Worried about Overprotected friend.

HouseHippo

I have an 18 year old friend due to start college this September.
Her parents are scarily overprotective. For her 18th birthday she wasn't allowed to go out as everyone else did,instead she has a sleepover with her 15 year old cousin,me and 2 other friends(who both left from boredom) She wasn't allowed alcohol,neither were we and her mam was in and out of the room listening to our conversations.
She isn't allowed any contact with boys,she has never even hugged one.
She has to be home from town at 6pm tops. (and her mam rings her like 50 times when she is out)
She is being brought to her debs by her mam,collected after the dinner(Not allowed near the nightclub)
She isn't allowed go out to pubs and clubs etc at all, no music festivals, her mam brings her to gigs.
She isn't allwoed around to friends houses etc.


She is being majorly left behind and i'm afraid she is going to be miserable in college. She is missing out on a normal teenage life. Her mother is constantly putting her down,she is an overbearing judgemental control freak.
Gradually all her friends are growing up and levaing her out as it is in fairness really difficult to deal with.When you go out with her she doesn't know what bus to get, where it goes etc.
How is she ever going to cope in the real world,have fun,fall in love etc. Her mother allows her to do nothing.


She has also developed this bizzare obsession with sex and is on internet chat rooms having cyber sex with randomers and watching loads of porn! its all she ever does. IShe is so naive she doesn't realise the 19 year old Australian could be a 65 year old pervert!

What can I do to help her?? Or should i just mind my own.

Adamisconfused

I think the most important thing in your post was the fact that this girl is eighteen. She’s an adult and moving to college will be her time to break away from her overbearing mother.
A difficulty would arise if her mother plays the old financial support card. However, I seriously doubt any parent would cut their child off from essential income. She needs to call her mother’s bluff and get a life herself. A part time job while in college as well as a grant would see her through. Life mightn’t be as easy as that, but each of us have to leave the nest at some stage and support ourselves. I don’t remember being handed a cheque as I walked out the door to start my own life.

Finally, this is her problem so be there for her, but don’t let it adversely affect your life.

Also, where is her father in all this?

HouseHippo

Adamisconfused wrote: »

I think the most important thing in your post was the fact that this girl is eighteen. She’s an adult and moving to college will be her time to break away from her overbearing mother.
A difficulty would arise if her mother plays the old financial support card. However, I seriously doubt any parent would cut their child off from essential income. She needs to call her mother’s bluff and get a life herself. A part time job while in college as well as a grant would see her through. Life mightn’t be as easy as that, but each of us have to leave the nest at some stage and support ourselves. I don’t remember being handed a cheque as I walked out the door to start my own life.

Finally, this is her problem so be there for her, but don’t let it adversely affect your life.

Also, where is her father in all this?

She only lives a half an hour away from the college so she wont be moving out,also she isn't allowed to get a job, I tried to get her one before but her mam wouldn't let her.

He is just as bad as the mother,an army man,really regimented

liah

She's eighteen. Not being allowed to get a job doesn't factor in anymore. Not being allowed to do anything doesn't factor in anymore, tbh.

Does she not have any mates she can room with for awhile so she can get a job and get her freedom?

Can't stand people who shelter their kids that much. It's just going to make them completely hopeless when they get into the real world. Street sense means just as much as education, imo.

Someone's gotta get her out of there.

Adamisconfused

I’m sorry, but you can only push someone as far as they’re willing to be pushed.
If she wants a life then she needs to act in an independent fashion herself. If she doesn’t say what she wants then she can only blame herself. Simply complying with rules when you’re an adult is unacceptable. At her age, she should be making up her own mind about what she wants to do and then just doing it.
If she wants to take the softly, softly approach then when she gets to college, she should join some clubs and simply say to her parents that she’ll not be home until such and such a time and then leave it at that. If you cave in to people then they will always call the shots. Seriously, what can they do? Drag her to her room and lock her in? Beat her up?
They’ll do nothing of the sort. They’ll bluster on for as long as she’s willing to listen.
She doesn’t need to break the barriers down and leave home. She just needs to push them out a bit until she is ready to care for herself.
By the sound of it, she may be stuck in a rut herself and might be too cowardly and easily brow beaten.

HouseHippo

Adamisconfused wrote: »

I’m sorry, but you can only push someone as far as they’re willing to be pushed.
If she wants a life then she needs to act in an independent fashion herself. If she doesn’t say what she wants then she can only blame herself. Simply complying with rules when you’re an adult is unacceptable. At her age, she should be making up her own mind about what she wants to do and then just doing it.
If she wants to take the softly, softly approach then when she gets to college, she should join some clubs and simply say to her parents that she’ll not be home until such and such a time and then leave it at that. If you cave in to people then they will always call the shots. Seriously, what can they do? Drag her to her room and lock her in? Beat her up?
They’ll do nothing of the sort. They’ll bluster on for as long as she’s willing to listen.
She doesn’t need to break the barriers down and leave home. She just needs to push them out a bit until she is ready to care for herself.
By the sound of it, she may be stuck in a rut herself and might be too cowardly and easily brow beaten.

I've said these things to her. I told her your parents cabnt control your life forever and she makes up all these mad excuses. Her 15 year old sister doesn't have any of it and I see her out all the time. She just wont listen her mam tells her me and my friends are tearaaways and will all end up drug addicts and pregnant etc she thinks her family are normal and we are wrong. I don't know how to get it into her head

legend365

HouseHippo wrote: »

I have an 18 year old friend due to start college this September.
Her parents are scarily overprotective.
She isn't allowed any contact with boys,she has never even hugged one.
She has to be home from town at 6pm
She is being brought to her debs by her mam
She isn't allowed go out to pubs and clubs

Her mother allows her to do nothing.

HouseHippo wrote: »

She has also developed this bizzare obsession with sex and is on internet chat rooms having cyber sex with randomers and watching loads of porn! its all she ever does. IShe is so naive she doesn't realise the 19 year old Australian could be a 65 year old pervert!

These seem to go hand in hand.

Do her parents know the're effectivley messing her up? (IMO anyway)

HouseHippo

legend365 wrote: »

These seem to go hand in hand.

Do her parents know the're effectivley messing her up? (IMO anyway)

No they think they are doing th right thing,I totally agree with you tho.
Sex is a TOTAL taboo in her house i think its definitely a direct result. Her mam caught her masturbating and punished her

dudara

Just let her be. She is going to have to want to break away from this, not just because you want her to. Hopefully college will open her eyes a little.

HouseHippo

dudara wrote: »

Just let her be. She is going to have to want to break away from this, not just because you want her to. Hopefully college will open her eyes a little.

What about her meeting up with weirdos from chat sites tho...I cant just let that happen

Nevyn

She is not your responsiblity, you are not her keeper, she is an adult and some times it takes sticking your hand in the fire before you learn.
Hopefully she won't get badly burnt and she will learn from it.

HouseHippo

Thaedydal wrote: »

She is not your responsiblity, you are not her keeper, she is an adult and some times it takes sticking your hand in the fire before you learn.
Hopefully she won't get badly burnt and she will learn from it.

Ok but if she gets kidnapped murdered or raped it will be me her mother will blame

Nevyn

HouseHippo wrote: »

Ok but if she gets kidnapped murdered or raped it will be me her mother will blame

oh please no need for such dramatics, and it's not as if you are that concerned about what her mother thinks of you anyway as you have no respect for her or how she has chosen to rear her daughter.

If I were you I would be more concerned that your friend doesn't get knocked up, and sti and has a get out plan sorted.

You can try help her make better informed decisions even if you don't agree whit them.

HouseHippo

Thaedydal wrote: »

oh please no need for such dramatics, and it's not as if you are that concerned about what her mother thinks of you anyway as you have no respect for her or how she has chosen to rear her daughter.

If I were you I would be more concerned that your friend doesn't get knocked up, and sti and has a get out plan sorted.

You can try help her make better informed decisions even if you don't agree whit them.

Did you not read my post at all...she has never been with a guy but he is planning to meet up with STRANGERS she met on THE INTERNET...in CHATROOMS
Are you trying to tell me something really bad couldn't happen to her...its extremely worrying behaviour....these people could be anyone...anyone who needs to have the net for a social life is bound to be a bit odd anyway and these guys are ALOT OLDER THAN HER....they could be PAEDOPHILES, the site in question Omegle is well known for being full of predators....Well Known!!!

Its not amateur dramatics. and you haven't had her mother knocking at your door annoying your grandparents.Everytime something happens to her i get the blame

dudara

HouseHippo wrote: »

Ok but if she gets kidnapped murdered or raped it will be me her mother will blame

No it won't be. You're not your friend, and you're not her mother. The fact that her life is different to yours doesn't mean that she has to conform to yours.

Serious question here so think hard and answer it as objectively as you can: Do you think that she is aware of what internet forums and chat rooms can contain? Is she really that naive?

Nevyn

HouseHippo wrote: »

Did you not read my post at all...she has never been with a guy but he is planning to meet up with STRANGERS she met on THE INTERNET...in CHATROOMS

Yes I have and over the last 13 years of being on the internet I have meetup with lots of people over the years and I have NEVER heard of anyone being kidnapped/killed/raped due to that it is scare mongering and alarmist stranger dangering.

HouseHippo wrote: »

Are you trying to tell me something really bad couldn't happen to her...

She could leave her house tomorrow and get hit by a truck.

HouseHippo wrote: »

its extremely worrying behaviour....these people could be anyone...anyone who needs to have the net for a social life is bound to be a bit odd anyway

Way to go to tar a huge ammount of people who use this site.

HouseHippo wrote: »

and these guys are ALOT OLDER THAN HER....they could be PAEDOPHILES,

And here is the big sacrey word, look she is 18 she is not a child a proper pedo would have no interest in her.

HouseHippo wrote: »

the site in question Omegle is well known for being full of predators....Well Known!!!

IF she is online looking for someone to have her first sexual encounter with then she is not a victim.

HouseHippo wrote: »

Its not amateur dramatics. and you haven't had her mother knocking at your door annoying your grandparents.Everytime something happens to her i get the blame

And here we have the ROOT of the issues.

Your mate is acting out cos her mother is too strict and you are being blamed as a bad influence and your grandparents with whom you have a strained and estranged relationship with are cracking down on you because of here.

I suggest you distance yourself form her if you do not agree with what she is doing so that you are not blamed.

Greenmachine

Your friend is 18 and has to live her own life. While you don't agree with her Mothers over protective nature it her that has to put her foot down and insist on being giving some responsibility and trust. Sure she is sexually curious and who knows if she will actually meet any of these strangers that she is actually talking to on the web. She is 18 now afterall and has to accept responsibily for her own actions. She is her own keeper and is already over sheltered by her mum. Suggest some activities you can do together during the day. If she wants her freedom enough she will get it.

Lollipops23

OP everyone's mates do stuff that we sometimes don't agree with. But the bottom line is,the girl is legally an adult. She might need to get hurt(emotionally) or scared to help her see the light and grow the fúck up.

If her mother comes to your home annoying your grandparents I'd actually confront her. Tell her a)you had nothing to do with it b)you don't appreciate her disturbing your grandparents and as you're an adult she can speak with you 1 to 1. don't let her walk over you,but be respectful. if she still tries to confront your grandparents then threaten her with the Gardai for harassment. you may lose your friend,but perhaps distancing is a good thing.

HouseHippo

Lollipops23 wrote: »

OP everyone's mates do stuff that we sometimes don't agree with. But the bottom line is,the girl is legally an adult. She might need to get hurt(emotionally) or scared to help her see the light and grow the fúck up.

If her mother comes to your home annoying your grandparents I'd actually confront her. Tell her a)you had nothing to do with it b)you don't appreciate her disturbing your grandparents and as you're an adult she can speak with you 1 to 1. don't let her walk over you,but be respectful. if she still tries to confront your grandparents then threaten her with the Gardai for harassment. you may lose your friend,but perhaps distancing is a good thing.

Yeah thats a good idea, my grandparents are a bit old for all that ****e like

LegacyUser

HouseHippo wrote: »

I've said these things to her. I told her your parents cabnt control your life forever and she makes up all these mad excuses. Her 15 year old sister doesn't have any of it and I see her out all the time. She just wont listen her mam tells her me and my friends are tearaaways and will all end up drug addicts and pregnant etc she thinks her family are normal and we are wrong. I don't know how to get it into her head

So your friend thinks her family are normal and you are all wrong?

There's your answer. Leave this girl alone to grow up in her own time. By all means be her friend but concentrate on your own life.