Abusive Mother

LegacyUser

Right I know this is probably going to sound like i'm just another overly sensitive teenager but my mother pretty much verbally abuses me on
a daily basis. An average day for me involves being told I'm a fat ugly bitch,how much her and my dad loathe the very sight of me and how she wishes she'd had an abortion, calling me a trollope is also one of her favourites.

The only thing i can eventhink i might have done to provoke this is i have a facial piercingand 2 well hidden tattoos which because of 'i lookmore like a circus freak more than a daughter' and she's embarrassed to be seen with me when we see her friends. I really want to move out but as I am putting myself through college and only have a part time job I cannot afford to.

It really gets me down and as a result I have ridiculously low self esteem and cry myself to sleep most nights.

None of my friends know how hellish it is living in my house because whenever they come over to my house my Mam acts like the perfect stepford 3 kids and a husband happy family but I dread when they have to leave cuz that’s when I know it will start again. Even if I go up to my room and shut my door she follows me up and taunts me through my door.

Please help with this dilemma, is this a normal mother/daughter relationship? I don’t know if this is even a real problem since she’s never hit me or anything, am I over-reacting?

Kimia

Had to reply to this.

You poor thing - no it's not a normal mother/daughter relationship and just because she doesn't hit you doesn't mean that she's not being abusive.

Is there any reason you can think of that she does this? Is she depressed or does she have a mental illness?

Main thing - it's not your fault. This is HER problem and her issues and she's taking them out on you.

Try to detach yourself and remember that you're neutral in this - she's the insane one and try to treat her with indifference.

As soon as you can move out. Is there any friends you could stay with even? Or a nice relative? Do what you can to leave that horrible situation and remember ITS NOT YOUR FAULT.

petes

What does your dad have to say about all this?

Sinall

Being put down on a regular basis can have a long term effect on your confidence and self-worth. Your mother is a separate person, with her own problems. Obviously what she is saying to you is incredibly hurtful, but remember, it's not true. She must have her own issues/problems to be saying these things. She is probably lashing out at you because you are there and you are close to her.

I really feel for you, it's a horrible situation to be in. My teenage years were quite similar in some regards but fortunately I had to move away to go to college, as the nearest one was a few hours away. I imagine your dad probably doesn't say anything as he doesn't want to get involved or is trying not to stir things up further. He probably sees it as "keeping the peace".

Just because it's your mother saying these things does not mean that its true. Remember that. I'm afraid I don't know much about the types of financial assistance out there but do whatever is possible to move out. Maybe speak to a Welfare Officer in your college.

I really feel for you and hope that you can find a way out of this situation soon.

Gurgle

Unregistered wrote: »

I really want to move out but as I am putting myself through college and only have a part time job I cannot afford to.

Not everyone was made to be a parent, and clearly your mother should have been neutered long before she got the chance.

You need to get the fcuk out of that house, and never look back.

LegacyUser

I know exactly how you feel - I could have written that! It's a horrible situation to be in. I got out of my home house about 2 years ago, after I'd finished college and now I don't speak to my mother anymore. Like you, my main problem however, is that everyone apart from immediate family thinks she's a saint. She can't do enough for ppl outside the family unit and so all of my friends apart from one think we're fine! I've grown up with most of my current friends and so I really don't think they'd believe me if I told them a fraction of how bad things are. Anytime they came over or met her out and about, she acted like the best mother ever! It's a very tricky situation, and one which will stay with you a very long time. The sooner you move out the better but that's not going to solve everything. Fact is the person who should be genetically programmed to love and nurture you does all in her power to destroy you. Her relationship with you is your platform for life, and getting physically away from her (although necessary) will not magically erase the abuse. It's a very very difficult thing to deal with, and personally speaking I'm not even close. I really sympathise with you. Best advice I could give is (a) move out asap, (b) get support from somewhere - other family members? a trustworthy friend? counsellor? whoever, and (c) realise, and cling onto, the fact that this is 100% her issue not yours


Good luck.

hepcat

To the OP, please try to ignore her comments. I have heard that some mothers become jealous when their daughters reach puberty and become sexually mature. Could she be subconsciously jealous of your youth and attractiveness? Was she always like this towards you and if not when did it start? It is just a thought, something to consider, I'm not a professional! However if you could even afford one session (about €50, someplaces will cater for students and low income people,and charge less, google it) I think it would really help you. Take care and keep talking until you find a resolution. Would you ring a group like the Samaratins? You deserve to be ahppy and confident, and your mother's behaviour is making you feel the opposite. I rteally believe its her problem, not yours. Hope this helps.

LegacyUser

You're not over reacting or being overly sensitive. Nobody should have to endure being spoken to like that. It is not normal. Long term, this is really not good for you. You should have a chat with someone you can trust and work towards getting the fk out of there, it is clearly smothering you.

Fair bloody play to you for going after college etc on your own, at the end of it all you can be proud of the fact that you did it all yourself.

LegacyUser

Hi.

I think what you're talking about is the 'street angel, house devil' syndrome as one aspect of this situation.

I went through a very similar situation growing up, but it was my step mother who was doing the damage. From about the age of three, I was subject to not only this kind of verbal abuse... there were prolonged periods when it was physical too. It has left me with a life long struggle to be comfortable in my own skin, with years of therapy, but with some lovely moments of self discovery along the way. Friends have been my saving grace.

I really identify with what you are going through, and like yourself, as a result of the antipathy at home, I ended up putting myself through college as a mature student many years after I was 'asked to leave' home ie: chucked out at 19. I really, really admire you for keeping your head together and having the forsight and fortitude to go to college now. You sound like an amazingly resourceful person, at this young age. This quality of yours not only confirms an underlying, authentic sense of your worth, but is also an indicator of your ability to make your future life a total success.

I suggest getting in touch with the college counsellor, as a matter of priority, even though it is the summer holidays... or getting in touch with the student union to see if they know of anyone you can talk to.

I have to say, even when I was quite small, it was clear to me that I was dealing with someone who had alot of problems. It didn't stop me from internalising alot of the crap hurled at me, but somewhere I knew it really was her problem. It sounds as though you have an innate sense of this too, and let me tell you... you have done absolutely nothing to deserve this.

For me, I ended up reconciling with my step mother... she just grew up to be honest. She left my dad (who was lovely but much older than her) and seemed to sort her life out. She has tacitly acknowledge the damage she may have done, which has helped. Although the legacy of those years has stayed with me, we now enjoy a pretty healthy and mutually supportive relationship, as adults. She now constantly affirms me... and I understand this to be her way of saying sorry.

Your situation is very different though, and you are going through the hell of it now. So, just remember, you seem to be an amazingly strong person... you'll get through this. If you, as a matter of urgent priority, get the support and professional help you need to deal with this...now. I'm serious.

All the very best,
I salute you!

LegacyUser

I would also suggest calling: http://www.childline.ie/

You may be a little older than their remit allows, but I'm sure they will be able to recommend someone who you could talk to.

Failing that, if you would like to talk to me personally, let me know and I will give you my contact details.

You're worth the trouble...

Zaph

Unregistered wrote: »

Failing that, if you would like to talk to me personally, let me know and I will give you my contact details.

You're worth the trouble...

Please don't post any personal contact details on Boards. Thanks.

LegacyUser

I wasn't planning on it... Just thought if there was a way, maybe I could help. (Forgot this forum doesn't allow for that.)

Zaph

Unregistered wrote: »

I wasn't planning on it... Just thought if there was a way, maybe I could help. (Forgot this forum doesn't allow for that.)

I've been giving it some thought, but unfortuntaely I can't think of any way myself. Even going through a mod as an intermediary wouldn't be possible as we have no way of confirming if an unregistered poster is genuinely the persom PMing us.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Been in a similar situation myself, You could try building up an outside support network, I know looking after yourself can be a full time job sometimes especially when emotionally you have no one right now, but when i was in college there was a therapist, reiki healer, and masseuse, it is a small thing but concentrating on some outside resources and support may be something you could do.

My mother was the same she was quite posh an softly spoken to the outside world when at home she would call me a **** and a thick fcuk on a regular basis, on top of that she would physically beat me and my sisters badly, she would flip out and go mad, but no one knew- the school thought my step dad was doing it at one stage and in recent years my mums friends would not believe she beat her kids because she was so anti child abuse to her friends.

Very confusing to grow up with but anyone will say its the emotional abuse thats the worst and you are being bullied and attacked constantly.

Get the book 'toxic parents' by susan forward, I loved how the book had examples of toxic parents it really helped me identify my reality and believe in my truth,

All i can say is that getting educated will set you free, and you will get out some time, I have no relationship with either of my parents, I have a brillo boyfriend now who looked after me and supported me more than any family member, i had to make my own life and it was hard but after a few years you get on your feet and feel safe and happy away from toxic people.

Very sorry you are experiencing this, your mother is projecting her anger and pain from her past onto you because she needs a vent, if you know she is doing this build a pretend shield around you when ever she enters your space and just concentrate on your breath and something nice, what ever she says goes out the window and you are safe and healthy- dont let her negative energy be dumped on you!

xxx sending the angels to watch over you!

Zaph

Zaph wrote: »

I've been giving it some thought, but unfortuntaely I can't think of any way myself. Even going through a mod as an intermediary wouldn't be possible as we have no way of confirming if an unregistered poster is genuinely the persom PMing us.

Can't you check IPs somehow

Beruthiel

bluewolf wrote: »

Can't you check IPs somehow

No.

OP
Parents don't get manuals on how to behave towards their child.
If she'd wanted an abortion, she'd have gotten one. She also had the option to put you up for adoption. She didn't. One wonders why considering the way she is treating you.
To put your child down in order to feel better about yourself has got to be one of the lowest things a human being can do to another.

Keep out of the house as much as possible.
Remind yourself that you have a life time ahead of you if you can just get yourself through these next couple of years.
Remind yourself on a daily basis just how fantastic you are and that all of her put downs mean absolutely nothing due to the fact she is the worst parent in the world and fails miserably at the one job on this earth worth putting your time into.
Your best revenge is to make your life wonderful!
Best of luck.

draven3410

Hi,

Most 3rd level colleges offer a counselling service if you want to talk to someone face to face.

My advice would be to avoid your Mother. If she starts at you, just walk out the door. My girlfriend has a similar problem, not as extreme as yours. It really hurt her, so much so that she had to go to counselling. It helps and she's far better now. And it influenced her to go study psychoanalysis.
Remember this always... It's not your fault. Its never your fault. You did nothing to deserve this.
If she does continue, record her abuse with your fone and bring it to the gardai and report her for the abuse. It might knock her perspective into focus when the gardai arrive at the door. She's your mother and you're her daughter. You are not a punching bag for her verbal abuse nor are you an embarrassment. She is.

I hope you mange to get over this.

Jo King

The best thing to do is to make some recordings of her doing it, possibly on a mobile phone. When your firends are over play the recordings so that they and your mother can hear. That will put her off doing it again!

flahers

Please, please do something about this or you will end up as i did, lacking in confidence, no self esteem and very depressed. I am a fifty year old and was an only child. I never told anyone what the verbal abuse was like and luckily for many years it didn't seem to affect me. My mother flipped at the slightest thing, everything was on her terms and I was one of those who, believe ir or not, wanted to be in Boarding school. When I finished school she would shout and scream outside my door the morning after I was out with friends to get me up or bang a brush against the ceiling, it was dreadful.

My dad died three ears ago and its only now I'm really resenting her, maybe because I'm left to look after her needs when I feel she never had any interest in me.

LegacyUser

RE: Beruthiel: 'She also had the option to put you up for adoption. She didn't. One wonders why considering the way she is treating you.'

A little off the subject, but as an adopted child myself, I think it's worth pointing out that most children are not given up for adoption because their birth mothers don't care for them. Most of mothers, in the past really wanted to keep their babies, but because of a lack of social/financial support and religious/moral conservatism prevalent at the time, were prevented from doing so.

(I posted earlier on this thread incidentally, so I'm not completely off topic ;-)

LegacyUser

Like another poster wrote, I would seriously buy 'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward. Another book I would equally recommend is 'Healing the daughters of narcissistic mothers-Will I ever be good enough' by Karyl McBride. I never knew what narcissistic meant until I came across this book and then I realized that my mother was one.
Your mother sounds like 'the secretly mean' narcissist which is explained in the book....nice in public and abusive and cruel at home.
I have bought both books in the last 6 months and I must say that for the first time in my life I feel that I am an ok person after all, I am not the failure I was meant to believe I was growing up. I now realize that my upbringing was not healthy and that my mother was not the best mother I could have had.I wish I had bought these books years ago. You can order used ones on AMAZON for cheaper if money is tight, might not want to let your mother see them though.
Hang on in there and know that your mother is the one with what seems like serious issues here, not you.