How do you stop caring about someone who doesn't want you to care about them?

allandanyways

Apologies for the length of the post

My sister is 17, she's just done her leaving cert and she has some form of an eating disorder. It tips between anorexia and bulimia, mainly bulimia since her leaving cert has finished and she cant use studying as an excuse to avoid dinner anymore.

I've posted about this before so frequent posters might remember that I did invade her privacy and found text messages from a "thinspo-friend" on her phone helping her to count calories as well as an a4 pad with all her weights and calories consumed as well as pictures of famous celebrities with eating disorders like Marilyn Monroe (who was bulimic) MK Olsen and Lindsay Lohan... these all confirmed what I already knew, given that she eats only at certain times of the day, and never eats anything over 100 cals in one go.
She refuses to eat anything that doesnt have a nutrition label on it and does a number of little things that I've noticed on ana/mia websites like snapping elastic bands against your wrist, drinking a pint of water straight after a meal (supposedly brings the food back up faster) and eating "purge friendly" foods like ice-cream and marshmallows before disappearing to the bathroom. She gets up in the middle of the night, at 1 and 3am religiously to purge, I hear her as I don't sleep that well.

Anyway this has been going on since she got her laptop in March, she never had a problem with food before this and was happy and normal weight. Now I'd estimate she weighs somewhere between 7st 9 and 8st, she's 5ft 6. Her boobs have competley deflated and her hip and collarbones stick out. She looks disgusting and her skin and lips have gone to shít from puking all the time. It couldn't be more obvious that she has an eating disorder yet my mother refuses to believe anything I say and goes mental whenever I mention that sister clearly has a problem with food. Mam is very narrow minded and if she doesn't want something to be wrong, then nothing's wrong, same goes for my depression.

I confronted my sister on several occasions, sometimes angry, sometimes in tears and sometimes in desperation to get her to admit that she has a problem and needs help, but she insists she's fine and doesn't have a problem. She doesn't want anybody's help and yet I can't seem to stop myself worrying about her. I've sat up the last two nights and cried my eyes out, worried that she could possibly kill herself from what she's doing (oesphagal tears, heart failure induced by electrolyte imbalance, stomach tears etc) and she honestly refuses to admit she needs help so I need to ask, how do I stop worrying about her?

I'm already depressed enough as it is without this dragging me down and any of my friends that I've asked say to just leave her and let her come to her own senses. I'm watching my little sister kill herself because "nothing tastes as good as thin feels", and she doesn't care what this is doing to me. I don't want to care anymore because evidently she is so selfish that she doesn't WANT anyone to care about her, and just let her life her life (she's said as much during one confrontation).

I don't even know what I want posters to say, but any comments/advice on this very long post would be appreciated.

LegacyUser

Your sister is lucky that you do care about her. Do you all share the same family doctor? If so, could you discuss the problem with them? They might be able to call to the house & talk to your mum & sister. If you have your own doctor, talk to them anyway as they will be able to offer some suggestions on how to deal with this. Best of luck.

VaioCruiser

Sweetheart. You can never ever stop caring.

You need help. You need your parents help and some professional help. And I believe you need it fast.

allandanyways

VaioCruiser, I probably wasn't clear enough in my post- I've already addressed the issue of her eating disorder several times with both her and my mother (dad has enough probs of his own to be dealing with) and because she flat out denies she has a problem and my mam believes her, she won't get help. Mam is the only person that could make her do something about it and even at that, she'd probably lie and say she was better, she's become such an expert at lying at the last few months (or so she thinks).

My point here is that my mum cant see that anything's wrong, I seem to be the only one who gives a **** about what she's doing to herself and I'm making myself sick worrying about her when she doesn't want help. I want to be able to stop worrying about her. And I don't know what I expect posters to say, give me some personal experience, do teenage girls get over these ED phases without family intervention?

So upset and so down at the moment, and I know I wouldn't feel as bad if I could just get her and what she's doing off my mind.

Astrogeek

Bodywhys
Eating Disorder Association of Ireland
We provide support, information and advocacy for people affected by eating disorders.

Helpline: Locall 1890 200 444
(Monday & Wednesday 7.30pm - 9.30pm)
(Tuesday & Friday 12.30pm - 2.30pm)
(Thursday 10am - 12 midday)

Email: info@bodywhys.ie
Email Support: alex@bodywhys.ie
Website: www.bodywhys.ie

I got this off RTE radio 1 website. I hope they can give you some advice that helps.

VaioCruiser

allandanyways wrote: »

VaioCruiser, I probably wasn't clear enough in my post- I've already addressed the issue of her eating disorder several times with both her and my mother (dad has enough probs of his own to be dealing with) and because she flat out denies she has a problem and my mam believes her, she won't get help. Mam is the only person that could make her do something about it and even at that, she'd probably lie and say she was better, she's become such an expert at lying at the last few months (or so she thinks).

My point here is that my mum cant see that anything's wrong, I seem to be the only one who gives a **** about what she's doing to herself and I'm making myself sick worrying about her when she doesn't want help. I want to be able to stop worrying about her. And I don't know what I expect posters to say, give me some personal experience, do teenage girls get over these ED phases without family intervention?

So upset and so down at the moment, and I know I wouldn't feel as bad if I could just get her and what she's doing off my mind.

I am really sorry OP.... I understand now. I really don't think people here can help much, even though I know you want help badly. This is a very special area and a potentially very dangerous area.... I really think you need to talk to the experts... like the above post. Really. Don't be afraid to approach them. I am sure they have experienced this situation before. I know you love your sister. I hope you get some real help.

banky

maybe u could show your mam the history on her laptop show her the kind of sites she has been looking up??

sunnyside

I don't know how to advise you on this but I just want to add: There are loads of people with eating disorders/other problems that are completely secret from everybody else. Because you know about the situation you can monitor it even from a distance and that in itself helps.

It's generally impossible to help people who don't want to be helped.

Miacc

banky wrote: »

maybe u could show your mam the history on her laptop show her the kind of sites she has been looking up??

This is a good point. Hi op, evidence like this, and if there is any other evidence you can gather - to approach your mother while your sister is not home and try to snap her out of her denial. Please do contact bodywhys for their advice or talk to someone like your gp with your concerns ASWELL as the first plan of action (they may even talk to your mother if she's at the point by then when she realises she has to listen). it sounds like you are handling this all by yourself, you shouldnt be. Call in help. You obviously care a lot for your sister and she's lucky to have you. you have tried to approach her directly. Call in help-I understand that this might not be well received but it's not worth the risk of not calling in other help for this. Years down the line, with the right support your sister may be thanking you. Best of luck.