Advice please

LegacyUser

Hi there - just want to see what others think of this situation. 4 months ago my mother passed away v suddenly. my boyfriend was the best evr, so much support etc. we have been going out over a year now and the we did move v quickly from the word go. he left a long term relatioship and we started going out. his past relationship was one where he was not happy in for a few years but had house etc tying him down. anyway - last weekend he went out on fri and cutting story short - he lied about where he was and when i found out d truth he said he lied because he just didnt want all the questions. he is v stressed in work at the mo and to be honest i do ask lots of questions. and i have been relying on him so much from the death of my mother, but im getting councilling and trying to deal with the grief. so we chatted last nigght and he feels latetly that we really did move v quickly the last year and at time it feels like we are a married couple. he says he just wants to be able to do stuff on his own somethimes. he thinks i rely on him too much, loosing my independance, depending on him too much. he even bought me a ticket last week to go away with my friends for a holiday so that i can just do it on my own. i suppose im just afraid of loosing him, or getting hurt and thats why im worried. i do think it would be great to do more things on our own - just chill out a bit but then i worry that maybe he is fed up.... i asked him and he says he doenst wants us to break up, he loves me so much but just wants to do things on his own and not feel like a married couple all d time.

LegacyUser

it looks like you've got all your own answers to me....

Nervous Wreck

^^Agreed.

You just need to chill out. Do some stuff with your mates and don't plan your life around him. One of the biggest problems my friends have ever had with me when I'm in a relationship is that they'll ask me if I'm free for drinks on say a random friday night and my response will always be "Ah no, sure I'll probably be hanging out with _______", refusing to make plans with my friends on the off-chance that I will be doing something with my girlfriend. It gets annoying for your OH and for your friends.

ManOfMystery

Yup, the guy has told you what he wants and it sounds perfectly reasonable to me. When people in a relationship spend too much time together - or one becomes dependent on the other - it can become very stale. Doing things on your own lets you keep your independence and also gives you something to talk about!

He's talking sense so listen to him. Spending all your time with him 'in case you lose him' is a futile exercise as it will eventually suffocate him and drive him away. Learn to enjoy time on your own and have a healthy amount of time apart from each other.

VaioCruiser

Theer is nothing attractive about dependency.... :rolleyes:

LegacyUser

Hi, op here. thanks for responces, and i know that dependency is v unnatractive. im in a bit of a mess though - trying to stay busy, giving him space but since the death of my mum im suffering bad anxiety and since im hearing less from him im worrying he might be just not interested and im thinking all sorts of things. i know its prob all in my head but its driving me crazy.

VaioCruiser

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi, op here. thanks for responces, and i know that dependency is v unnatractive. im in a bit of a mess though - trying to stay busy, giving him space but since the death of my mum im suffering bad anxiety and since im hearing less from him im worrying he might be just not interested and im thinking all sorts of things. i know its prob all in my head but its driving me crazy.

I do sympathise... despite my trite but accurate post.

I feel you have two big issues to deal with at the same time and that is very tough. However there is no easy way, no easy solution. You have to find some way, some way of relaxing your need for him, while dealing with your loss. if you do not, you may well drive him away and suffer a double whammy.
We have to let the one we love be free, in order for them to come to us. This is so fundamental in our relationships. You must learn to love yourself first. Only then can you accept that he loves you without needing constant reassurance.
Remember there is no great satisfaction is being loved by someone who is dependent on us. The greatest satisfaction is in being loved by someone who choses to come back to us again and again and again - by choice.

All the best

LegacyUser

thanks, that makes alot of sense. so should i just leave him to ring/text first? sent a text last night saying goodnight and how my mums inquest is today but nothing back. suppose i should just leave it and give him space.