Porn makes me feel dirty

LegacyUser

This is going to sound like a weird one. But hey, the virtues of going unreg...

I'm a 23 year old woman who hasn't had sex in almost two years. I can't fathom casual sex, and haven't been dating much in this time, so I guess the opportunity hasn't presented itself.

But I have a crazy sex drive. I've been masturbating since I was a kid, and can go a few days without, but then I have days when I'll do it twice, even three times a day. Up until recently, my imagination was all that I needed, but all of a sudden I've discovered porn is a huge turn on and a quicker way of getting me off, and it's something I feel uneasy about. Now I know that most guys watch it etc etc and it's nothing hard core, pretty standard stuff, but I feel like I'm developing a complex about it. I feel dirty after watching it, and weak and ashamed, and I know this is a ridiculous way to feel, but I just can't help it.

I also worry that I am going to become addicted to the stuff, and real life sex will become even more scarce because I'll become even more used to 'satisfying' myself and won't feel the need for it.

Any women out there watch porn? It's not the sort of thing I'd discuss with friends so am curious if this is unusual, etc...

aligator_am

Hey don't be worrying, porn is a healthy thing to watch, OK, I'll admit that some of it is a bit manky but in general it's good, gets the blood flowing so to speak. You've nothing to feel dirty about, I've not had sex in 3 years (OK in fairness it's starting to drive me insane now) so I feel your pain, but sure what's wrong with watching some porn and getting "self friendly"? It's the church and all the other do gooders that tell you it's wrong, and to me personally that's a load of s***e!

You've nothing to be ashamed of, honestly, if it makes you feel dirty then use it to your advantage, there's nothing wrong with being like that every now and then, don't be ashamed of being human because really, that's all this is

Nevyn

Yes women watch porn, lots of adults do and some prefer erotic fiction.
IT is up to you to figure out how you feel about it and if it's for you or not.

Greenmachine

It is perfectly natural. You have to relive your sexual tension someone. You have already siad you don't want casual telationships so I see no prob with you masturbating. Just remember to keep up with your other interests too.

the_syco

Try watching other types of porn, role-playing, or as Thaedydal said, "erotic fiction".

Babbit

Mix up the porn a bit maybe? Don't feel guilty about it anyway.

JangoFett

Porn is great, it's there because we need it as human beings. It's healthy to want it and to enjoy it!

Go nuts!!

philologos

OP: My view is going to be a bit more conservative than some of the others on this post. I don't expect you or others to agree with it, but I want you to give it a bit of thought.

I'm just wondering, that if your conscience is telling you that porn is dirty, might there be a bit of truth in that? Bear in mind, what is culturally acceptable might not always be consistent with what is morally right. In the Western world in particular we have become acquainted with the view that sex is merely an activity like eating and drinking, it isn't something that should be thought much about. You just do it when you need it. However, I don't think this is the case with sex or porn, and I do think that it can become an obsession and a problem in your life just like drugs or alcohol.

You say that you used to rely on your imagination, but that isn't enough. It seems to me that it is almost an addiction, that you have to move on to harder and harder material, and as such you are growing in a deep dependance to porn and masturbation that may desensitise you in your future sexual activity.

You say that feeling ashamed about porn is a ridiculous way to feel. I don't think it is ridiculous. If you are finding that is the way you feel. Explore it, find if there is any truth behind it. C.S Lewis (who wrote the Chronicles of Narnia) commonly related in a book about Christian living that an example of pornography and lap dancing to people who are hungry going to watch ham on a stage for an hour. To him it seemed to be at that level of the spectrum. I agree with him, if it wasn't so culturally accepted it would be seen as mere absurdity that one would lust over mere flesh rather than endeavouring for a meaningful relationship.

As for women who watch porn, you are certainly not alone, it has been estimated that 30% of those who watch porn are women in the US and that the porn industry is worth about $50bn worldwide.

OP, I think you just need to have a deep think about your feelings and where you are at and see if you agree with me, I just thought I should get an alternative view across

It is possible to give up porn and masturbating, and there are resources out there if you need help in doing so. I'll leave them off this thread unless I get the all clear that I am allowed to post links.

Good luck

LegacyUser

Thanks for the feedback guys, and good food for thought there Jakkass.

I'm pretty certain I'm not in addiction territory with this, as it's sort of something I might delve into of a lazy Saturday afternoon, but I am aware of the slippery-slope character of addictions and I do have an addictive personality so it's something I'll have to keep my eye on.

It's not that my imagination doesn't 'work' anymore, it's more that, without sounding too graphic, porn gets me off far faster but it's less satisfying than if I let my imagination take over. I think this is why it leaves me feeling guilty, empty...the same feelings I used to get the few times I had a one-nighter in the past - the next morning I'd feel like crap so I decided that I wasn't cut out for casual sex.

That was two years ago and there's not been anyone on the horizon since really, and that coupled with my high sex drive has meant I've been reliant on 'taking care of myself'...
I don't feel guilty about masturbating generally, hell I've been doing it since I was a child and it keeps me sane a lot of the time (!!) I guess it's just that I'm generally quite an open minded lady, quite adventurous, naughty...when it comes to my sex life, so these feelings of guilt surprise and confuse me, esp as I've been enjoying it...

LegacyUser

I'm a guy and I actually have the same issues as the OP, although I'm feeling less guilty about it all the time. I actually spoke to a professional psychologist about it a few years ago, one who specialises in sexual addiction.
The conclusion was that I do indeed suffer from sexual addiction, but a relatively mild version. I'd say there are very many of us around.
Sorry don't mean to hog this thread but what I took out of speaking to the pro was that he was so non-judgemental, it made me realise that it's probably OK and nothing to be guilty about.

herya

Maybe try researching various styles of porn and erotica to suit your taste better? Porn is not wrong in itself but most of it is so tasteless, unaesthetic and downright stupid that if you're looking at some random internet stuff it might be simply your taste kicking in.

givyjoe81

Unregistered wrote: »

I'm a guy and I actually have the same issues as the OP, although I'm feeling less guilty about it all the time. I actually spoke to a professional psychologist about it a few years ago, one who specialises in sexual addiction.
The conclusion was that I do indeed suffer from sexual addiction, but a relatively mild version. I'd say there are very many of us around.
Sorry don't mean to hog this thread but what I took out of speaking to the pro was that he was so non-judgemental, it made me realise that it's probably OK and nothing to be guilty about.

I find this whole 'addicted to sex' quite strange, like saying your addicted to water.. we all need a bit of both now and again to keep us going, some obviously like the former allot more than others! But choking monkeys and what not 3 times a day, i dont think is 'addiction' territory.

philologos

givyjoe81 wrote: »

I find this whole 'addicted to sex' quite strange, like saying your addicted to water.. we all need a bit of both now and again to keep us going, some obviously like the former allot more than others! But choking monkeys and what not 3 times a day, i dont think is 'addiction' territory.

You can become dependant on sex as you can become dependant on drugs or alcohol. If it becomes something that you cannot stop doing, that is the time to worry IMO.

People have this ridiculous notion that we "need" to either have sex, or masturbate. It's not true in the slightest. I'd honestly advise the OP to keep it for someone special rather than potentially getting herself into a problem of desensitising herself for future sexual encounters, or becoming addicted. I personally don't think there is any likeness between water and what the OP is doing. It is possible to live without porn, it is not possible to live without water.

LegacyUser

Jakkass wrote: »

People have this ridiculous notion that we "need" to either have sex, or masturbate. It's not true in the slightest. I'd honestly advise the OP to keep it for someone special rather than potentially getting herself into a problem of desensitising herself for future sexual encounters, or becoming addicted. I personally don't think there is any likeness between water and what the OP is doing. It is possible to live without porn, it is not possible to live without water.

I'd agree with you there, I don't need to masturbate or have sex or eat delicious cake or go rollerblading. I want to.(with the possible exception of rollerblading).

OP, perhaps the quick release is too easy? And thats why you feel left down afterwards? I know of course it's quite like playing with an opposite number. Would you like real-life boy?

LegacyUser

Jakkass wrote: »

You can become dependant on sex as you can become dependant on drugs or alcohol. If it becomes something that you cannot stop doing, that is the time to worry IMO.

People have this ridiculous notion that we "need" to either have sex, or masturbate. It's not true in the slightest. I'd honestly advise the OP to keep it for someone special rather than potentially getting herself into a problem of desensitising herself for future sexual encounters, or becoming addicted. I personally don't think there is any likeness between water and what the OP is doing. It is possible to live without porn, it is not possible to live without water.

Perhaps you could give up eating food or breathing air for a while and let us know how you get on.

It's not necessary to watch TV, could become addicted, give that one up as well.

Books are terrible things, read a couple and you can get a terrible craving for more - stop reading or you will go blind.

I know for a fact holidays are addictive, I am always craving more, even within minutes of the last one ending.

I find music is intensely pleasurable and highly addictive. If anyone were to suggest I give it up I would tell them where they could go in no uncertain terms

Anything in life that is in the least bit pleasurable is potentially addictive. The idea of avoiding pleasurable things because of this is utterly ludicrous and is insane advice.

OP, I think others are on the right track in noting that a large proportion of visual porn is repetitive and often crude. I think this might be a contributing factor to your disquiet. Suggestions regarding erotic literature are very sound.

philologos

Unregistered wrote: »

Perhaps you could give up eating food or breathing air for a while and let us know how you get on.

This assumes that I see masturbating / sex as a need. I personally don't.

Unregistered wrote: »

It's not necessary to watch TV, could become addicted, give that one up as well.

Probably, then again sex addiction is more akin to taking drugs or drinking due to the fact that it is to seek a high.

Unregistered wrote: »

Books are terrible things, read a couple and you can get a terrible craving for more - stop reading or you will go blind.

Books expand the mind generally

Unregistered wrote: »

I know for a fact holidays are addictive, I am always craving more, even within minutes of the last one ending.

Yes, but you can go without a holiday generally. If you couldn't your finances would suffer. Eventually you'd be forced not to take a holiday by financial coercion. It isn't the same with a sex addiction.

Unregistered wrote: »

I find music is intensely pleasurable and highly addictive. If anyone were to suggest I give it up I would tell them where they could go in no uncertain terms

If you spent your entire time listening to music, and were unable to stop even for work, family events and other functions I think people would see that as a problem too.

Unregistered wrote: »

Anything in life that is in the least bit pleasurable is potentially addictive. The idea of avoiding pleasurable things because of this is utterly ludicrous and is insane advice.

It isn't really insane. If it is impacting your life so much that you are looking for harder and harder porn leading you to be further and further desensitised to real life situations rather than fantasy situations it is probably best to stop for your own personal benefit. It's very easy to take it lightly while ignoring the potential effect it could have. It's not about ignoring pleasurable things, it's about letting them take control over your life. That is not good. If you have an addictive personality it is safer for you to avoid IMO. The OP has said she has an addictive personality therefore my advice is sound.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

LegacyUser

In my case a mild addiction was diagnosed because I was doing something that I would prefer not to do, and that I regretted afterwards.

In the cases of wine with dinner, tv, books etc. we can easily avoid doing these if we want, we just do it because we want to. And afterwards we generally feel fine about having partaken in that activity.

I think that defines the addiction factor in this context.

I'm not saying this is the OP's situation. Nor am I saying that if it was, it would make her situation better or worse. I just think it's good if you can diagnose. This can put some context on things, and maybe give some direction for further reading or talking to an expert.

LegacyUser

Jakkass wrote: »

You can become dependant on sex as you can become dependant on drugs or alcohol. If it becomes something that you cannot stop doing, that is the time to worry IMO.

People have this ridiculous notion that we "need" to either have sex, or masturbate. It's not true in the slightest. I'd honestly advise the OP to keep it for someone special rather than potentially getting herself into a problem of desensitising herself for future sexual encounters, or becoming addicted. I personally don't think there is any likeness between water and what the OP is doing. It is possible to live without porn, it is not possible to live without water.

GI joe here! the reference i meant was to sex not porn, and come off it, you dont 'need' to have sex/masturbate?! Are you joking, speaking as a man, it would be impossible to function perpetually denying oneself some form of 'release'!

LegacyUser

I'm not trying to troll or take the piss or anything here, honestly.
I'm not sure if it works the same way with girls, but as a guy, once you've "finished" watching porn, you lose interest in sex, but you still have people doing unspeakable things to each other on your screen. My reaction is usually "Ugh, what was I doing?"

The trick is to turn it off just before you, er, lose interest. Makes things much easier in my experience.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

I'm not trying to troll or take the piss or anything here, honestly.
I'm not sure if it works the same way with girls, but as a guy, once you've "finished" watching porn, you lose interest in sex, but you still have people doing unspeakable things to each other on your screen. My reaction is usually "Ugh, what was I doing?"

The trick is to turn it off just before you, er, lose interest. Makes things much easier in my experience.

This is exactly it.

When I'm looking at it without the sexual stimulation, I find myself utterly revolted by it and it's like it's something that I find demeaning, disgusting, not aligned with my moral values. But it does the job, so to speak, so I've been going back to it, then remembering it later with an element of shame and self disgust.

I've been thinking more and more about this, and I think another reason why masturbation I find to be more satisfying when I'm using my imagination is because I am in the equation, the naughty, nasty things are being done to me within the confines of my imagination....whereas with porn it's right there in front of me, on a screen, and I am the voyeur. It means there's an element of disconnect, I'm getting off on other people's pleasure.

To be fair it's all relatively new to me, so I haven't exactly done my 'research' and most of the stuff I've seen has been everything you all mentioned - crude, tacky, tasteless....maybe I should explore a bit more, but a part of me just doesn't want to rely on this stuff when I've been fine so long all on my own.

Bottom line, I'm realising, is that the problem is more so my lack of sex / lack of love life - it's been pretty much non existent for two years and I'm not into casual sex so have accepted that 'self love' was my only option. I'm beginning to wonder why there's not been anyone in my life - don't get me wrong, I'm happy on my own at the moment - but did suddenly accepting myself as self sufficient eradicate the need for a man in my life, or is it preventing me from being truly 'out there'?

I'm not unattractive, I get a bit of attention, but haven' been asked out or been in a potentially romantic situation in so long it's starting to worry me.

philologos

Unregistered wrote: »

GI joe here! the reference i meant was to sex not porn, and come off it, you dont 'need' to have sex/masturbate?! Are you joking, speaking as a man, it would be impossible to function perpetually denying oneself some form of 'release'!

No, I'm not joking. One doesn't "need" to do either.

givyjoe81

Jakkass wrote: »

No, I'm not joking. One doesn't "need" to do either.

Ok so if you dont 'need' to do it, how long have you actually gone without either?!Max? Im expecting not long, with the kind of response that casual smokers tend to make, 'im not addicted, i COULD give up if wanted to..':rolleyes:

partyguinness

I have watched porn with all my exs and with my current squeeze.

In fact, they loved it. But I have no morals or boundaries and neither did they...:(

Latchy

Unregistered wrote: »

This is exactly it.

When I'm looking at it without the sexual stimulation, I find myself utterly revolted by it and it's like it's something that I find demeaning, disgusting, not aligned with my moral values. But it does the job, so to speak, so I've been going back to it, then remembering it later with an element of shame and self disgust.
I've been thinking more and more about this, and I think another reason why masturbation I find to be more satisfying when I'm using my imagination is because I am in the equation, the naughty, nasty things are being done to me within the confines of my imagination....whereas with porn it's right there in front of me, on a screen, and I am the voyeur. It means there's an element of disconnect, I'm getting off on other people's pleasure.

To be fair it's all relatively new to me, so I haven't exactly done my 'research' and most of the stuff I've seen has been everything you all mentioned - crude, tacky, tasteless....maybe I should explore a bit more, but a part of me just doesn't want to rely on this stuff when I've been fine so long all on my own.

Bottom line, I'm realising, is that the problem is more so my lack of sex / lack of love life - it's been pretty much non existent for two years and I'm not into casual sex so have accepted that 'self love' was my only option. I'm beginning to wonder why there's not been anyone in my life - don't get me wrong, I'm happy on my own at the moment - but did suddenly accepting myself as self sufficient eradicate the need for a man in my life, or is it preventing me from being truly 'out there'?

I'm not unattractive, I get a bit of attention, but haven' been asked out or been in a potentially romantic situation in so long it's starting to worry me.

Reading through your posts ,discriptions and expierences with porn OP I would imagine that your situation is pretty much the same for a lot of people .How many times do you see the guilt ie, we / I shouldn't be doing this in the actual porn storyline ? that's as much of the turn on as the actual action itself and getting off on other people pleasure as voyer can also ( obiously ) be the turn on ,even if it is crude, tacky and tasteless stuff .

philologos

givyjoe81 wrote: »

Ok so if you dont 'need' to do it, how long have you actually gone without either?!Max? Im expecting not long, with the kind of response that casual smokers tend to make, 'im not addicted, i COULD give up if wanted to..':rolleyes:

I personally don't due to personal beliefs at all. I'm not going to go into a chronology of the history behind it. I am personally free from such a burden and I have been so for a long time. It is possible for others also. I'm just giving my advice to the OP, that if she has an addictive personality she might be at a heightened risk of becoming addicted.

givyjoe81

Jakkass wrote: »

I personally don't due to personal beliefs at all. I'm not going to go into a chronology of the history behind it. I am personally free from such a burden and I have been so for a long time. It is possible for others also. I'm just giving my advice to the OP, that if she has an addictive personality she might be at a heightened risk of becoming addicted.

Yes, but in doing so your are denying yourself the satisfaction of a need, your beliefs dont make that 'itch' go away, similar to staying thirsty if you dont take a drink;).

I dont think there is any risk of addiction on the part of the op, dont think thats even close to why she posted, plenty, if not a majority of average joe's and jills watch porn, nothing wrong with it, or something to feel guilty about.

Oh, and its hardly a burden, if anything your beliefs are giving you a hefty burden to carry around with you

philologos

givyjoe81 wrote: »

Yes, but in doing so your are denying yourself the satisfaction of a need, your beliefs dont make that 'itch' go away, similar to staying thirsty if you dont take a drink;).

Nobody needs it IMO. I personally think that the OP and anyone else will value their sexuality more if they find someone special that they wish to commit to for their rest of their lives instead of committing themselves to a computer screen, or a television.

This notion that people have to have sex, and that people have to masturbate is mere fiction and propoganda in my eyes. Drinking something is not the same as watching porn. I don't see how logically anyone can come to such a conclusion.

givyjoe81 wrote: »

I dont think there is any risk of addiction on the part of the op, dont think thats even close to why she posted, plenty, if not a majority of average joe's and jills watch porn, nothing wrong with it, or something to feel guilty about.

You aren't aware of any such addiction for one of two reasons:
1) You aren't acquainted with such an addiction.
or
2) You are so used to the idea of pornography that you see that when people have a problem with it, it is entirely "normal".

givyjoe81 wrote: »

Oh, and its hardly a burden, if anything your beliefs are giving you a hefty burden to carry around with you

I find my beliefs liberating, and I personally find that this is a burden. Hence why I am thankful that I am not stuck in such a habit, a habit that may be too hard to get out of for the OP one day. As I said earlier OP, if you use a bit of intuition there are various resources out there that deal with lust addiction.

givyjoe81

Jakkass wrote: »

Nobody needs it IMO. I personally think that the OP and anyone else will value their sexuality more if they find someone special that they wish to commit to for their rest of their lives instead of committing themselves to a computer screen, or a television.

This notion that people have to have sex, and that people have to masturbate is mere fiction and propoganda in my eyes. Drinking something is not the same as watching porn. I don't see how logically anyone can come to such a conclusion.



You aren't aware of any such addiction for one of two reasons:
1) You aren't acquainted with such an addiction.
or
2) You are so used to the idea of pornography that you see that when people have a problem with it, it is entirely "normal".



I find my beliefs liberating, and I personally find that this is a burden. Hence why I am thankful that I am not stuck in such a habit, a habit that may be too hard to get out of for the OP one day. As I said earlier OP, if you use a bit of intuition there are various resources out there that deal with lust addiction.

The OP didnt come close to mentioning an addiction for christ sake, she came on cos she felt guilty about watching the stuff.

And how you can see the simple comparison to quenching a thirst is baffling to me, we are humans with some basic animal needs and harping about how you think no-one 'needs' these things is just silly.

We are all human, we eat, we sleep, we fcuk.. sorry to be blunt but your making things far more complicated than they are. Fiction.. propoganda?! I dont have sex etc cos i read somewhere in some book or where ever else you silly person, i do it because im h0rny!!! No external influence required, cept perhaps my other half.

Have a problem with porn all you like, but there is clearly a huge worldwide market for it, or else it wouldnt be made! Wouldlnt use the word normal, as we clearly would have different uses for the word.

Im sorry, but i really dont think your qualified to be giving the OP advice, im not saying i am, but from your posts, it seems you dont masturbate, ever, and am getting the impression you are celebate? But if not, touching one self is a perfectly natural and normal thing, and trying to tell me or anyone else otherwise just isnt credible. In short you seem to be labelling the OP as 'addicted' from the view point of not doing at all. Bit like a pioneer labelling the occasional drinker such as myself an alcoholic.

philologos

givyjoe81 wrote: »

The OP didnt come close to mentioning an addiction for christ sake, she came on cos she felt guilty about watching the stuff.

She did say she has an addictive personality when she was responding to my post. As such I see it as an area of potential concern for the OP.

givyjoe81 wrote: »

And how you can see the simple comparison to quenching a thirst is baffling to me, we are humans with some basic animal needs and harping about how you think no-one 'needs' these things is just silly.

I can't see any comparison. Whether or not you masturbate or have sex is a want rather than a need. Nobody has to. I think it's ludicrous to advocate the position that it is a need.

givyjoe81 wrote: »

We are all human, we eat, we sleep, we fcuk.. sorry to be blunt but your making things far more complicated than they are. Fiction.. propoganda?! I dont have sex etc cos i read somewhere in some book or where ever else you silly person, i do it because im h0rny!!! No external influence required, cept perhaps my other half.

Yes, it's fiction and propoganda to suggest that people need to have sex or masturbate when it isn't the case. I have nothing to suggest that this is a need.

givyjoe81 wrote: »

Have a problem with porn all you like, but there is clearly a huge worldwide market for it, or else it wouldnt be made! Wouldlnt use the word normal, as we clearly would have different uses for the word.

I'm merely here to give advice to the OP, not to debate about porn. I'm merely saying that it is possible that the OP will become addicted. I think she needs to sit back and think about why her conscience is telling her what it is telling her and perhaps try listening to it a bit more.

givyjoe81

Jakkass wrote: »

Yes, it's fiction and propoganda to suggest that people need to have sex or masturbate when it isn't the case. I have nothing to suggest that this is a need.

Really... ever had an erection?! Literally the craziest thing i have ever read.

You may not need to, but i certainly do, i have a normal healthy sex drive but i find it extremely hard to concentrate when i have 'other' things on my mind, particularly if im near a computer

I_am_Jebus

Jakkass, Maslow would probably disagree with you about sex/sexual release being a need rather than a want.

fair enough, for what ever reason you don't feel the need for self pleasure or other pleasure.

Will I die without self pleasure or sex. No Probably not. But I can tell you, I would much rather regularly partake in such activities than never or rarely.

Is it evil? most definitely not.

I don't know why the OP feels guilty about watching porn but equally I don't see how it could become a big addiction no more than anything else in life - "addictive personality" or not.

givyjoe81

I_am_Jebus wrote: »

Will I die without self pleasure or sex. .

You may not die, but the human race would most certainly cease to exist!;)

philologos

givyjoe81 wrote: »

Really... ever had an erection?! Literally the craziest thing i have ever read.

You may not need to, but i certainly do, i have a normal healthy sex drive but i find it extremely hard to concentrate when i have 'other' things on my mind, particularly if im near a computer

Luckily, I don't have to answer such baiting questions. There are many people who choose to abstain from such. I'm merely here to say that it is also an option for the OP.

I_am_Jebus wrote: »

Jakkass, Maslow would probably disagree with you about sex/sexual release being a need rather than a want.

Luckily although Abraham Maslow did bring us the Heirarchy of Needs, I am perfectly entitled to disagree with him should he say it is a need.

I_am_Jebus wrote: »

fair enough, for what ever reason you don't feel the need for self pleasure or other pleasure.

I don't see a need at all, rather that people want to.

I_am_Jebus wrote: »

Will I die without self pleasure or sex. No Probably not. But I can tell you, I would much rather regularly partake in such activities than never or rarely.

That's your choice. I was here to discuss the OP's situation, and guide her in making a choice. I knew my views weren't likely to be popular.

I_am_Jebus wrote: »

Is it evil? most definitely not.

You are entitled to this view.

I_am_Jebus wrote: »

I don't know why the OP feels guilty about watching porn but equally I don't see how it could become a big addiction no more than anything else in life - "addictive personality" or not.

I just think that the OP should think about why she is feeling the way it is instead of suppressing or ignoring it. This rings alarm bells for me.

I_am_Jebus

givyjoe81 wrote: »

You may not die, but the human race would most certainly cease to exist!;)

pfft ever hear of the immaculate conception.;)

anyway back on topic....

OP, maturbating while watching porn is not harming anyone. I don't see a problem. However, can you put a specific rationale on why you feel guilty.

While (in my view - don't want to be upsetting people) there is nothing wrong with watching porn / (stroke :cool:) masturbation, it still is not as good as the real thing which is something you seem to crave. You should get out more (don't mean that in a derogatory (sp?) way). I just mean, get out meet new people etc... and see about finding someone to be serious with (that is of course if a) you don;t already do that and b) that's what you want.

givyjoe81

Im not trying to bait you at all, pun there somewhere.. but rather point out the quite obvious flaws in your logic.

You seem to allude to the fact that you view porn as evil? Considering your reaction to jebus's statement? Care to develop on that point? The reason i ask, is again as i stated earlier, i do not think the OP should be following your advice as your personal beliefs, should you care to expand upon them, i have a feeling would be extreme to say the least and not particularly relevant or helpful to the OP. But i would not dare to speak for herself, i just dont think views, beliefs etc that are going to make the OP feel even more guilty, unnecessarily so too, are of any benefit to her.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Jakkass I respect a lot of the advice you gave about porn but I think to suggest quitting masturbating is really insane/harmful. I think its even borderline medical advice and no one should feel wrong about doing it.

philologos

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

Jakkass I respect a lot of the advice you gave about porn but I think to suggest quitting masturbating is really insane/harmful. I think its even borderline medical advice and no one should feel wrong about doing it.

The OP has raised questions of addiction, and guilt. Suppressing guilt is harmful without adequate exploration of what is motivating it. I don't see how it is medical advice at all. I am not surprised at the reaction however, I knew my post was going to be controversial, but the OP has already appreciated that there was some value in my posts.

I think the OP should make an informed decision, and be exposed to all viewpoints, even those which would differ from the views given by many others on this thread.

givyjoe81

Jakkass wrote: »

The OP has raised questions of addiction, and guilt. Suppressing guilt is harmful without adequate exploration of what is motivating it. I don't see how it is medical advice at all. I am not surprised at the reaction however, I knew my post was going to be controversial, but the OP has already appreciated that there was some value in my posts.

I think the OP should make an informed decision, and be exposed to all viewpoints, even those which would differ from the views given by many others on this thread.

The point i was tryin to make, is that if they OP had been aware of your views on masturbation, then she may not have valued your opinions in quite the same light, no offence.

I really dont see how she's respressing the guilt either, she's actively addressing it on here! Correct, the OP should be exposed to as many views as possible, but the rationale behind these views could be equally important in justifying its relevance or weight.

philologos

givyjoe81 wrote: »

You seem to allude to the fact that you view porn as evil? Considering your reaction to jebus's statement? Care to develop on that point?

My views aren't for discussion. I'm merely saying that if the OP feels guilty after doing this, she should ask why she feels this way instead of brushing it under the carpet. I don't think it is wise to suppress ones conscience.

givyjoe81 wrote: »

The reason i ask, is again as i stated earlier, i do not think the OP should be following your advice as your personal beliefs, should you care to expand upon them, i have a feeling would be extreme to say the least and not particularly relevant or helpful to the OP.

I don't consider my views extreme. I am giving the OP my advice because I think it could be a great help to her if she is having a problem with this to prevent an addiction forming in the future. I'm starting to think the real issue is that you do not believe that it is possible to have such an addiction. I'm giving the advice to her because I feel that she should explore her own boundaries concerning how she feels instead of suppressing them.

givyjoe81 wrote: »

But i would not dare to speak for herself, i just dont think views, beliefs etc that are going to make the OP feel even more guilty, unnecessarily so too, are of any benefit to her.

I don't wish to speak for her. My advice is here amongst yours. The OP will decide what is right for her. I don't seek to have her automatically adopt my advice, rather I want her to find out what is best for her using her own thought. That is the rationale of my advice. To have her find her own conclusion on this.

I also don't wish to have the OP feel more guilty, however I think she should ask why she feels this way instead of ignoring it. I also think that she should be wary at the very least against an addiction forming.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Jakkass wrote: »

The OP has raised questions of addiction, and guilt. Suppressing guilt is harmful without adequate exploration of what is motivating it. I don't see how it is medical advice at all. I am not surprised at the reaction however, I knew my post was going to be controversial, but the OP has already appreciated that there was some value in my posts.

I think the OP should make an informed decision, and be exposed to all viewpoints, even those which would differ from the views given by many others on this thread.

I only said medical because its such a natural and human thing to do. Kids do it long before they've heard of sex, animals do it.

I certainly think there was some value in your post for the OP. I only take issue with the fact you were supportive of ceasing masturbation.

philologos

I'm just looking for the OP to give alternative views similar thought. I've done that. However of course the thread has resorted to the tired old nonsense that it isn't healthy for people to abstain. I'm merely saying if the OP wants entire freedom from her guilt, I'm telling her its possible, and that plenty of other people live their lives without this until they are in the situation by which to become commit themselves with a partner that they genuinely love, and she has the option to do so as well. Surely this is better than becoming dependant on porn?

medeame

I am astounded by some of the advice.
Yes some very good, other stuff, way to deep and searching for psycological or addictive behaviour when feeling periods of feeling sexy or turned on is a perfectly normal natural state of being human.

I do not beleive ANYONE who says they do not masturbate ( i would say it is a lie OR you have a serious outlook probably grounded in church guilt or straight laced parents or unfortunatelly even abuse)

Whatever you do to satisfy yourself, as long as it is not hurting anyone including yourself, go for it, 'whatever floats your boat' to get you off. Lay back and enjoy, many of us have periods of months & years when we are not in relationships. Pleasuring oneself is exactly what it says on the tin

Latchy

I agree ,some very deep and OTT advice here .Of course OP has the option to abstain from doing what she does ,just as smokers wishing to become non smokers have the choice .Part of ' the addcition ' in OP's case is the enjoyment as much as the guilt which leaves her with a dilemma .She states that masurbation with her own imagination , without viewing porn , gives her more control .Like she is the director ,producer and editor of her own erotic thoughts .Once you remove any outdated guilt or taboo issues it just becomes another form of pleasure and enjoyment ,like any other human activity .

philologos

Latchy wrote: »

Once you remove any outdated guilt or taboo issues it just becomes another form of pleasure and enjoyment ,like any other human activity .

I don't think condescending the OP and her guilt on an issue is really fair. This should be ultimately about her dealing with how she feels rather than people telling her to just suppress her guilt and "move on".

Who is qualified to discern whether something is outdated? What standard do we use to determine what is outdated?

LegacyUser

I'm never going to quit masturbating. I like it. Debate amongst yourselves, but personally I need it.

What was in question here was not my need to engage in a bit of 'me' time, or my 'need' to indulge in a bit of porn (I definitely don't classify it as a need. I was grand without it for 23 odd years), but more the feelings associated with doing that. Guilt, shame, self disgust, regret.

I'm not a religious person. I had the standard Irish Catholic upbringing, but never really thought the ultra conservative view of sex that comes with that infiltrated right through to my own attitude towards sex, until these feelings came.

Sex to me is something fun, erotic and wonderful, and for me it has always involved emotions or at least a level of connection beyond it just being purely physical. With my imagination, I get to indulge that, with porn, not so much. Same thing with one night stands. They were just about the act itself, and that didn't sit well with me.

To be brutally honest and maybe a little crude, lack of a sex life has led to me being increasingly horny lately, and porn seems like the most 'efficient' method of dealing with this instead of lying back and setting the scene, as it were. That can take a while. Turns out, however, I've not accounted for my principles in all of this, so maybe I need to go back to that old reliable.

And yes, I probably do need to get out more. !!

(I'm blaming the job. But that's a whole new thread...)

I_am_Jebus

Unregistered wrote: »

I'm never going to quit masturbating. I like it. Debate amongst yourselves, but personally I need it.

What was in question here was not my need to engage in a bit of 'me' time, or my 'need' to indulge in a bit of porn (I definitely don't classify it as a need. I was grand without it for 23 odd years), but more the feelings associated with doing that. Guilt, shame, self disgust, regret.

I'm not a religious person. I had the standard Irish Catholic upbringing, but never really thought the ultra conservative view of sex that comes with that infiltrated right through to my own attitude towards sex, until these feelings came.

Sex to me is something fun, erotic and wonderful, and for me it has always involved emotions or at least a level of connection beyond it just being purely physical. With my imagination, I get to indulge that, with porn, not so much. Same thing with one night stands. They were just about the act itself, and that didn't sit well with me.

To be brutally honest and maybe a little crude, lack of a sex life has led to me being increasingly horny lately, and porn seems like the most 'efficient' method of dealing with this instead of lying back and setting the scene, as it were. That can take a while. Turns out, however, I've not accounted for my principles in all of this, so maybe I need to go back to that old reliable.

And yes, I probably do need to get out more. !!

(I'm blaming the job. But that's a whole new thread...)

Assuming it's movies (porn) that you watch rather than looking at pics etc... have you tried to get the best of both worlds - wherein you watch the movie etc... to get/keep you going but then also to picture yourself in the movie being the benefactor of the particular act(s) that are being played out on the screen?

In that way you can get aroused (as in faster than you would just using your own imagination (as you said earlier)) but also take your own control of the situation and "finish" in your own world (imagination)?

Latchy

Jakkass wrote: »

I don't think condescending the OP and her guilt on an issue is really fair. This should be ultimately about her dealing with how she feels rather than people telling her to just suppress her guilt and "move on".

Who is qualified to discern whether something is outdated? What standard do we use to determine what is outdated?

Outdated would be seen by many to be a train of thought as used to describe to people how to deal with situations that just dont fit into modern day thinking ,although each to his / her own .If your brought up as has being suggested by other poster in say a strict religious background ( only using as example ) were sexual activity either with somebody else or by yourself is viewed as sinful ( except as in the norm of marriage ) and you as an individual have difficultys dealing with and surpressing sexual desire outside that , ( as many single people ,religious or nay will have ) then obiously guilt will play it's part in how you deal with it .Not to say there is anything worng with a religious upbringing ,Morals of course are good .But from a sexual point of view ,individual people are more inclined to go with what feels right to them were previous generations would have terrible hang ups dealing with it . .I use to when younger have a problem similar to OP .I dont have that problem now .That is my slant on it

Badahaha

Hey OP, your post could almost have been me speaking, except that I'm a 22 year-old male. I've only had sex once in the last year, since a long-term relationship ended. It wasn't quite a one-night stand as we'd been on a few dates, but it was similar enough in that I was only attracted to the girl physichally, and not emotionally or as a friend etc... Although the sex was great, I felt a bit **** after and wanted to leave straight away(missed my ex and being in a relationship) and basically decided that one-night stands/sex with people that I don't really like/love wasn't for me. Despite being a good-looking bloke I havnt seemed to have met anyone so turned to porn as a more regular option.

I've found myself watching way more porn in the last year, especialy around exam times to relieve tension. Often felt dirty or like I've let myself down after watching porn, and would tell myself to cut it out or at least cut down. So then I would feel even worse, because I think a lot of it may be about self-discipline. I think these are all big reasons while you're feeling bad about it. You feel like it's an easy option that you succumb to and you feel almost lazy/indisciplined after you watch it. And also it makes you feel lonely as you miss the intimacy of a relationship, and the mindless ****ing on your computer screen makes sex seem empty meaningless seedy and carnal, when it used to be something beautiful, meaningful and emotional (without sounding too corny). But its not a bad thing to do its just a release. Its only bad when it seems like you may be depending on this release too much and taking the easy option and living an almost 'virtual' lovelife. But you (like me) don't like one-night stands and its not like its all that easy to find the right person, so I would say don't worry about it - don't let it be something like you feel you have to control, it's normal. This will stop you feeling like you've let yourself down.

I don't think there's any major harm in watching it, but I was a little worried when I found myself watching it regularly (e.g once a day). I've started just watching in moderation, basically onec or twice a week, and would masturbate more frequently without porn than with it. This way it doesn't have the same element of control over you but you can still enjoy it. This could be a solution for you as well perhaps?

Basically porn is fine. From the sounds of it its not at the level that its stopping you from finding a proper relationship or hindering your life. Accept it as normal, watch it occassionly and continue to fantasise as well. This way its not taking control, and if its not taking control then you probably won't feel so bad about it.

Kipperhell

OP
Be warned on some advise been given here as it is coming from people who have extreme religious views.

The guilty feelings are relatively natural given the general upbringing by "moral" people. The only point of guilt is if it has a purpose such as driving you to change. If guilt is making you unhappy and not driving change it is pretty pointless and destructive. At some point everybody needs to decide their own morality. If that means taking another persons moral view or joining a group and following there rules so be it. Psychology says masturbation is quite normal. It may interfere with relationships if it prevents you from developing intimacy but that is in extreme cases.

Many people use morality to beat themselves up and I think that is worse than loving ones self.

LegacyUser

Jakkass wrote: »

In the Western world in particular we have become acquainted with the view that sex is merely an activity like eating and drinking

What??? Have you been to Africa? Have you been to Jamaica? Any of the islands? Believe me, if you think the Western world treats sex like eating you really haven't traveled.

OP, It's perfectly natural and a great relief. My wife watches porn when I am away, she doesn't bother clearing the history anymore and we couldn't be happier. Perfectly natural, your guilt may be just a latent catholic school guilt lurking somewhere.