Sudden self doubt

LegacyUser

I've never really had much confidence, but was always able to rationalise things to a certain point by saying to myself for example "you're just being paranoid," "what they think is their business, nothing to do with you" "you know that your are X."

I always thought I was quite self aware as well, as in I knew how I was behaving, but last week a friend told me that I sometimes give off the impression that I don't care about getting to know people. This completely shocked me, I had no idea I was giving off this impression.
I am in a foreign country and have made casual friendships with a large group of people from other nationalities. We all meet up at least once a week and for various reasons I have missed a lot of these meetings. When I said I had noticed an "atmosphere" with some of them, my friend said that "people who miss a lot of these meetings give off the impression that they're not interested in getting to know the others." This is aboslutely not true! I would love to have closer friendships with them and always find it interesting talking about how it is with them at home etc.

Then the next day, another friend who has never met any of the other group told me that at our second meeting he and another friend got the impression that I didn't like them from how I behaved! This was another blow. I can't believe I'm giving off these false impressions! I can't believe I'm coming off so arrogantly as if i don't give a sh!t about other people. If someone was behaving like that with me, I would also want nothing to do with them.

None of these friends have any reason to deliberatly hurt me, and it does all make sense.
The thing is, my already low confidence is shot to bits. I'm so paranoid now. If I go out and I think people are "giving me looks, " instead of thinking "you're being paranoid" or "well you know you look ok" I think, "what if there's some truth in it." I felt sick meeting the group again, and am constantly worrying about how I am behaving. I think "was that actually rude?" "are you sure you're acting acceptably now?" "maybe you should care what they think, maybe it's a sign that there's something wrong." I don't know where to draw the line between not caring what others think and accepting that there must be a problem. How can I stop this paranoia? It scares me that I wasn't aware of what I was doing and it turned people against me. How can I be more aware of what I'm doing? The constant paranoia and self doubt is driving me mad. Sorry for the long post.

Miacc

Unreg34567 wrote: »

I've never really had much confidence, but was always able to rationalise things to a certain point by saying to myself for example "you're just being paranoid," "what they think is their business, nothing to do with you" "you know that your are X."

I always thought I was quite self aware as well, as in I knew how I was behaving, but last week a friend told me that I sometimes give off the impression that I don't care about getting to know people. This completely shocked me, I had no idea I was giving off this impression.
I am in a foreign country and have made casual friendships with a large group of people from other nationalities. We all meet up at least once a week and for various reasons I have missed a lot of these meetings. When I said I had noticed an "atmosphere" with some of them, my friend said that "people who miss a lot of these meetings give off the impression that they're not interested in getting to know the others." This is aboslutely not true! I would love to have closer friendships with them and always find it interesting talking about how it is with them at home etc.

Then the next day, another friend who has never met any of the other group told me that at our second meeting he and another friend got the impression that I didn't like them from how I behaved! This was another blow. I can't believe I'm giving off these false impressions! I can't believe I'm coming off so arrogantly as if i don't give a sh!t about other people. If someone was behaving like that with me, I would also want nothing to do with them.

None of these friends have any reason to deliberatly hurt me, and it does all make sense.
The thing is, my already low confidence is shot to bits. I'm so paranoid now. If I go out and I think people are "giving me looks, " instead of thinking "you're being paranoid" or "well you know you look ok" I think, "what if there's some truth in it." I felt sick meeting the group again, and am constantly worrying about how I am behaving. I think "was that actually rude?" "are you sure you're acting acceptably now?" "maybe you should care what they think, maybe it's a sign that there's something wrong." I don't know where to draw the line between not caring what others think and accepting that there must be a problem. How can I stop this paranoia? It scares me that I wasn't aware of what I was doing and it turned people against me. How can I be more aware of what I'm doing? The constant paranoia and self doubt is driving me mad. Sorry for the long post.

Hi op, from your post there it doesnt sound like you dont give a **** but it's also not really clear what you did wrong? if you're feeling paranoid about people or your behavoiur that is likely to influence how free you feel in these types of situations, like the group meetings you mentioned - if you are really concerned you could go to see a psychologist who deals with interpersonal issues but if you decide to do this id say do your research first.

two people said things to you that made you think people were perceiving you as arrogant or something like that - you were also quick to draw the conclusion that they were being genuine and not trying to hurt you. if you're sure of this maybe you should ask them some time more about how they're perceiving this - for examples of the feedback they've given you...because you seem to be questioning your behaviour now and unsure about how youre behaving - maybe you need clarification for yourself. ... for the other issue - feeling paranoid - this might be something you could talk to a GOOD psychotherapist about that you can overcome. good luck.:)

LegacyUser

Oh my god you sound just like my best friend! You are a fretter. My friend frets about everything. I thought I was bad, she is the worst, worse than you too believe me!

Miacc is right, if you say these people are your friends, sit them down, take time to ask them for that feedback and for examples. See what they say and explain to them that that is not what is going on in your head.

If they are your friends they should accept you for being paranoid and fretting a bit about what goes on around you. I went to a counsellor before and she told me we are all just trying to understand one another, sometimes we do sometimes we don't, but we have to communicate. My friend frets about everything but i know she is a good person so i just let her fret away or else re assure her.

Anyway, you missed a few meetings, what is it like a bible group or something that they get so worked up about you missing a few meetings for your own personal reasons. You sound like you are sticking up for them but to be honest from the outside it sounds like they are immature for giving you a hard time for no serious reason. - "people who miss a lot of these meetings give off the impression that they're not interested in getting to know the others." - sorry but how old is she, she sounds like a d!ck.

Sounds to me too like you could be the popular girl since they all noticed you were missing and they all seem to care about what your opinion of them is!

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies so far.
My friend said that it wasn't just me, it was an attitude towards all the people who don't turn up very often, I've seen it myself before towards others and I don't want to be at the recieving end of it. I didn't really realize that it was "very often" but thinking back over it, it actually was.
She said it may come across as if we don't care about getting to know the others and we miss out on things, then we're a little bit out of the loop the next time. Maybe meetings was the wrong word- it's starting to sound like a weird cult! Maybe "outings" would be better, but 90% of the time these "outings" are meeting up in the local pub every Thursday.
The other friend told me that the reason he felt this way, is because I "didn't really react" when I saw them, I didn't go to give them a hug. I told him that I learned that that's not the done thing in this country, especially when you've only met the person once before (in my experience.) I just think I'm coming off as cold and distant. I wasn't aware of this. Now whenever I think of my good qualities like "I'm a friendly person," I also think "are you really?"
Both of these friends only said these things when I brought the matter up and asked them what they thought. They both kept reassuring me that I have nothing to worry about and now feel guilty for telling me even though I've told them I'm glad they did -I dont want to seen as arrogant, cold and distant! Going by my past, it makes sense that I might act this way sometimes, but I can't believe I was doing it while completely unaware!

LegacyUser

Can I make an assumption? That you are young?

It's just that you come across as a nice, independant and capable person. Over in a foreign country on your own and figuring things out for yourself.

But you seem to let other people control you. You are happy to rightly think and rightly believe that you are a nice person. Then you question your self just because someone else says something. You are figuring out the culture over e.g. the hugging a person not being acceptable, but then doubt yourself again when someone complains to you for not giving them a hug.

So what if you don't give them a hug? 1. you didn't think it was acceptable through a previous experience or something you heard. 2. you may not be the huggy type of person and so what that is perfectly fine. 3. if a person didn't like you because you didn't give them a hug, would you really want to hang around that sort of person??

Anyway you will drive yourself crazy trying to figure out what other people think of you. I used to get worked up about it too. Thing is we all have faults and im sure people will get annoyed with us once in a while without us knowing but there is no malice in it, you are a nice person so it's just a one off and they will get over it and next week they will just start talking about something else, in the same way you might just start talking about something that bothered you.

So, be proud of what you have achieved and enjoy yourself!

LegacyUser

It's nomral to have self doubt. We all have these feelings so you're not on your own : ). So maybe you haven't met up with these people as much as you 'should' have. There's nothing wrong with not meeting up with your acquaintances if it's merely because you're doing/interested in something else.

We all guess the right way to do things by following cues and listening to others. There're no hard and fast rules which makes things difficult sometimes and you're experiencing some of those difficulties now. Be true to yourself, as long as you're not hell-bent on making your acquaintances lives a misery, I wouldn't worry too much about the impression you're giving off.