How to deal with a convincing liar

LegacyUser

Hi folks

How do you deal with the frustration of dealing with a very convincing liar, after all I believed his lies for three years.

Short story, 3 year old son accuses his dad of sexual abuse, graphically in a way that no 3 year old could possible know the words let alone the things that were done to him.

Followed the correct channels, social workers etc plus criminal inquiry.

Social works interviewed the dad and of course his charming nature and smart dress/looks appear to have charned the pants of them.

Now its me against the hse to protect my son and it seems he can do no wrong.

He has lied to our gp (we both still have the same one) but I was told what was said and when I corrected the information, the words of the gp were he is a very convincing liar.

He has lied all the way through court (not the criminal inquiry, that has yet to be completed) , but luckily this time he got his comeuppance he got caught committing perjury and his solicitor apologised to me for accusing me of being malicious and metally unstable!!

I can just feel it, he is going to worm his way out of the accusations and my child is going to be left at risk of the same happening to him again and I find that impossible to deal with.

I know in my heart and soul my child has been abused, since last Oct the child has not been able to use the toilet for a poo without screaming in terror for a couple of hours before hand before actually soiling himself.

This embarrasses him and whilst its hard to deal with I feel nothing but anger and hatred towards the father for reducing my child to this level.

Anyone any suggestions as to how to deal with the fact he will convince the HSE he is all pureness and light as like I said I lived with him and if he said black was white I would have believed him.

I fear for my son

LegacyUser

I just wanted to say I think you are amazing for sticking by your son. It must have been unbelievably hard to believe the man you love and father of your child could have done this and it wound have been so much easier to stick your head in the sand and convince yourself nothing happened.

The difference between me and your son is that I never spoke up, and I have repressed a lot of the memories which is making starting councilling finally, decades later, really really difficult.

I blame my mother for not being like you, its unfair to her yes probably but family members raised questions and she did nothing so I blame her.

Your post really struck a chord with me as I can relate to your sons issues. I can't offer any advice on the father im afraid, but I couldn't read and not post commending you. Your son is very lucky to have such a wonderful mother.

Has your son been attending councilling himself?

LegacyUser

My heart goes out to you, when I saw and still see the affect it is having on my child I wouild kill before I let it continue.

You are a very brave person and I know you probably love your mother but you should have come first, I dont care about any back lash from his family and there has been plenty nor do I care what anybody thinks.

I have told family and friends just as way of explanation of why my son is behaving as he is but I wont allow them to treat him any differently, he has done nothing wrong and I will instill this belief in him till the day I die.

As for counselling, unfortunately he is doing it publically and that means an 18 month waiting list but in the mean time he is doing play therapy and a safe touching programme which means he is dealing with it pretty well.

I think he age is on his side too, in one way its fortunate that small kids have a short memory and are very forgiving.

My son asks to see his Dad now because "daddy doesnt hurt me anymore"

The most unfortunate part of all this is the fact that the HSE and Im speaking from experience is on the abusers side.

Unless the child is willing to go into a room with a total stranger and tell all then no action is taken

More worrying statistics are the fact that the child assessment units where they do the recording of the childs accusations and the physical exam dont take kids under 4 in my opinion that reeks of giving permission to an abuser to do as they wish as the child is too young for examination.

Also even if the child is confident enough to tell the truth,their testimony is not
admissable in court until they are 9 and over.

Oh and the worst of all, they take people at face value, lies and all.

Irelands laws leave any child wide open to abuse and needs a kick up the ass!

lynsalot

This might sound like a stupid idea... but would he admit it to you? That he did those terrible terrible things. It makes me sick to think a father could do to his child. He deserves to be locked up and fair play to you for taking action. you are so so brave. You are doing the right thing.


I wonder if u can get him to admit it to you, could u tape him confessing? That would stand up in court. Or someone else he would talk to? how could he be acquitted after hearing a story like that from a 3 year old child? A child couldn't make that up and even if he did make it up he'd be pretty easy to break under pressure. How could a court ignore this kind of thing - I hope he gets locked away and shamed on the sex register. It's absolutely disgusting it really is

LegacyUser

OP, thats horrific that the system is flawed like that, and heartbreaking to hear he's asking to see his dad.

In case you don't have these already maybe they can help:

http://oneinfour.org/
http://drcc.ie/
http://www.cari.ie/

LegacyUser

You thought you knew him, unfortunately he irreversibly abused that trust so think of him as a complete stranger whom you've never met before. Would it be possible to get as much information as you can about him ie from work colleagues etc? The veneer has to crack sometime, and surely other people who know him too have stories to tell? If people start having doubts about him, it'll make it harder for him to keep the pretence up (I'm not saying to go around slandering him, but you have every right to question other people who know him). Gather as much information about him as you can, even google him. It sounds as if he thinks he hasn't done anything wrong and will continue to protect himself at all costs.

You're a strong woman, and you and your son are very lucky to have each other.

McCrack

To give a more rounded answer you would need to give more information.

Have you sought the advices of a family law solicitor yourself?

The status of your relationship with the childs father is important. Are you both married? If not has he guardianship of the child? These would have a bearing on his rights because as this point in time he hasnt been convicted of the allegations so technically he is viewed innocient.

Is there any medical/forensic evidence to corroraborate the allegations?
Again these will have a bearing on the States case when prosecuting him which you say will happen.

With a trial coming up I'd strongly recommend you contact a familiy law solicitor and other professional help for yourself and child (if you havent already done so).

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your replies and suggestions.

I have taped my child he can be seen on the video where he talks about one incident where his daddy and his new girlfriend took my child into the bath with them and hurt him. He says daddy laughed and wouldnt let him out.

I also (and I hate doing it) videod him screaming uncontrollably because he needed to do a poo but daddy hurt his bum and he is afraid.

I showed them to the HSE and my solicitor and guess what it cant be used because I could have encouraged him to say it!!

It is horrific.

We were not married but when we split up almost three years ago I did allow the judge to award joint guardanship as I believed his son had every right to spend as much time with his dad as me.

As for him slipping up, this is the hardest part to swallow, his dad's sister is seriously screwed up and her way of explanation was that she was abused by a member of her family when she was a child and that she has to look at her abuser every day and smile like it never happened.

When we went to court originally my son's dad had a "statement" from a girl who his sister had told denying this and saying it was her was abused.

I have since spoken to this girl and she went nuts, she never wrote that and its 100% untrue.

I informed the HSE of this and guess what, its irrelevant.