BF and kids

Ellsbells

My OH is 9 years older then me and has a kid with an ex. The Mam makes it very hard for him to see her and this upsets him and the child a lot.

I want to have kids and have made it clear to him from the start. We talked about it when we met (he asked me) and he said he would do it again with the right person and if everything is well. We have already agreed that this is 'it' for us both and even talked about plans for our future and ultimately our retirement.

We live together in Cork (since start 2009) and he works in Galway, typically 5 days per week. So while we live togother its also 'long-distance'. All has been totally blissful since we met and we have been so happy til this happened.

I am starting to get on (38) and asked a few weeks ago what he thought about kids as I was starting to feel the pressure given my age. He said, as it stands now, given that he is working away he doesnt want to have kids right now, he is also pretty broke cos he was off work for 6 months last year and it depleted his savings. He is looking in earnest for work in Cork so we can be together and he doesnt have the additional cost of running a home here plus renting a place in Galway. So far no luck with a job move but he is definitely looking.

I said that I need to know if he wants kids cos I am getting on but he just said, that he cant think outside of where he is now. He is not earning a lot, doesnt want to be a distant Dad again (other child lives an hour away with her Mam) and when I tried to get a firm answer, yes or no, he said based on where he is now (with not even an interview for Cork and no savings), if I am insisting on an answer it has to be no becuase he simply cannot say yes but he may change his mind in the future if the circumstances change....

What do I do? I want to know if he will do it at sometime in the future but he says he cant decide based on what may happen jobwise etc. Is this a normal thought process for men?

I think we have enough money to manage and I can manage a baby if he is still working away but he is not happy with this. Is this an excuse or does it make sense? I am so stressed by it all that I have no perspective...

What should I do? I am so hurt that he has 'changed his mind' that its starting to damage the relationship.

All mens advice welcome.

Thanks in advance.

LegacyUser

Not being able to provide for my child financially, would be a big issue that would delay me from starting a family, but never stop me altogether.
Not trying to stress you, but at 38 time is running out, he should have more understanding of your position.

**Not directly at you, but similar
It's not a issue for me at the moment, but I always thought it strange, when I've read articles that say the recession means lots of people will loose out on the joy of childhood because they can't afford children.
I thought it was people being selfish and didn't want their standard of living to drop, because they would have to support a child.
I know kids are expensive, but you could always find the money if you had to/wanted to.
I know lots of single months who sacrifice a huge amount because they have to bring up a child, it's tough they miss out on a lot, but they get by.

994

His first child was stolen from him by the mother. He knows that you, as a woman, have the legal power to do the exact same if, at any point, you decide you're not "fulfilled". That's a simple fact. It's a very big ask for you to expect him to trust you, knowing that he has no legal recourse.

LegacyUser

Hi OP

a) Is it an option for you to move to Galway & live with him there? Would that solve anything?

b) you really need to get a straight answer from him on the baby issue. e.g If he found a job in Cork in six months, would he have another reason then why he couldnt have a child? He owes it to you to be honest so that you can make an informed decision as to what to do.

Ellsbells

994 wrote: »

His first child was stolen from him by the mother. He knows that you, as a woman, have the legal power to do the exact same if, at any point, you decide you're not "fulfilled". That's a simple fact. It's a very big ask for you to expect him to trust you, knowing that he has no legal recourse.

I am not her and not all women are like that.

Ellsbells

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi OP

a) Is it an option for you to move to Galway & live with him there? Would that solve anything?

b) you really need to get a straight answer from him on the baby issue. e.g If he found a job in Cork in six months, would he have another reason then why he couldnt have a child? He owes it to you to be honest so that you can make an informed decision as to what to do.

Hi

No its not possible for him to move. He is now 4 hours away from the kid so he doesnt want to be there any longer than he needs to be either. All our friends and lives are here so....

He seems scared to commit to it and is thinking all worst case scenario's... Dont know if he is being practical in his own head and saying no til he gets sorted with work, money etc etc etc or just keeping me sweet. His fundamental issue is that he does not want to be a distant Dad to another child and with our current set up he would be. With the job he does there are very few jobs coming up and he could be there for ages yet.

E

Silverfish

How long are ye actually together?

Would you be able to afford a child independent of him - why I ask is, maybe its not important how much he's earning?

Ellsbells

Just over a year. I dont want it right now but he cant seem to see beyond now into what he would like to do in the future. He says he likes the idea of it but right now circumstances are not right... He has moved career and is also concentrating on that - cant go into the details but he has the potential to earn lots of money. He is just not there right now and would need to move again and possibly country to do so.... He does want me with him on this journey but its not nice being me right now.

We could get by well as it is right now money wise. He (we) does not live a flash life so thats not an issue.