Engagement paranoia - only whining

LegacyUser

Meh, this isn't really a relationship "problem", and in fact probably isn't even "relationship" but more "personal", as it's really only my own issue, and it's not something I'm looking for advice for, as I know the right thing to do, I'm just needing to vent, and it being generally unknown amongst my friends means I have nowhere to vent and worry and paranoia-ify except to the poor suffering souls on Boards. Yeh poor feckers

I "proposed" to my boyfriend a month or so ago. It wasn't the way I wanted it, as I'd been thinking of it for a while, and wanted to do it properly and have something symbolic to present to him and all that waffle, but in the end was just taken by a mad fit of adoration and impatience and asked him would he please make me Mrs So-and-So in a cafe we'd just finished lunch in with a bunch of friends (it was quiet and personal and no-one else heard, don't worry )

It went down pretty well, and he was close to tears as it was something he'd been thinking about too (we both jut "knew", to be hideously clichéd), but felt a bit off as he'd been cogitating too and really he wanted to be the one to propose, as that was the way it was done, and anyway, he'd been looking forward to it. So we agreed to agree that we wanted to marry each other but to pretend I'd said nothing and to not consider ourselves "engaged" until we'd done it properly with him plotting and planning and ring-purchasing and proposing and surprising me, and not to start planning the wedding or anything, but at least now he wouldn't be so terrified as he knew I'd say yes.

All of this is fair enough, and very, very sweet (ok, it may not sound sweet in text, but if you knew him and saw his face you'd know how sweet it was )

However, me being me I am impatient and paranoid and just want to bloody well be engaged, and tell our friends who will be so stupidly delighted (we've only been going out since the end of November, but I don't think anyone will be remotely surprised - it's very much been a case of ".....*THUMP!* 'Oh, I've fallen, and I can't get up' " on both our parts)
and have been trying very hard not to mention weddings, or "when we get married" or the kind of venue that would be cool or blah de blah de blah, but I'm a girl, and am one of those such that have been dreaming of her wedding since my early teens, and it's stupidly hard and I'm not succeeding and I don't want to pressure him but I don't bloody care if we haven't lived together yet, or even in the same country (he's from London) I just know this is the one man that waking up beside every morning will make me grin a retarded grin and I want to be his, and him mine, and I don't want to wait until his timid, over-cautious self feels is the right time....

But I know I have to, and I mustn't push, or hint, or ask, or beg AND IT'S SO BLOODY HARD!!

I want to marry him, and I know he wants to marry me (except when my paranoia and self-doubt hold sway and think that maybe he doesn't, or that he might now, but won't later, and maybe that's why he won't just get engaged now) but I just don't want to wait, especially since we both agree. I'm in the stupid position I have always detested of those couples who say "Oh we're engaged, but it's not official yet. We haven't set the date or anything." If you're engaged then you're sodding engaged, surely! There is no middle ground!

Aaargh! RantRantRantRantRantRantSobRantSob

So there you go, hardly a life-altering or psychologically damaging problem, and there are people here who God love are going through the bloody wringer, while all I have is whininess. But I needed to whine. And flap my arms ineffectually. Gah!

zxcvbnm1

so u only met in november and he lives in a different country?

I realise me saying this is going to ave no impact on u at all but maybe you shoudl NOT get engaged for a while?

MIN2511

Why do you need a ring, or your friends and family to approve/acknowledge your engagement?

I know it's different for everyone but I've been going out with my bf since November as well, long distance as well, we're mad about each other but it's waaaaay too soon for an engagement imo!!

It seems to me like you're far too interested in what your friends will think and about the 'big day' and setting a date - what is the hurry? You seriously think your OH is 'timid and over cautious' for not wanting to rush into marrying someone he's never lived with and has been with for barely 8 months? I suggest never showing him this post as he would probably run a mile.

wexford202

I also think you are getting engaged/married way too soon.

Anyone that is going out a short time is on their honeymoon dtage and when ye are living in different countries it may be giving you a flase idea of what a full time relationship is like.

I had a friend that got egaged after 4 months and everyone thought they were so sweet. Got married within the year and then split up 2 years later. With all the time included it was a relatively short relationship.

You rwally need to give yourselves time. A wedding is one day of your life. I am very happily married with first abby on the way and I can tell you my wedding day was not the best day of my life. I was so relieved when it was over as I felt it was more of a thing we had to do before we had kids. I think you have too much of a romantic idea about being engaged ang getting married.

LegacyUser

I understand the frustration that you are feeling. My partner and I have had the same conversation and both agreed that we want to get married, but he too is waiting for the perfect proposal, time etc. And I sometimes feel, "just bloody do it already!!". The difference is, we've been together for almost 4 years, living together for 2, and we have been through all sorts of ups and downs, good times and bad together. I know that we are strong enough to get through anything, and that he is the love of my life. Before you get engaged or married, you have to be certain that you have this trust and certainty. You have to love him all the time, even when you can't stand him!! :-) At the moment, you are in the honeymoon period, totally besotted with each other which is a wonderful stage, but have you even thought about where you are going to live? Are you going to move to London? Is he going to move here? Both of which can put a massive strain on a relationship, which I am sure you would overcome, but do it before you get married. Live together first hon, don't rush into the engagement. Just enjoy the romance. It'll be worth the wait.
Good luck.

LegacyUser

zxcvbnm1 wrote: »

so u only met in november and he lives in a different country?

I realise me saying this is going to ave no impact on u at all but maybe you shoudl NOT get engaged for a while?

Ah no no no no no, we didn't only *meet* in November, we've known each other for about five years, just not very well - hanging out with the same group of friends (we both do Live-Action Role Play over in England). We just finally got together in November, having spent our first decent amount of time with each other while both visiting friends in Brussels for a weekend in mid-September, and being in constant touch since then.

So not as bad as it might otherwise sound

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

I understand the frustration that you are feeling. My partner and I have had the same conversation and both agreed that we want to get married, but he too is waiting for the perfect proposal, time etc. And I sometimes feel, "just bloody do it already!!". The difference is, we've been together for almost 4 years, living together for 2, and we have been through all sorts of ups and downs, good times and bad together. I know that we are strong enough to get through anything, and that he is the love of my life. Before you get engaged or married, you have to be certain that you have this trust and certainty. You have to love him all the time, even when you can't stand him!! :-) At the moment, you are in the honeymoon period, totally besotted with each other which is a wonderful stage, but have you even thought about where you are going to live? Are you going to move to London? Is he going to move here? Both of which can put a massive strain on a relationship, which I am sure you would overcome, but do it before you get married. Live together first hon, don't rush into the engagement. Just enjoy the romance. It'll be worth the wait.
Good luck.

Oh believe me, all this has been well thought of. He's moving to Dublin in September to do a masters for a year. We can't decide before then where we'll live long-term as he's never really spent any time in Ireland so doesn't know if he'd like it and wants time to get to know it, which is absolutely spot-on as far as I'm concerned (despite my mam wishing I was buying right now). As for me, well I'd prefer to stay in Dublin, but being born in London and spending so much time in the UK means I'd ber perfectly happy to move there as well, if that's what we decide - jobs permitting etc (I'm in the Public Service, and that's not something to give up lightly, whereas my bf is going to be looking to get into an entirely new field of work once his masters is finished)

So yeah, we are going to be living together, and I know that will be different, but I also know that we will do everything in our power to climb the hurdles of him being calm and cautious and me being hyper and ratty and everything inbetween. But even when he's pissing me off, he's still him and I still love him to the bottom of my toes.

And it's not about friends or family knowing and approving, or the romance of the big day - it's just I want to shout to the world that I love this man and want to commit myself to him forever because he is....well, he's just *him*, and.... ach, none of you know us, so ye're not going to know what I mean. But I love him, even if he's got me watching the rugby, cricket and tennis

(and as for fools rushing in where angels fear to tread, I know another couple who were married less than a year after they met - not a year after they started going out, a year after they met - have now been married 7+ years, have three children and are one of the strongest couples I know. It's all about committment )

Unregistered

Unregistered wrote: »

Oh believe me, all this has been well thought of. He's moving to Dublin in September to do a masters for a year. We can't decide before then where we'll live long-term as he's never really spent any time in Ireland so doesn't know if he'd like it and wants time to get to know it, which is absolutely spot-on as far as I'm concerned (despite my mam wishing I was buying right now). As for me, well I'd prefer to stay in Dublin, but being born in London and spending so much time in the UK means I'd ber perfectly happy to move there as well, if that's what we decide - jobs permitting etc (I'm in the Public Service, and that's not something to give up lightly, whereas my bf is going to be looking to get into an entirely new field of work once his masters is finished)

So yeah, we are going to be living together, and I know that will be different, but I also know that we will do everything in our power to climb the hurdles of him being calm and cautious and me being hyper and ratty and everything inbetween. But even when he's pissing me off, he's still him and I still love him to the bottom of my toes.

And it's not about friends or family knowing and approving, or the romance of the big day - it's just I want to shout to the world that I love this man and want to commit myself to him forever because he is....well, he's just *him*, and.... ach, none of you know us, so ye're not going to know what I mean. But I love him, even if he's got me watching the rugby, cricket and tennis

(and as for fools rushing in where angels fear to tread, I know another couple who were married less than a year after they met - not a year after they started going out, a year after they met - have now been married 7+ years, have three children and are one of the strongest couples I know. It's all about committment )

We all know couples who married after a few months and are happy with kids. I also know many who ended up getting divorced because they'd rushed things. I understand your feelings but I don't understand why you feel you need to be engaged/married to 'show commitment'. If the relationship is strong, it will still be that way in one or two years. I think your OH is just being sensible about this. I know you said you want this for yourself, but a lot of your post is about how it looks to others and what your friends will think.

I'm in the stupid position I have always detested of those couples who say "Oh we're engaged, but it's not official yet. We haven't set the date or anything." If you're engaged then you're sodding engaged, surely! There is no middle ground!

Well, he agreed that he'd like to get engaged. I wouldn't call that engaged, but each to their own. I would be very, very careful about pushing this. It sounds very much like you want the ring on your finger before he changes his mind? Rings don't make an awful lot of difference these days - personally I'd rather let him decide in his own time that he wanted to propose rather than push him into something and have a broken engagement or divorce a couple of years down the line.

Skapoot

I dont think the OP wants to tell everyone she's engaged just to prove her commitment to this man.

I think that when something fantastic has happened to you, that you've been waiting for for a long time, you just want to shout it out to the world because you're so excited you might burst (or something to that extent)

I dont feel she's trying to push it in anyway. Just excited (and rightly so!)

Congratulations OP. If he's the one then I'm happy for you

Miss Fluff

My parents have been married for 36 years and are inspirational. They adore one another, both very headstrong and very individual and their happy, loving supportive and solid relationship is what all of us kids have aspired to achieving. They were engaged after five months and married within a year. When you know you know so f8ck what anybody says about it being WAY too soon.

iguana

Unregistered wrote: »

It went down pretty well, and he was close to tears as it was something he'd been thinking about too (we both jut "knew", to be hideously clichéd), but felt a bit off as he'd been cogitating too and really he wanted to be the one to propose, as that was the way it was done, and anyway, he'd been looking forward to it.

That's the way it's done? Says who? It's certainly not the way it's been done throughout history and it isn't really done like that at all ever. The "romantic proposal" is largely just something which exists on tv, in real life it tends to be a charade of sorts as couples do actually discuss their relationship and where it's going in a practical, equal matter and if they are going to get married they know it.

Tbh it's too big a decision to make on the spot in the face of a big gesture. So in a "traditional" proposal situation most of the time either the woman has been silently dying to be proposed to for ages but never mentions it, which bodes really badly for the couple's ability to communicate. Or they have discussed it, decided they want to get married and then go through the motions of a fake proposal where the question has already been answered. Either strikes me as very odd and not really the type of thing that has a place in a relationship of equals.

You've discussed it, you know you want to marry each other, why not just take it naturally from there instead of waiting for him to ask you the question you both already know the answer to? You, yourself seem to want to move forward rather than wait, so I think perhaps you should talk to him and let him know.

This

tell everyone you are planning on getting married it was a mutual thing etc. ya dont need to get into i said he said etc....

just go with the flow what ever feels right for you... no one else knows the ins and outs of your relationship so there for cant really judge weather its too fast etc...

congrats and enjoy!

zxcvbnm1

Skapoot wrote: »

I dont think the OP wants to tell everyone she's engaged just to prove her commitment to this man.

I think that when something fantastic has happened to you, that you've been waiting for for a long time, you just want to shout it out to the world because you're so excited you might burst (or something to that extent)

I dont feel she's trying to push it in anyway. Just excited (and rightly so!)

Congratulations OP. If he's the one then I'm happy for you

WHt idealistic nonsense.
I'm assuming you are female yes?

Teh OP only started seeing this guy properly last septmeber and they live in sperate coujtries/

How does she know at all if he's teh one?

Ridiculous.

Skapoot

zxcvbnm1 wrote: »

WHt idealistic nonsense.
I'm assuming you are female yes?

Teh OP only started seeing this guy properly last septmeber and they live in sperate coujtries/

How does she know at all if he's teh one?

Ridiculous.

Are you serious?

If he wasnt the one she wouldnt be marrying him.

username123

Skapoot wrote: »

Are you serious?

If he wasnt the one she wouldnt be marrying him.

I dont think she could know he is the one yet. The only started seeing each other last september and they live in different countries. With the best intentions in the world they couldnt possibly know each other well enough to be talking about making a legally and morally binding commitment to each other. I assume she is caught up in wild honeymoon period excitement and losing the run of herself. It takes time to get to know someone, and to go through all types of different bad and good situations with them. Only after you have been through both the worst of times and the best of times with someone do you know they are 'the one'.

I dont see what the rush is anyway, if the OP is madly in love then good on her, enjoy it - but I wouldnt be rushing into a marriage in such a short period of time, a marriage is a serious level of commitment, and should be treated with gravity, not just dashed into by two people who are excited to be having a good time with each other.

evogirl

OP, congratulations!
dont mind people telling you its too soon and blah blah blah.... you know yourself if he's the one for you or not.
a friend of mine got married two years ago after 10 years and 2 children....they're now separated:rolleyes:
anyway, i know your just excited to tell everyone your great news ( not to get their approval as suggested)
so hopfully you wont be kept waiting too much longer:)

Oryx

Oh, god op, Im sorry to be jumping in here with cynicism, but well, here it is.

You know the guy since November, and by the sounds of your post you are head over your Jimmy Choos in the first rapture of love/lust with him. No knocking that, it is a WONDERFUL state to be in and I pity anyone who has never experienced it.

BUT. You have to take a deep breath and calm down here. You really sound as if you are letting this whole thing pick you up and run away with you. Rarely have I seen a post convey so much mad uncontrolled excitement. And thats where I get cynical. Cos that level of excitement cannot be maintained. Yes, you do have a wonderful fella and the prospect of a wonderful life ahead of you, but be realistic. You will have days with him when he wont just annoy you in his oh-so-cute way, youll viciously row like cat and dog. Thats marriage. Everyone thinks theyll escape it and be the one who lives like the end of a romcom, but I havent found anyone yet who has that perfect a marriage. And yeah, everyone thinks that 'even our fights will be magical'. They wont. Fights suck.

The fact that you want to jump into the next milestone of engagment shows me that you are just caught up in all this new love and romance, and I dread to think that youll come down to earth with a much bigger bump if you dont calm it a bit. It seems to me a sign of immaturity that you are being so ott about rushing the engagement along. Im not for a moment suggesting you dont get married, or even put it off, but dont pressure the guy, and dont see an engagement as something that is going to make your life perfect. You relationship, hopefully, will fulfill you, with the good and the bad, not the fact that you get to tell everyone youre getting married. Enjoy him. Dont worry about the trappings.

Mackman

same thing kinda happened me, except im on the other end of it. my OH didnt propose but brought up the idea of getting married a few months ago. I didnt think about it really, because i was happy where i was at the time. I said i wasnt ready yet, i wanted to marry her but i wasnt ready to make that step yet. Ever since then she has brought it up every now and then, talking about what ring to get, etc. and basically i feel that im being pressured into it. i want to propose, but im my own time, when im ready, not just to make her happy.

Anyway OP, what im tryin to say is, leave it to him, if he said he would do it, he will. be patient