Boyfriend drags me out with his friends

LegacyUser

With boyfriend a year now but have been fighting a lot lately about his priorities. We live an hour apart (work committments) and because he can't drive I do all the travelling to see him. This suited quite well at the start because I quite like driving and he had a house to himself but lately he's been spending more and more time with his friends. I don't mind him seeing his friends but on the one night of the week that I'm over I'd like to have him to myself.I don't mind occasionally me seeing them but not all the time. We had a massive row at the weekend when I walked out of the pub without telling him where I was going. He asked could we call into the pub for one to see his friends, not wanting to be a bitch I agreed. Of course one became 5 and when they were the last group left in the pub I'd just had enough and walked out. He says that I don't like his friends (not true) and that he's just being normal and that I'm obviously not happy with him. I love him but driving for an hour to see him and then having to sit in the corner making chitchat with his friends drives me nuts, I came over to see him, not his friends. He says that dating means sharing your life with someone, but from what I can see it means me being a bystander in his life and not a whole lot else. When we're alone things are brilliant. Don't know how to solve this, any advice would be brilliant.

Dardania

does he ever travel to you? does he go out with your friends?

VaioCruiser

Unregistered wrote: »

With boyfriend a year now but have been fighting a lot lately about his priorities. We live an hour apart (work committments) and because he can't drive I do all the travelling to see him. This suited quite well at the start because I quite like driving and he had a house to himself but lately he's been spending more and more time with his friends. I don't mind him seeing his friends but on the one night of the week that I'm over I'd like to have him to myself.I don't mind occasionally me seeing them but not all the time. We had a massive row at the weekend when I walked out of the pub without telling him where I was going. He asked could we call into the pub for one to see his friends, not wanting to be a bitch I agreed. Of course one became 5 and when they were the last group left in the pub I'd just had enough and walked out. He says that I don't like his friends (not true) and that he's just being normal and that I'm obviously not happy with him. I love him but driving for an hour to see him and then having to sit in the corner making chitchat with his friends drives me nuts, I came over to see him, not his friends. He says that dating means sharing your life with someone, but from what I can see it means me being a bystander in his life and not a whole lot else. When we're alone things are brilliant. Don't know how to solve this, any advice would be brilliant.

Hi OP... I feel you have a good point here and he needs to reassess his priorities.

I suggest you sit him down and tell him how you feel straight out. Why ? because it's the best, quickest and most effective way. You need to tell him how you feel about the situation. You like meeting his friends but he needs to spend quality time with you when you have so little time to spend with him. If he dithers you need to ask him why and if he simply wants this kind of relationship? If he says that this is the case then you will need to step back yourself and ask yourself how much you're willing to accommodate what appears on the surface to be a very one sided and disjointed relationship.

All the best !

Faith

Honestly, that would drive me insane. My boyfriend and I are an hour and a half apart, and I generally go to see him because he also has a house to himself, while I'm currently staying with my parents. I like going out to the pub with him, I like hanging out with his friends, I'm happy to go out in his town or mine with friends, but more often than not, I want him to myself. If there's something big enough happening, I'm delighted to go out with our friends, but I wouldn't like it to happen every time we were together.

He's got a good point that relationships mean sharing your lives, but they also involve time for just the two of you. Can he get the bus to you? Perhaps he's taking you for granted a bit. Try discussing it again in a level-headed fashion without it turning into a row. Tell him that you feel a bit like a bystander, and while you're happy to do things with his friends occasionally, he A) needs to make more of an effort to include you, and do things just the two of you a lot more often.

Victor

You both need to learn assertive behaviour - I'm important and so are you.

You need to arrange time for the two to be alone and for the two to be part of a group and for him to be part of the group without you.

LegacyUser

Hey OP (sorry if this is long, I could write a book on this!!),

I'm in a very similar situation to yourself, although I'm with my boyfriend longer than you (over 2 years now) and it's really only been in the last 6 or 7 months it's been like how you describe- the whole going out with his friends and me sitting there like an eejit while he goes drinking. I like going out too and his friends (mostly) are my friends too- but I'd love to get some alone time- it just seems of late that we're spending less time alone and the only chance I get to see him is if I decide to go into town to meet him when he's out drinking. I figure it's better than not seeing him at all (although maybe it's pathetic, I don't know).

Anyway, you came here for advice- well I know that my boyfriend at the moment is going through a tough time with work/family so I think that maybe he avoids being alone with me because he's afraid the conversation will get too serious when he'd rather forget about it for a while. Do you know if there's anything bothering him at the moment? It just might be a reason why he'd rather spend time with his friends right now.

Also- does he get very drunk when he's out, or is it just that he likes being out? I know my boyfriend drinks way too much when he's out, and it's something I'm trying to convince him to cut down on. I think if he drinks less, he'll stay in more- hopefully. Maybe that's not an issue for you though.

Finally- and it's something I know I'm going to have to consider myself (I've hinted at this with him already but I'm just trying to go easy cos of the crap goin on at home)- if he does not respond to you (and by the sounds of it you are being more than reasonable, so don't let him make you think that you're being unfair), tell him that he's going to have to grow up and accept that he can't have it both ways, i.e. living the single life but having a girlfriend too.

Believe me, I know how hard this is because when you love someone, you wish they would take the initiative to organise things to spend time with you rather than you doing it all the time. Talk it out with him before you decide anything though. Good luck with it, I know how frustrating it is.

P.S. Please post back here if you find some way of getting around him- I'll want to know the magic recipe!!

LegacyUser

OP here,

thanks everyone so much for the replies,
me and bf are meeting up later to talk things through and your replies have given me lots of food for thought on what I'm going to say.

I think it really comes down to him wanting to keep his single life and me. And me not being a very good communicator. I need to get better (like Victor suggests ) at saying I want to leave/do something else/not have the boys over. He's a really decent genuine person, and yes I wish he'd cop onto this out without me having to nag about it, but all the good in the relationship outweighs the crap the majority of the time so I'm going to try and talk it through and see what happens. Maybe sit him down and force him to watch "what women want" dvd till it starts to hit home.

Unregistered thanks for the reply, you sound like you're having it quite tough at the moment. I think the root of my bf's problem is that all his (and my) friends are getting engaged, having babies and he's seeing his social network drifting away so he's trying to cling onto them even more. I'd be worried that you say your bf drinks too much. You must be a saint. I can totally understand your frustration, you're compromising yourself by going to see him when you know he's more interested in drinking, but if you don't go see him the relationship will die from neglect. I don't know what the problems are that are making your bf drink but until he deals with them it doesn't sound like you're going to be top of his list of priorities. If it were me, I'd still see him but only occasionally and start putting my friends first a lot more. It sounds like this is one thing he needs to figure out on his own. All the very best of luck with it, and let me know how you get on.