Serious domestic situation

LegacyUser

I moved back home there for the summer a couple of weeks ago, a move I am now seriously regretting!
The problem is my mother is being constantly abused physcially and emotionally but my 'monsterous' father....I moved away a few years ago and have been aware of what my dad's been like since witnessing numerous beatings as a child. If he didn't take it out on her it would be one of us. I remember one night one of my older brothers tried to stand up to him but my brother ended up on the recieving end of a beating as well...
I myself was on the recieving end of his fists loads of times and sometimes still am to this day. My problem is that my mother is in complete denial about the whole thing. She has been like this since we were children. Along with this, I have a 15 year old sister who is still living in the family home withnessing these events every few night at home. I sat her and my mother down one evening ad tried to talk some sence into them, to basically get out, but my mother was having none of it. I myself find this incredibly hard to deal with because it affects my relatioships with them and my boyfriend.
He goes out for three/four pints to the pub and comes home completely out of it.
My brothers no longer believe that this is going on in the house anymore, they both think it's a thing of the past, even though i did try to talk to them again recently but the words just wouldn't come out.
I'm now in a predicament, where exactly do I go from here. I can't move out because I would be letting my sister down. I have given my mum various options as to where to get help but she simply won't budge..She won't let me involve the guards, however I have talked to other people myself and the general concencous is that it's up to your mother to take the first step and all you can do is help and advise here....But I need to do more than that...What do I do next??

Frogdog

First off, I feel sorry for you OP. It's a terrible thing to go through.

Secondly, if I was in your situation, I'd take the initiative and tell the guards. Maybe you're mother won't thank you for it now, but someday she will, in my opinion. As you said, your mother is in denial, and after you trying to talk to her she still can't see what's happening. Time to get her help as it seems she can't get herself help.

LegacyUser

Listen Op it happenend in my family too very similar situation to yourself, if he is still abusing you, you report him to the guards, this has nothing to do with your mother if she wants to be a punch bag for a vile man then that's her choice but you don't have to put up with that. Go to the guards sooner rather than later as with someone with such a short fuse of a temper like that who knows what they might do in a rage.

Good luck and chin up

LegacyUser

You need to talk to your brothers again & make them understand what is happening. They are older than you and should be involved in this. It's easy for them being out of the situation to ignore it, but you really need to make it clear to them so that there is more than you deciding on a course of action. Is your 15 year old sister getting beaten by your father or have you spoken to her on her own about what she is experiencing? She has a few more years of living at home and it's not fair on her when everybody else can go off and live their own lives. Please get advice from the guards, even confidentially over the phone if you dont want to name names yet.

Victor

OP, you might want to talk to one of the organisations that deals with domestic abuse

http://www.womensaid.ie/

http://www.cosc.ie/EN/COSC/NS/Domestic%20Violence%20Services%20for%20Women

http://www.hse.ie/eng/Find_a_Service/Children_and_Family_Services/Domestic_Violence_and_Sexual_Violence/

http://www.childline.ie/

Is there anyone else that you can approach - family, friends, medics, clergy? Can you get your sister out of there for a few weeks over the summer and have her stay with your brothers or relatives?

philologos

Unregistered wrote: »

I moved back home there for the summer a couple of weeks ago, a move I am now seriously regretting!
The problem is my mother is being constantly abused physcially and emotionally but my 'monsterous' father....I moved away a few years ago and have been aware of what my dad's been like since witnessing numerous beatings as a child. If he didn't take it out on her it would be one of us. I remember one night one of my older brothers tried to stand up to him but my brother ended up on the recieving end of a beating as well...

OP, what a terrible situation to be in. I cannot relate at all. However, I would urge you for both your sake, your mothers sake and his sake to have him referred to the authorities. I want to make this clear, your father has a problem, it may have got out of control, and maybe he has become a much different individual than what he may have been originally. Although tempers may fly at this, you need to contact the authorities, but also remember that your dad is your dad. He needs to see sense, he clearly hasn't for years. But please, do something before it gets any worse, or if it can't get any worse relieve your mother and yourselves from the pain. But, please, please report it.

Your brother was incredibly brave, unfortunately brave in the wrong way, it is time when this needs to be reported. As I say, it is a horrible situation, and it will require courage, but you need to do something about it. Discuss it with your brothers first. Perhaps working together might make the task easier for yourself

Unregistered wrote: »

I myself was on the recieving end of his fists loads of times and sometimes still am to this day. My problem is that my mother is in complete denial about the whole thing. She has been like this since we were children. Along with this, I have a 15 year old sister who is still living in the family home withnessing these events every few night at home. I sat her and my mother down one evening ad tried to talk some sence into them, to basically get out, but my mother was having none of it. I myself find this incredibly hard to deal with because it affects my relatioships with them and my boyfriend.

OP, As I told you originally, this might be hard, and tempers might fly, but it has gone to the stage when you need to defend your mother and your sister.

Unregistered wrote: »

He goes out for three/four pints to the pub and comes home completely out of it.

Abusive behaviour is one thing. Alcohol fuelled abusive behaviour is another. He is a serious risk to your mother and your sister.

Unregistered wrote: »

My brothers no longer believe that this is going on in the house anymore, they both think it's a thing of the past, even though i did try to talk to them again recently but the words just wouldn't come out.

OP, even if your brothers don't believe you. You have to tell them. They will make any action you take to report your father much easier. You need them to help you out, and your mother needs them and you to help her out even if she cannot see it herself right now.

Unregistered wrote: »

I'm now in a predicament, where exactly do I go from here. I can't move out because I would be letting my sister down. I have given my mum various options as to where to get help but she simply won't budge..She won't let me involve the guards, however I have talked to other people myself and the general concencous is that it's up to your mother to take the first step and all you can do is help and advise here....But I need to do more than that...What do I do next??

You should involve the police. They can prosecute your father even if your mother is originally not willing to bring forward evidence. The testimony of your younger sister and yourself will be a starting point. Hopefully she too will gain courage to be able to stand up for herself. This isn't right.

Talk it over with your brothers first, and tell them what is happening and then see if going to the police is a valid option. I personally believe it is your duty.

OP, this is a tough situation, just please do not make it any tougher for anyone to endure. Good luck

LegacyUser

I have considered contacting the guards, but out of respect for my mothers wishes I just grin and bear it. I know it sounds like a stupid thing to say but she has said to me that its nothing and she dosen't want any outside parties involved.

I have had an open conversation with my sister about the issue which deeply upsets her and she has assured me that nothing physical has happened that the only abuse she has suffered from my father was verbal. I am considering getting her a councelling session somewhere but I don't know where to start...I myself went but it was the other side of the country...so thats not going to work out!

As for my mother, no matter what amount of talking I do nothing I seem to say will ever change her mind....I don't know why she lives with this in thi day and age when there is so much support/help out there. There must be something I can do...

The whole drinking thing with my 'father' is strange. Alcohol seems to trigger his temper/rage. I don't think any amount of help he could get will ever change him. Even when he's not drinking there's still a strong temperment in the household. I thought I had seen the worst of his actions as a child, but unfortunately it's worse it's getting....This has to stop now!!

LegacyUser

Hi OP - you dont mention your brothers in your last post. Please please talk to them & get them to understand what is going on. You shouldnt have to deal with this on your own. Also even if your sister hasnt been hit by your father, she has witnessed things that she shouldnt have to at her young age and she should have the chance for a better life. I know you and your brothers had to live with it, but wouldnt it be great if she had a better life for her last teenage years than you had? Please do something about it.

Oh The Humanity

I dont know if this is a good idea but maybe you could record the next incident on a mobile phone and show it to your brothers and delete it afterwards......just to prove to them what is going on....

Frogdog

Unregistered wrote: »

I have considered contacting the guards, but out of respect for my mothers wishes I just grin and bear it. I know it sounds like a stupid thing to say but she has said to me that its nothing and she dosen't want any outside parties involved.

Out of respect for your mother's wishes you grin and bear it??? Obviously you are not grinning and bearing it, you have come to this website to look for help. We're all telling you to contact the guards. Even someone above has told us they've gone through something similar and contacted them. You should too. Your mother is in denial. She can't help herself. You have to step up and help her and the only way to do this is by informing the guards. Your mother might say it's nothing, but what if something more serious happens? Then you'll be left with guilt about what you could have done to stop this now.

Unregistered

Unregistered wrote: »

I have had an open conversation with my sister about the issue which deeply upsets her and she has assured me that nothing physical has happened that the only abuse she has suffered from my father was verbal.
...

I thought I had seen the worst of his actions as a child, but unfortunately it's worse it's getting....This has to stop now!!

Your sister is in danger and unfortunately at the moment no-one can help her but you. I hope you can find the courage and strength to do this for her ... and for yourself.

I understand how hard it is to consider the Gardai at this stage but you've taken a small step in "talking" to us ... the next step could be to talk to a professional, in confidence.

1800 341 900

Best of luck OP.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for taking the time to reply.
Since last night I have contacted the guards, it just had gone too far and I was quite literally afraid that it was going to go so much further, so at long last they came and they cautioned him but also gave my mother options of trying to get a restraining order or a barring order both of which she rejected because these events were 'normality' to her and I suppose being honest the rest of us.
Moments after the guards arriving one of my brothers landed at the house and saw my mums bruised face and my burned arm (he poured near boiling water over it while he was in a fit of rage), it was only then that my brother realised the extent of what was going on. I suppose we should have push him to be done for assault. Anyways, he landed home a good few hours later, after he had semi-sobered up and so far the scare tatic seemed to have worked. But only time will tell....
My mum was absolutely gob-smacked when she saw them land at the door, yes she was completely and utterly ashamed and since then she hasn't wanted to know either me or my sister...I was at work this morning and according to my sis, my mum spent the whole morning in her room crying and trying to cover up bruises. However, when my sister went in with a cuppa earlier on she noticed cuts on her arms that weren't there last night...I need to seek further help for her, sooner rather than later!
I also got my sister to go to my brothers house after the events last night so I stayed with mum. I also found a councellor for my sis to see. I was trying to get mum to talk to someone but I got complete any utter rejection from her. 'You shouldn't have done this, things are only going to get 10 times worse now'.
Anyways thank you all again.. hope things start to get better..

Overheal

Christ.

OP check with a solicitor, do you have the option to get the restraining order? It might be different for your mother, she being the spouse. Not sure how that might work. But these bruises and burns are hard cut evidence: You can have your father jailed.

JamesTaylorfan

Involve the police now.

LegacyUser

I don't see how jail could fix the situation...my mother has made her wishes clear, so subconsciously she knows whats going on...
A restraining order is what I am now looking to get in place and as he now has a record it will be easier to keep an eye on things. The liason officer said she will keep in touch with us to see what is going on and whether there are any more outbursts ect..

Nevyn

Given that your Dad attacked you and you live there you can apply for a saftey order for yourself. Given that you sister is still a minor and is at risk living in the house hold you can make a complaint to socails workers under the child protection act and they will treat it anon if you wish.

No one should have to live like that, try get yourself, your sister and your mother if you can to go to al anon meetings to get help and support.

mikemac

OP, your mother has dealt with for so long she may think it's normal.

Get the gardai involved now.

And in Ireland we have a quango for everything
http://www.womensaid.ie/
If they can't help your mother or sister they will point in the right direction

LegacyUser

Sorry for the delay in my reply, we had really bad thunder here last night and the net went down.
Last night things were alot calmer, no alcohol just a very tence atmosphere...my sister is going to stay at my brothers till things settle down and then I booked mum, my sister and myself into a spa down the country for three night to see if I can get her to come around...I feel it's something she will accept in time and I'm only trying to push things along by taking her away and seeing that her life dosen't have to be controlled by him anymore.
I was in touch with the liason officer this morning and had a good chat with her and basically gave her the jist of what's been going on...she did inform me about the... protection order, and that we could also have him removed from the house if we wished..so this is what I'm going to try and get my mum to accept, it's for the best all round.
Financially, my mum is okay...she has a good job nd works for the HSE, so money shouldn't be a problem and I try to help out where at all possible with bills ect..and also I'm pretty sure my brothers will be supportive in this regards as well....
I believe that the scare tatic has worked for now, but it's not going to be permanent....he needs help I suppose but even at that I don't believe he will ever change, not in this life-time!!
I will keep you all posted....Thank you all again...
PS:I am looking up support agencies on the internet and I do intend to use them as well as any other help I can find to get my family through this....

LegacyUser

OP - just wanted to say well done for taking these steps and I hope things work out for you and your family.

tomcollins97

You should go to the Gardai and have your father charged.

LegacyUser

'tomcollins97'
I do appreciate your post, but I don't see how going further with this is going to get anyone the help they need. At this point, my mother and sister are my priority. And as I've got my sister out of harms way....It's easier said than done to go to the guards...I have spoken to them and they have told me what I can do in order to prevent or if he physically attack either of us again...And if I need be, I will call them again...I am not afraid of authority any longer and that's what their there for....thank you for your concern..

cat_rant

Hi Op

I am very sorry to hear what you have been going through. It's not right and does need to change. I just wanted to say, I respect you so much for having the balls to speak up about it. The courage to look for hep and the conviction to see it through. It's not the end of this but it is certainly a step in the right direction for you and your family.

Your Mam and sister are very lucky to have you in their lives and please make sure that your brothers get involved and support you girls in this hard time. Please make sure that there is someone to look after you, becuase if you don't mind yourself - you won't be in any condition to look out for the others.

Get pleanty of rest over the next while and remeber to try and be level headed and logical in any further situations that arise. This will help you think clearly and avoid escallating a situation.

As for your Mum do what you can for her but remember that it's not your fault if she won't accept your help. Try not to feel guilty about it.

I hope that things work out for the better and remind yourself every day that there are people who love, care for you and respect you for the strong and capable person you are.

Heart felt best wishes for the future.
Cat_Rant

P.S. it might be good to get your sister involved in a youth group. youth Leaders are there as another support system and she will have positive peer interaction. This will help her have time out from it all and also show her valuable life skills. Positive communication, respect etc....

LegacyUser

cat_rant wrote: »

Hi Op

I am very sorry to hear what you have been going through. It's not right and does need to change. I just wanted to say, I respect you so much for having the balls to speak up about it. The courage to look for hep and the conviction to see it through. It's not the end of this but it is certainly a step in the right direction for you and your family.

Your Mam and sister are very lucky to have you in their lives and please make sure that your brothers get involved and support you girls in this hard time. Please make sure that there is someone to look after you, becuase if you don't mind yourself - you won't be in any condition to look out for the others.

Get pleanty of rest over the next while and remeber to try and be level headed and logical in any further situations that arise. This will help you think clearly and avoid escallating a situation.

As for your Mum do what you can for her but remember that it's not your fault if she won't accept your help. Try not to feel guilty about it.

I hope that things work out for the better and remind yourself every day that there are people who love, care for you and respect you for the strong and capable person you are.

Heart felt best wishes for the future.
Cat_Rant

P.S. it might be good to get your sister involved in a youth group. youth Leaders are there as another support system and she will have positive peer interaction. This will help her have time out from it all and also show her valuable life skills. Positive communication, respect etc....

Hi cat rant,

Thank you for your kind reply....:)
I suppose I have sorted out alot of things over the last few days..it's been pretty hetic!!
Anyways my mother has taken a few days of work, she is still a bit of a mess...I fear that she is now self-harming going on what my younger sister has said...so I do think that she seriously need help, I'm going to try and get her to go to the GP on monday, even though I wouldn't have much faith in that doc...
I myself am really stressed, I haven't had one proper nights sleep since I came home for the summer..Along with that I have a repeat exam in a couple weeks...So I'm counting on ot getting back to college in september unless things really settle down at home here...
As for my sister, I think she is doing the best out of all of us...She is still staying with my brother...and she has alot of support from her friends which is great...I have got her to see a councellor which she has even told me she is making progress and she see's what has been going on in a different light...
As for dad, well he's staying quite for the time being anyway...but at the next sign of trouble I'm back on the phone and I will see to it that he is removed once and for all, no second chances!
My brother have been really supportive since they've found out whats been happening...but it's been difficult for them both to resist beating him to a pulp...And I certainly knew what I would do if I had a golf club!!:) lol!
Anyways, hopefully things will start to look up sooner rather than later...
All the best and thaks again!

mam1

Hi Op first off you are so courageous for highlighting this issue,secondly I know its hard to understand your mams actions but she has lived like that so long it seems the norm to her..and obviously your dad has her mentally beaten which is far harder to heal than physical cuts and bruises,thirdly I know this may seem strange but what about drugging him with something like St Johns Wort to keep him calm...or better still get some sleeping tablets from your GP..dont blame yourself or your mam he is the one with the problem..take care of yourself x

LegacyUser

Hi Mam1
I don't consider drugging a person to be a good approach to the situation at hand, if he were to find out..I don't know what the consequences would be and thats not a route I'm really willing to go! Anyways, my GP is the worst person in the world for handing out sleepers..trust me I've been there a few times before and she wouldn't give them to me no matter how far gone I was...all she said was sleep hygiene!! As if I wasn't doing that all ready.
My mother does think that this is all normal, but hopefully she will soon see things in a different light, that she dosen't have to put up with this sort of physical/verbal abuse, nor does anyone else!
Thank you for your imput...

dudara

Please do not raise or address the issue of drugging another person on boards. It is irresponsible and reckless.

dudara

oil painting

Hi OP,

Very very sorry to hear your family story. I know there is a saying that what doesnt kill you makes you stronger but you have certainly been tested on this one!

It sounds like it has finally all come to a head, like the bubble has burst, your mum must have been trying to keep things going the same way because she thought things would get worse, but now that the bubble has burst she might get a different perspective.

With your sister having left the house this is an acknowledgement that there are reasons why she has left and this is a good start because there will need to be further discussion as to how that pans out so the process of events will start to be acknowledged which are all steps in the right direction. You seem to be doing all the right things getting advice and speaking to all the right people.

I can only say that your persistence and caring has paid off, the relief you must have that your sister is now safe, and it probably scared the life out of you when you were away from the house thinking about what might be happening, so i hope that it all coming to a head will give you some relief....

I hope you enjoy the relaxation in the spa! and Well done for coping so well.

LegacyUser

oil painting wrote: »

Hi OP,

Very very sorry to hear your family story. I know there is a saying that what doesnt kill you makes you stronger but you have certainly been tested on this one!

It sounds like it has finally all come to a head, like the bubble has burst, your mum must have been trying to keep things going the same way because she thought things would get worse, but now that the bubble has burst she might get a different perspective.

With your sister having left the house this is an acknowledgement that there are reasons why she has left and this is a good start because there will need to be further discussion as to how that pans out so the process of events will start to be acknowledged which are all steps in the right direction. You seem to be doing all the right things getting advice and speaking to all the right people.

I can only say that your persistence and caring has paid off, the relief you must have that your sister is now safe, and it probably scared the life out of you when you were away from the house thinking about what might be happening, so i hope that it all coming to a head will give you some relief....

I hope you enjoy the relaxation in the spa! and Well done for coping so well.

Hey there 'oil painting'
Thanks for your post...
In some ways I'm glad things have come to head because this has to be dealt with head on, before things get any worse..I see even today Mum is starting to talk to me a bit more about this weekends events, something she has seriously avoided in the past..which is good, but I am seriously worried about her. Last night, 'Dad' went out and came home pretty drunk again...he was bad, but nothing compared to what I have witnessed and been in the middle of in the past..It was more verbal than anything. Even though that's not what anyone wants in their house. Today, there is an extremely tense atmosphere in the house again...So I've tried to stay away from the house for as long as I could but there's only so long you can go on a walk!

The sister has come back home today, just to see how things go...this is supposed to be a summer holiday for her, it hasn't got off to a great start.
Being honest, I'm not quite sure if I have done all the right things...I feel as if I'm not doing enough for my mum, tomorrow I'm going to get her to go to the Doctor to see if there's anything she can do, but I fear she won't disclose anything that has gone on to her...Should I go to see the Doc myself and explain things before I take my mum???

When I was away in college, I regularly got phone calls from my sister in tears explaining what has gone/is going on at home...weeks I was completely devestated...I walked out on a college exam one day just so I could get home early to protect my sister as my mum went away for a few days and the only people that could keep an eye on her was my semi-sobar dad and my brother that was working full-time...that night he came home absolutely drunk and took everything out on me because mum wasn't there and I was a 'fool, b***h, et cetera..then the physical stuff started..I still can see the marks on my arm and shoulders today and that was two months ago!
Anyways, I'd better go...thanksfor your post
...........................................................................................................................

Please do not raise or address the issue of drugging another person on boards. It is irresponsible and reckless.

dudara

I would never consider drugging a person as a solution to any problem...it would be me on the worong side of the law then, not him!