Feelings of anxiety and suicide because of sexuality.

I.J.

At 25 I recently started to make an effort to confront my sexuality, having completely locked it away for over 12 years or more. I thought things were going well as Ive started to come out to friends but its now starting to make me an even lonelier person. Im killing myself slowly with a destructive lifestyle as a result. Even if friends are fine I'm feeling so different to everybody and I don't know nor have I ever known anybody whose gay. These feelings of anxiety have grown stronger and it feels worse than when I was a miserable closet case. I dont want some support line for this. I know all I need is to be where I feel I can breathe and not worry or be concerned about who knows Im gay. My family is completely homophobic. Im expected to fit some 1940s farmer stereotype of expressing no emotion and "be a man". I give off no suggestion I might be gay and its not suspected by my family but Im feeling so sick now down to the pit of my stomach, not being able to be free. To have that human contact with somebody. To just have some like minded friends. I wouldnt even know how to make friends with somebody whose gay because Im only new to accepting this and have been filled with all the homophobic attitudes making it all so confusing for me. I stop and realise im 25 now and that only makes me feel so much worse. Sorry if this post sounds like the big cliche of the day but its a living reality. A horrifying one at that which is just going to result in another addition to a premature death statistics.

LookingFor

Hi I.J.,

The pain in your post is quite evident

The first thing I'd say to you is that at 25, you're young! It's not at all unusual for people to only start coming into their own in their twenties. Many, many people share that experience and are no worse off as a result.

Second, are you living at home with your family?

Third, if you have a the freedom to pursue a 'self destructive' lifestyle, would you not have the freedom also to just go out and meet people with solely the intention of making friends? Or are there internal blocks to there for you and the idea of having gay friends?

How have your existing friends reacted? You say they're fine..can you rely on them as a support?

It sort of sounds like you half expected the world to turn upside down and change completely when you started coming out? That it hasn't isn't necessarily a bad thing..

I'd supplement all of this by saying that if you have feelings of overwhelming anxiety, to the point of physical sickness, not to mention suicidal feelings, you should consider talking to your GP.

LegacyUser

Have you tried the likes of queerid.com and gaire (social networking/forum) etc in terms of making a few friends? Can't say I have gone to one of their meets or anything but they seem like a nice bunch, welcoming of newbies and meet up fairly reg with new people joining the whole time. Seems like a fair few would have gone from feeling how you feel at the mo to have a decent group of friends (by what I read online anyway )I would have been skeptial at first of sites like that but they seem to really help people and are bit of craic at same time.

Snoogans

Oh dear.

I know exactly how you feel, I identify with it to a scary degree. From the sound of things, you're living at home. Move out, start over. Move far away as you can. Trust me, you will *never* be happy until you can get out from under an oppressive family and their oppressive expectations of you. Things will get better though. I promise.

Aard

I won't reiterate what was said above; it's sound advice.


Re the suicidal thoughts: if you're even contemplating, then I urge you to see a non-judgmental GP (if you're in the sticks, I know they can have prejudices, so you might want to go to Dublin) or a councellor who specialises in suicide. There's a place called Pieta House in Dublin that's free. They specialise in suicide prevention.

IMC042

You're not alone! I agree with Snoogans... I think that all gay people go through these feelings. You need to move away from your family and start over. Take things one step at a time. Seeing a GP to talk is also a good idea. Please trust me when i say you will feel better!

bp1989

Come on guys, moving away may not be possible. And it won't help his situation with his family, if he "moves far away" he could lose them forever.

Wouldn't your family prefer you to be a happy gay man than a suicidal "unemotional" straight man? Think about it. When someone loves you, they want what's best for you. If you tell them you're gay and that pretending to be straight makes you feel in such ways, there is no way they could be angry with you. After all, you're family. It's common knowledge that people change their view of homosexuality when they discover family members or friends are gay.

Come out, and you will feel like a new man. I promise you.

Dwn Wth Vwls

I can certainly empathise with your position to a certain degree, and I'd hope that you can believe me that things can and will improve.

Firstly, being 25 is not a big deal. I only figured things out myself last year at 24. Plenty of people don't come to terms with it until their 30s, 40s or later. It's really great that you've come out to some friends, in some ways you've already gotten over the biggest hurdle. All of that time you were in the closet is in the past, there's no need to dwell on it. You're not there anymore and you just need to move forward.

Making friends who are gay/bi is definitely a requirement at this point, nothing beats talking to someone else who understands where you're coming from. If you want to go the online route, there are a few forums as mentioned (queerid/gaire/angrypotato/regional ones) and plenty of people will be willing to talk to you one-on-one. I'm sure lots of people here will offer the same and you can PM me if you want.

If you want to start off in person, then I'd suggest dropping in to these people http://www.outhouse.ie/groups.asp?id=116 and talking to them. There's also a general Men's Night there, but it can feel a bit intimidating walking into a group of gay/bi people for the first time. Especially if you're still coming to terms with your own homophobia. It's much easier if you're going with/meeting someone you know. All of the aforementioned forums have regular meetups too.

There are millions of gay/bi people in the world, you are not alone. You just need to reach out and connect with some.

I.J.

I am very grateful to everybody for responding and sharing your support and suggestions.

'Lookingfor', I am living with my parents but as 'bp1989' suggested moving away is not that easy. I know it seems like the best decision because I can be free to live as I please but I need to hear the right things from people to know I can be comfortable with my sexuality, having spent so many years hearing homophobia and fabricating this ultimate heterosexual masculine image for myself.

I am on the wrong side of survival. I hope some change of events in fate can emerge but I fInd that somewhat doubtful. If anything I hope this message informs some people who feel the world is better for homosexuals that there is still some slipping through that safety net.

Annasopra

IJ

I am genuinely worried from your last message that you are in a deep sense of despair and need some help. If you are feeling that negative you really do need to seek some sort of counselling ASAP. The gay mens health project offer a free counselling

The thing is you may at this moment in time feel that there is no hope but there is! Many of us have felt down and depressed at coming out - have faced homophobic parents who eventually came around and are quite supportive . Perhaps you can get your parents to contact Parents support? http://www.lovingouroutkids.org/

Ashlinggnilsia

Its really hard to try and figure this out because there is so many things i want to say to you....I think my brother may have been like you. I had absolutly no idea he was gay nobody in my family had a clue until he told us for himself! He told myself my mother and brother about it when he was 18 and we were shocked well not shocked like in a bad way more suprised we just never suspected it. He then went to college and he changed into a totally different person he is so happy and outgoing now and he was never that way! Im so happy for him and so is my mam and brother though my father likes to pretend he doesnt know ...I think thats just because he thinks it will be weird between them or something wil change if he aknowleges it(sorry cant spell) i hate to feel like it seems as though you have given up. I know you said moving out isnt as easy as it seems but mayb could you enrol in a college course away from where you live or something like that as a mature student? That way you would get the grants etc you require to make it possible for you to move away!! I know its hard for you to see now and you may think what i say is unimaginable but I gaurentee you, you can be happy and do what you want...you dont have to loose your family either. Mayb instead of thinking of what a bad situation you are in at the moment you should try and think of ways out of it asking friends aswel, there is also lost of ways to meet gay people...

I hope what ive said is helpful, but i cant help but feel the need to want to solve your problems but I dont know what else to say to you!

Jafin

Ashlinggnilsia wrote: »

Its really hard to try and figure this out because there is so many things i want to say to you....I think my brother may have been like you. I had absolutly no idea he was gay nobody in my family had a clue until he told us for himself! He told myself my mother and brother about it when he was 18 and we were shocked well not shocked like in a bad way more suprised we just never suspected it. He then went to college and he changed into a totally different person he is so happy and outgoing now and he was never that way! Im so happy for him and so is my mam and brother though my father likes to pretend he doesnt know ...I think thats just because he thinks it will be weird between them or something wil change if he aknowleges it(sorry cant spell) i hate to feel like it seems as though you have given up. I know you said moving out isnt as easy as it seems but mayb could you enrol in a college course away from where you live or something like that as a mature student? That way you would get the grants etc you require to make it possible for you to move away!! I know its hard for you to see now and you may think what i say is unimaginable but I gaurentee you, you can be happy and do what you want...you dont have to loose your family either. Mayb instead of thinking of what a bad situation you are in at the moment you should try and think of ways out of it asking friends aswel, there is also lost of ways to meet gay people...

I hope what ive said is helpful, but i cant help but feel the need to want to solve your problems but I dont know what else to say to you!

Well said Ashling. IJ, you should listen to what she has said, if you feel your family wont be accepting you NEED to get away for a while and find somewhere where you feel comfortable. And like the poster 2 posts above, I am genuinely worried by what you said in your last message. Please please PLEASE see a counsellor or something, even just a chat to your friends about the way you feel and how depressed you are. It really will help.

Untense

I.J. wrote: »

'Lookingfor', I am living with my parents but as 'bp1989' suggested moving away is not that easy.

And dying is easier?
Are you not even going to try? There are groups everywhere, you don't even need to make a big move to reach them, you could stay in a hostel and attend one of these meets. There are websites everywhere where you can reach out to people.
Failing that there are support lines you can ring to speak with someone.

I know it seems like the best decision because I can be free to live as I please but I need to hear the right things from people to know I can be comfortable with my sexuality, having spent so many years hearing homophobia and fabricating this ultimate heterosexual masculine image for myself.

You need to hear the right things from people? From who? Your family?
That's absolute bull****. The only person you need to hear the right things from is yourself, and it sounds to me like right now you're not telling yourself the right things at all.


Your family might have been the ones spouting the homophobia, but it was you who believed what they said and internalised it, and you are the one with the power to keep believing that and allowing it to be true. We all did this growing up, not just with sexuality. But now it's your responsibility to realise the stuff they were spouting is not true. You are the one with the power to choose to no longer believe it. Not your family or anyone else. Your family can't do any of that for you.

From fear of judgement and everything else, you created a macho facade for protection. But remember it was you who created the macho facade, and nobody else has the power to change that.
It is you who lives the lie in every moment and it's only you who has the power to change.

I am on the wrong side of survival.

That's bull****. You will survive as long as you don't make a choice to do something stupid. Why not make a better choice? You say you're on a self-destructive path, if you realise that, what is keeping you on that path? If you can find out what's putting you on the path and heal it, there's no longer anything to keep you on the path.

I hope some change of events in fate can emerge but I fInd that somewhat doubtful.

You need to make a change.

You say you feel terrible because you're not able to be free, but that's bull**** as well. You can be free if you're willing to take a few risks and actually dare to live.
There are people here inviting you to message them, there are people here sending you links to organisations. What are you doing about it?

Ive started to come out to friends but its now starting to make me an even lonelier person. Im killing myself slowly with a destructive lifestyle as a result. Even if friends are fine I'm feeling so different to everybody and I don't know nor have I ever known anybody whose gay.

So you've come out to your friends, they're fine with it. But you feel more different to everyone? Do you not see how this is coming from you and not your family or your friends, or your sexuality? It has nothing to do with your sexuality. It has to do with your thinking.
If it was because of your sexuality, then I and all other gay people would also feel different to everyone. I don't feel different to my friends and family, so how can it be that? If you feel different to your friends and family it can only be because you're focusing on one small aspect of yourself and blowing it out of proportion. Yes, your sexuality is a small part of your personality, I bet you don't believe that right now.

Also, how do you know you've never known anyone else who's gay? If you were in the closet, who's to say you don't have friends who were also in the closet? Maybe your coming out will give them permission to do the same.
Even if not, it's really easy to reach out to other gay people if you want to.