Should I just give up on him???

Kerry1234

Hi,

This is the first time ive ever joined anything like this never mind post sumat on it! I just really need advice badly. Go easy on me please :-)

Anyways I have a bit of a dilemma going on at the mo with my ex. We've kinda been split up for the last 2 months but during that time we've been meeting up and sleeping together, usually after a night out and texting constantly which just turns into major fights. I would go crazy if he went off with someone even tho we're not 2getr properly anymore and he would do the same. As you can imagine, my head is wrecked constantly and im scared im going to end up very depressed over the whole situation.

This could take awhile... I had been going out with him for over 2 and a half years, i moved from the UK to be with him here in Ireland and I've settled in brilliantly almost as if i've always been here. I have family here too which helps. We were mad in love, I mean 100% completely head over heels. We'd spend all our time 2getr, it just felt right, i was convinced and still am that he's the one.

Anyway our relationship has always been a turbulent one and we have been on and off the whole time mainly because drink is involved and we both can be a little jealous and paranoid. I am quite insecure also and questioned his love for me all the time, anyways during a particular rough time, one of his friends that we would hang out with every weekend, himself and I got quite close, I enjoyed the attention he gave me, I wished it was my boyf that gave me the attention but things were strained between us and that brought me closer to this other lad. I would meet with him in secret, he would promise me that he would take care of me and treat me like a princess and how he was madly in love with me and I believed him and still do but I wrongly thought that the grass was greener on the other side and it wasnt.

To cut a long story short, my ex found out and was made to look like a fool infront of all his friends, i begged his forgiveness and he took me back after a month or two, we tried to make a go of things again and we moved in 2getr, things were going great and it felt like we were back to our old selves again but my insecurities came out and i started to get paranoid and i would check his phone and when i did, i saw that he had been texting other girls, i dont know what was said but it had been going on around the time we'd split and still was. He said he just needed a confidence boost after everything and it meant nothin. I believed him again but there was still a weird atmosphere between us, I still had the other lad chasing me and begging me to be with him and I didnt feel loved by my ex at all, he seemed distant with me, he'd gone off sex, he'd be sneaky with his phone, he'd never want to spend time with me and I just felt like his feelings tiowards me had changed.

One night, I got a text from the other lad telling me he had heard that my ex was saying to someone that he was with me but didnt want to be and didnt know how to tell me. I confronted my ex about it and he never really denied it, he said he was drunk and couldnt rembr saying it, I felt like I was being a burden to him and so i finished things for good. He moved out and now I feel so alone, I want him back and he says he loves me but sumat is missing but he doesnt want to call it quits for good, he says he doesnt know what he wants, he cant get past the fact I cheated, he says he doesnt trust me and i dont with him cos I know he's been with other people but I love him so much, I cry everyday without him. In the last 2 months, he's been going out non stop drinking and i know he's met a couple of girls in this time but nothing serious, he has started to come to me looking for sex and then leaving me feeling used, he talks down to me and is generally treating me really bad, he says he wants to make a go of things but doesnt bother putting the effort in. Its like he wants me to keep hanging around waiting for him while he has his fun but i cant handle it and i dont want to leave, i feel like I should put up with his rubbish cos I treated him bad in the 1st place.

I know people will say call it quits but we both feel we're supposed to be 2getr and i know he loves me or he would just tell me its finsihed for good but he wont and ive even begged him to do it just to put me outta my misery but he refuses to give up on us but still wont give things another go.

Im so so sorry for this massive thread but as you can see my head is so wrecked just now, i dont know what to do. Another thing too is im pregnant, 5 weeks or so and my ex knows and says he'll stand by me whatever but is more inclined for me to get an abortion, i dont want to but i cant bring a baby into this, i cant afford a baby either but at same time, i want it but im booked in to go to the UK next week to see a clinic... i feel awful.

Please help and tell me what to do..

messygirl

No offence but break ups are hard to deal with and hanging around your ex and having sex with him is not going to help you move on which you should. You don't make it very clear if you actually cheated on your boyfriend with his friend, but you say your ex is jealous and he is hardly going to get over something like this. When the trust is gone it's hard to get back and especially if ye are jealous and paranoid. You just have to stay away from him, and just say no to him coming over.

Regarding losing interest in sex, if you did cheat on your boyfriend that is natural. If my boyfriend cheated on me and we got back together I would always be thinking "was she better than me" "oh god he did that to another girl too"

Not being crude but why would he say its over when if he does he can come around to yours and have sex with you, leave and then chase other women? String free sex with someone he knows will agree and he doesnt have to do anything?! Frankly even if ye do get back together ye will always be going over this incident. Get the girls over, tell him you accept that he cant trust you so you are ending it and then go out and have a good night and leave your phone at home or with someone so you cant text him. You mortified him in front of his friends and had an emotional thing (it seems? open to corrections) with his friend so there is no going back, that is fairly unforgivable for a bloke (again open to corrections but if ye got back together and it happened again then he would always be the bloke who got shafted twice by the same girl). I wouldn't hook up with the friend either, that could get very messy! Your ex and your current bloke friends comparing stories, it would be torture!

Best of luck anyway with any future relationships, they can be a bit*h to get over but your next one could be with the man of your dreams, someone who is perfect for you!

komodosp

If my boyfriend cheated on me and we got back together I would always be thinking "was she better than me" "oh god he did that to another girl too"

You could say that about a previous girlfriend too though....

It's a difficult one since there's a baby on the way... Otherwise I would say leave him and get over him... Seems like there's a lot of drink involved, and he comes around when he wants some sex but is keeping you (Kerry) on hold.

This is the main paragraph (other than the pregnancy thing)

In the last 2 months, he's been going out non stop drinking and i know he's met a couple of girls in this time but nothing serious, he has started to come to me looking for sex and then leaving me feeling used, he talks down to me and is generally treating me really bad, he says he wants to make a go of things but doesnt bother putting the effort in. Its like he wants me to keep hanging around waiting for him while he has his fun but i cant handle it and i dont want to leave, i feel like I should put up with his rubbish cos I treated him bad in the 1st place.

He says he wants to make a go of things - he is either saying this because he does want to make a go of things, but just doesn't feel motivated enough, or he's saying it because he thinks it's what you want to hear. Either way I wouldn't believe it.

Also your guilt seems to be empowering him - you always feel obliged to give him another chance after what you did, so you take his mistreatment - he senses this and so doesn't feel the need to treat you well.

The fact that you're pregnant adds a twist to the situation. It makes it a lot harder for you to leave him, and might make you feel a bit dependant on him. This makes him even less motivated to treat you well.

I can't see any reason for you to stay with him romantically though. As much as he says he wants to make a go of it, going by what you said, I don't believe him.

LegacyUser

i am sorry to hear how hurt you are..I know it must be difficult.

Unfortunately, i think, when you love someone and something gets broken in the relationship, either cheating or else, it is really hard to fix and sometimes a light switch off for of the the people who got involved. By that i means the feelings change.
I think he probably think he still loves you but the way he is acting, regadless of the fact it cames from you and cheating, shows how little respect he has for you now and that is not sign of love.

The fact also that he calls over after drinking is unfortunately a typical "ex" pattern, you are familiar, hes out drinking, probably had no go with any girls so he calls you cos he know you are weak and willing...imsorry it is not probably what you want to hear but i think this relationship is obviously over and the best for you would be to cut contact and move on for your sake, being pregnant is not making it better and you going to need ot care for yourself either if you keep the baby or not.

Im assuming you are both young and you will have plenty of years ahead to meet someone who will treat you like you want without having to play games.
I agree with the post above, I think he says things he thinks you wanna hear to get what he wants out of you, its typical from an ex, but stop falling for it, it is gonna be hard, and you will be crying more, its natural and im affraid theres no other way, you need to ride through the storm..but it wont last and you will find yourself feeling better and better and most importantly stronger after all this.
Most people fee lthe need ot jump into something else really fast to "so called move on faster" there is no easy way to get over an ex, we need to go through the pain in order to get over it, for you to get with someone like his friend or something wouldnt help, it would be a quick fix, you will feel btter temporary but the feeling of pain fro mthe breakup will come back again sooner or later. thats how it goes....

So, let the pain pass by, get yourself busy, see your friends or do things outside, see movies,,etc..go back to england if you need to and time will heal you...

It is probably not what you wanted to hear but it never is for anyone with a broken heart.

be strong and good luck

messygirl

I'm very much pro0choice but the only thing is if you get bullied into having an abortion (and it sounds like you are getting pressure from himself) then you will regret it. It has to be your decision. If he wants you to have an abortion there is a strong likelihood you might be doing it alone. It's easy for him to say "I'll stand by you" but when it comes to buying diapers taking care of the baby he might change his mind (saying that I have known a guy who when he broke up with his girlf then found out she was pregnant and he is a GREAT dad). Have the abortion if YOU want it, but read up on it first and the aftereffects and other people's experiences. Once you do it you can't take it back so make sure no-one else is in on this decision. (not trying to make it harder but just a warning)