Men, women and sexual satisfaction

LegacyUser

I am a 30 yr old female. I have always met really nice boyfriends but a couple of years ago I went out with someone who I really started to fall for but turns out he was only playing the field. As a result I lost my confidence with guys and have since been very slow to open up to men.

Around the same time, perhaps because I was going out less, but I started watching porn. I found some obscene websites and found myself being interested in porn that was derogatory towards women. Where the man, or men, are totally dominant and the woman is submissive. I don't watch anything where I think someone is being genuinly harmed, I have boundries, but I'm only turned on if a woman is involved and is submissive.

The reason I mentioned my boyfriend history is that now I feel I have been exposed to a whole other side to sex/men and sexual relationships. How a man can sleep with a woman when he knows she is falling for him and she thinks it's all nice and intimate, but yet he is only in it for sexual pleasure/dominance/control.

For me watching porn is just a fantasy, and I'm fascinated/ slightly obsessed, at how different men and women can be when it comes to the satisfaction that both get out of sex.

I don't even know what I want to achieve by posting this. I guess I'm just hoping for some shared opinions

Thanks

shellyboo

Not really sure what you're asking here, OP, but just want to put this out there:

Intimacy and sexual dominance aren't mutually exclusive. You can be into D/s sex and still have a "normal", intimate relationship outside of the bedroom.

Joey the lips

Fantasy and reality are 2 different things. You can fantasise about being raped by multiple women( In my case) does not mean you want it to happen. You can fantasise about large brests but be very content with the 32B at the end of the day.

I fantasise a lot. Hell an awful lot. My o/h things I am mad but she admitted one day that she did as well.

The difference between you and your b/f is that they are in reality and in reality its wrong to cheat etc,,,,

No harm in fantasy infact from what I read its healthy

LegacyUser

I am on the opposite end of the scale. I too love porn where women are being submissive and men mean and dominant. But I am 31 yr old male. My OH likes being submissive but I have never had the guts to be as dominant as I would really like. I still love and respect women but would like to be rough and dominant with them. A paradox.
Nice to hear some women find it a turn on even if it is fantasy.

prinz

Unregistered wrote: »

For me watching porn is just a fantasy, and I'm fascinated/ slightly obsessed, at how different men and women can be when it comes to the satisfaction that both get out of sex.

Or how similar they can be. Whats the issue? . Some men like to be dominated by women..... some people don't go for the whole domination/submission thing at all....

LegacyUser

OP here

Thank you very much for your comments. It's nice to know my thoughts are acceptable and I don't come across like a freak.

It's helped me to clarify what's bothering me. I don't sleep with people easily, but when I do meet someone I really like I am into all types of sex. Slow sex, quickies, making love, dirty sex, whatever. Because I know I am in a trusting relationship and we both respect and trust each other no matter what sort of sex we are having. But since I realised I wasn't in a trusting relationship with my ex, it made me sad and withdrawn to think he didn't respect me during any sex that we were having. Where I was all the time enjoying it and obviously feeling something completely different to what he was feeling.

But I have taken all of your comments on board. In reality it is wrong to cheat and with the right person in a trusting relationship you can have any sort of sex you want because you still respect each other.

So, thanks

Eve_Dublin

prinz wrote: »

Or how similar they can be. Whats the issue? . Some men like to be dominated by women..... some people don't go for the whole domination/submission thing at all....

Yep I would agree with this. Let me get this straight: your PI is that you've enjoyed porn where a women is submissive to a dominant male but now you feel odd that your ex didn't view your sexual relationship as intimate because, by default, only men have these desires?

But you too have admitted to being turned on/fantasising by this type of porn.

Honestly, speaking from experience, it's not just men who have these types of supposed "filthy thoughts' going through their minds....PLENTY of women do too including yourself (and me and plenty other women out there if they're honest with themselves) . Are you incapable of intimacy and love as a result? Nah, of course not! As Shellyboo said, they're not mutually exclusive...in a loving relationship there's room for all kinds of experimentation and this is the key to keeping relationships fresh. Life it too short for a lifetime of suppressed desires and fantasies so just go with it. It's all good.

lynnmarie

I'm in a very loving intimate relationship but i love nothing more than my boyfriend being dominant, demanding and rough in bed.. We barely ever kiss when having sex.. Yet afterwards we are very close an extremely intimate..
it's completly natural to do whatever makes you feel happy and you should just go with it no matter what anyone elses opinion may be..

shellyboo

Unregistered wrote: »

OP here

Thank you very much for your comments. It's nice to know my thoughts are acceptable and I don't come across like a freak.

It's helped me to clarify what's bothering me. I don't sleep with people easily, but when I do meet someone I really like I am into all types of sex. Slow sex, quickies, making love, dirty sex, whatever. Because I know I am in a trusting relationship and we both respect and trust each other no matter what sort of sex we are having. But since I realised I wasn't in a trusting relationship with my ex, it made me sad and withdrawn to think he didn't respect me during any sex that we were having. Where I was all the time enjoying it and obviously feeling something completely different to what he was feeling.

But I have taken all of your comments on board. In reality it is wrong to cheat and with the right person in a trusting relationship you can have any sort of sex you want because you still respect each other.

So, thanks

You can also still respect someone and have sex with them outside of a trusting relationship... I mean, I've had casual sex partners who I totally respected and still do, and we weren't in a relationship. I trusted them, yes, but we weren't boyfriend and girlfriend.

I kinda get the feeling that you're trying to make your ex out to be a bad guy who took advantage of you... that might not be the case. It's entirely possible to have sex, even kinky sex, with someone just for the sex alone and still respect them.

I think you're just hurt that this guy didn't feel the same way you do - and I can tell you that no matter what sort of sex you were having, it would still have hurt when he said no to a relationship.

LegacyUser

OP here again

I suppose I should clarify the type of porn I like is borderline rape, where the girl is drunk, where the girl is much younger than the guy. In other words she is being used and taken advantage of. Clearly here there is a ‘gap’ between what the guy is getting out of it and what the girl is getting out of it.

But since I like this type of porn I feel like I know what the man gets out of it! But for me this is just a fantasy. I hate to think of this going on in real life. And I am slightly obsessed at thinking how this does go on in real life. At how different the man can be to the woman in this situation. Where she is being used, but she is not aware that she is being used. But he is aware that he is using her.

With my ex, I feel like this was my experience of being used. Since I really liked him and he wasn’t really into me, but I didn’t realise, there was clearly a ‘gap’ here in what I was thinking and what he was thinking. And this is the part that fascinates me. How two people can feel such different things during sex.

So I completely agree with you. If two people respect each other, you can have any sort of sex you want. Even if it’s a one night stand, you both know it’s a one night stand. But where one person is being used, it’s different.

I really appreciate your comments. It’s encouraged me to explain myself which has clarified things in my own head. I might actually cut out porn for a while and start focusing on the nice men out there and stop obsessing about the bad ones!

Nevyn

Unregistered wrote: »

OP here again

I suppose I should clarify the type of porn I like is borderline rape, where the girl is drunk, where the girl is much younger than the guy. In other words she is being used and taken advantage of. Clearly here there is a ‘gap’ between what the guy is getting out of it and what the girl is getting out of it.

Why do you assume that she is not aroused turned on and getting her jollies as much as the guy?

Unregistered wrote: »

But since I like this type of porn I feel like I know what the man gets out of it! But for me this is just a fantasy. I hate to think of this going on in real life. And I am slightly obsessed at thinking how this does go on in real life. At how different the man can be to the woman in this situation. Where she is being used, but she is not aware that she is being used. But he is aware that he is using her.

Look taboos are often turn ons for people and role playing out such encounters is not tat unsuaul as long as it is safe, sane and consensual and you have a partner with whom you have love, trust and respect.

Unregistered wrote: »

With my ex, I feel like this was my experience of being used. Since I really liked him and he wasn’t really into me, but I didn’t realise, there was clearly a ‘gap’ here in what I was thinking and what he was thinking.

That maybe the case with some couples but not with all.

Unregistered wrote: »

And this is the part that fascinates me. How two people can feel such different things during sex.

Human sexuality is rather complex and there are many emotional and psychological aspects to it. But I don't see why you should enguage in sexual actives which do not do anything for you personally.

Unregistered wrote: »

So I completely agree with you. If two people respect each other, you can have any sort of sex you want. Even if it’s a one night stand, you both know it’s a one night stand. But where one person is being used, it’s different.

So you feel that in your last relationship that your ex was only interested in the sexual aspects of the relationship and you feel that he pretended to be interested in you emotionally and faked a relationship to use you for sex?

Unregistered wrote: »

I really appreciate your comments. It’s encouraged me to explain myself which has clarified things in my own head.

I would be concerned that woman would think that sex and their sexuality was solely about letting their body be used to gratify the pleasure of others with no acknowledgement of or tending to thier own sexual needs/pleasure.

Unregistered wrote: »

I might actually cut out porn for a while and start focusing on the nice men out there and stop obsessing about the bad ones!

I think that might be a good idea as it seems to be skewing your perspectives.

eolair

I think your confusion stems from the fact that you discovered that a fantasy which turns you on is quite close to what happened you in real life, but the real life situation was a bad experience.

Maybe one way of dealing with it is to recognise (a) the real life guy was an asshole, (b) fantasies are just that - to keep in your head and enjoy - and nothing ot do with real life (c) not all men are assholes.

What I'm trying to say is your confusion stems from the fantasy and reality coming too close together, and the negative experience in one affecting the other. You need to put some clear blue water between them - which should allow you to enjoy both, separately.

aidan24326

Unregistered wrote: »

The reason I mentioned my boyfriend history is that now I feel I have been exposed to a whole other side to sex/men and sexual relationships. How a man can sleep with a woman when he knows she is falling for him and she thinks it's all nice and intimate, but yet he is only in it for sexual pleasure/dominance/control.

But just because you had one boyfriend who turned out like that says nothing about your next one. Some guys will always play the field no matter what, most will treat you with more respect than that.

For me watching porn is just a fantasy, and I'm fascinated/ slightly obsessed, at how different men and women can be when it comes to the satisfaction that both get out of sex.

But hardcore porn in general has little relevance to the real world. Isn't that why we call it fantasy? I don't think 5 guys cumming in a girl's face is a particularly common practice in the bedrooms of Ireland (or any other country) unless I'm seriously missing something.

There is an evolutionary reason why men and momen's approach to sex is somewhat different. It's to do with reproductive capacity.

EDIT: I realise that only explains our psychogical approach to sex in the mating sense. I imagine in a loving relationship the satisfaction of both men and women ought to be similiar, i.e pleasure, closeness, intimacy etc

Outside of a relationship man and women are often both happy to indulge in sex purely for pleasure alone, so perhaps we're not that different after all.

Unregistered wrote: »

...and with the right person in a trusting relationship you can have any sort of sex you want because you still respect each other.

Quite right, and that's all that really matters.

Snoogans

Having a dom/sub relationship in the bedroom and having a healthy relationship are not mutually exclusive. There are people (we're rare I know) that will be as vile, degrading, dominant and abusive as you want behind closed doors while maintaining a healthy level of respect for our partners.

Furthermore, having raunchy, kinky, 'taboo' sex doesn't exclude love, intimacy, and all those other good things that relationships bring either... although not both in the same session.

LegacyUser

OP again..

Adain 24326, rather than copy all of your post i'll just say thanks to all of it. I got to read it this morning (but couldn't reply at work) before you edited it. And I thought what you actually explained about the mechanics of our human nature and about the way we choose our mates was very interesting! (And also the part about chat up lines of those in power in the old times was quite funny).

Anyway this has been something very personal to me that I haven't been able to talk to people about and have never tried to explain before. So getting your viewpoints has helped me clear things in my head that I have bottled up for ages.

Eolair, what you suggested, thank you thank you.

And to everyone who has reminded me how good a respectful relationship is. Sex is a wonderful thing that all of us humans can do and nice to know so many of you have lovely relationships where anything goes.

Sarah W

Snoogans wrote: »

Having a dom/sub relationship in the bedroom and having a healthy relationship are not mutually exclusive. There are people (we're rare I know) that will be as vile, degrading, dominant and abusive as you want behind closed doors while maintaining a healthy level of respect for our partners.

Furthermore, having raunchy, kinky, 'taboo' sex doesn't exclude love, intimacy, and all those other good things that relationships bring either... although not both in the same session.

99% agree - except for the last sentence. You can be degraded/ing and humiliated/ing and loved/ing in the same session. It's wonderful.

OP, everyone who has an interest in 'alternative' sexuality feels themselves to be alone or strange in some way. If you do have an interest there are lots of resources and forums out there where you can learn if it's something you want to explore further and chat to other perverts (said in the nicest possible way!).