I don't know what to do

4hero

My boyfriend, who I adore, and I have been together for a number of years. I have always known that he used to smoke cannabis but I thought it was in his past, being a college student etc. Recently he brought it up. Then he brought up again. Then spoke about it constantly before informing me he was going back to it, albeit not smoking it anymore. I was devastated. We are in our late 20s and I thought we had got past that phase. I was hoping that we could move on to bigger things and look forward to our future. I admittedly reacted badly and have been inconsolable. He insists he'll only do it every few weeks but this means very little to me. I know I'm probably overreacting but I can't help it. I feel very strongly about it. I researched it and though the risk is fairly low, it can cause changes in personality, forgetfulness and other problems. Not to mention the effect on his reputation and other things if he got caught. He says he has every right to his personal liberty and that he is doing this regardless of what I say or how I feel. I agree with the first part but now I'm faced with the choice of losing him by doing what is the best option for me or keeping him by going along with what he wants and disregarding how I feel. Either way my future with the person I love most in the world will be lost. I don't know what to do. I need some outside opinions. Thanks.

tman

If he wants to get stoned once every few weeks then what's the big deal?
It kind of sounds like you're basing your assumptions of drugs on the ask frank ads, rather than any kind of real world experience of them...

herya

An occasional spliff is nothing wrong but you do not want to be with a heavy cannabis user who's walking dead smoked out of his mind. The trick is to know the boundaries. If he stays true to his word you should both be fine but watch out for increased frequency.

dny123456

Nothing wrong with the odd puff. Never much liked it myself, but no harm in it. Better than skulling 5 pints

4hero

Thanks herya for your balanced reply

tman wrote: »

If he wants to get stoned once every few weeks then what's the big deal?
It kind of sounds like you're basing your assumptions of drugs on the ask frank ads, rather than any kind of real world experience of them...

Don't get me wrong, I've no interest in taking anything myself and I don't claim to have but that doesn't mean I have no 'real world' experience of anything. Acquaintances who have related problems and years working in A&E and emergency surgery trying to fix the damage aren't nothing. Ask Frank wouldn't quite be the standard of information I'd seek out either but thanks. The effects I've mentioned come from studies in various medical journals that I've read to try and see things in a rational way. I have no desire to feel like this, believe me.

ladhrann

OP,

Many of the larger trials involving cannabis use have been heavily doctored to assert an ideological viewpoint. I do not wish to argue the point myself as I have no interest in the drug, I think its just boring.

However you need to analyse the information you are dealing with more rationally. Friends of yours in A&E spending years cleaning up the mess??? I can guarantee that no one has come in stoned off their tits needing their stomach pumped, unlike the Vodka & Redbull brigade. There has never been a recorded fatality from cannabis.

Is him having a few smokes every fortnight really a huge problem? How is this going to destroy your relationship? Do you drink or use any substance?

Are you generally uncomfortable with unconventional behaviour? I.E. You mention the embarrassment or damage that his reputation might suffer if he was convicted. Is this your main concern??

Problems such as memory loss, canaboid psychosis etc. may be related to genetic factors and so on....its very hard to tell.

freedom of info

4hero wrote: »

My boyfriend, who I adore, and I have been together for a number of years. I have always known that he used to smoke cannabis but I thought it was in his past, being a college student etc. Recently he brought it up. Then he brought up again. Then spoke about it constantly before informing me he was going back to it, albeit not smoking it anymore. I was devastated. We are in our late 20s and I thought we had got past that phase. I was hoping that we could move on to bigger things and look forward to our future. I admittedly reacted badly and have been inconsolable. He insists he'll only do it every few weeks but this means very little to me. I know I'm probably overreacting but I can't help it. I feel very strongly about it. I researched it and though the risk is fairly low, it can cause changes in personality, forgetfulness and other problems. Not to mention the effect on his reputation and other things if he got caught. He says he has every right to his personal liberty and that he is doing this regardless of what I say or how I feel. I agree with the first part but now I'm faced with the choice of losing him by doing what is the best option for me or keeping him by going along with what he wants and disregarding how I feel. Either way my future with the person I love most in the world will be lost. I don't know what to do. I need some outside opinions. Thanks.

a spliff once in a while is harmless, it will relax him, but beware, too much and he will take a whitey, that really is a bummer

4hero

OP,

Many of the larger trials involving cannabis use have been heavily doctored to assert an ideological viewpoint. I do not wish to argue the point myself as I have no interest in the drug, I think its just boring.

However you need to analyse the information you are dealing with more rationally. Friends of yours in A&E spending years cleaning up the mess??? I can guarantee that no one has come in stoned off their tits needing their stomach pumped, unlike the Vodka & Redbull brigade. There has never been a recorded fatality from cannabis.

Is him having a few smokes every fortnight really a huge problem? How is this going to destroy your relationship? Do you drink or use any substance?

Are you generally uncomfortable with unconventional behaviour? I.E. You mention the embarrassment or damage that his reputation might suffer if he was convicted. Is this your main concern??

Problems such as memory loss, canaboid psychosis etc. may be related to genetic factors and so on....its very hard to tell.

My point was not to prove to him that there was something terrible about it but to prove to myself that there was nothing terrible about it. The fact is that there are aspects of it that cause issues. They are limited and few but that doesn't make them any less a cause for concern. I sought the most balanced articles and I feel that just as it would unwise to believe every terrible side effect mentioned anywhere, so it would also be unwise to believe that it does absolutely no harm. Of course it does. Most drugs do (and yes I include prescription medication in this). I have no interest in sensationalism. The effects I listed are widely accepted across the spectrum of reports. I omitted anything I felt had little basis in fact or was rare.

Prescription and non-prescription legal drugs are regulated, standardised and pure. They go through rigorous medical trials and fairly thorough listings of all apparent side effects are created. Thus, people know exactly what they're getting and how much and of any known side effects they may experience. On that informed basis they can decide to take it or not. The same cannot be said for illegal substances. Is this an argument for legalisation? Maybe. But the argument doesn't matter. It's merely hypothetical.

I never mentioned friends of mine in A&E. I said that I had acquaintances with problems associated with use of various substances and that I myself have worked for years in a number of different hospitals in different countries, cleaning up the mess. Sorry if I was unclear. I do take your point though, I haven't seen many problems from cannabis in the emergency room apart from falls associated with a lack of coordination and slow reflexes. I absolutely agree with you about alcohol and to answer your question, I don't smoke and I don't drink tea, coffee or alcohol. The only drugs I take are on prescription. And no I don't have a problem with unconventional behaviour. I would reject the idea that this is unconventional at all. Rather, my feelings on it are the most unconventional thing about the situation.

The risk to reputation is not the main issue at all but he's a professional and he's worked really hard to get where he is. I'd just hate to see him lose any part of it for any reason.

CDfm

I think what you are saying is that he is to old for this and that at this stage in both your lives it should be past tense.

I agree with you and think he is looking to regain the past youth and that the risk personally and professionally is too great.

I think if those are your worries you should say that.

4hero

CDfm you're completely right, that's a large part of the problem. Unfortunately I have told him this but to no avail. We've talked until we're blue (or red) in the face and we can compromise on some things which keeps the (brittle) peace but the uncertainty remains.

Snowie

Op

if you push some one further into not doing something theyle do it more. my advise is take a step back be ok with it as long as he doesnt use it near you.

if hes trying to regain his youth well it aint going to work, i left the getting stoned with my friends in august, i dont speak to one of my friends any more because of the circumstances hes a friend near 27 years we dont speak no more. over it.

the way it goes he will loose interest, if he doesn't hes a bone head sorry for that but smoking wrecks you for about 2 weeks i find mentally....

4hero

Snow-Monkey wrote: »

Op

if you push some one further into not doing something theyle do it more. my advise is take a step back be ok with it as long as he doesnt use it near you.

You speak the truth. I know that. It's just really difficult to keep my mouth shut when I feel this bad about something!

the way it goes he will loose interest, if he doesn't hes a bone head sorry for that but smoking wrecks you for about 2 weeks i find mentally

I really hope you're right...

sjaakie

OP your perception of cannabis is distorted in the extreem. it is quite harmless. less harmfull than him having a few pints as already pointed out. personally i enjoy a smoke in bed before i sleep every night and have done so for the last 35 years.

4hero

I'd be delighted if that was true. While my original reaction may have been extreme, I don't think my perception of it is. I'm basing it on a combination of the medical studies I have read and the experiences I've had which is all I can do without having to actually take it. If anything I've said is extreme or totally incorrect I'd be glad to change it.

Also, I've already agreed that alcohol isn't great either.

CDfm

Is this a little rebellion by him?

Just I thought that you have looked at clinical studies - well I knew a girl who cannabist affected extremely and before that I was tolerant so if it was my OH I would be scared because its my OH.

You do seem very health conscious hence the rebellion comment. Does he look on you as the authority figure and maybe you need to lighten up and be g/f not nursey or support worker at home.

I may be wrong here but have you changed your routines and socialising a bit in a way that might make him feel old.

LegacyUser

Hi OP.

I used to be a stoner when I was a teenager. While your description of the side effects is probably fairly accurate, in my experience they tend only to occur with very heavy smoking, i.e. a quarter ounce or more a week (several joints a day).

I can pretty much guarantee you won't see any ill effects if he's only smoking once every couple of weeks.

There are plenty of reasons to object to smoking, and I understand where you're coming from when you say you don't like it, but you don't really need to worry about the medical side of things.

4hero

Nope, I've been like this since before I met him. I take your point though, it could be a type of rebellion. I'll probably just have to leave him to it and hope he gets bored.

It's not easy to let go of everything from work. I know his medical background and that of his family. I've lost count of the number of patients I've watched deteriorate and die for varying medical reasons having led fit, healthy lives up until then. I just feel that maybe we shouldn't add more risk to the long list of physical vulnerabilities that the human race already has. Having said that, I actually am the g/f most of the time. It's stuff like this that makes things shift into serious mode.

DESQ

freedom of info wrote: »

a spliff once in a while is harmless, it will relax him, but beware, too much and he will take a whitey, that really is a bummer

+1 ha aha ha

CDfm

Try to let go a bit and hopefully it just a phase or threat.

Maybe you need to loosen up a bit.

That said I do agree on the cannabis worry and it would make me nervous

4hero

Thanks CDfm.

Snowie

4hero wrote: »

I really hope you're right...

It really does I had to give up it made me parinoid and hugely over critical of my self and

part of my work when i was in counselling was to write a dally journal of
how i was feeling emotionally physicaliy, mentally, and genral feelings Id given up weed for a month and felt great my friend dropped down had a smoke for the 2 weeks after words I felt more insecure less confident and more depressed then I had in those 4 weeks of not smoking at which point I made the dession that my happyness is more important then a little trip to euphoria...

I dont slate the drug because my mother use's it for midsanil purpose's but for just getting high to i leave life to do that for me, I do miss it but i no the tock and worth two weeks of feeling like crap.

4hero

Snow-Monkey wrote: »

It really does I had to give up it made me parinoid and hugely over critical of my self and

part of my work when i was in counselling was to write a dally journal of
how i was feeling emotionally physicaliy, mentally, and genral feelings Id given up weed for a month and felt great my friend dropped down had a smoke for the 2 weeks after words I felt more insecure less confident and more depressed then I had in those 4 weeks of not smoking at which point I made the dession that my happyness is more important then a little trip to euphoria...

I dont slate the drug because my mother use's it for midsanil purpose's but for just getting high to i leave life to do that for me, I do miss it but i no the tock and worth two weeks of feeling like crap.

I hope he doesn't need to suffer like you have in order to get bored of it. I appreciate you sharing your experience and I hope you're feeling better about things now.

Snowie

4hero wrote: »

I hope he doesn't need to suffer like you have in order to get bored of it. I appreciate you sharing your experience and I hope you're feeling better about things now.

thanks. but i was'nt trying to get you say that i was just giving a reason to how i knew what I said... but then again this is me.... and he him, he's probably completely different, what I will say is tho it is his life you may not approve but sometimes you have to grin a bare things even if you don't like it say what you don't like and leave it at that...:)

Taltos

OP - I am totally with you on this.

Alot of folk try it when they are younger - but most move on., grow up and realise the impact it is not only having on them but on those around them.

I have no idea though how you can get through to him, as if his mind is made up...
Bit of a strange one though - why now when he is in his late 20s - as per Cdfm - is he trying to recapture his youth - or escape the pressures of being an adult??
If so there are much better outlets.

I guess you could try to be patient - give him a few weeks, hope he does not get caught - but be prepared to move on if / when he changes and is no longer the person you got together with.

king_of_inismac

I don't smoke, so my advice is based on experience with close friends.

In my experience 90% of people who smoke cannabis are light users and overall has little effect on their health (motivation, drive, ambition are a separate matter).

However, heavy smoking is a very different matter. I know several people who's whole personality has changed (downward spiral) and one in particular has definite mental health issues.

Now, in my opinion he was probably predisposed to addiction/dependencies before he started smoking BUT based on his experience (and the 5% chance it could happen to you) I wouldn't advise anyone to take up cannabis. It's just not worth it...

4hero

TarquinTitsworh wrote: »

Come on OP, get a life! If he wants to smoke some weed occasionally, let the poor chap. If you are "inconsolable" over such an issue I'm hardly surprised he want's to distort reality.:rolleyes:

Helpful, thanks! The 'poor chap' has been fine without it and with me for the past 7 years. He has plenty of other things going on in his life apart from me. He is by no means the downtrodden shell of a man you seem to be implying. So I'll have to disagree and be surprised that he 'wants to distort reality' as you a you so sensitively put it!:rolleyes:

Edit: It's not as if I'm not letting him do something. As always he can do what he wants. But I'm upset, for many reasons, by this and that should be fine as well. This is about finding a way to keep us together without having to completely disregard myself and how I'm feeling. Maybe that's stupid, I don't know. It just seems right to me.

prinz

4hero wrote: »

Then spoke about it constantly before informing me he was going back to it, albeit not smoking it anymore.

When you say not smoking it anymore, what do you mean?

4hero

Using a vaporiser I guess - I presume he's not eating it and I don't know what else he'd do with it!

prinz

4hero wrote: »

Using a vaporiser I guess

I'd be worried about the road he's going down. Does he feel he needs a bigger effect than smoking occasionally can give.. will he progress to need bigger and stronger doses etc... If he had said he was going to have the odd joint again I'd be less worried.

dearg lady

4hero, can i ask, the studies you've looked at, do they specify levels of usage to result in these side effects?
I ask this because there are obviously side effects, it's silly to say not, but for many people smoking in moderation, they are manageable. I'm personally of the opinion that a few joints isn't something i would worry about, but equally you are just as entitled to how you feel, and it obviously worries you.

I hope you and your oh can come to some sort of compromise, or as a few people said, which is reasonably likely, he may lose interest quite quickly.

I have to say, it's quite interesting to hear the point of view of someone who has made an informed decision against drugs, so many people rely on scaremongering and are ill informed.

Cianos

If he's having a smoke a couple of times a week, really what's the big deal? It's less impacting on health than alcohol, but since alcohol is legal and much more widely used everyone seems to accept it as a social norm. With respect, you sound somewhat intense to be in a relationship with if you have had long heated arguments over this issue. He probably has a lot of stress through work as well. I really doubt by the sounds of it that he's trying to relive his youth through smoking wee, he probably just wants to smoke to help him relax.

A lot more people smoke than you probably realise. It's because it's illegal that people keep it to themselves and thus it becomes a taboo.

CDfm

OP are you worried that there is a reason why he needs to do it that will become a dependency.Thats your sensitivity.

Or is it having a lump of hash and going for a night out and not knowing what state he will be in.


Or are you worried that if caught and prosecuted it would have carreer repercusions for him.Say if he was stopped driving etc and tested positive.

Do you need to quantify those risks.

elexes

if its something you feel strongly about its worth thinking about do you actually want to be with someone who is the opposite to yourself.

personally on this stance id be telling him its not for me i dont want it in my life or close to me so goodbye

as the fact that vodka / beer and the likes causes more probloms thats a different argument that should have no place in this one as it is causing harm to the op

everyone i know of that uses this drug has always progressed to harder substances. some now are also dealers and have turned on there own friends when things went a bit sour.

Cianos

elexes wrote: »

if its something you feel strongly about its worth thinking about do you actually want to be with someone who is the opposite to yourself.

personally on this stance id be telling him its not for me i dont want it in my life or close to me so goodbye

I totally disagree. What's the point in being with someone who you are almost identical to? We all have different perspectives on life. If you care for the person, you should be able to appreciate their perspective. We are always going to have different values on different things and it's better to try and learn how other people view things rather than completely disregarding their point of view simply because it challenges ours.

elexes

im not saying people with two differnt outlooks on life cant come together and live a life of bliss and happyness but on certian issues they would have to agree and this could be one of them

instance: pro nazi woman would not marry a jewish man.

dearg lady

elexes wrote: »

everyone i know of that uses this drug has always progressed to harder substances. some now are also dealers and have turned on there own friends when things went a bit sour.

While this may be the case with your friends, it doesn't mean everyone will automatically do this.. not saying you made that point, just want to be clear it doesn't always happen!

I know people who haven't moved on to other drugs, and some who have, virtually all made informed decisions, and as far as I know, no regrets from anyone!

I wouldn't see it as a reason to walk away from an otherwise perfectly good relationship, it may cause difficulties, but it's equally as likely that will find a way through it, as it is likely they won't.

4hero

dearg lady, the studies mainly related to moderate, moderate to heavy or heavy use. I have no problem with that. It's the thin line between infrequent and increasingly frequent, regular and frequent and deciding when it's crossed either line into something more than what it started out as. It's human nature to do something you really enjoy as often as you can. I fully understand that and it's not very reassuring. It's difficult to know how far is too far.

Cianos, I haven't changed very much since I met him and so he's been happy to have intense conversations and debates on many other things for a long time and he's well aware of who I am. He's always free to walk away if he doesn't want to be with me anymore. We argue (in a constructive way) about lots of things. Feeling passionately about things and gaining an proper understanding of things is really important to both of us and you don't get that without looking at opposing sides. No doubt I have an agenda but so does he so neither of us can be trusted to give an accurate account of the facts in this case and make a judgement on that basis alone. That's why I've tried to avoid the 'no problems with it at all' and the 'it'll kill you first time' camps. I need balance.

CDfm, I am worried about all those things. Of course there is the idea that I and the life we have together aren't enough for him. Less so about the night out, he's not one to flaunt it and I doubt he'd make himself immediately ill by taking too much. I wouldn't like him to get in trouble with the law - it tends to hang over people affecting travel, career etc. He depends on his car quite a bit so it would really affect things detrimentally for it to be taken away. Having said that, I really don't think he would drive under the influence so that's not so much a concern right now.

4hero

Thanks to everyone who's posted so far by the way, it's really helped.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

God i am really surprised with the responses here, Maybe the people responding are quite young but i would totally hate it if my boyfriend went back smoking dope, I am in a long term relationship in my early 30's, We both experimented with drugs in our teens and 20's, when i met him he was a big hash head, When he got with me he stopped smoking it because he was actually quite bored with it, we moved in together and we focused on our jobs, education and future to get our own home, We stopped hanging out with all our old friends who were all coke heads at that stage and we just wanted to move on,

If i was you i would be very frustrated that he has now said tough tits babe im smoking dope whether you like it or not, It means he has not grown up and matured,


His focus on life should be having a healthy relationship with you and your home life together,

Op I think this is quite serious because he may not be ready to commit to the relationship you want, this would be the worry for me because he is treating you like you are an annoying mother who wont let him do things when you are asking for a committed relationship for the future,

I would not be able to accept my BF going back on dope, Its like going backwards in your relationship, OP continue to take it seriously if he is giving you an ultimatum you should give him one back, I would demonstrate this by breaking up if i had to, If he does not want to commit to you and your relationship then maybe you need to readdress being with him, as painful as that may be, but he needs to see that you are concerned for very important reasons, not because of the hash implications but because he is being so -i dont care and im doing it!

tbh

here's what I would do: Tell him that you are worried, you accept possibly with no foundation, that his personality might change if he starts smoking again, and that the personality change might mean that he can't see that he's changed. I'm sure any reasonable person would understand why that would worry you and try to reassure you.

Next, tell him the types of things you are worried about happening, for example, he may miss work to get high, he may not want to socialise etc. Ask him what he thinks would be unacceptable behaviour, and then agree to sit down again after a couple of months to see if everything's ok, or if there are any instances of behaviour that he himself said would not be good starting to come through.

That way, he'll know you're not just out to wreck his buzz, so to speak, and it'll be very difficult to dismiss your point of view because you are being so reasonable.

In summary, tell him why you are worried, tell him you don't have a problem with the smoking in and of itself, just the potential effects on the relationship, and see if he agrees.

4hero

Thanks tbh, I really am trying to be reasonable. We've spoken about this repeatedly and I have set out my concerns. We have managed to come to some tentative agreements though they still seem a bit murky. I really am not trying to stifle him or wreck his buzz and I hate that he might feel that way. If I though that how I felt was normal in general or even for me I wouldn't be here. I'm usually a very liberal person.

tbh

4hero wrote: »

Thanks tbh, I really am trying to be reasonable.

FWIW, you're certainly coming across that way.

4hero

Ty

LegacyUser

Just a thought op - the fact that he's bringing it up with you now means at least he wants to be honest with you. The truth is he has probably been smoking away without your realising it for a while now and would be more comfortable with you knowing this rather then sneaking around.

It is probably hard for him considering you dont drink smoke or even take a sip of tea or coffee. You are obviosly a very focused person (fair play) but really a spliff or 2 every week is a whole lot better the pints galore followed with puking and a whole lot of session depression.

Leave him be as long as its just once in a while with his mates. Thats what i'd do anyway. cheers

_sparkie_

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-9077214414651731007&ei=K6RUSqm3CIPV-AbPkbG5Cg&q=the+business+of+getting+high&dur=3

i can see your concerns but i honestly think you are overreacting. if you get time watch that^^ and then go talk to your boyfriend.

Oh The Humanity

Acquaintances who have related problems and years working in A&E and emergency surgery trying to fix the damage aren't nothing

I dont think anyone has ever ended up in A&E due to cannibas!!! Perhaps from eating too much pizza!!

OP, you sound like you are trying to micro manage the whole issue based on studies and Academic findings. Thats fine but really for every study to tell us its a big deal there is another to tell us the opposite.

I really wouldn't worry about it. Its just no big deal.

As for thinking people should 'grow out of it' -remember the old adage 91% of aging is voluntary.

Life is serious and full of responsibility, but that doesn't mean there is no place for the things we enjoyed in early youth! I have smoked for years and always will and I know plenty of people in their 30's and 40's who do too.

Maybe people wouldn't guess from looking at me or them but what does that tell you. You can lead a perfectly ordinary life and smoke doob. Its so commonplace that its barely remarked on!

prinz

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

I dont think anyone has ever ended up in A&E due to cannibas!!!

Off hand, I know two personally. One started a fire in his flat, and the other walked into traffic.

Oh The Humanity

prinz wrote: »

Off hand, I know two personally. One started a fire in his flat, and the other walked into traffic.

Gadzooks! The fools!

Ok I concede on that!

prinz

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

Gadzooks! The fools!

Ok I concede on that!

:pac: Not sure which contributed more the cannabis or the downright stupidity, anyway going OT

Cuddlesworth

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

I dont think anyone has ever ended up in A&E due to cannibas!!!

No, but a few people do end up in hospital for other reasons. I nearly did, my mate did. And it took years for him to get normal again.

Op; from somebody who has seen the worst it can do I would say let him. If used responsibly its no different from alcohol, just a light relaxant. You have to trust he won't go beyond the odd joint now and again.

dearg lady

4hero wrote: »

It's the thin line between infrequent and increasingly frequent, regular and frequent and deciding when it's crossed either line into something more than what it started out as.

I can understand why this is worrying for you. Pretty much everything is fine in moderation, but as you say, a thin line. I suppose you know him best, and would know likely he is to veer into using it too often, maybe lookin at when he smoked before, was it often? Or how often he drinks? Not really foolproof I know, pot and booze are two very different things!