End of a friendship

annalucia

I had gone travelling for a year from May 07 to May 08 and on returning I found my relationship with my best friend had gone very cool, before we would stay at one another's house after nights out, gossip etc, however after coming back from travelling she barely got in touch, she wasnt busy as she worked part time and is in full time education. In the mean time, I would ring quiet often like we used to but she would never ring me. one day I confronted her and said that it was selfish not to be in touch after I made such an effort over the last year while travelling, she said nothing on the phone but immediately I felt awful and tried to ring back but she wouldnt answer, I sent a mail reminishing about the past, I told her I meant what I said but she said Im living in the past and there is people losing jobs and homes and I should get real.

When I tried to text, she asked was I drunk when I made the call? Of course I wasnt. I was seeing red at that stage so I deleted her number. I had been friends with her 12 years, she decides to bitch about me to my olderst friend, who I have known 20 years and are only friends because of me, I heard of this after when I asked my second friend. I felt so betrayed and I had arranged to meet the 1st girl, I text her on the tuesday, she texts back on the saturday which was so annoying so we made a time on that day and then she makes me wait 30 mins before ringing saying she is going to be late, I tole her to forget it.

I havent talked to her since but I have no intention ever, she is behaving as if I killed someone, since then my friendships have been effected, I dont trust people, expecting them to be bitching about me, I used enjoy mixing friends but I feel like a social club, once I am used for social connections I am disgarded. It has hurt me so much and I have cried so much even though it happened nearly a year ago.

How do I trust people again? Am I over reacting, this girl suffers from depression and bulima and I have helped her loads over the years and she has got odd several times but I had never confronted her before. Its been such a rough few months, I had been knocked down by a car twice in 6 months. Usually Im strong brush any problems off but I feel such dispare!

TedB

Sounds like the girl has issues - listen, this is life. Things like this happen. Where old friendships die out new friendships emerge behind corners. Or other friendships become renewed. This is going to be a rather hippy statement but it is a circle of love - some of the love dies off in one place but picks up in others. We learn about ourselves when a friendship dies - and no, its not particularly pleasant.

It seems to me that if you have to work this hard at maintaining a friendship then its a friendship not worth having. Remember you can choose your friends, unlike your family.

Hagar

She felt abandoned by you when you went traveling without her and can't forgive you for it. That's my read on it, what you can do about it I don't know.

Firetrap

I agree with Hagar. Don't forget either that your travels made changes to both of you. You because you went travelling and your friend because she was left behind without a best pal/shoulder to cry on. I've no idea why she's fallen out with you. Maybe she's jealous. Maybe she's mad that she was left behind. Maybe she just loathes people who go travelling and hates having to listen to their stories. Who knows? The bottom line is that your friendship has gone by the wayside and there's nothing you can do really.

Try not to take things personally. Friendships do fade out sometimes when the people have nothing in common any more. All you can do is to move on from this and not feel like it's your fault.

King of Kings

the same happened me - one of my best mates went away travelling.
when he came back 1 year later i'd moved jobs, bought a house, had a gf who was 5 months pregnant, a whole load of new friends.

initially he felt that i was ignoring him cos i didn't pick up where we had left off.
he said this to his gf who said it to me.
we had been flat mates (as well as mates for a long time) prior to him going away.

I explained clearly that things had moved on in the year he was away.I'd found new things to do and it was a bit much to expect me to just drop everything and go back to the old routine - just cos he was back.

mind we're still good mates just don't hang out as much as before.

so I expect she has found many things to do in your absence and you cannot expect just to slot back into her life cos you have returned.

Without being mean to you - perhaps it is you with the issues not her.

rainbowtrout

annalucia wrote: »

however after coming back from travelling she barely got in touch, she wasnt busy as she worked part time and is in full time education.

To be honest, I was annoyed when I got this far. Your friend is in full time education and works part time, no doubt to give herself money for college and you reckon she's not busy? That's a bit rich. What's she supposed to do? Stop working or stop going to college to make time for you? You did say you thought she was selfish for not getting in touch, it might be time to look a little closer to home.

annalucia wrote: »

I told her I meant what I said but she said Im living in the past and there is people losing jobs and homes and I should get real.

Now there's a good chance that she was a bit jealous when you went travelling, and also perhaps at a bit of a loss that her best friend wasn't around all the time, but she's adjusted to the change and learned to adapt and she's not dependent on you as her sole friend. You can't just expect her to drop everything now that you're back on the scene. Maybe she doesn't want to listen to stories from Australia or Asia or wherever of drunken nights out and days on the beach when she's been working hard and keeping college going as well as a job. Things have gone belly up for a lot of people in the last year in this country and maybe she's just glad to have the job she has. Her priorities have probably changed since last year as I'm sure her experiences in the last 12 months have been vastly different to yours.

annalucia wrote: »

she decides to bitch about me to my olderst friend, who I have known 20 years and are only friends because of me

You don't get to dictate who is friends with whom.



Friendships come and go, and some of them don't survive when friends don't see each other for a long time, it appears that your friend has moved on and doesn't want to be friends with you any longer. You may not like that decision but there probably isn't a whole lot you can do about it. Let her be, if you have friends in common you'll probably see her again, and she may resume the friendship on some level, but just don't expect her to drop everything for you.

annalucia

To be honest, I was annoyed when I got this far. Your friend is in full time education and works part time, no doubt to give herself money for college and you reckon she's not busy? That's a bit rich. What's she supposed to do? Stop working or stop going to college to make time for you? You did say you thought she was selfish for not getting in touch, it might be time to look a little closer to home.

I wopuld like to respond to this mail. I worked part time during college. This girl didnt work during college term just at summer so she was working 15 hours a week during the summer so she had plenty time to be in touch.

I didnt like the way she bitch to my oldest friend about me when I didnt bitch about her, my other friend was in Australia and I didnt want to worry her. We have a 3rd friend who she fell out with for like 5 years and suddenly she is best friends with her. Im just hurt that someone I knew and trust could turn out so malicious. I did loads for her over the years, brought her home drunk on several occasions. I rang her as much as I did my family on Oz, I got the home and away cast to write a bday card for her. Also, I had spent a whole day going through college stuff as she had a repeat in August.

I wasnt insufferable with stories, most people glaze over when I talk of travelling so I choose to just to talk to my travel friends about it.

My issue is that I am finding it hard to trust my current friends, afraid they will abandon me when they are fed up.

Also, we had arranged to meet up on my 1st week back from travelling and I though it was just the 2 of us but she rings ands says she is in the middle of dinner with her boyfriend and was an hour late.

It is hugely hurtful even a year later, I would do anything for people I care for so I cant undertsand this behaviour!

digital_d

I've seen this a few times with my own and other peoples friendships. My best friend went travelling a few years back, and when back kind of expected everything to be as it was before they left. Trouble was for me, life had moved on; my priorities had somewhat changed, I was in a more serious relationship etc.

Trouble was the one that had been traveling, didn't seem to expect that anyones life had moved on while they where gone, they also had a different perpective on things after thier experiences traveling.

Bottom line was we had grown apart while they where traveling, and we where never as good friends again. It's true they say, Friends come and Go!

Das Kitty

King of Kings wrote: »

the same happened me - one of my best mates went away travelling.
when he came back 1 year later i'd moved jobs, bought a house, had a gf who was 5 months pregnant, a whole load of new friends.

initially he felt that i was ignoring him cos i didn't pick up where we had left off.
he said this to his gf who said it to me.
we had been flat mates (as well as mates for a long time) prior to him going away.

I explained clearly that things had moved on in the year he was away.I'd found new things to do and it was a bit much to expect me to just drop everything and go back to the old routine - just cos he was back.

mind we're still good mates just don't hang out as much as before.

so I expect she has found many things to do in your absence and you cannot expect just to slot back into her life cos you have returned.

Without being mean to you - perhaps it is you with the issues not her.

Similar to this with me. A friend of mine went away for 18 months and in the mean time my life had changed, heck I had changed. My life was pretty full. Whilst I wanted to spend time with her, whatever amount wasn't enough. She was over at our house every night (not an exaggeration) and would sit there for 3 or 4 hours, wanted me to go out with her when I had no money or had to study for my finals.

It ended when it was getting a bit obvious that I didn't want to see her as much as she did me, and basically cutting back on seeing each other wasn't an option for her so she cut contact completely.

We nearly met up once the following New Years but my partner's grandmother died suddenly so I spent it with him and his family. She was pissed off and cited the Bros before Hos code on me (was with him for 5 years at this stage, and he was and still is my best friend). I was not impressed so didn't contact her again.

Found her on Facebook and attempted to strike up the friendship again, when I didn't ask her to my wedding (I hadn't seen the girl in 8 years), she deleted me.

Not saying you're like my friend OP, but I know people can get the feeling that everything at home is on hold while they are away, but it's just not the case. I get the feeling that she couldn't provide as much space in her life now for you as she could before, it doesn't mean that she doesn't want to be your friend or not love you (I still love my friend after all these years and miss her). I don't think she should have been bitching though, and I don't think your other friend should have told you she was either, there was no need for it and it's that, in essence, that has you feeling wary.

maxwell smart

OP as said above, this is life!
People change, maybe she has, maybe you have. But either you accept each other for what you are or move on.
Something similar has happened to my wife, her best friend, who she basically brought up has now found a guy, had a baby and they only chat maybe twice a month, such is life!!

shellyboo

When you go travelling you put your own life on hold - you can't expect others to sit about waiting for you to "find yourself" or some such shlte, and expect everything to go back to the way it was before you left. Did you expect her not to make new friends? Not to do other things to fill the time she'd normally spend with you? Or did you just expect her to drop it all when you came back?

You can't expect to be as close to the people you left when you come back, that's unrealistic to say the least.

polyfusion

Speaking as someone who's had similar experiences (yes, plural), I'd say that you both have "issues" (but don't think of the issues as a negativity, as is usually the case; people and circumstances change, as has been pointed out already; it's difficult to avoid this) and given how it's escalated, both better off not persuing the friendship further; it's sounds like you've spent enough energy and given yourself enough grief already as it is.

If you still have other friends close by, then you'd be better off directing your energy into nurturing those friendships. The last thing you want to do is loose touch with whatever/whoever you have right now. Believe me!

annalucia

Ok so I get it.. out of sight out of mind. If that was the case, then I would have none of my friends from before travelling. Loads of my friends had gone travelling over the years and I was delighted to catch up with them when they went home. A year is not a long time, I havent done a whole heap from last year to this year!

I did not go to "find myself" - I already know who I am!!!! like shellyboo said. Its important for people to see other cultures and get out of the narrow mindedness of home, If thats why she isnt talking to me fair enough.

If I had the power of hindsight and I knew what I knew now I would of let the relationship naturally cool like she was like and not forced things but I thought by being honest and not bitching about her, we could see where we stand but she took the appraoch like I was attaching her.

Its very touch coming home broke, trying to piece you lives back together and makes a huge difference if you could be there for someone. Not stop your lives but help them fit back in. Well at least I found out who my real friends where.

It was enlightening to see other peoples point of view! Thanks

Beta Ray Bill

annalucia wrote: »

I had gone traveling for a year from May 07 to May 08 and on returning I found my relationship with my best friend had gone very cool

In the year you were traveling, how often did you contact her?

If the answer is never or very little or 3 or 4 times well then there's your reason.

with the likes of facebook, myspace, bebo, skype, msn IM, googletalk. etc etc etc. the world has become an exceptionally small place and it is easy to now get in contact with anyone anywhere on the planet. My friends are in Laos at the mo and I talk with them nearly every week!

If you did keep contact while you were away well then its probably best to just forget about her. she clearly has issues.

annalucia

I know and she was brilliant at being in touch while I was away, thats why it was so upsetting when I came back. I rang her as much as my family, I sent her loads of postcards. Of all my friends, she was the one I made the effort with.

I was probably closer to her than members of my own family and she knows everything about me. I just dont understand it??

Its been a year anyway and after this I cant be friends with her cos when is the next time she will get odd if we did. The thing is, I dint want my mutual friends to feel uncomfortable and feel like they have to separate us? I know Im rambling but I needed to get it off my chest!

shellyboo

annalucia wrote: »

Ok so I get it.. out of sight out of mind. If that was the case, then I would have none of my friends from before travelling. Loads of my friends had gone travelling over the years and I was delighted to catch up with them when they went home. A year is not a long time, I havent done a whole heap from last year to this year!

Yeah, catching up is one thing... but expecting things to go back to just how they were before is really unrealistic.

annalucia wrote: »

I did not go to "find myself" - I already know who I am!!!! like shellyboo said. Its important for people to see other cultures and get out of the narrow mindedness of home, If thats why she isnt talking to me fair enough.

However, if you're going around with this attitude (not saying you are) then I'm not surprised she doesn't want to talk to you. The narrowmindedness of home? That's awfully patronising.

annalucia wrote: »

Its very touch coming home broke, trying to piece you lives back together and makes a huge difference if you could be there for someone. Not stop your lives but help them fit back in.

Yeah, but you made that choice when you went travelling... you left your life behind. Now she's leaving you behind. It's not nice, for either of you, but that's life really.

You can't please everyone, you can only do what's best for you.

LegacyUser

You ended the friendship yourself. You told her to forget it when she rang to say that she'd be thirty minutes late and you haven't talked to her since. All you had to do was talk to her about how you were feeling (without accusing her of being selfish by the way). If the two of you were such good friends prior to your travels, how come such a silly misunderstanding culminated in the end of a friendship?
If a friend of mine accused me of being selfish when all I was doing was living my life the best way I knew how, there'd be words and I would expect a serious apology. If there was no apology, I really wouldn't think much of that friend and begin to view them as just 'someone I know'. Tough and all, but I would have to decide whether having that person in my life is worth the hassle of being belittled for my choices.

annalucia

The thing is with her, she would barely meet to catch up (unlike when i was away where she made a good effort) and Im not at all patronising. I agree everyone to there own but when you see how certain people live in other countries you apprecite small things in life. I can see you think that people go away for a year are wasters and deserve to come home broke "because its their choice" and none of their own friends to get them back in the social scene and help them get their social life back!

I think from reading the posts I realise its her choice not to get in touch so Im fine with that, its very hurtful.

shellyboo

annalucia wrote: »

The thing is with her, she would barely meet to catch up (unlike when i was away where she made a good effort) and Im not at all patronising. I agree everyone to there own but when you see how certain people live in other countries you apprecite small things in life. I can see you think that people go away for a year are wasters and deserve to come home broke "because its their choice" and none of their own friends to get them back in the social scene and help them get their social life back!

I think from reading the posts I realise its her choice not to get in touch so Im fine with that, its very hurtful.

I don't think they're wasters at all, but yeah, if you go away and spend all your money then you deserve to come home broke. Nobody deserves to lose their friends just because they've been away - but someone who comes home after a year away and throws a tantrum because things aren't just how they left them, they're not being very understanding themselves, are they?


It IS very hurtful when people move on, yeah. But it's also pretty hurtful when people go off travelling and leave you behind because you can't afford to go, or have other responsibilites.

kittenkiller

annalucia wrote: »

I did loads for her over the years, brought her home drunk on several occasions. I rang her as much as I did my family on Oz, I got the home and away cast to write a bday card for her. Also, I had spent a whole day going through college stuff as she had a repeat in August.

Maybe she's just found new riends and hasn't got time for you?
You need to move past what you've done for her.
Friends help each other out when they need it, but it doesn't mean you're forever endebtted to the person!
Maybe she just doesn't like you anymore...
Maybe she's jealous of you heading away for a year...
Maybe she felt abandoned by you when you left....
Maybe she hasn't realised that she misses/ed you...

Unless she has a change of heart, you might never find out, but you need to move on!
Girls bitch and friendships evolve and dissolve.
That's life.

sarhar82

Hi,

Try not to dwell on this, I had a similar experiance with a firend when I moved to Ireland from the UK.

It ended up with me making all the effort with keeping in touch. The last thing that happened was I sent her 2 hand knitted baby jumpers for her kid and she couldn't even be bothered to acknowledge that she received them. That's when I gave up on her.

I think with some people when you move away for a while they just prefer to take the easy option and stick with people who are within their locality and who they have known for a long time.

I don't know maybe she feels jealous that you had a year away, I just don't know there can be many reasons, maybe life has been **** for her the last while and she could have felt abandoned by you and didn't want to tell u while u were travelling in case it casued you to feel bad.

If she has depression and bulimia this would will be making the girl's life very tough. Sometime depressed people turn away the people they are closest to! Maybe she is feeling so low she cant even get out of bed in the morning....who knows...try to talk to her about it.

Remember there are loads of good people out there who would love to have a friend like you

Hope you feel better about this soon