Please help me!

LegacyUser

Hi Everyone,

im going unreg for this because of what i might do.

Basically this issue involves my girlfriend and someone she works with. since the guy has been hired he has been a complete failure at his job, because of this my girlfriend is constantly having to fix his problems which causes nothing but stress for her. lately though this guy has been bullying her. This is leaving her constantly depressed, upset etc.

A bit of back history, her mother died a few years ago, i would rather not say how but it really affected her. when i met her she was alright, depressed sometimes but she could handle it.

I love this girl and have gone out of my way to help her every way i can. but lately because of what is going on in work i am getting really worried about her, she told me that she has started hurting her self and is constantly thinking about it. And all this because of some (excuse my language here put im really pissed off) F*cking ashole a down right nasty piece of work (foreign guy by the way) who is going out of his way to make her life misserable.

She has gone to her boss about it and in fairness he has talk to this guy multiple time to lay of but he doesn't, she has gone over her bosses head and they just gave him a verbale warning. So now im taking this into my on hands. yes i know doing what i want to do to this guy is going to cost me my job but it would be so worth it just to see that piece of sh*t lying there like i want to hospitalise this guy for what he is doing to her.

but what i really need is advice how to help her stop thinking the way she is. im so worried that she will do something that i just i dont know what to do. The worst thing about this is that she feels like im annoyed at her for whats going on and im not in any way and i keep tellign her this but that bastard has ruined everything. please anyone who has experienced this before i need help. i just i dont know what to do anymore.

(again sorry for the language but im just so pissed you have no idea.)

Spon Farmer

first off you cannot "do" anything to this guy, because it will get you in trouble and your girlfriend will blame herself.

a cliche yes. but the truth none the less.

the boss can issue warnings until the cows come home - they mean sweet FA.
the boss obviously believes your girlfriend so he should grow a pair of balls and deal with the prick once and for all.

Amazotheamazing

Tell your girlfriend to make a formal complaint to HR, or if there's no HR, to her boss. If her boss doesn't do anything, have her complain to her boss' boss. If that proves unsuccessful, ask a solicitor to write to the company advising them that your girlfriend has exhausted the internal company procedure and she will be bringing a complaint to the Labour court, or right's commissioner, I can't recall which. If you give the National Employment Rights Authority a call, they can give you more information. Their contact numbers on the below link.

http://www.employmentrights.ie/en/informationforemployees/

Do not engage in violence, you're just opening another source of trouble for yourself and your girlfriend. If things are really bad, bring her to her GP and get her sick leave for stress and consult with a solicitor who deals in employment law. Judging by your own post, you should take some time off to spend with her and both of ye can recover some equilibrium.

Further information can be found on the following link.
http://www.citizensinformation.ie/categories/employment/equality-in-work/bullying_in_the_workplace

CDfm

Not only will it cost you your job it will probably also cost your g/f her job.

There is a formal HR system at work and she has gone to her boss and all she has to do is either of those things and she is adult and knows that.

You going in all guns blazing is so uncool and stupid that even stupid people wouldnt do it. Cop on to yourself.

Dardania

I agree with the 3 posters before me, and add to that that you should lay off mentioning the aggressor is foreign...you don't want to give him any grounds for counter-claiming racism against your girlfriend...

good luck the 2 of you...you sound like decent people, and she's lucky to have you

Sarah W

Unregistered wrote: »

Basically this issue involves my girlfriend and someone she works with. since the guy has been hired he has been a complete failure at his job, because of this my girlfriend is constantly having to fix his problems which causes nothing but stress for her.

She shouldn't fix his problems. Each and every time he makes an error she should go to her/his boss and make a full report of what he's done wrong and how much it has cost in terms of time and/or money. Start putting the pressure back on him. Get smart, not angry.

Boskowski

I can see how you're upset, but what's that got to do with the fact he's foreign? Fail to see how that needs to be mentioned...

CDfm

realcam wrote: »

I can see how you're upset, but what's that got to do with the fact he's foreign? Fail to see how that needs to be mentioned...

I think it may be a cultural thing. He may not be in touch with his feminist soide

LegacyUser

hi All,

Thank you all for the advice, i see that i have been going around the the wrong way completely.

As for the foreign thing i had forgotten to say that he tells her that in his country its kinda how they treat woman. didn't mean anything racist by it, sorry if it upset anyone.

Still thank you all.

bakkiesbotha

Unregistered wrote: »

F*cking ashole a down right nasty piece of work (foreign guy by the way)

What has his nationality got to do with anything?

messygirl

Hey unreg, the first thing you need to do is be there for your girlf, I have a boyf who always seems mad at me when I talk about a big dope in work who borderline sexually harrasses me, ogling etc. I told my boyf and it seemed he was mad at me which makes me not tell him other stuff cos i dont want the hassle. I think you should make sure you are there for her, show her how you care, doesnt have to be expensive, make her breakfast in bed, rent her fav movie and get bottle of cheap wine, bag of maltesers and butter popcorn, make sure she has a safe place to talk about anything that bothers her and let her talk, don't be having a go about dickhead at the start because then she might clam up (i do when talking about big dope). Bring up at different times about how she could stick up for herself, give her a few lines she can have to throw in the creeps face, but you have to be gentle about it because otherwise she will feel like she is disappointing you as well (been there felt that). Maybe have a role play "this guy is a jerk, im going to pretend to be him and give you hassle and i want you to use those lines" I was always a walkover but my boyf helped show me i was being used and then one day a bully who was always getting me in trouble tipped me over the edge and i ended up telling her where to go and it felt fantastic! You can always tell her to next time he gives her crap to tell him "i know you are not used to dealing with women so you are happy to talk to my boyfriend, be careful though he is very protective and more" Can her boss clear up their job specs so she doesnt have to clean up after him? I would tell her to start registering every abusive comment in a book with dates times who in front of and then take his ass to the cleaners. Also my brother is a garda and he told me if a person makes any sexual comments or demeaning comments in front of other people she might have a case of harrassment. This ass isn't worth her hurting herself over. If ye have a good few friends i would recommend a night out and having a laugh or a quietget together with a few drinks to show her she has a good support network and people who love her and care about if she is being subjugated to abuse at work. One warning, drink can make you depressed so...

Also it seems your girlf may not have dealt with her initial depression after her mum, have you suggested counselling? I know you love her but IF ye ever break up she will need to be able to stand on her own two feet and learn to take care of herself, and at the moment with you protecting her (which i am not saying you should stop, its very commendable and it sounds like she is lucky to have you) she probably won't learn that. I know you love her but she has to be responsible for her own life. I'm guessing if she is self harming and depressed and the ass in work is putting her down she could get overwhelmed and she needs to be able to realise things can get better and she has people who love her.

best of luck anyway and she seems very lucky to have such a caring boyfriend!:)

CDfm

bakkiesbotha wrote: »

What has his nationality got to do with anything?

It shouldnt really but maybe there is a cultural thing on the treatment of women.

LegacyUser

Your girlfriends employers have a duty to deal with this issue. She should take notes of every bullying incident that happens (dates, times, what happened etc) & make a formal complaint to her boss and ask for a follow up meeting to discuss what they are doing to deal with the situation. If nothing happens, she then needs to go to her bosses supervisor and report the issue to them (of it there's a HR dept, go through them). If the company is not willing to deal with the problem then she could bring a case against them. She should also get some time off work for stress if things get too bad for her. She is lucky to have you on her side so all you can do is be there for her and help her get through this.

LegacyUser

I agree with Sarah W. Going to the boss directly about his behaviour has not worked. So every single little thing he does that costs her time/money/effort to fix, or even that she justs finds out he's done wrong and will affect her, she's got to go back to her boss with.Email, drop into his office whatever. Keep laying it out there, throwing it back at her boss' feet to undo and fix. Glad you clarified about the foreign thing....there are countries out there where women are treated like second class citizens - worse than you'd treat a dog. Obviously being a girl who's not used to that kind of treatment I can only imagine how hard she's finding it.I find it so tough when my I feel my own boss is treating me badly, I'd be destroyed if I was in her position - and SO angry. I'm sorry for you guys, she's lucky to have you. Best of luck