Would love to be confident

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I am a very shy person. Lots of people who don't know me that well see me as very quiet. When I'm with my friends I am more relaxed, much more talkative and not at all shy or quiet.
Each day at work I feel tense and unable to relax with the people around me. They are all very nice but I am just so quiet. I dread going to social events and worry for weeks in advance about what I can talk about and how I'll fit in. I also dread meetings or having to give presentations!

Any advice on how to deal with this? Is there any miracle instant cure out there such as hypnosis? I've been like this for years now and finding it very tough to continue like this.

Would really appreciate any advice, especially from people who have overcome this.
Thanks.

impr0v

needconfidence wrote: »

I am a very shy person.

needconfidence wrote: »

..but I am just so quiet.

needconfidence wrote: »

I've been like this for years now...

I label myself, therefore I am.

If you were 4 feet tall, saying 'I am four feet tall', '..but I am just four feet tall' and 'I've been four feet tall for years now' would all be incontrovertible statements of fact. Saying you are a shy person is not the same thing.

There's no miracle cure. Just be a less shy person tomorrow, and a less shy person the day after that.

newtoboards

Why not set yourself a task to face your fear so to speak. But slowly as it will not be easy! Like chatting to someone in work that you wouldn't be very friendly with. Then perhaps chatting to someone at the bar when you're out sometime, even a simple hello will be enough initially and then slowly build that up. We all wear masks when in public and it's only with our friends we truely relax and become who we really are so you're quite normal, and that is the case with even the most outgoing and forward people, it's just a mask and nothing more.

Krac

needconfidence wrote: »

Hi all,

I am a very shy person. Lots of people who don't know me that well see me as very quiet. When I'm with my friends I am more relaxed, much more talkative and not at all shy or quiet.
Each day at work I feel tense and unable to relax with the people around me. They are all very nice but I am just so quiet. I dread going to social events and worry for weeks in advance about what I can talk about and how I'll fit in. I also dread meetings or having to give presentations!

Any advice on how to deal with this? Is there any miracle instant cure out there such as hypnosis? I've been like this for years now and finding it very tough to continue like this.

Would really appreciate any advice, especially from people who have overcome this.
Thanks.

You mention work and presentations. Have you thought about approaching your line manager and asking to do some training on presentations? I mention this because training on presentations can be carried through to your personal life and can help with shyness.

I won't link to the company we use but a quick goolge on "presentation training ireland" will bring up the top few companies.

Sarah W

Try looking outward, not inward. Look at other people, compliment them on something (shoes are always good!), ask them about where they are from, what they do - people love to talk about themselves. Listen, relax and try to forget about yourself. Takes practice, but it does work.

Varkov

Listen up, Needconfidence. Don't believe in yourself. Believe in me! Believe in me, who believes in you!

Go beyond the impossible and kick reason to the curb!

iguana

Sarah W wrote: »

Try looking outward, not inward. Look at other people, compliment them on something (shoes are always good!), ask them about where they are from, what they do - people love to talk about themselves. Listen, relax and try to forget about yourself. Takes practice, but it does work.

This is what I do if I'm with people I don't know too well. Ask them things about themselves, listen to their answers and ask or comment on what they say. After a while you'll find you can interject with your own comments and stories a bit more.

silvine

You should join Toastmasters. They've branches all over Ireland and are great for building confidence. Google them.

petethebrick

1) Join some sort of meditation class. It's great for gaining self confidence through reflection.
2) Do you do any sports? Getting active makes you feel better and stronger and this will reflect through in your personality.
3) If that fails a sneaky naggin of vodka or two usually has a confidence building effect :P

Seriously though, you have confidence within you somewhere, it's just a matter of getting it out there! good luck

wylo

I second the meditation advice. But you really dont need to go to a class, you can do it all in the comfort of your room, honestly read up about it, google meditation and confidence and you'll see.

After your first proper meditation session you'll be amazed at how empty and clear your mind feels.

Id also recommend self hypnosis, another thing you can do in your own room with a bit of practice, if you stick to it, over time your inner thoughts will start fading, its them thoughts that are beating your own mind up and you probably dont even realise it.
Also theres plenty of youtube videos on all this.
Having no confidence on a full time basis is a horrible thing to live with and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

LegacyUser

wylo wrote: »

I second the meditation advice. But you really dont need to go to a class, you can do it all in the comfort of your room, honestly read up about it, google meditation and confidence and you'll see.

After your first proper meditation session you'll be amazed at how empty and clear your mind feels.

Id also recommend self hypnosis, another thing you can do in your own room with a bit of practice, if you stick to it, over time your inner thoughts will start fading, its them thoughts that are beating your own mind up and you probably dont even realise it.
Also theres plenty of youtube videos on all this.
Having no confidence on a full time basis is a horrible thing to live with and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Hi, OP here. I hhave googled for meditation advice but htere is so much junk out there that I don't know where to start. Can anyone who has found meditation helpful plaese tell me what they used - what cd, book, techniques, etc.

Thanks guys!!

Webmonkey

Cannot discuss anything like that here

waraf

I don't know if you're a bloke or not OP but if I'm ever stuck for something to say I always fall back on sport. Most blokes watch/play some type of sport so you'll always have something to talk about.
On the confidence front, I've always believed it's just a decision. If you think logically about the situations you're worrying about and the worst that can happen, you will find that you're worrying over nothing. Once you realise this you will be able to make the decision to be a more confident person.

irish_bob

needconfidence wrote: »

Hi all,

I am a very shy person. Lots of people who don't know me that well see me as very quiet. When I'm with my friends I am more relaxed, much more talkative and not at all shy or quiet.
Each day at work I feel tense and unable to relax with the people around me. They are all very nice but I am just so quiet. I dread going to social events and worry for weeks in advance about what I can talk about and how I'll fit in. I also dread meetings or having to give presentations!

Any advice on how to deal with this? Is there any miracle instant cure out there such as hypnosis? I've been like this for years now and finding it very tough to continue like this.

Would really appreciate any advice, especially from people who have overcome this.
Thanks.

never mind all that new age bull**** about meditation or other crap , to build confidence , we must challenge ourselves , do things that scare us , i dont mean go out and intervene where a crime is being commited but we have to move out of our confort zone , take on new challenges , take risks , take chances , charechter and confidence will flow from this

wylo

Its not new age bullsh1t whatsoever, I guarantee if you asked any doctor or psychotherapist they would tell you mediation is a very very healthy process. The word itself probably has a bit of stigma attached to it alright for being airy fairy but believe me it clears the mind and builds confidence which will then help you on getting out of that comfort zone.

OP I just googled "how to meditate" and the second link gives a good explanation of benefits and techniques.
When reading about it, try and avoid the buddhist sites, and just stick to health sites etc. Your not exactly looking for "enlightenment" here. You just want some basic confidence.

Mediation isnt an over night cure but what will happen after a few weeks is you will start catching yourself saying or doing things that you normally wouldn't have been able to do, stuff other people take for granted , e.g. in work you might jump in on a conversation 2 people are having and contribute towards it. Afterwards you'll be wondering what the big deal was. On saying that you will have to keep it up for some time as an on going thing.

As for hypnosis thats another process that requires more understanding for you to get the benefit out of it. Its completely misunderstood but if you want ill explain more, or you could just read up on the net.

wylo

sorry it probably seems Im trying to sell something here

But heres a few benefits I got from a site. I put in bold the things that would concern the OP for confidence.
It lowers oxygen consumption.
It decreases respiratory rate.
It increases blood flow and slows the heart rate.
Increases exercise tolerance in heart patients.
Leads to a deeper level of relaxation.
Good for people with high blood pressure as it brings the B.P. to normal.
Reduces anxiety attacks by lowering the levels of blood lactate.
Decreases muscle tension (any pain due to tension) and headaches.
Builds self-confidence.
It increases serotonin production which influences mood and behaviour. Low levels of serotonin are associated with depression, obesity, insomnia and headaches.
Helps in chronic diseases like allergies , arthritis etc.
Reduces Pre- menstrual Syndrome.
Helps in post-operative healing.
Enhances the immune system. Research has revealed that meditation increases activity of 'natural-killer cells', which kill bacteria and cancer cells.
Also reduces activity of viruses and emotional distress.

missmatty

Hi op. I was the same as you when I was a child and teenager, very shy and lacking in confidence. I am much better these days (not perfect!) although I didn't really do anything in particular about it. What I did was, I pretended. I pretended to be confident, spoke to people as if i was someone else, walked a bit taller, just did it bit by bit until i realised most of the time i wasn't pretending anymore, it was real. Just do baby steps and try it. And keep reminding yourself that everyone else is more worried about themselves and how they appear than they are about looking at you.

MadgeBadge

missmatty wrote: »

Hi op. I was the same as you when I was a child and teenager, very shy and lacking in confidence. I am much better these days (not perfect!) although I didn't really do anything in particular about it. What I did was, I pretended. I pretended to be confident, spoke to people as if i was someone else, walked a bit taller, just did it bit by bit until i realised most of the time i wasn't pretending anymore, it was real. Just do baby steps and try it. And keep reminding yourself that everyone else is more worried about themselves and how they appear than they are about looking at you.

I also used to be extremely shy. I used to do this to get through presentations in Uni. Now I speak in front of a team of people on a regular basis without a second thought. It was a long process, again baby steps, each time pushing a little beyond what made me comfortable.

LegacyUser

I was always always quite shy/quiet, probably because of people who like to critisize my actions because they are different. What im saying is that im the sort of person who wouldn't just do something because everyone else is doing it, I like to whey up a situation and take my own angle on it. It seems in todays society, Different = Weird which I think is pathetic. Perhaps in the past I just saw all the "sheep" and thought it was my problem that im different. I was also very self-conscious about eating, since I realised it was an issue for me, I can see it in someone else when they are not comfortable eating around others. Its a horrible feeling because you think everyone is watching you, waiting for you to make a mistake. The unfortunate truth about this is that if you keep eating like this you will make a mistake because your not confident in what your doing. This applies to most things in life, have you ever considered how you look when your nervous doing something versus when you do something confidently?

Is there someone in your life who is somewhat oppressive towards you? Perhaps a parent or sibling, who has always dictated to you what is right and wrong? I believe this has a big part in someone developing to be shy. Something which helped me immensely was when I was in college I decided to go away to the states for 4 Months. I didn't go with friends because I just wanted a clean break for a while and I knew id be meeting new people through the program I was using. Americans are typically quite loud, speak up for themselves. If someones not happy about something, theyre going to let people know about it verbally. Anyway, I made a lot of friends from different countries, I also progressed in the job I had to become a team leader which gave me responsibility and I needed to make people listen. I even had a stall outside one day selling merchandise for the company shouting out the different offers, (should probably explain it was an amusement/theme park just so people dont start visualising Moore street when I mention the word stall) something which I could never have imagined myself doing. I think the people I worked with and the friends I made were much more accepting. The whole experience certianly sorted out any confidence issues. People say the Irish are very friendly... I am Irish, born in Dublin and lived here all my life but i find people here to be very judgemental, opiniated, unapproachable, stuck up and cold (sorry if anyone is offended by this, its just my perception, it may not be the case so please dont start telling me how im wrong).

Hope this helps OP.

Miss Fluff

Just did a quick google for you OP and came up with this, may be worth a try!

http://www.nightcourses.com/confidence-building.html

Tattoo Stan

I have the same lack of confidence.

Some little tricks that help me are to think of a funny story that happened to you and harnass that smile throughout.

Also, imagine your best friends are with you, that helps too.

And remember it will be all over soon. Every day comes to an end, sometimes these meetings and presentations feel like the end of the world, but come 5 o'clock you'll be on your way home happy.

These thoughts can help quite a bit in the short-term.