Depression - Female Doctor - Dublin

LegacyUser

***Long story sorry can skip to last paragragh***
I'm a 21yr girl.
I'm been majorly "depressed" for as long as I can remember but around sept, it kicked into overdrive so to speak. I've always was an anxious person, but I would be awake until 2/3 in the morning, worrying about everything/ focusing on the negative things in my life/ occasionally crying. I then began to get anxious during the day stressing over college and socialising.I could not remember simple facts and concentrating was impossible. I cut down on socialising and would take forever to get ready going out, feeling inadequate in whatever I wore. I have always had issues with my weight and appearance {acne} and although this had stopped me from wearing certain things or doing certain things (swimming/formals) I had always remained social and felt ok meeting up with friends.

I failed an exam {module] for the first time at xmas and in Jan things got worse. I broke up with my bf, he cheated with friend and class mate (of mine) I found out at out our annual formal.Most of our friends think that we broke up and he hooked up with her a week later, but they had been together for a couple of months. With his rep as a REALLY nice guy I didn't both telling our friends as I didn't want to be the "scorned ex bitching" to his friends. I got even more depressed, now only getting ~2 hrs sleep a night (if any) spending the rest in tears.

Study was impossible no matter how hard I tried and I had panic attacks nearly everyday, knowing I had to go and have lecs with this girl (very small class also same close friends) I found it really daunting to leave the house feeling like I looked ugly/fat or that everyone was laughing/talking about me behind my back.
Then due to my ex and I sharing the exact same friends I tried to remain civil for their sake. I even had an arguement with a friend over my bday (21) party insisting I invite him. That night he told me he regretted nothing & started going on how great she was and sad/generally negative comments about me. I was shocked I went out with this guy for nearly two years and be4 that we were friends, everyone who knew him was shocked at him cheating.

I convinced myself I had misunderstood him, but over the next few months every time we talked he'd make snide comments about me, little insults but only when we were alone at friends bdays or on msn. He went out with her after we broke up for a short time but due to his (also my) best friends disapproval he ended it. He then texted me blaming me that she no longer talked to him. She cheated on and then left her fiance for him. So every time we talked He'd insult me and paint her as the victim and how it was all of my fault. As we all share close friends I talked to everyone and said I didn't want ppl taking sides everything would remain as normal as possible.

Needless to say my college work ended up in the toilet. I missed ~5 weeks of college due to physical illness (kidney/tummy/eye infections) I felt like I was falling apart. I went to the doc but never mentioned my feelings, after some antibodies my doc told me I was "exceptionally healthy".

I guess I am coming to my problem (albeit in a VERY long winded way sorry) I was involved in the structure of my uni and usually am the one helping student access help. But when it was me I just couldn't. I know the S.A., Although she was just new. And if it had been one of my friends I would have known exactly what to do talk to someone asap. But due to the fact I've always been the person who never needed help I felt embarrassed/ashamed to admit I was cracking. I mean there was nothing wrong, no one died/ no seriously ill/ no family issues. I felt guilty for feeling sad. I felt like people would assume I was falling to pieces aver a man. I can't even blame the ex/break-up I was stupid enough to fall for his lies. And I was already cracking beforehand. I told everyone I was fine, friends, professors, family. They all knew I had missed time due to being sick but all assumed as usual I'd still get good grades. Due to me being me they believed me.

At exams I was an anxious wreck throwing up/ panic attacks not sleeping crying during the day in public. Whenever I saw friends I was able to fake being relaxed/confident and usual joking self. I cried more in the library than studied! I had a panic attack so severely I had a very bad nose bleed before one exam, but as I have them anyway I was able to brush it off and took the exam covered in blood.

After exams I cut all contact with friends, I had known previously that if my ex and I couldn't be civil we couldn't share friends. As it's a big group organising nights with him and nights with me wouldn't work. Up until then I attended friends bdays but due to his sly remarks/insults simply going and ignoring him stopped working. I was a bundle of nerves by the time I was in a social situation and with his antics I would crack crying in the taxi home. Again I pretended I was fine and comfortable, he always managed to be so polite if other ppl were there acting like the perfect friend/ex, which added to the feeling that I was losing my mind.

So here I am, screwed for college, during exams and everyday after I planned to go to the s.a. explain my situation and try to organise resiting the yr, (not technically allowed due to it being 3rd yr). And everyday I'd become too anxious to even leave the house. I failed to get a summer, and I find it exceptionally stressful to leave my house and cry when I do. Going up to over a week without leaving it, when I do it's strictly for family matters.

My results were released but I haven't being able to check(I know I failed) but I can't ignore anything anymore, my family have noticed/commented on my sleeping habits/lack of social life. I dread telling them I've screwed up uni. I know I've to go to a doc and try to sort this mess out I can't believe I had everything and ****ed it up for no reason. I didn't sleep at all last night, the max I get is an hour now usually after wearing myself out crying. I find it difficult to admit I need help but as I've covered it up and managed to fake being ok I feel the uni won't believe me and my family will regard it as a cop out for failing. I'm crying alot, still managing to hide it from my family, and have begun to lighty self harm. I've always had a bad relationship with food and I binge and abstain now probably more than ever.

***THE POINT OF THE POST***
So LONG -ASS story short I need a Doc, female to go to and make the crazy crying lady in my head shut up. I don't want to go to my family doc as I'm embarrssed and ashamed. Hell I avoid/ ignore friends as I'm terrifed to one question, how are you?, I can not explain how scary that question is and I honestly never have answered it honestly. I always smile and say great and I can't bring myself to lie anymore. The doc needs to be in city centre/north dub (preferably along/around the malahide road, if that makes sense,)

**************************THANK YOU********************************

mikewest

Go to your family GP as it may be most convienent. He/She can't tell other members of your family what you are being treated for. If you don't feel like explaining just bring a printout of this post and ask your GP to read it. You have basically diagnosed your symptoms yourself but there may be other underlying medical problems as well and as such your family GP may be better able to help knowing your medical history. Make the appointment this afternoon and if any of you family asks why you are going to the doc just say a "female problem" and you don't want to discuss it. This stops nosiness in most families.
There is nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed of if you are suffering depression and it is a medical condition that respondes very well to treatment. You may need medication for a while but then again wouldn't you need medication for tonsilitis or an ear infection. You may only need prescription medication for a few weeks to reset your system to normal or you may need them for longer to allow your body to heal. Either way chin up and make that call. Its amazing how things change once the depression lifts

Edit meant to say if you really can't face your family GP just pick the next one along and considering your age pick a younger one maybe. (BTW male docs can make good listeners also)

Fugly

I understand it's a medical condition and I do have friends who have it. I suppose thats why I'm being harder on myself, I know better than to let things slide to this level. They dealt with it like adults. Everyone i know who had/s it, had exceptional circumstances in their lives and/or sought help quickly. I kind of feel I'm sitting at home like a child throwing a pity party for myself and that I don't have depression.
Also my doctor is male, making me feel uncomfortable. A very nice man, I get on well with him, but I kind of know that as some as he asks how I am, I'll just kick into mode and play it down.

LegacyUser

Fugly wrote: »

.
Also my doctor is male, making me feel uncomfortable. A very nice man, I get on well with him, but I kind of know that as some as he asks how I am, I'll just kick into mode and play it down.

If you think you won't talk honestly to your doctor when he asks how you are, an idea might be to write your feelings down in the form of a letter or diary and bring that with you so he can read it. You can explain to him why you've done that. Even just print out the post you wrote above and bring that.

LegacyUser

Are your friends not worried? Maybe they would like to talk to you, I would think it was weird if my friend suddenly stopped talking to me after crying in the library!

Dr. Carol Mooney in Malahide is v good. If you're worried you'll clam up, write a bullet point list of your symptoms and bring it and mention all of them or give her the list. Once you get a diagnosis the university will have to listen. If you were good every other year and have a medical opinion they'll let you do your finals again, or at least let you repeat the exams and get a pass. If they weren't your finals they would be even easier on you.

Carsinian Thau

As an above poster said, please print out your first post and bring it to your doctor. Go to a female doctor if that will help you, but it really is very important that you do so.

The college thing can be fixed after the medical matters have been cleared up.

And you should try and go back to your friends. Tell just a few of the closer ones to you and allow them to help you ease back into the social structure. You need to avoid your ex (who sounds like an incredibly vile person tbh) and these friends could help you do so.

Good luck OP.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all feedback!

Yes I know they can't tell anyone. It's more due to the fact that it's someone I have a history with and wouldn't like to "lose face" if that makes sense.

Thinking I'll print my post or write out a bullet point list. Cheers.

Well I don't think they knew to be fair. I had an eye infection at the end of the year so my eyes were red/puffy alot. One girl did see me looking upset, but I brushed it off as tired/infection. Some ppl have texted but I just ignored their texts. Which makes me feel like a complete b*tch.
The last time I saw them was at exams or a few days later at a friends bday. I got drunk 2nd time ever and left early as everyone else was occupied or very sober.

It's science so not final yr but a certain grade is req'd to get into 4th yr and repeating 3rd yr is damn near impossible.I just feel guilty going to them so late into this.

Thanks Carsinian Thau. I will go to the dr with my list, I really hope I won't be their first patient with a list. Getting back to my friends ..............that I'm not sure if I ever will. They're great ppl, but my ex is very much part of the package.
All of my friends are best friends with him. At the break-up it was made clear him/her nights weren't an option.
I never got around to doing the sit down chat and dissection of the relationship thing with my best friend as everytime I went to her apartment, I mean every time for 2 months he was there! He and the girl he cheated with told my bf b4 me and she got mad threw them out but she forgave him and they became very close, it was him she confided in about her new bf. He also met a new friend of mine, that I know through this best friend, and became so close they spent everyday hanging out. In fact his friends believed they were a couple at one point, most believe something happened.

It's sooo annoying as He'll always be the saint, the nice sweet non threatening guy friend to my friends. He already has a fecking million female friends already , that have nothing to do with me but no it has to be the only friends I've got!! I've tried telling my friends about how he acts to me, but most say I don't want to get in the middle of it, {which I don't want to put them in} but then guilt me about having to move on so I can attend social occasions with me.

Hi best mate has texted me a few times about nights out/trips away. But not only would the whole "how are you?" question freak me out but trying to explain why I can't be part of that group any more would be well....impossible.

Also one girl texted me in a rather pissed off mood as I hadn't contacted her since college ended. I was afraid ppl would be pissed off but now knowing some definitely are compounded with the ex issue just makes me think I better to ignore the texts and try and sort myself out and find a new social group. ......


Sorry for the long post again. ..One day I will post a short post.

LegacyUser

I recommended carol Mooney in a previous post.

Maybe a fresh start isn't a bad idea. College doesn't start til nearly October in most places so you'll have plenty of time to sort stuff out. I know ppl who repeated 3rd year and got into 4th year. These things are not set in stone.

Meanwhile, if you have a tendency to get depressed, you have to work on it a bit. Make yourself do things you enjoy. Go for walks. Listen to music. My mam is a social worker and she has to "work on" staying happy because things wear her down so much too.

Br4tPr1nc3

well theres doctor barry teeling on the malahide road, just beside apache pizza.
and then theres doctor heinz just a it up the road from that, beside thorndale estate.(im not sure if hes still there)

im sure if you talk to one of them they could help you somehow.

but in my opinion i think you should find someone to talk to, as in a regular person. maybe get a fresh perspective on some of your problems.
i always find i feel better after just saying my problems out loud to someone else.
even before they reply.

thebigbrie

Like you i have suffered from depression and anxiety for most of my life and have always found it easier to strike up a rapport with women doctors.I think its important you stay intouch with your friends,I left school early due to a combination of depression and anxiety over exams and lost contact with all of my friends.Once you fall out of the loop of life it can be very difficult to get back on.Exams are not the be all and end all the most important thing is that you feel better within yourself.Your only 21 you have plenty of time to complete your education.

LegacyUser

Just on the point of college results, check them as at least you can make a plan for yourself if you have failed them over summer and it will take your mind off other things. If you have failed them you might be late applying for repeats like I know in my college it has already passed and you have to pay an extra €100 on top of the fee for repeats for being late. If you don't look at them and thus don't repeat them in August do you really want to repeating 3rd year in September and paying a few grand to do so?

I am also 21, going into my final year of Science in September and I didn't do that great but I now I know I have to really well next year to get the grade I want for my degree. Even if you scrap a pass and get into 4th year it might be the case in your college (it is in NUIM anyway) that they will take 30% of 3rd year and 70% of final year OR 100% on final year.

Sure in first year I repeated 7 exams in August and somehow im now going into final year.