

gf of 10 months has regular contact with ex, phone texts etc which has increased of late .. just as she is beginning to become distamt from me (I'm making all the running in the relationship...)..she was with him 4 years and she still talks a lot about him and what they did where they went etc etc..I know for a fact he'd be back with her in the morning if he had the chance...also know her texts end with xxx's etc...
I have brought it up with her but she just dismisses it (ie doesnt wish to talk about it..)

Am I right to be pissed / concerned/
Even if it is nothing surely she is being disrespectful to me???

Opinions?

I_am_Jebus

At first thought, something seems to be going on here.

However, to be honest, I don't think you have provided enough info for anyone to give sound advice.

For example:

1. How long has she and the her been split AND how long after their split did the two of you get together.

2. What was the circumstance/reason behind their split and who did the breaking up - it seems she did from your post but possibly not


If she split with him or it was a "mutual" break up and the two of you got together soon after that then alarm bells would be really ringing in my head to be perfectly honest.

Maybe if you could provide answers to the above I (we) could give more comprehensive advice.

Generally, People can be friends with exes etc... and they mean nothing more than a friend. But if that was going to be the case I think she needs to sit down with you and the two of you should discuss the situation and set appropriate boundaries etc..

VaioCruiser

Unregistered wrote: »

gf of 10 months has regular contact with ex, phone texts etc which has increased of late .. just as she is beginning to become distamt from me (I'm making all the running in the relationship...)..she was with him 4 years and she still talks a lot about him and what they did where they went etc etc..I know for a fact he'd be back with her in the morning if he had the chance...also know her texts end with xxx's etc...
I have brought it up with her but she just dismisses it (ie doesnt wish to talk about it..)

Am I right to be pissed / concerned/
Even if it is nothing surely she is being disrespectful to me???

Opinions?

I was with you until you started talking about disrespect ... Is a person not allowed to be in contact with an ex just because they are dating someone new ? Since when ?

It does sound as if things are not going well - but the best thing is to start TALKING to her... and not wondering. The more you wonder, the more you imagine and the more you imagine the more upset you get and the harder it is to talk.

Talk to her. Ask her.

All the best.

LegacyUser

I_am_Jebus wrote: »

At first thought, something seems to be going on here.

However, to be honest, I don't think you have provided enough info for anyone to give sound advice.

For example:

1. How long has she and the her been split AND how long after their split did the two of you get together.

2. What was the circumstance/reason behind their split and who did the breaking up - it seems she did from your post but possibly not


If she split with him or it was a "mutual" break up and the two of you got together soon after that then alarm bells would be really ringing in my head to be perfectly honest.

Maybe if you could provide answers to the above I (we) could give more comprehensive advice.

Generally, People can be friends with exes etc... and they mean nothing more than a friend. But if that was going to be the case I think she needs to sit down with you and the two of you should discuss the situation and set appropriate boundaries etc..

OP here...
Yep she split from him and only a couple of months before we got together however she did say that for their last year or so together she had begun to despise him...cos he was lazy, no help, had let her down etc etc...

I agree totally that people can be friends with exes...but just smell a rat here...

@VaioCruiser..as above..of course one can be in contact with ex...but this just seems overboard..Ive tried the talking..she just blows it up into row and then dismisses it...

Wagon

I'd be worried myself. The way she just dismisses it after a row and also the fact that you got together only a few months afterwards is a giveaway. And also the way she keeps talking about him and what they did. Why would you want to hear that stuff in the first place? Not a nice thing to do to your boyfriend. I dont go on about my exs to my lady and i dont want to hear about hers.

Personally, id consider walking which i know seems drastic but look at it logically. she seems to have feelings for the chap still and he has them for her. So rather then have your head wrecked by this crap, save your sanity and end it.

freedom of info

Unregistered wrote: »

gf of 10 months has regular contact with ex, phone texts etc which has increased of late .. just as she is beginning to become distamt from me (I'm making all the running in the relationship...)..she was with him 4 years and she still talks a lot about him and what they did where they went etc etc..I know for a fact he'd be back with her in the morning if he had the chance...also know her texts end with xxx's etc...
I have brought it up with her but she just dismisses it (ie doesnt wish to talk about it..)

Am I right to be pissed / concerned/
Even if it is nothing surely she is being disrespectful to me???

Opinions?

How old are you? of course somethings going on, dump her selfish ass, she is playing mind games, only you will get hurt, ive been there and worn the teeshirt, this is how women work in a relationship, first they meet you, then fall in love with you, then change you and when that has been achieved, they forget why they fell in love with you in the first place.

single life has its benefits

LegacyUser

freedom of info wrote: »

first they meet you, then fall in love with you, then change you and when that has been achieved, they forget why they fell in love with you in the first place.

Op here
Do you know something?? I think you've hit the nail on the head..

You're quite right...she has changed me somewhat from who I was (and dont particularily like !)

I think she has forgotten why she fell in love with me..has gotten bored..whatever...

Silverfish

freedom of info wrote: »

How old are you? of course somethings going on, dump her selfish ass, she is playing mind games, only you will get hurt, ive been there and worn the teeshirt, this is how women work in a relationship, first they meet you, then fall in love with you, then change you and when that has been achieved, they forget why they fell in love with you in the first place.

single life has its benefits

Both sexes are guilty of this I'm afraid, plenty of similar threads posted here from both sexes.

OP, she could have lost interest, she could be bored, she could feel you're bored. Or it may be none of these things.

I'd be more concerned about the fact she won't even discuss it with you - is that how she's going to respond to all problems in your relationship?

I_am_Jebus

all things considered, I am fearful for you OP. This is a situation you must deal with now! you need to sit her down and talk openly and frank about this. You also need to set appropriate boundaries. Your relationship is very fresh and while I've no problem with my OHs to be friends with exes, I think your GF's actions in this case are a bit over the top.

She has not moved on from her old relationship and she doesn't seem to be taking your relationship seriously (with talking 'bout her ex all the time aswell as regular contact).

The fact that she refuses to talk about it says two things to me:

1. She's hiding something to me and/or
2. She's completely immature & is not ready for a serious relationship.

As I said, you need to discuss this with her and I am not normally one to issue ultimatums but I think you should be having strong words about boundaries and the need for real communication.

If you get no joy on this then you have to walk for your own best interests. But you have to do this now. It will only get worse.

Best of luck. And the 'oul cliché - there's plenty of fish in the sea (and many better too).

lolli

If they were only in contact the odd time I wouldnt find it strange as the very odd time it can be possible to be friends with an ex. If they are in regular contact I would be worried, they can let go of each other.

If you got together 2 months after the end of her 4 year relationship she could have been on the rebound. Granted that might not be the case I got with my now bf 4 months after a 3 year relationship and it wasnt a rebound one.

I would think that if he is still interested in her hes probably texting her in an attempt to show her that he has changed from what she began to hate. Do you know the content of these messages?

Wibbs

lolli wrote: »

If they were only in contact the odd time I wouldnt find it strange as the very odd time it can be possible to be friends with an ex. If they are in regular contact I would be worried, they can let go of each other.

That would be my take too. Not the contact as such, the regularity of it. It's a sliding scale. If it was a "howya doin" text once a month, it wouldn't bother me, once a week and I would at least be thinking something was amiss, if it's near daily and increasing, major red flag. If the oul sex life has backed off a bit recently, or she has become more distant in concert with this renewed/increased contact I would be doubly concerned.

It's not so much that she would want to go back with the guy, that wouldn't my angle of approach as such. I would be thinking, why does she need him in her life to that degree, if she has me? What does he give her I don't? (the reverse is also true, you're giving her something he didn't or you would be gone) What's amiss in our relationship that has her increasing her need for contact with an old flame? Especially at the 10 month stage. The "in love" feelings should be still running strong at that stage.

Now she could simply be making up the perfect boyfriend out of the two of you and stringing both of you along with no intention of dumping you or getting back with him. Having her cake and eating it kinda thing. That's a common one in my experience and I have to say again in my experience this is a case where more women I've known do it than men. Shows serious lack of insight and selfishness.

I also agree she is disrespecting you. Her lack of discussion about this when you have expressed your concern would push my boundaries and no mistake.

Of course how do you broach the subject? Not easy. If you hit her with an ultimatum she may dig her heels in and you're driving her back to him in most cases. Especially if he plays the game better. You need to do something if this is upsetting you though.

Personally if it was me, I wouldn't try to talk to her as such. I would be very surprised if you got the truth anyway, so waste of breath does spring to mind, or you'll get reassurances and then she'll go underground with the contact.

Me? I would calmly and pleasantly express your concern about this. Do not get into an argument with her. Tell her you thought you were good together and that if the relationship does need work you're willing to make that effort but only if she is. Repeat that you feel uncomfortable with this contact and I would suggest a break for her to work out what she wants, but that you won't be waiting that long for her to do so.

I think this sounds like headwreck territory and unless she scrapes this guy off pretty much entirely I can't see the headwreck reducing much.

That's just me though.

DangerMouse27

This just happened to me weeks ago.

I was faced with an ex coming over to the country for the weekend and her going to Galway with him and her sister.Damned if i speak up and damned if i dont..id look like a jealous loony if i had somehow forbidden her from going.Instead i made my feelings clear while not hurting feelings but letting her know that i would not do the same.
She went regardless and on the monday i broke it off with her...
Even my ex fiancee gave me good advice that this situation was all wrong,and you know what..it was!
Never let anyone treat you like you would never treat them

LegacyUser

DangerMouse27 wrote: »

This just happened to me weeks ago.


Never let anyone treat you like you would never treat them

OP again
This is a key statement I reckon...not just in the ex situation but also others that have happened...

i agree..if one feels that one is being treated in a way that they would not treat the other.....there is a problem...

Cheers