Unfaithful?

LegacyUser

Boyf out on sat nite and not home til 5.30 that morning, i called and text 100's of times but no reply(He had told me he'd be home after 11) afraid he was in a ditch dead or beaten up.
He says none of my business, he was letting his hair down and i'm bein a ****head.I was gopin frantic, i didn't sleep til he came home
He doesn't know were he was he says, he says he woke up on a couch he didn't no, i'd like to believe this but don't no.
Wat you think?

John Mason

double post

John Mason

No - WHAT DO YOU THINK?

we dont know your bf or anything about your relationship.

have you asked him if he cheated?

Do you trust him or believe him?

my often goes at and says, i wont be late home and i usually hear the alarm being reset at 5.30am (that's kinda his time really)

i couldnt careless tbh, i trust him and that's all that matter

Nevyn

Antagonistic replies aren't helpful.

Op please do not use text speak and the poster above is correct we are not physic really
my magic PI/RI 8 ball can't help you.

You seem to expect that on a hight out your bf come home when expected add to be in touch with you, he seem to think that is too controlling, I suggest you try to talk to him about it in a non confrontational adult manner and find a compromise.

Faith

If my boyfriend called and texted me dozens of times while I was out, I'd be pretty pissed off too. You sound a bit controlling. But the only way you'll know if he cheated is if you ask him straight out - bearing in mind the accusation could drive him away.

VaioCruiser

Faith wrote: »

If my boyfriend called and texted me dozens of times while I was out, I'd be pretty pissed off too. You sound a bit controlling. .

Right on the money.

And there is a lot of open water between being out late with the guys clubbing ... and having sex with someone else.

LegacyUser

Too controlling...back off or you'll loose him..

ive been there from your side and have lost two great girls...

You have got to trust him or else you will drive yourself insane...

Give him his space...most people DONT stray ...

best of luck ..

CDfm

You put very little info down here -is there a chance he went boozing with the lads and passed out somewhere - what condition was he in ?

It seems plausable to me and it does happen

Moomoo1

op, you are just like my wife. And I can tell you, it's really infuriating when someone just calls and calls and calls. It makes one feel claustrophobic.

The best way to go about it is to talk after the event and explain how worried you are and how not nice it is to promise to come at one time and actually come at a much later time. That really makes an effect, incessant calling and texting does not.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies guys. Quick explanation: this is simply out of character for him, i have never asked him to let me know where he is at any time, he simply does. He usually lets me know where he is and what he is doing, just so that i always let him know in return,which is a very basic thing to me anyway, but i don't really go out any more anyway as it results in rows about it and endless questions about who i spoke to and what about, same questions over and over and over, or if we go out together, he takes me home just when people arrive and the craic is good, usually saying he would rather sit in drinking(He drinks a lot)!)

So anyway, he says that he doesn't know where he was, he can't even remember leaving the house he was in, he does remember coming home though. I think i do know now anyway, I'll get my facts straight first. I hate to say it but i think he is probably using the 'i don't remember' as his cover. He looks shifty or something like that, and so out of character. It would not be like him to ever admit to blacking out when drinking.
I have seen and heard some stuff about that night that made my heart beat a lot faster...maybe nothing in it.

But I think it has opened up a whole new area of thinking for me anyway, and as he couldn't answer me properly last night when i asked him if he still loved me, i'm not holding out much hope. Probably we're just incompatible, i just wish i had seen that 4 years ago!

I feel icy calm, the situation is very confusing.

Also sorry for not putting up enough info, and i would like to explain that i am not in the least domineering or controlling, that would never be tolerated.

Chocoholic84

Jesus, what's with all the people calling her controlling? The b/f told her he'd be home @ 11 - and doesn't walk through the door till 5:30?

I'd be going off my head with worry.

He sounds like an inconsiderate pr!ck tbh - a text to let you know he wouldn't be home until later wouldn't have gone amiss at all.

I think the continuous calling/texting is a bit pointless though OP - unless he was deliberately ignoring you, he prob just had this phone on silent or something...although he still should have text you.

As for the not remembering where he was bit....I'd be concerned about a drinking problem?!

But I think it has opened up a whole new area of thinking for me anyway, and as he couldn't answer me properly last night when i asked him if he still loved me, i'm not holding out much hope. Probably we're just incompatible, i just wish i had seen that 4 years ago!

That doesn't bode well, I'm afraid No one can say whether he cheated or not, but if he can't say I love you, there isn't really much hope left...

LegacyUser

I know, i'll deal with it. It'll be good to have a life again. and yes he does have a drinking problem.

Thanks guys.

wexford202

If he has a fondness for drink he probably did wake up on someones couch.

I wouldn't think he was unfaithfull as you should know it is not very easy for a guy to perform when he is full of beer (Beer Horn)

If you had of only rang him once you would not be like this but because you kept ringing and texting your mind went into over drive and you started to fear the worst.

You are over-recting big time. If he was out with his mates he probably turned his phone onto silence as he mightn't want his mates to hink he is going out with a right pest.

Amy33

I spent 6 years with someone who behaved like that, coming home at all hours of the morning and often not at all. I put up with it because I trusted him and believed that he was at "house parties" etc. What a fool I was... turned out he had been sleeping with half the town.

VaioCruiser

Unregistered wrote: »

. . . i don't really go out any more anyway as it results in rows about it and endless questions about who i spoke to and what about, same questions over and over and over, or if we go out together, he takes me home just when people arrive and the craic is good, usually saying he would rather sit in drinking(He drinks a lot)!)

This for me is MAJOR bad news .... and not a healthy relationship.

OP - I think you need to really reassess the whole thing ...


All the best.

LegacyUser

i'm thinking too much here.

Maybe its constructive.
I'm so tired of always trying to get him to do things for himself, and me trying to get him to do things with me that will benefit our lives together. It is actually a tad controlling of me, meant in an unthinking or unconscious way.

I am drained most of the time and there is no fun or life in me any more really at home.

I just want to end the relationship now and start having a life.(I'm 26 btw)

I don't feel he loves me anymore anyway, and i question my own feelings for him, (More nagging wife/mother probably)

Do you think it is possible for us to split and still live in the same house? We couldn't afford to sell or rent separately. Also i don't think he'll accommodate me if i attempt to rent out a room in the house to cover my share of mortgage.(He would find it very hard to live with someone renting i think, but who am i to know!!)

wexford202

If you are thinking like that maybe it is time to call a day but one of ye may move out as it is too hard to live together.Maybe rent a room out to cover the mortgage. If he isn't happy he can move out and ou rent the room or if he still isn't happy he can pay the full mortgage.

There are options there.

LegacyUser

he won't move out. house his pride and joy, sometimes i think thats all he wanted me for, bricks and mortar.

i'd like to try and rent the whole house out, but as i said thats unlikely.

I will give it a small go living togther as house mates and if that doesn't work then we'll have to decide something.
I can imagine it would be fine except when he is drinking.Maybe i can arrange to be away then. I have some other reasons that i won't discuss here for my need to stay but it concerns a dependent other and its not a person!! (I'm soft for my pets)

I think maybe its been in my hands all along, whether we keep going or not, i've possibly been the one holding everything together.

Ah sure you live and learn.
I'm sure i'll learn more later on!
Thanks for answering me when i vent!

LegacyUser

I sound very confused or hard hearted i think here!! I'm just trying to be calm and upbeat and see this as the rest of my life.

Moomoo1

you should really tell him how you feel about the whole thing... if he doesn't care he'll walk away, if he does then give it a try for a few more weeks on the condition that he stops freaking out whenever you go near men, cuts down on his drinking and starts playing more of an active part in family life.

there's nothing worse in life than surprise bombshells without being given a chance to patch things up, the 'sorry but if you wanted to do something about it you should have done it yesterday' sort of thing.

LegacyUser

I really feel for your situation , sounds like you have your head in the right place .
Sounds like you re acted cos the routine you guys do revealed this comm. breakdown .
Sounds like you are being controlled by a drunk...Face the reality of it . The guy has a drink problem and is hiding behind it , if he gets angry if you say that its cos its true .If he cant dicuss it , its cos its true.. If he cant remember its cos its true..
If he cant give it up straight away as an act of loyalty and love for you, its true....
You are dating and tolerating the inconsiderate, well balanced, well hidden behaviour of a man with an alcohol problem that is being used as a cover up for more difficulties in his personality that he cant cope with....yeah yeah , he'll pull every emotion in the book to not embrace the harsh words im saying ...but thats his right, deal with it or deny it ..
denial standing for , Dont Ever Notice I Am Lying .......
On the other hand, you my dear , are dating a drunk.....RUN
Until he can sort himself out you are on a downhill spiral to serious damage, mental mind grinding , esteem rotting damage, and he will take you with him like a drowning man....
watch out for your own denial.......he is not minding you, loving you , being courageous and honest with you......before its too late, speak your truth to yourself, be mindful of lying to yourself and deluding yourself of how much you can take and how he'll then change his ways cos he'll open his eyes and a tear will fall and then he will become a hero ..Its a f*ckin fantasy ok , snap out of it ...

He gets the help, kicks the beer , or get your skates on and grab your gear....
Seen it , worked with it , fixed it, helped many folks with it.......
Trust your instinct , whether you are together or separate your'relationship' is way outa whack on this one, and if its worth saving he'll lead by example...

PS. Wait to you see the guilt trips he pulls on you........in all ways
He has an addiction ,its transferable , to drugs , porn , gambling, internet, women, fighting, food, violence.........seek support for your understanding, prevent more confusion
and mind yourself......

LegacyUser

ah, we've patched things up so may times, but never once has he said that he'll stop drinkin the way he does (Frankly the sight of him with a drink now annoys me so much, his voice slurs after 1 drink and i don't enjoy his company then, maybe other people do, but they don'y have to listen to what he says at home after, when he gets annoyed cos im annoyed that he drank all the money again, and left me on half his wage to pick up the pieces)and never once has he made any effort to do anything fun with me except that which involves drink.

I'm as bad as him for not handling that sitaution properly. I never was one for ultimatums (Maybe afraid what the answer would be?!)
Feeling quite cheerful now, in my little bubble of whatever happens it will be for the best, and i will be able to behave like myself again!

I want to stop having to please him all the time in case he gets cross!!

LegacyUser

doc i think you are right... (Btw my father happens to be a serious drinker, but was never behaved badly or insensitively to the family, but it has probably made me tolerate more of booze behaviour than i should as i am more accustomed to it)I don't think bf is a full alco yet, maybe just v sensitive to it at this stage, probbaly always!! (What am i saying?!! Lol)

You got what i am saying, this will go on like this forever if i don't stop it now.

The ball is 100 percent in his court and i want to do nothing to assist him along the way as i have already tried this and gotten blamed for everything.He will go and buy booze tonight and want to speak with me then. I will avoid that.

I'm trying to get all my willpower about me now as i know i can be weak willed, and easily persuaded. (Hopefully this time being more aware of this will make me stronger)

Thanks for speaking with me. Keep your fingers crossed for me that i get the balls to deal with this properly!

Moomoo1

it's straightforward then: you or the drink. Then he would feel like it's his choice to make, and would have no reason to feel hard done by.

This

i dont think its a choice of you or drink tbh...... if anything if someone has an issue such as alcoholism etc they need all the help and support they can get(providing they are willing and ready and trying to make a change) rather then people turning their back on them which might drive them deeper into their problem.

as far as being unfaithful goes only you can really tell how much trust you both have for eachother... any grain of doubt can ruin a perfectly faithful relationship... so either voice your concerns and see how he reacts.... if he says he hasnt cheated then you either need to decide weather you believe him or and not and just get on with it.

Moomoo1

but the decision to seek help is theirs, no one else's. Yeah, by all means support and help during recovery...

the way the OP is talking, she might decide to dump her bf without giving him a chance to change his ways 'under the pain of breakup', dump him irrespective of whether he seeks help or not. I was just pointing out that he needs to know that his behaviour is wrecking the relationship whilst he still has a chance to salvage things.

This

o yeah yeah i know thats why i said providing they are willing ready and trying to change... no point in flogging a dead horse after all!

LegacyUser

Well i didn't say nything last night, didn't have the guts. And he didn't get booze in like usual. He also bought food and offered me some.

The air was laden down though with unspoken words.

We made some small talk, just laughig at things on the tv.
When we went to bed i asked him again (I know its awful i ask even) if he loved me, he said yes. I replied that i loved him too, but he would need to be sure he means that and isn't just saying it, or this wouldn't work.

I other words tonight i'll be rying to talk to him (Unless he gets booze in tonight). So weak but i was afraid to speak last night, it would be my fault for causing trouble and him gettin mad as i'd have started the conversation.