What happens to me next?

LegacyUser

i think i've been having a kind of mental breakdown for the past few weeks. i've been depressed, crying all the time, panicking, angry, stressed and anxious and unable to cope with anything. i seem to swoop between moods so quickly and violently that it scares me. i have repetitive negative thoughts all the time whenever i'm just trying to get on with something normal, like walking home from doing the shopping and just thinking "i wish i was dead i wish i was dead i wish i was dead". whenever i think of the things that used to give me pleasure - art and music and socialising - i have this uncontrollable urge to stab or slash myself with a knife. i'm really scared and constantly self conscious and feeling guilty about things and cringing when i think about myself trying to do anything positive.

i've been feeling a bit like this sometimes for as long as i can remember, but its come to a head in the last few weeks when my boyfriend and i started having trouble. he's unhappy with our relationship because i have been too stressed out/not in the mood/depressed to have sex, and i'm not fun to be around sometimes and i've been neglecting his feelings because i've been so obsessed with myself.

he suggested i should try and get counseling, so i went to my GP today to she what she thought. i only slept an hour last night and had the appointment first thing in the morning, so i was mess and just trying to get through the appointment so i could go home and sleep. so i think i played it down a lot about how i've been feeling, and mostly just stressed the fact i haven't been sleeping and that i'm really anxious all the time. she wanted to prescribe me sleeping pills but i said i wanted to try just using antihistamines instead because they'd be gentler. we talked about if it might be because of me starting the pill a few months ago, and i wish that it was and maybe it contributes a bit, but i've got a feeling it goes a lot deeper than that. so she said i should try counseling and if it doesn't work out maybe try antidepressants. so i went away with some antihistamines and a bunch of selfhelp websites to look at (but i'm way too cynical) and she said she'd get me a referral to a counselor and call me back about it.

but she called back and said that someone at the counseling place she was going to send me in on maternity leave and that they're not taking any referrals! and then she suggested i go to a voluntary counselor at a community center instead. now i feel like i've been brushed off and i don't really know what to do next. i was ok with the idea of going to a grown up legitimate counselor, but the idea of going to a voluntary counselor at a community outreach center makes me feel like a lunatic. i dont know why but to me it just seems so much worse than going to a regular counselor.

i'm on the medical card and i don't have a ton of money right now, and i know most counselors are €70+, but i would be able to pay for a couple of sessions myself if i thought they would be worth it. i just don't know anymore.
i was really hoping the doctor would say "oh you poor thing, i know exactly whats wrong. go and see this person right away and take these pills so you can stop feeling like this", but it was more like "have you tried meditation or yoga? drinking warm milk can help you sleep" as if i haven't been through all of that obvious stuff already for years. i've spent tons of time and money on yoga and meditation and trying self help crap but at the end of the day they usually just make me feel like more of a crazy person. i just want to feel happy more often and stop ruining my relationships by being so paranoid and self obsessed.

can i get a counselor without having a referral from my doctor? how would i go about finding one? i don't want to go back to my GP now because i feel like i'm wasting her time and that i'll just be put on a waiting list for a counselor and then this will just drag on for months with me feeling more and more mental as time goes on. maybe i'm expecting too much from counseling? i just want to feel good again. i've been doing an online CBT course the doctor recommended, but i'm just finding it all really patronising. i'm 26, i want to talk to a professional adult about it and stop feeling like a silly teenager doing online quizzes that don't amount to anything or like the local crazy woman who shouts at her bins and gets meals on wheels from the community center.

sorry this is so long, if anyone has been able to read this far, my main point in writing this was to find out where i should go or who i should talk to next?

jetski

Print off your post and go again....

Crannog

You don't need a referral from your doctor. There is an on-line directory of qualified and accredited counsellors available from the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (IACP):-

http://www.irish-counselling.ie/

Best of luck.

Real_Sircharles

Seems like something is obviously playing on your mind.

Are you satisfied with the direction your life is going?
Do you get job satisfaction?

I don't know, something is troubling you. Maybe you'd be better at picking this out than me. Im in a similar situation, mine's career based.

barkingmadlolly

OP I understand what you are going through. i would strongly recomend that you check out the resources available at www.aware.ie and see if you could attend one of their meetings.

Best of luck, I know it all seems too much right now but take each day at a time and you can work through this

LegacyUser

OP - please go back to your doctor & tell them what's really going on with you. Dont play down any aspect of it as there is absolutely no point. Then they will be able to deal with the real problem & not just a sleeping/anxiety issue as it is obviously more than that. Please look after yourself.

katiemaloe

My heart goes out to you.... I think you are depressed and should def check out about taking medication and maybe councelling too. Im no doctor but I really don't think yoga and warm milk is the answer when you are this upset. Maybe go to a different doctor and tell them the details you have posted here..... ask about medication and councelling. There is no need to feel this yuck.... there is lots of help out there and well done on taking the first step and talking about it here. Cyber hug to you!

sachamama

well done on taking the first steps yes indeed. but you need to stay true to yourself now. i'm sure you felt a lot better after posting here. keep in that mode of truth and honesty with yourself and when you go to someone for help, be honest with them too. counselling is confidential and you should feel safe enough to speak it all out, and feel heard.

I don't think you need another doctor or another visit to your doctor to "tell the truth" its all symptoms of the problem at hand. Take it easy on yourself and continue on this pathway, and if you do feel you need to go back to the doctor as you don't feel better, go back.

when you choose and call a counsellor from the list on the website given by Crannog, ask them if they have a sliding scale for payments. Tell them that you can't afford to come perhaps as many sessions as you might need to if you start off paying €70. Many counsellors can adjust their rate, even for a few sessions, if they have enough clients at the higher end of the scale.

Walk slowly with small steps but in the right direction. sending warmth and light.

Doghouse

If you feel your GP didn't do enough then you should go back to her and tell her that you need more urgent help. Make sure and tell her about all your symptoms - including the mood swings, anger, thoughts of self-harm etc. You can also request a referral to a psychiatrist although you'll most likely be faced with the choice between going private or facing a long waiting list. It might however be very useful for you to have an expert assessment of whether you need drugs or therapy or a mixture of both. If you feel you're not getting adequate help then push for it. Counselling can be great but it's not sufficient in all cases.

LegacyUser

Hi
I needed counselling and i looked up the address below. You type in what county you are in and it lists the details of Psychotherapist's in your area. I am still getting counselling and I find it a brilliant help for me. I had similar feelings to you, also the lack of sleep, anxious, worrying about little things but after some weeks of counselling I am learning so much about myself and seeing things from a different perspective. My Psychotherapist costs €60. For me its the best €60 I spend. I can waste that much on drink and have nothing to show for it. I live in the West of Ireland so prices may vary.

Best of luck with things. I had been so so down but gradually I got back to myself

http://www.irish-counselling.ie/

LegacyUser

i also went through alot of what you've described. i have been to many councellors and doctors and was put on medication for depression etc. after some time walking around in a sleep wel say...i asked professionals to reduce medication. got nowhere. it seems they want business and appointments and want me coming back often! so i decided to take on my own health. this is not recommended but i slowly reduced medication until i didnt take any of it. im taking no medication for over a year now. sometimes you know whats best for you. i substitued exercise for medication. i decided to get really fit..ive now lots of energy, look brilliant, hence more confidence..have a great positive attitude. of course the doctors wont tell you that. the sterotypical way of handling these difficulties nowadays is the prescription pad. its all too easy! think about it!

from my experience with this, dont look outward for solutions. if you do, you will be send on a goose chase wondering what treatment is best for you and not too mention a hole in your pocket.
my advice exercise, exercise, exercise. you'll be so wreked that you wont even know what anxiety means. it does help. plus its free and natural...
good luck...
p.s keep it up, its not just about doing it for 3-4 days.
after 3 weeks of regular daily exercise and healthy diet, compare yourself to then and now!
take care

LegacyUser

hey
really sorry to hear your feeling this way! ive been there!

by any chance are you on the pill? if so which one??

LegacyUser

Just wanted to say that you have described me totally.

I went to a doctor first, and like you I held back completely on how I felt. To the point the doctor said 'your'e a pretty girl you'll be ok!! They gave me a card for some cbt clinic. Took me ages to build up the courage to call as it meant saying out loud i knew i had a problem. I had to call there a few times before i reached anyone and when i finally did i didn't feel comfortable from the beginning so i left it. I have since heard from other people who say it may take you a while to find a counsellor who will suit you. Try one but don't fell obliged to stick with them. If you don't feel like you will develop a good relationship with them just try another one.

Went to the ifc medical centre and the nurse gave me a card for a counsellor (mary keating i think). I only went twice. But she was very good. Like you I wanted her to just give me a hug and tell me everything would be ok and sort me out. But that wasn't her style which looking back was a good thing as I needed to help myself. She let me do all the talking and was good in directing me. I held back the first time, was pinching my hand under the table to hold back tears!! Was more comfortable the next time. She recommended I write my thoughts in a diary as it helped hightlight issues. As I had a problem communicating things as it was. She also recommened eating better and getting exercise etc.

I am still writting in my diary now anytime I feel the need. I just go off on a tangent and it helps relieve my worries/problems. I know I will need to go back to her again to keep myself on the right track. But I find the diary helps me for now.

So feel free to try the same lady as a starting point. If she is not for you try another one. And yes it was €70, well worth every penny.

Good luck and you have already taken the first step which is the hardest part

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

hey
really sorry to hear your feeling this way! ive been there!

by any chance are you on the pill? if so which one??

hi, OP here.
yeah, i was on the pill (microlite) my GP said its lighter than most combined pills so that it shouldn't effect me too much, but it had more dramatic physical effects than i've had with any other brand (breasts enlarging by a half a cupsize in 1 week), so i'm almost positive it must be contributing some crazy hormones into the mixture of stress and anxiety. i stopped taking it this week, so i'm hoping things might start to calm down.

i haven't been back to the GP yet, its the silliest thing, when i feel depressed i'm too depressed to do anything at all, i can hardly eat or move. and then suddenly i'll feel so completely fine, almost on top of the world that i can hardly understand why i felt so bad the day or two before. so when i'm feeling good i just want to get on with the things i couldn't do on the day i was feeling bad, so the last thing i want to deal with is talking to a doctor about feeling bad because i think that i won't even be able to remember what it was all about.

i promised i'd start calling doctors tomorrow and try and get a handle on things, although i get really stressed and down trying to deal with them.

thanks for everyones input.

sachamama

dont put pressure on yourself for everything to be perfect, give yourself the space to go through whatever changes you are going through. we can be our own worst enemies. take things one day at a time, well done for taking the next step to go to see a doctor.