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Dressing up problem

  • 01-07-2009 11:50am
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    a few weeks ago i dressed up in stockings for my bf on his birthday. It was great but now he wants me to wear them all the time. To be honest i am worried that now he sees me as a kind of sex object . it has become that he will not only initiate sex if i am dressed up. Have I made a fatal mistake?


Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19 gerardo1982


    a few weeks ago i dressed up in stockings for my bf on his birthday. It was great but now he wants me to wear them all the time. To be honest i am worried that now he sees me as a kind of sex object . it has become that he will not only initiate sex if i am dressed up. Have I made a fatal mistake?


    Fair play to you for making the effort, some guys really like lingerie:P You probably turned him on so much that he's sort of temporarily addicted to you in stockings, give it a few weeks and the novelty will probably wear off.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Im in the same boat, except its nurse, schoolgirl etc
    Ive got another thread on RI called "Glorified Doll...will I ever be a mother?"

    Sorry dont mean to hijack your thread but I feel like a permanent dress up doll.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,883 ✭✭✭shellyboo


    a few weeks ago i dressed up in stockings for my bf on his birthday. It was great but now he wants me to wear them all the time. To be honest i am worried that now he sees me as a kind of sex object . it has become that he will not only initiate sex if i am dressed up. Have I made a fatal mistake?


    Firstly, ain't nothing wrong with being a sex object. Be glad that your bf finds you attractive and sexy.

    As for stockings, just simply say, "Darling, I love that you get so turned on when I dress up, but would you mind if we just kept it to special occasions and sometimes as a surprise? Seeing as you enjoy it so much, it would make it more special then when I do it."

    Simple.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 983 ✭✭✭Frogdog


    To be honest i am worried that now he sees me as a kind of sex object . it has become that he will not only initiate sex if i am dressed up. Have I made a fatal mistake?

    Have ye sat down together and talked about it? Just tell him that you are worried that he now sees you as a sex object. If he's a good boyfriend he'll be understanding.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 750 ✭✭✭VaioCruiser


    a few weeks ago i dressed up in stockings for my bf on his birthday. It was great but now he wants me to wear them all the time. To be honest i am worried that now he sees me as a kind of sex object . it has become that he will not only initiate sex if i am dressed up. Have I made a fatal mistake?

    Please OP... the drama ! :confused:

    Firstly.. so many women have problems getting ANY attention from their other half. Be happy that yours is going so well :P

    Secondly... remember that men are all little boys. You should never have dived into wearing them all the time..... but hell we all make mistakes...
    Tomorrow you should smile at him saucily ... and tease him... and say that you are going back to wearing them 'some' times.... and he will have to wait and see... and leave with that saucy look...

    Teasing and uncertainty is far more exciting than predictable..

    All the best.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Fair play to you for spicing up your sex life, and if he sees you as HIS sex object then all the better!!! It would be a different story if he was always out and simply arrived home and told you to roll over for sex. Enjoy it, it's called having a healthy sex life!!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 321 ✭✭elle


    I love dressing up for my BF. Does it not make you feel good to see his reaction? Even if it's not stockings every time, at the very least I make sure I have sexy/sexyish undies on because I know it is something that he loves. I don't think he sees you as a "sex object" OP he is just telling you what turns him on.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 39,022 ✭✭✭✭Permabear


    This post has been deleted.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Nothing wrong with being viewed as a sex object as part of a relationship.

    Me and my girlfriend have been together nearly 4 years and we both see each other as sex objects, might open up new avenues for your sex life. It was the basis for our relationship in the beginning and has remained a huge part of it after all this time.

    Why not try introducing other kinds of lingerie, games, etc. and let the stockings become just one of the cards that you play, so to speak! We have done pretty a lot at this stage, some stuff more often than others but the wider the repertoire, the less chance of boredom!!

    Enjoy!!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 15,914 ✭✭✭✭tbh


    you say "I dressed up for you.....now, here's a spiderman outfit I want to see you in"


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 911 ✭✭✭engrish?


    tbh wrote: »
    you say "I dressed up for you.....now, here's a spiderman outfit I want to see you in"



    Or a fat man suit and some lipstick so he looks like Brian Cowen


  • Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,217 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    engrish? only helpful posts or none at all. Please read the charter of this forum.

    Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,598 ✭✭✭✭prinz


    shellyboo wrote: »
    Firstly, ain't nothing wrong with being a sex object. Be glad that your bf finds you attractive and sexy.

    Finding someone sexy and attractive =/= viewing them as a sex object. If he starts to pressure the OP into doing x, y and z to please him, even if she doesn't want to for whatever reason, then basically he IS viewing her as a sex toy/object that he can make do whatever he wants. That's not healthy. She is an individual not an 'object' with the purpose of gratifying others.

    shellyboo wrote: »
    As for stockings, just simply say, "Darling, I love that you get so turned on when I dress up, but would you mind if we just kept it to special occasions and sometimes as a surprise? Seeing as you enjoy it so much, it would make it more special then when I do it."
    Simple.

    +1. It's not like he gets steak for dinner everyday.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 750 ✭✭✭VaioCruiser


    I think that's bang out of order (excuse pun :D )

    So if you dont wear tights he wont sleep with you. How have you made a fatal mistake? You've found out how selfish this guy is...

    snip

    I truly despair sometimes :rolleyes:

    Join the Club sunfower because I despair at your post... :confused:

    All we know is that he doesn't initiate sex unless she is dressed up. She didn't say he refused sex unless she was dressed up!

    There is nothing selfish about it whatsoever. He has simply reached the point, contributed to by the gf, where it appears he is only aroused when she dresses up. This is not a blame situation or a labeling situation.

    They both need to start communicating and bringing some variety into things. She was, in retrospect, mistaken to start wearing them all the time and should have used them as a special tease for special days.

    All the best


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,883 ✭✭✭shellyboo


    prinz wrote: »
    Basically he IS viewing her as a sex toy/object that he can make do whatever he wants.


    Men are not incapable of viewing a woman as both a sex object AND a human being, individual, life partner, whatever. Women can be both things, and men can see them as both things, side by side.

    There is nothing, repeat NOTHING wrong with seeing your partner as a sexual creature, or a sex object sometimes.

    prinz wrote: »

    +1. It's not like he gets steak for dinner everyday.

    Yup, agree here. It should be kept as something special.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,598 ✭✭✭✭prinz


    All we know is that he doesn't initiate sex unless she is dressed up. She didn't say he refused sex unless she was dressed up! There is nothing selfish about it whatsoever. He has simply reached the point, contributed to by the gf, where it appears he is only aroused when she dresses up. This is not a blame situation or a labeling situation.

    Actually yes it is selfish. Sorry luv, you just don't do it for me without wearing stockings anymore....:confused: It's called withholding intimacy to get your way. It shouldn't be down to the OP to initiate sex every time, and neither should it be down to her to feel obliged to dress up in order to turn him on. Sex is about them both having a good time, and appears to me the OP is a bit put out by this, as a result of her fellas actions. When you start to need certain conditions to be met in order to get aroused.. all spontanaeity has been removed. I wonder if the OP had something she wanted him to wear, otherwise she would not get aroused how happy he'd be.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,598 ✭✭✭✭prinz


    shellyboo wrote: »
    There is nothing, repeat NOTHING wrong with seeing your partner as a sexual creature, or a sex object sometimes.

    But they're completely different things. Of course your partner is a sexual creature...

    I guess it's my interpretation of a sex object... i.e. something that's designed to turn you on and get you off, nothing more. I find it hard to reconcile looking at your loving partner as a piece of meat/sex toy, thats sole purpose is satisfying your urges


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,883 ✭✭✭shellyboo


    prinz wrote: »
    I guess it's my interpretation of a sex object... i.e. something that's designed to turn you on and get you off, nothing more. I find it hard to reconcile looking at your loving partner as a piece of meat/sex toy, thats sole purpose is satisfying your urges

    That's what I would define a sex object as, without the 'nothing more' bit. Man, I would be *delighted* to have a boyfriend who saw me as a piece of meat or a sex toy!!

    It's possible to be both, is what I'm saying - partner and sex toy :)

    I don't think the OP's partner is wilfully withholding sex now either, she just says he's not INITIATING any other time than when she's in stockings. So they could be having sex when she's not in stockings, just not at his initiation. He's probably initiating sex and saying "will you put the stockings on?"

    Which is not the same as withholding intimacy AT ALL. All she has to do is say no and explain why.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,598 ✭✭✭✭prinz


    shellyboo wrote: »
    Man, I would be *delighted* to have a boyfriend who saw me as a piece of meat or a sex toy!!

    With high hopes like that.... ;)

    My gf could wear a potato bag and I'd still find her a sexy creature. But I'd never look on her as an object/thing. That said there are plenty of spanners around to be sure.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Its a common enough thing, the old dressing up. My lad has a particular fetish for white cotton knickers he can wedgie up my butt. He prefers me with knickers on!

    Took a while to get used to and not as pleasurable for me so from time to time I whip em off and please meself! Har!

    Just compromise, half the time his way, half yours!


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,883 ✭✭✭shellyboo


    If a man was only attracted to me enough to initiate sex if I had stockings on I'd be a bit :eek:

    So she either goes around in stockings all the time or always makes the move on him. Yeah, that's fair - and normal :rolleyes:


    OMG, don't be absurd.

    Let's say you have a favourite toy that you like to use on yourself. Before you got the toy, hands were great. But now that you HAVE the toy, you use it all the time because it's better.

    Nothing wrong with using your hands, it's just more fun with the toy. So for a few months you're all about the toy, use it all the time. After a while, you get a bit bored of it, and go back to just using hands again. And that's great too!

    It's not bad that her boyfriend gets more excited when she's in stockings, it's just an extra element to sex. To him, they're a toy. She just has to communicate to him that she'd prefer to not wear them all the time.

    You're making a massive deal out of nothing.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,883 ✭✭✭shellyboo


    That's a tad rude isnt it. I'm not being absurd at all. I'm just stating how I feel. As far as I am concerned we are allowed to do that.

    I think you're being absurd, yeah. Shock horror, man likes woman in stockings. Alert the media!


    It's totally natural and normal. He's not denying her sex, the OP never said he was. It's a simple miscommunication, not the end of the world, and not even a minor problem, never mind the major one you're making it out to be.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,883 ✭✭✭shellyboo


    We'll have to agree to disagree here, which is fine.

    In the OP's situation I would be hurt if a bf only instigated sex if I wore stockings... it puts the onus on me to always initiate it or throw tights on if I want him to make it clear he wants me.


    So would I, if I'd already made it clear to him that I wasn't happy with it... but she hasn't! As far as the poor bf is concerned, she's happy to do this for him every time. How's he supposed to know any better if she doesn't tell him?

    Mountain out a molehill, tbh.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 321 ✭✭elle


    I think I agree with shellyboo here - OP seems to be making a big drama out of a minor issue!

    If your boyfriend is refusing to have sex unless you dress up in stockings then there would be a problem but if you feel hurt because you feel that he only instigates sex when you are wearing them then you really have to let him know this because I reckon he doesn't have a clue!

    Personally I think dressing up is fun, I enjoy the teasing/surprising element of it and I think it makes sex exciting. That's just my opinion but if you're not happy with the situation tell him. From my experience men don't pick up on these things quickly and telling him what you like/don't like is the only way!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 750 ✭✭✭VaioCruiser


    prinz wrote: »
    Actually yes it is selfish. Sorry luv, you just don't do it for me without wearing stockings anymore....:confused: It's called withholding intimacy to get your way. It shouldn't be down to the OP to initiate sex every time, and neither should it be down to her to feel obliged to dress up in order to turn him on. Sex is about them both having a good time, and appears to me the OP is a bit put out by this, as a result of her fellas actions. When you start to need certain conditions to be met in order to get aroused.. all spontanaeity has been removed. I wonder if the OP had something she wanted him to wear, otherwise she would not get aroused how happy he'd be.

    I suggest that it is bordering on abuse to expect a partner to initiate sex when they are not aroused and would be excellent grounds for divorce, if married. If one partner in a relationship takes on that attitude then the other should walk fast in the opposite direction. Sex should come naturally from the initiator and not be expected to fulfill some kind of quota. That kind of relationship is a based on a lie.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,598 ✭✭✭✭prinz


    I suggest that it is bordering on abuse to expect a partner to initiate sex when they are not aroused and would be excellent grounds for divorce, if married. If one partner in a relationship takes on that attitude then the other should walk fast in the opposite direction.Sex should come naturally from the initiator and not be expected to fulfill some kind of quota. That kind of relationship is a based on a lie.

    Wtf? Did you read what I said? Honestly :confused: ......... I would respond but I don't even know where this is coming from so what's the point. Abuse..divorce...quota....??


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I dont know about other people but for me and my partner, we do whatever pleases the other. i.e. If her wearing stockings turned me on more when having sex she would do it because she knows it makes the sex better for me. If she wanted me to do something, she knows I will because it will make the sex even better for her. Whats the harm in this?

    I think the initiation thing could be an issue, it seems strange that he wont initiate sex unless she is wearing the stockings. Maybe the OP should try something like a sexy silk night dress with some nice underwear and see what he does.... Could be a way of levering him off the stockings fascination. I dont agree with the idea of doing it till he gets bored of it, something just seems wrong about doing this, could ruin it in the long run and make sex seem monotonous. I wonder what his sex drive is like if hes only up for it when shes wearing the stockings, are you not sexy when your naked or wearing something else? Perhaps the OP needs to tone up or tan up? Make sure your getting what you want too, dont just give and not expect anything back. How long have you been together? Maybe sex has already gotten boring and he sees this as a breath of fresh air. Do you enjoy the sex you have together? If not maybe you should try changing positions and techniques. Hope it goes well.


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