33 year old man - bad communicator

LegacyUser

hi all,
i've read hundreds of posts here looking for answers,if its been covered before i'd appreciate it to be pointed in the right direction.
anyway, i'm 33 married nearly 8 years with 3 kids,girl and 2 boys. my wife is 32 and we were going out maybe 18 months when she got pregnant with our daughter over 10 years ago now, all was fine even though things were tough no family support because we were both from the country living in dublin. we decided to emigrate to the us over to a brother of mine who was doing well, i loved it over there but she couldn't settle, she wanted to come home and because of the child and her (i was very selfish over there having a good time...) i came home too. we both wanted more kids but she wanted more security i.e marriage so we got married, bought a nice house and had the 1st boy straight away.

all this time she was becoming more controlling/demanding, i was always busy with work ,sport(s)...but always spent as much time as possible with the family. i gave up soccer and hurling for her but continued football, then i started playing golf and she hates it. we had the 2nd boy 3 years ago and with the the antisocial hours i work and the football (training,matches...) and the golf rows became more frequent. nagging became the norm, i'd withdraw, long periods/days of silence only for kids sake I'd talk. this makes her even madder, we'd sometime argue in front of the kids, she doesn't care when she's in the rage, then i'd crack and shout and storm off. this is what its been like for the past 2 years, we both want to move back out the country for the kids sake and things are nearly in place to do so, but lately i find myself wondering if i want to build a house and live in it with a nagging wife. i've now given up the football too and am trying to cope with the constant demands that a primary provider faces in these uncertain times. we've always had a good sexual relationship but all the rows and nagging have turned me off lately. i still have the high sex drive and have been contemplating cheating for the first time, just for the release, to get away from the demands. she says i can't communicate and i admit i do close off from talking through problems despite being good socially(its a family thing)

it just seems to me that everything i want to do on my own now is a problem to her, golf,going for a pint. i don't want to keep going around in circles with her rowing making up arguing again. its not a good envoirnment for the kids who are old enough to see whats happening. the only way for me to say all this was to write it down so sorry for going on but i need to know what i should do?

LegacyUser

dont cheat.. if u wanted to you would have done it already i think. so dont do it..

maybe a move would be the best thing 4 ye.. u dont say if ye have family friends living around ye.. how does your wife occupy herself maybe she is bored and taking it out on u..

GOLF haha i myself was in the very same situation as you. i couldnt even go golfing with my friends work colleagues without a huge fight.. something had to give.. i bought the missus five golf lessons and the local club and brought her golfing with me. it worked and its something we do together ocassionally now.. i still golf with the lads though!!!!! haha. give it a thought my missus hated golf but things change and there are no more fights.. over golf anyway

Taltos

Defo don't cheat - you might not come back from that one if she finds out. There are other ways to find relief if you catch my drift.

Strongly recommend you both get marriage counselling though.
A good counsellor will help you both with this communication issue and work on the underlying issues. Can imagine with 2 young kids it cannot be easy on either of you - in that kind of stressful situation it is even more important to find a way to talk.

If you just move down the country without working on this first - you run the risk of going even closer to a huge blow-out. Moving as well is one of the most stressful things in anyones life - so get some help now and hopefully get your marriage back on track.

LegacyUser

You dont mention doing anything socially together with your wife. Why dont you have a weekly meal / drink out, just the two of you and go away for the odd night It cant be much fun for her if she's at home with the kids all the time and you're either in work (necessary I know) or golfing/out for a pint with the mates.

VaioCruiser

OP - I regret that you are suffering, I do.

However you don't mention anything about her needs anywhere in this. You play golf, which I know is a huge drain on your time at a weekend. You talk about what you want to do on your own. You don't say anything about what work you do in the house to help your wife . . shopping, cooking, minding the kids, cleaning. What have you been contributing in these areas ? Do you have a house cleaner ? someone to come in a couple of times a week to take the burden off her ? Are you taking her to dinner regularly ? out for time together ?

The sex thing is hardly surprising. Two people cannot make love when they are at each other's throats. Remember that for a wife and mother, cleaning the house, minding children and helping her with her HUGE burden of three young children is the same as foreplay, for her.

All the best

Oh The Humanity

Hi OP,

I would say your wife is probably p1g sick of doing all the grunt work with the kids and would love to be going for pints and playing sports like a single person.

So heres a great idea, why don you give up work and do all the childcare and let her go out and get a job and then spend any spare time enjoying herself.

It will be great, nothing much to do all day except draw up a list of demands for your wife and plan your nagging strategy.

You wont have any of the pressures of a primary provider.....problem solved!

OP, I think you know as well as anyone, you are being disingenous. You are letting your wife take the donkey work and then when she complains about the unfair balance, you have the age old defence of claiming 'stress of being a primary provider' and calling her a nag! Handy old tactic, but a bit hackneyed for anyone to really swallow any more.

If you want more sex, give her a dig out with the kids. Throw in a few suprises.

LegacyUser

op here again. thanks for all the replies, i will probably never cheat on my wife, i'd have too much to lose. after we had our second child my wife gave up full time employment and now works part-time (5 mornings) 40 minutes nearer to home. i've always encouraged her to stay working even if only part-time just to keep open a diferrent envoirnment and to get away from the 3 kids. Because of the nature of my work, i mind our 3 year old 2 mornings every week, and 4 if not 5 days a week i drop and collect the bigger ones from school, music, swimming, football, soccer, athletics, stageschool, rugby. So for some to say i don't help out around the house is unfair. i also try and cook dinner at least once a week and admittedly i can't iron, but i can load/unload the dishwasher, put on a load of washing, hang out clothes, put on a load on the dryer, fix everything in and around the house (being a tradesman helps), cut the grass. Its when i go off to do jobs for neighbours, family, even inlaws the scolding starts, "your too soft off doing stuff for every tom dick and harry and doing nothing around here" would be common comments dropped.

As regards us going out together, every weekend i'm not working were off somewhere with the kids, and up until recently when our babysitter started college we regularly went out for meals/drinks. But its when your being timed every time you go off to do something and being phoned half way thru to make sure and not to be late blaa blaa blaa or else the classic being told your upsetting the lads again going off and leaving here with nothing to do.

my now six and a half year old son was coming to matches with me since he was 3. Imagine me trying to play a game and one of the selectors or some other spectator keeping an eye on him for me. Plus the language used in and around dressing rooms before and after games is not for young ears as his. More lately our daughter is on the recieving end of a tongue lashing, shes only a typical 10 year old and when i step in to calm things down i'm berated for going against my wife and for taking sides. She does admit to being highly strung and genuinely sorry but it always happens again and again.

Maybe councelling is the way to go who knows, but something has really gone out in me as regards my feelings for her. I've always been attracted to her and she keeps herself in shape, walking 3-4 times a week, swimming etc., but the giving out is such a turn off and i dunno if this is the woman i can see myself sailing off into the sunset with. Don't get me wrong, shes a great mother and a very dutiful wife but expects sole attention in return and i feel that because of things i missed out on in my early twenties to give us a good start, i feel i shouldn't miss out on now. I know when i'm taking too much and do try and be fair but feel its not returned.

DSB

Unregistered wrote: »

i will probably never cheat on my wife

Haha you Romeo.

Astrogeek

You are both stressed out.

I think marriage counciling is your best option. Talk to your wife about it.

Real_Sircharles

May I throw in my two cents...

I think its clear your wife is stressed out. For us guys sport is the ultimate release. After a training session or match, you are much more relaxed and have a sense of achievement. This, I feel would be the best approach for helping the situation.

Suggest the swimming again, I really think you cannot underestimate excercise and like someone else suggested some time to yourselve. I think thats what a councilor might suggest? maybe.