I have a medical condition, but my fiance doesn't want to know!

aoibhebree

Well, basically, I've just been diagnosed with Cushings Syndrome. I've known something wasn't right for about a year now, but have put off going to the doctor. As it turns out, this condition is rare enough, but completely treatable. My doctor says it's most likely caused by a benign tumour in my brain (eek!) which will probably require surgery. She said I might have a few painful months after, but I should make a full recovery. I'm ok with that. I'm not afraid of pain, but I am afraid of dying. Anyways she's referred me to an endocrinologist for further tests to see exactly what we're dealing with.

The thing is, my fiance knows something is up, but he just doesn't seem bothered to know what! He knows I've had tests done and the results aren't normal, and he knows I'm worried about it, but if I try to bring it up with him, the conversation goes something like,
Me: "Well, the doctor rang, those other tests showed I still have a really high level of cortisol."
Him: "Oh right."
Me: "So that's what's been causing the high blood pressure."
Him: "Oh right."
Me: "But the problem is, they need to work out what's making my cortisol levels so high."
Him: "Oh right. Well, there's not much on TV tonight. Want to go for a few drinks or something?"

This isn't just a once-off, I've tried to bring it up a few times now, when we're both alone and doing nothing else, but he always manages to change the subject.

I know I'm just going to have to sit him down and explain it to him, but it would help if it felt like he cared! I can't talk to my family, they've enough to worry about as it is, and I don't want to tell my friends just yet. At this stage I think I'll just leave it until I know more about what I'm dealing with, unless he brings it up again before then.

He's the best in the world most of the time, so sweet and thoughtful, and he really is my best friend. We can usually talk about anything. I'm annoyed at him for not acting more concerned, but I'm also annoyed at myself for not just spelling it out to him!

But then what if I did, and it turned out to be not so serious after all and I got him all worried for nothing?

I suppose I'm not really looking for advice as such, just wanted to rant really because I've no one else to talk to about it.

**Timbuk2**

My first instinct is that if he doesn't care, you should break up with him as this is obviously an issue for you, but he isn't showing much interest.

But you say he is normally the 'best in the world'. It's quite possible that he's just scared. In some way, he could be in denial, and he thinks that by ignoring the problem it will go away.

You could talk to him but make sure to reassure him often that you will be just fine - that you won't die or you won't be sick for the rest of your life.

Try asking him, directly, "Why won't you talk to me about this?"

CDfm

It sounds to me like you havent explained it to him as clearly as you have here.

I wouldnt know what cortisol is or anything like that and the way you put it made it sound like cholestoral or something.

Sit him down and discuss it.

fasty

aoibhebree wrote: »

Well, basically, I've just been diagnosed with Cushings Syndrome. I've known something wasn't right for about a year now, but have put off going to the doctor. As it turns out, this condition is rare enough, but completely treatable. My doctor says it's most likely caused by a benign tumour in my brain (eek!) which will probably require surgery. She said I might have a few painful months after, but I should make a full recovery. I'm ok with that. I'm not afraid of pain, but I am afraid of dying. Anyways she's referred me to an endocrinologist for further tests to see exactly what we're dealing with.

The thing is, my fiance knows something is up, but he just doesn't seem bothered to know what! He knows I've had tests done and the results aren't normal, and he knows I'm worried about it, but if I try to bring it up with him, the conversation goes something like,
Me: "Well, the doctor rang, those other tests showed I still have a really high level of cortisol."
Him: "Oh right."
Me: "So that's what's been causing the high blood pressure."
Him: "Oh right."
Me: "But the problem is, they need to work out what's making my cortisol levels so high."
Him: "Oh right. Well, there's not much on TV tonight. Want to go for a few drinks or something?"

This isn't just a once-off, I've tried to bring it up a few times now, when we're both alone and doing nothing else, but he always manages to change the subject.

I know I'm just going to have to sit him down and explain it to him, but it would help if it felt like he cared! I can't talk to my family, they've enough to worry about as it is, and I don't want to tell my friends just yet. At this stage I think I'll just leave it until I know more about what I'm dealing with, unless he brings it up again before then.

He's the best in the world most of the time, so sweet and thoughtful, and he really is my best friend. We can usually talk about anything. I'm annoyed at him for not acting more concerned, but I'm also annoyed at myself for not just spelling it out to him!

But then what if I did, and it turned out to be not so serious after all and I got him all worried for nothing?

I suppose I'm not really looking for advice as such, just wanted to rant really because I've no one else to talk to about it.

Basically, some people are thick when it comes to this stuff. Other times, they're worried about person they love and go into some sort of denial over it.

Either way, you should've said:

"The results aren't normal. It's not life threatening but it's serious and I'm in for a tough few months."

kmick

I am sorry of this sounds harsh and I hope you get better soon but I will try to give you my (a mans) perspective on this.

There is a simple explanation he is a man.
If you want him to do something like rub your back cause you have had a long day or drive you to the hospital or bring you a magazine and some lucozade when you are in hospital he will be the first in line. Men can only deal with things that are real not possible tumours in someone else brain. Its just too much for us to get our heads around. Give him some literature and let him digest it slowly if possible.

If you want him to sit down and discuss how he feels and ask you how you are feeling, and are you scared, and how does this affect us all, and will this cause problems in the future then talk to your mum. By all means tell him how you feel but dont pressure him to be Dr Phil. Must of us are more like Homer than Doctor Phil.

barbiegirl

He's scared and running away. He's scared that the woman he'd planned on spending the next sixty or so years with is sick. Ask him to come to a doctors appointment with you. Print him out all the info on Cushings, tell him what you need from him. Best of luck

RossFixxxed

Did you actually explain what's wrong? Throwing stuff about cortosil etc makes no sense to someone not up on it. It might just sound like you've nothing really wrong and want attention. Have you shown the severity and the fear of it.

That said: If my OH was sick with a head cold I'd be trying to help, he does sound like a total... well you know.

sillyputty

My immediate reaction upon reading your post is that hes scared, he is your fiance and obv loves you very much and maybe the prospect of major surgery on the woman he love just scares the bejaysus out of him especially since it is completely out of his hands and there is nothing he can do to make it all better.

Its probably easier for him to change the subject and try to have the happy normal relationship he had before your diagnosis and pretend everything is fine.

Talk to him, tell him you understand its scary but you need his support, and as previous posters said try to get him as much information as possible on the condition so he can better understand what to expect and how best to help you deal with the recovery.

aoibhebree

You're all right of course, the problem isn't so much with him, although maybe he is in denial a bit. I just need to grow a pair (not literally!) and tell him. Even if he didn't change the subject every time I bring it up, I'd probably chicken out. It's just that saying it out loud makes it seem so real. And I am a little freaked out by it all.

I'd just feel a bit silly if I got us both all worried over nothing, because the doctor said there's always a chance I won't even need surgery, it'll depend on what the scans show.

I've known something was up with me for a good while now, and to be honest I was paranoid that it was something far worse. And I kind of gave him that impression too, so maybe he's afraid to ask in case I was right and it's something life-threatening. It sounds ridiculous, like we can't communicate to each other at all, but I think the problem is that we know each other so well that we can practically read each other's minds at times and don't even need to talk, but in this case there's been a miscommunication! That probably makes no sense at all, but it makes sense to me

Das Kitty

aoibhebree wrote: »

You're all right of course, the problem isn't so much with him, although maybe he is in denial a bit. I just need to grow a pair (not literally!) and tell him. Even if he didn't change the subject every time I bring it up, I'd probably chicken out. It's just that saying it out loud makes it seem so real. And I am a little freaked out by it all.

I'd just feel a bit silly if I got us both all worried over nothing, because the doctor said there's always a chance I won't even need surgery, it'll depend on what the scans show.

I've known something was up with me for a good while now, and to be honest I was paranoid that it was something far worse. And I kind of gave him that impression too, so maybe he's afraid to ask in case I was right and it's something life-threatening. It sounds ridiculous, like we can't communicate to each other at all, but I think the problem is that we know each other so well that we can practically read each other's minds at times and don't even need to talk, but in this case there's been a miscommunication! That probably makes no sense at all, but it makes sense to me

Hugs for you sweetie.

I think ye're both a bit "if we don't talk about it it's not happening." I think you're going to need to take the direct approach with him, start with the bad and then work back. "I may have a brain tumor that might need surgery. But don't worry..."

You need his support and he'll need yours too, his beloved fiancee is ill.

I know my own husband goes a bit head in the sand with things sometimes and I have to snap him out of it.

Good luck!

The Real B-man

CDfm wrote: »

It sounds to me like you havent explained it to him as clearly as you have here.

I wouldnt know what cortisol is or anything like that and the way you put it made it sound like cholestoral or something.

Sit him down and discuss it.

I agree with CDfm tell him straight if you didnt explain the way you did on here i would think it was something to do with Hormones or something!

Boston

aoibhebree wrote: »

You're all right of course, the problem isn't so much with him, although maybe he is in denial a bit. I just need to grow a pair (not literally!) and tell him. Even if he didn't change the subject every time I bring it up, I'd probably chicken out. It's just that saying it out loud makes it seem so real. And I am a little freaked out by it all.

I'd just feel a bit silly if I got us both all worried over nothing, because the doctor said there's always a chance I won't even need surgery, it'll depend on what the scans show.

"I've a benign Tumour, I may need surgery". That doesn't leave much room for a subject change. You seem to be pussy footing about hoping he'll connect the dots from High cortisol to brain tumour. Tell him or don't tell him the choice is yours, but don't hold it him not caring against him if you having given him the opportunity to do so.

iheartny

Your partner sounds scared. Avoiding the conversation is avoiding the problem.
Thing is if you are worried yourself and need him, maybe just lay your cards on the table and ask him to come with you to an appointment with you (as someone else mentioned). Ask him to be there for you, he might be too scared to offer to come because he doesnt want to face reality.
I obviously hope to God this is nothing serious for you, but should the worse happen you'll really need your partner by your side to talk to and share your fears with.
I highly doubt he doesn't care - I just think he's not quite sure how to deal with it.
When my Dad had cancer (he's ok now!!!) my whole family just 'got on with it'. Of course we cared but we didn't run around crying the whole time. We turned a blind eye to the possibilites of things not working out and powered through knowing he would come out okay in the end. Had the time come when we had to face 'reality' we would have, some people just deal with things in a different way. I think our way worked for us, but everyone is different.
Good luck with everything, I hope you are okay and don't be afraid to speak with him. It might do him good not having everything bottled up... x

LauraLoo

stop beating around the bush- you need to just tell him "i have cushings syndrome" if he continues to change the subject "this isnt going to just go away, we need to talk about it" if he's not ready to talk about it then and there ask him will he be ready to talk the next day. leave him with some paper work explaining what it is and let him read through it on his own.

women talk about things to process them
men go quiet and process it in their head before they are ready to talk about it

it doesnt mean he doesnt care- in fact the quieter he goes, the more he cares IMO

aoibhebree

Thanks for all the advice. He's away working for the week now anyway so I won't see him til Thursday or Friday, it'll give me time to work up the courage to tell him!! I'm definitely not going to tell him over the phone anyway. And I think it's probably a good idea to have all the documentation about it ready to give him, thanks for suggesting that. Will let ye know how it goes.