Am I right to be pissed off?

LegacyUser

It was my birthday nearly 2 weeks ago, and my boyfriend of 9 months didn't get me a present. Literally nothing at all, all I got was a happy birthday text. The more I think about it, the more annoyed I get - I always put a lot of effort into other peoples presents, and he knows this. I got really nice presents from my family and friends, and I sort of brought them up around him the day after to see if he'd say something like "oh about your birthday present, I haven't got around to buying it yet but it's on the way", but he didn't say anything.

I feel awkward bringing it up, I don't want to come across as this demanding girlfriend going "buy me presents!", but I'm too annoyed to just let it go. The thing is, I didn't even want some amazing gift; I love getting really nice, expensive presents and like buying them for other people, but I would have loved even something inexpensive that he'd put a lot of thought into. I know he's not exactly rolling in money at the moment, but he goes out at night and is going interrailing in a couple of weeks, so he can obviously afford that.

He's not big into present buying; when it's his friends' birthdays he usually just buys them a drink or whatever, but I'm his girlfriend ffs. He's a good boyfriend in other ways, this has just left me feeling kind of hurt. Am I right to feel like this? All my friends boyfriends buy them really nice presents, like holidays and phones and ipods and stuff, I thought that was what most guys did but maybe my perspective is just warped?

kelle

Is your boyfriend the mean type? When you go out, does he always pay his way? The only money he spent on your birthday was on that text, and that was probably a free text. Like you said, you didn't even want an expenive gift- all he had to do was visit a gift shop and ask for assistance, or take you somewhere you would like that didn't cost the earth.

I'm sorry, I know you say he's a good boyfriend but it sounds like he thinks a lot more of his mates than he does of you. At least they get a drink on their birthdays. And you're only with him 9 months, that's supposed to be the honeymoon period! If he thinks that little of you now, you'll feel very neglected as time progresses.

Years ago, I dated a guy for 10 months. I actually told him twice when my birthday was, yet he didn't bother to write it down or remember it because he had no knowledge of it on the day. I knew that was the end (there were a lot of other faults, but that was the straw that broke the camel's back).

Not long after, I met a wonderful man and married him. He never forgets my birthdays, we always do something like go out for a meal or he'll buy me some small present like a little box of After eights. It doesn't take much, or have to cost much.

It's up to you what you decide to do, but I feel you deserve better and there are much nicer and more thoughtful guys out there.

vibrant

Unregistered wrote: »

I know he's not exactly rolling in money at the moment, but he goes out at night and is going interrailing in a couple of weeks, so he can obviously afford that.

He's just not into birthdays or buying presents. He's saving his money for his holiday, no harm in that. Don't bring this up with him as you will look totally greedy ("all my friends' boyfriends buy them ipods and holidays!"). Just move on!

Micamaca

I think he should have got you something small to mark the occasion. That doesn't take much and it shows he was thinking of you.

Sounds like a skinflint! Reminds me of a guy my friend dated and she went to the cinema with him, bought popcorn and a drink for both of them while he went off to buy ice-cream...just for him! She was raging! He was dubbed Magnum man after that and was ne'er seen again!

Sure he could be saving money for his trip, but as someone else pointed out...his friends get at least a drink. A text message is not a gift! Even a box of After Eights would have done it. But nothing? Bet he'll be expecting a nice pressie on his birthday though...:D

kelle

vibrant wrote: »

He's just not into birthdays or buying presents.

Except when it's his mates birthdays!

vibrant

kelle wrote: »

Except when it's his mates birthdays!

The last thing the OP should do is say this to the boyfriend.

Terodil

vibrant wrote: »

He's just not into birthdays or buying presents. He's saving his money for his holiday, no harm in that. Don't bring this up with him as you will look totally greedy ("all my friends' boyfriends buy them ipods and holidays!"). Just move on!

Relationships aren't only about yourself, they're about you and your partner. The bf in question failed phenomenally at 'empathy', one of the keys to any relationship. It doesn't bode well.

Besides, tbh, I would doubt the personality of any people who didn't enjoy giving presents to loved ones.

squonk

He could have even stumped up for a card, a text ffs! Even something small like a voucher would have been appreciated by the OP it sounds like. A tenner isn't going to stop him from interrailing and he's probably spent that on nights out between then and now anyway. He sounds fairly selfish and self-centered to me. I'd say move on and find someone who values you a lot more. If he doesn't bother with your birthday now after only 9 months, it's hardly going to improve once the honeymoon is over. Plenty of decent, thoughtful guys out there. You don't need this.

Baraboo

The fact that he sent a text means he knew the day and knew that something was expected of him. The fact that he thought he could get away with a text means either he is ready to move on or you should be. It might be in his mind that his holiday spending is more important than even a small inexpensive but thoughtful gift. This is indicative of what he thinks of you.

b3t4

Can you not just say this to him?

In my opinion, it's a perfectly resonable thing to be annoyed about.

My birthday is a big deal for me so I expect my partner to make a big deal about it as well. I know this and he knows this and it keeps both of us happy.

The guy isn't a mind reader.

I'm sure when you open up the lines of communication he'll more than likely have some reasonable explanation. If he doesn't then you're going out with a muppet and should trade him in.

barbiegirl

I'm not a fan of the dump him brigade that is often on here, but in this case I have to say I would do just that.
He's mean and mean men can be very hard to live with. A text is mean. Very little money, get a chippy, or cook a nice meal, pick up some sambo's and a bottle of wine in Lidl and have a nice meal or a picnic. Something to mark the day.
The lack of thought or consideration does not bode well. He does not think enough of you to celebrate the fact that you were born. Therefore, get rid. You DO deserve better.

Otis Driftwood

Damn right you should be pissed off.
9 months??
Id be fcukin livid.

He could have made dinner for you and pampered you for the evening for €20 or less so the excuse of money been tight is a joke IMO.

My advice would be when his birthday rolls around then return the compliment.

bada_bing

dump him! it's not that hard to make a little effort for your birthday and if he couldn't be bothered to do something more than a text then he's taking you for granted. Do you want to put up with this attitude for the next few years??

trio

I'm one of those people who doesn't expect much on their birthday from partners.

BUT I do expect a card. Mind you, I play it safe by announcing the week before "I do expect a card, by the way!"

I don't know if they wouldn't buy even a card without that, but to be honest I'm reluctant to try it out in case they didn't. Cos that would upset me. A card costs like 2 euro.

And it doesn't have to be a soppy one either - in the early stages of a relationship I've gotten those jokey ones with badges on and "Have a great one!" scribbled by the guy.

But it's still appreciated!

The least he could have done is buy you a pint, to be honest. I mean, GOD.

But I'd say that to him. But only in a jokey way because time has passed now.

Next time you're out in the pub you could laugh and say "I'm still waiting for my birthday pint, by the way!" If he's anyway blasé (and he sounds like he is) he'll just laugh in return and plonk one down in front of you with a deadpan "Happy Birthday". And he'll have gotten the message. A bit.

Next year - tell him beforehand what you expect. Not much - but SOMETHING.

LegacyUser

op when i read your post - i felt so angry. not that your boyfriend didn't get you a present, but at the materialistic view of you. he wished you a happy birthday - he thought of your bday. what more do you want? a big present from him to prove how much he loves you. my ex was like this, i didnt get him a shiny big present one year and he had the same selfish view as you!

Terodil

trio wrote: »

I'm one of those people who doesn't expect much on their birthday from partners.

BUT I do expect a card. Mind you, I play it safe by announcing the week before "I do expect a card, by the way!"

[...]

But it's still appreciated!

[...]

Next year - tell him beforehand what you expect. Not much - but SOMETHING.

You see, the point is that presents need to come from the heart, not because you've trained your partner to be a good puppy and react to that red circle in the calendar with running out and buying a present last-minute. To me (and I appreciate your opinion, I think we may just differ here), if I tell my partner that I want this or that done and she complies, it's only worth a fraction of the appreciation that it would have prompted had she done it unasked... and this does not depend on the value of the present/action itself! It's just the fact that she thinks about me and has a certain degree of empathy. If the present itself is totally crappy, objectively seen, because, say, it's broken in transit or maybe even something I absolutely hate (unbeknownst to her), the mere thought itself and the love it's evidence of is worth gold.

And btw, the reverse is true too. I am always disappointed when people 'overtake' my empathy, so to speak, by asking for specific things that I was going to do anyway, it SUCKS (obviously not for mundane tasks, but special things). Taking your example, I would be seriously miffed if somebody told me 'you know, think of my birthday, I'll expect a card.' (orly? you don't say).

kelle

sunflower27 wrote: »

A ruddy text - not even a phonecall - he should feel ashamed.

And if he's on Billpay, the text was probably free!

trio

You see, the point is that presents need to come from the heart, not because you've trained your partner to be a good puppy and react to that red circle in the calendar with running out and buying a present last-minute.

Oh yeah, I fully realise that. Even when I'm about to remind them I stop for a sec and think about not doing it. That if they forget my birthday it wouldn't neccessarily mean anything. And if I get a birthday text only, then maybe a cooler woman would be fine with it. And maybe it's pathetic to want a card at all!

And then I realise I'm not that cooler woman. That a lot of guys DO think that a text is enough. And I may get nothing else. Sure, there are some great guys who sense when a gf wants a birthday card and spend ages picking the right one, but there are others who assume that all people are as indifferent to birthdays as them.

But I'd hate to just get a text. The difference to me between a text or a card is that I actually find myself thinking "You'd spend more effort taking a dump than writing those two words in a text".

At least if you're picking out a card you actually have to stop for five minutes in Easons and think about what you want to convey.

Koda

I know its a cliche after the movie came out and all, but it rings true here...
He's just not that into you.

And you are better off without someone where you actually have to ask this sort of question to begin with! Of course he should get you a birthday present. That's the standard thing to do, whether is a big or small gift, for your mum, boyfriend, girlfriend, friend, sister. Even colleagues who are not close at least exchange a card.

If he can't be arsed to even give you a card or a cupcake with a candle on top(all inexpensive)...he's just not that into you.

When you find the guy who is totally into you, you will worder why you ever gave this other knob the time of day.

aoibhebree

Unregistered wrote: »

op when i read your post - i felt so angry. not that your boyfriend didn't get you a present, but at the materialistic view of you. he wished you a happy birthday - he thought of your bday. what more do you want? a big present from him to prove how much he loves you. my ex was like this, i didnt get him a shiny big present one year and he had the same selfish view as you!

It's quite clear she's not materialistic, she obviously didn't want something expensive or extravagant, she just wanted him to put a bit of thought into it.

If you love a person, you get enjoyment out of giving them presents - it shouldn't be a case that you feel obliged to get them something.

If he literally couldn't even afford to buy her a card - which I doubt - he should have at least apologised to her, maybe put a bit of effort into making a homemade card or something, and spent a cheap night in together or something to mark the occasion.

Personally I wouldn't stay in a relationship like that, simply because I think I deserve better. It's not just the stinginess - I cannot stand stingey people - it's also the lack of emotional understanding, that it didn't even occur to him that he should celebrate your birthday with you.

LegacyUser

OP here.

To the girl who said I'm being materialistic - I really don't think I am. He knows that I always put a huge effort into presents (he's been with me when I'm buying them, seen me wrapping them and stuff) and to make it worse, he knew that I was planning to buy him a good present. A couple of months ago he was saying he wasn't sure if he'd be able to afford interrailing, and I told him that I'd pay for his flights or his interrail ticket or something instead of giving him a birthday present! It's just basic thoughtfulness, I wouldn't have cared about how much it cost. Even a day together spent doing stuff I like would have been nice.

I know I shouldn't have left it this long to bring it up, but I suppose part of me is hoping that he's going to turn around and go "surprise! Here's your present!" It's really not going to be the same if I have to tell him to buy me a present - it kind of takes all the good out of getting something if he's only buying it because I told him to.

Another thing that makes it complicated is that he lives pretty far away at the moment - during the year he goes to college right beside where I live so we see each other a lot, but he's gone back to Galway for the summer so we don't really see each other much. I thought that maybe he was just waiting until we could spend a whole day together to give me my present (I saw him two days after my birthday though!)

The people saying dump him and he's just not that into you - I really dont think this is the case! Maybe Im just delusional, but I think he really does love me. He can be a tiny bit of a skinflint I suppose, very thorough when dividing bills in restaurants and stuff, wouldn't be too quick to offer money if I needed it for a bus fare or whatever, but he does pay for meals and dates every now and then. Is this present thing really an indication of what he thinks of me? I think we might have drifted a little bit apart recently, with not seeing each other much and all, but I didn't think we were at breaking-up stage :-(

I think I have to mention it to him though. Making an effort on special occasions is something that's important to me, that's who I am and after nine months he definitely knows this. I'm not too great at confrontation though, I tend to get all flustered and upset and high-pitched. Is there a chance he's just waiting until he has more money/can see me for longer than a few hours??

legend365

A present on someone's birthday is more than just a present.

Its a sign of love, friendship, or hatred and jealousy

Someone who says they arn't much of a present person mustn't have much of a heart


In the words of snoop...drop it like its hot!

P.S. Sry its friday.

BubbleWrap85

Unregistered wrote: »

I got really nice presents from my family and friends

I love getting really nice, expensive presents and like buying them for other people,

I know he's not exactly rolling in money at the moment, but he goes out at night and is going interrailing in a couple of weeks, so he can obviously afford that.

He's not big into present buying; when it's his friends' birthdays he usually just buys them a drink or whatever, but I'm his girlfriend ffs.

All my friends boyfriends buy them really nice presents, like holidays and phones and ipods and stuff, I thought that was what most guys did but maybe my perspective is just warped?

Considering you've said all this in the space of a few sentences, I highly doubt you would be happy with:

Unregistered wrote: »

I would have loved even something inexpensive that he'd put a lot of thought into.

Seems to be a lot of "forgotten birthday" threads on here lately - what's happened the minds of the modern man!! To be honest, a lot of things could be on his mind lately and he just got sidetracked and didn't have enough time to organise something for you. By all means let him know you're a little annoyed that he didn't get you something small to show how much he appreciates you and see what he does about it. If he has a conscience, he'll make it up to you by taking you out for dinner or something.

From reading your posts though, it does seem that money is quite important to you. Paying for his interrail ticket?! That's about €400! I wouldn't be paying that for someone after just 9 months! And I'm not stingy with money [I just don't have a lot of it!]

Maybe it's time to trade him in for a richer BF considering the money aspect seems to have a fairly strong importance in your relationship.

Oh The Humanity

He can be a tiny bit of a skinflint I suppose, very thorough when dividing bills in restaurants and stuff, wouldn't be too quick to offer money if I needed it for a bus fare or whatever, but he does pay for meals and dates every now and then.

DANGER DANGER!!! Nothing worse than a mean person.

OP, I dont think you sound the golddigger type at all. In fact you sound very generous from your posts.

He is bang out of order here. He should have got you something, it didn't have to be expensive.

Meanness in a person is a sign of selfishness.