Meeting the one in your late 30's

SarahSassy

Hi Ladies

I have a lot of single friends in their mid - late 30's - 36 / 37 / 38 who are long term single. They are finding it hard to meet men. DO you find it the same?

One of them has met a fantastic man who treats her like a princess and they have a fab relationship but he is not sure if wants to have more kids and she thinks she would like to but with him.....

Would you at 37 / 38 leave him and take your chances meeting someone new, who you could click with, love and who would possible also want to have kids etc all before your biological clock runs out.

So bottom line do women in late 30's find it hard to meet a man and if you had met a fab man, who is very good to you, would you leave him to take your chance elsewhere to have kids.

Would not like to be her...

sunflower27

Hi Sarah

I'm 36 and single and yes, it is somewhat difficult I suppose as a lot of men this age are already married etc. I'm very sociable so would meet plenty of men but it's finding someone I click with and really like that is important for me. I wouldnt say I'm super fussy but I need to meet a man with a sense of humour that can challenge me - and they seem to be few and far between at the moment;)

I went through a spate in my late-20s early-30s of constantly being in bad relationships. It took its toll and I decided a few years ago to take a real break from relationships. It did me the world of good because I realised I was quite co-dependent till then.

I dont want children (I've known since mid-20s) so I dont feel the pressure that some of my friends my age feel.

I'm not worried about meeting someone, dont know why really, I'm just not.... it will happen at some point!

I have friends in relationships, of course, but I dont envy them. Relationships end every day and just because they are with someone now doesnt mean they will be forever. Nothing in life is guaranteed. That's why I never got the term 'smug married'?!?!

I'm really happy on my own - first time I've really felt like this so I'm probably more likely to meet someone, but in the meantime, am I going to sit around bemoaning the fact I have no-one to cook for or have to sit through soccer matches with? Nah

I'm off out with a single (divorced) friend for a few drinks tonight. I certainly dont care about beings single and most my single friends are the same.

I'm not in that age bracket.
But trying to have a family is important for me, if it did come right down to it.
I would put sharing that life goal before romantic love, but never before treating me with respect.


I couldn't imagine that kind of relationship working out for me, because I know I would always resent that descision on his part.

Beth1978

Hi OP

I'm in my early 30's and single...and YES I find it incredibly hard to meet men. I'm just not into the pub/club scene and am very shy so find it hard to meet new people. Not sure what the solution is but am joining clubs, etc. I feel if you didn't find 'that guy' in your mid to late twenties and start a long term relationship, that it is very difficult to find one in your thirties.

As for having kids....I think your friend should think long and hard about this one. Will she end up resenting her partner at a later stage when she looks back? Obviously having a child is important to her and she needs to decide whether she can suppress that feeling and would be happy to stay with just him...or whether she should move on and find someone who wants a family.

SarahSassy

Do you not think the chances of her meeting a guy at 38, falling in love to the level she is in love with her OH and him wanting kids and her being able to have kids, are slim. Time is her enemy here and I dont know what to advise her.

I genuinely think the chance of meeting someone else in time to have a family with him is quite low and a very big risk.

sunflower27

SarahSassy wrote: »

Do you not think the chances of her meeting a guy at 38, falling in love to the level she is in love with her OH and him wanting kids and her being able to have kids, are slim. Time is her enemy here and I dont know what to advise her.

I genuinely think the chance of meeting someone else in time to have a family with him is quite low and a very big risk.

realsitically she can have a child into her 40s - I know a few who have. A friend of a friend had her first child at 42, although I admit that is not that common.

You cant really advise her - this is something only she can decide.

It sounds tough though... what's the bigger risk? Staying with him till she's 40 and him saying 'i dont want children'? I would not stay if I really wanted kids. He is going to feel held to ransom and that could destroy the relationship anyway

Stheno

sunflower27 wrote: »

realsitically she can have a child into her 40s - I know a few who have. A friend of a friend had her first child at 42, although I admit that is not that common.

It's becoming more so, I've two friends who both had their first child at 41 and one is now hoping for a second at 43.

My mother had my youngest sister when she was 42 (almost 20 years ago)

I read some study recently that the average age of first time mothers is going up due to the increase in women having their first babies later in life.

sunflower27

nouggatti wrote: »

It's becoming more so, I've two friends who both had their first child at 41 and one is now hoping for a second at 43.

My mother had my youngest sister when she was 42 (almost 20 years ago)

I read some study recently that the average age of first time mothers is going up due to the increase in women having their first babies later in life.

Cheers for that... You learn something new every day . I know a handful of women having children in their 40s, so I know it isnt unheard of, but I didnt think it was that common.

SarahSassy

Well a Doctor told her that 1 in 6 couples have fertility issues. When you are 25 the chances of getting preganant in any one month are 25% and when you are 35 is 10% and reduces year on year thereafter.

Its quite uncommon for a woman to have her FIRST child in her 40's. Does happen but quite uncommon.

sunflower27

SarahSassy wrote: »

Well a Doctor told her that 1 in 6 couples have fertility issues. When you are 25 the chances of getting preganant in any one month are 25% and when you are 35 is 10% and reduces year on year thereafter.

Its quite uncommon for a woman to have her FIRST child in her 40's. Does happen but quite uncommon.

That's true, when I turned 35 my doctor told me I could go on to a lower dose pill as my fertility was on the decline...

SarahSassy

Yep, chances are quite slim of having kids. Do you hold onto a fab relationship or leave him and try to meet someone new to have kids, given those odds of having kids....

winking weber

Do these threads in LL and PI put the sh1ts up anyone else? where they did not exist before?

SarahSassy

Its not about scaring people. Its asking girls in that age bracket what they would do....

Stheno

SarahSassy wrote: »

Its not about scaring people. Its asking girls in that age bracket what they would do....

Well what struck me about your initial post when I read back on it, is that your friend is in that age bracket and "thinks" she would like to have kids, which I interpreted as, "might want to, but isn't sure"

I think in women of that age group (and I'm 36) you get women who

a. definitely want to have children.
b. Think they might like to have children.
c. don't want to have children.

With women who don't want children obviously it's not an issue given that there is no age constraint.

For women who do want, or think they want children, I would be of the opinion that they really need to think long and hard about what they value most, i.e. would they be happy to have a relationship where they had children but were "settled" with a man so as to do so, or would they prefer to wait to meet their ideal partner, whilst accepting that having children may not be an option in that instance. Once they have thought that true, then that's the decision made essentially, if children are all important to a woman, then that's what they should prioritise, and hope that they do get to have children (not I must emphasise, by any entrapment/dishonesty towards a bloke)


I'm in the "definitely doesn't ever want children camp "


One of the studies I was referring to is here

SarahSassy

I know but this stands out a mile to me

'average age of women at the birth of their first child has risen by one and a half years, to reach 27.1 in 2000. '

Its not 38, 39 or 40 which it would need to be for my friend.

Karen_*

I think she should stick with the bloke SS. I know she'd dearly love children but I would dearly love to win the lottery but I have to accept that that might not happen and embrace the things I do have.

I do know a woman who separated from her husband because he developed an illness and could not have kids. Well he threw himself under a train and ten years later she hasn't met anyone else and she's now in her forties. She really loved him but kids was an issue. I bet if she could turn back time now she would.

Nevyn

SarahSassy wrote: »

I know but this stands out a mile to me

'average age of women at the birth of their first child has risen by one and a half years, to reach 27.1 in 2000. '

Its not 38, 39 or 40 which it would need to be for my friend.

http://www.independent.ie/lifestyle/parenting/increased-birth-risks-for-older-pregnant-women-1742644.html

ncreased birth risks for older pregnant women
Parenting Home
By Eilish O'Regan

Monday May 18 2009

The average age of first-time mothers in Ireland is now around 30 years but what about older women? The most up-to-date figures from the Central Statistics Office for April to June last year show 869 women over the age of 40 years registered births during that time.

It comes as a new study has now shed light on what happens to these older mothers once it's time to deliver their baby. The study carried out by researchers at the National Maternity Hospital and the Rotunda Hospital in Dublin compared 171 older women with 181 25-year-olds.

The findings revealed that the caesarean-section rate for older women was nearly twice (39.3pc) as high for women over 40 than the younger mothers (17.7pc). It also showed that the instrumental delivery rate for the older women was 36pc compared to 18pc for the 25-year-olds.

There were also twice as many admissions of infants to the special care baby unit of the hospital for older women "presumably due to pre-term deliveries", said the study.

Well having kids would be an issues for me as in I am 34 I have two kids I don't want any more, end of. So for me it would be about finding someone who wanted to be in a relationship with me but knew that my womb has shut up shop and that's final.

Khannie

To be fair to that quote Thaed, a sample size of 350 people (half on each side) is feckin' useless for inferring anything at all.

edit: Though I acknowledge that there are increased risks of complications as you get older, I just wouldn't be relying on a study with that sample size. My own mother was nearly 40 when I was born. The down side is that you're looking after a punk teenager in your 50's.

Xiney

Thaedydal wrote: »

http://www.independent.ie/lifestyle/parenting/increased-birth-risks-for-older-pregnant-women-1742644.html




Well having kids would be an issues for me as in I am 34 I have two kids I don't want any more, end of. So for me it would be about finding someone who wanted to be in a relationship with me but knew that my womb has shut up shop and that's final.

?

Nevyn

I said my womb not my vagina :P

Xiney

you'll notice that it'd definitely placed in the wombular area!!

b3t4

Another article that I read recently http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2009/jun/15/older-mothers-health-risks

Leading doctors have issued a stark warning that women should become mothers by the age of 35 or face a greater risk of infertility, miscarriage and health problems during pregnancy.

The Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists (RCOG) is urging would-be mothers to have children between the ages of 20 and 35 to minimise the chances of childbirth damaging their own or their baby's health.

It has issued its clearest advice yet on older motherhood, after doctors raised concerns that among the record number of women choosing later parenthood, some are ending up childless because they have ignored their biological clock and left it too late to start a family.

"Delay in childbirth is associated with worsening reproductive outcomes: more infertility and medical co-morbidity, and an increase in maternal and foetal morbidity and mortality," said the college, which represents the UK's 5,148 specialists in childbirth and women's health. "Women who start their family in their 20s or complete it by age 35 face significantly reduced risks."

While women who delayed childbearing should be supported, "they also need to know how fertility and pregnancy outcomes change with age. Biologically, the optimum period for childbearing is between 20 and 35 years of age. Both women and society need to be aware of the possible problems that older mothers may encounter," added the college.

RCOG spokeswoman Melanie Davies, a consultant at University College Hospital in London, said that a woman aged over 40 was between two and three times more likely to lose a baby, for example.

"Our statement has been prompted by concern among obstetricians and gynaecologists because we are seeing more and more [older] women who are confronting the heartbreak of infertility and miscarriage," said Davies. "Every week in my clinic I see women who say 'if only I had known this, I could have planned for this. I wouldn't have postponed my plans for pregnancy'."

The college fears too many women still do not understand that their fertility declines after 35. It wants the NHS and the Department of Health to start alerting the public to the fact that deferred childbirth can mean fertility or pregnancy complications. Schools, colleges, GPs' surgeries, family-planning centres and sexual-health clinics should all issue information to help "ensure that women are aware that, biologically, the best age for childbearing is 20-35 years", said the college.

In addition, GPs and other health professionals should talk to all women over 30 about the effects of ageing on fertility when they talk to them about contraception, for instance, it said.

But the Royal College of Midwives defended women's right to have children as late as their 40s. "We support women in their choice to have a baby in their late 30s and 40s, although pregnancy complications can be more common in older women. They have higher rates of induction of labour and Caesarean births, which present greater risks to both mother and baby. Despite this, we support a woman's decision to choose when to embark upon a pregnancy."

And Susan Seenan of Infertility Network UK, which supports couples who have fertility problems, said: "Delaying having children until you are in your 30s is a choice many women make, and in fact often they are not in a position to have children earlier in life."

However, such women should be aware of "the added problems when trying to conceive, particularly over the age of 35, and should understand that using fertility treatment is not a guarantee of success," she added.

Mary Newburn of the National Childbirth Trust, agreed that women needed "balanced information about the additional risks" of older motherhood. Earlier career breaks for women would help, while shared parental leave should help them feel less under pressure about achieving a certain level of career success before giving birth, she added.

If the woman really wants kids, and there is still the posibility that she could get pregnant, but her partner did not want kids, I think it would be a very hard thing to get past in a relationship. I think the woman would find it very hard to own that decision without placing some recentment into the relationship. If she can own the decision that should she stay with him there is no posibility of children then I think she should go for it.

If the woman only kinda wanted kids then it would be time to weight up the pros and cons of her options. From that she can come to a decision on whether she would be happy to take the real oppurtunity with her current squeeze over the possibility of a child that she isn't even sure she wants.

If the woman doesn't want kids then it's plan sailing.

(Slight on and off topic SATC dealt with this when carrie starting seeing that Russian guy. he didn't want kids and she had deal with someting similar to what you're freind is going through)

A

sunflower27

SS - your friend can always have a child on her own if the desire is still there in a few years and her bloke sayshe doesnt want them.

Being a single parent isnt the end of the world and doesnt mean she wont meet someone else later down the line.

Effigy

very true...single mothers are no big deal these days...as I get older, the thought of accidentally getting pregnant does not mortify me...if it happens it happens...just hope the father is tall, dark and rich.:rolleyes: