I can't get my head straight

LegacyUser

Hi

I just need to get some opinions, i just have so much going on and I dont have anyone to really talk to thats not involved in some way

1. my mam is very sick, now shes had to give up her shop that she runs because of whats happened, so she wants me to run it (i already have a job that i love) and move home, with my partner and back in with her, now my sister is moving home to spend more time with her but she doesnt want run the shop becuase she wants to spend more time with mam - but if the truth be told its beneath her to run the shop, now her and mam are really really close and thats cool but whenever im there i kinda feel like im just the hired help and to be honest a bit used

2. my partner is a student now since he lost his job and wants us to move into another apartment for a change, theres nothing wrong with our place but hes got this idea into his head and hes not letting it go

3. my dad died suddenly aswel and my friends dont think im coping and think i should go to a consellor but i dont think i need too

thanks for reading, im just starting to feel so down about everything

Overheal

totally lost wrote: »

Hi

I just need to get some opinions, i just have so much going on and I dont have anyone to really talk to thats not involved in some way

1. my mam is very sick, now shes had to give up her shop that she runs because of whats happened, so she wants me to run it (i already have a job that i love) and move home, with my partner and back in with her, now my sister is moving home to spend more time with her but she doesnt want run the shop becuase she wants to spend more time with mam - but if the truth be told its beneath her to run the shop, now her and mam are really really close and thats cool but whenever im there i kinda feel like im just the hired help and to be honest a bit used

2. my partner is a student now since he lost his job and wants us to move into another apartment for a change, theres nothing wrong with our place but hes got this idea into his head and hes not letting it go

3. my dad died suddenly aswel and my friends dont think im coping and think i should go to a consellor but i dont think i need too

thanks for reading, im just starting to feel so down about everything

Yes, you evidently do. By your own admission.

CDfm

Wow thats some big decisions. Dont you think you have enough on your plate with grieving for your Dad and OH unemployed.

They say no big changes during a grieving if they can be avoided - so I wouldnt be going to make any big moves for the time being unless they are absolutely nesscessary and were life enhancing.

The house move suggested by your OH seems a bit much just now -unless of course there is a good reason. Is there a financial reason behind the move or something that would genuinely improve your quality of life.

The shop thing and your Mum seems like a bit of a dream to get her family around her. What type of shop is it and is it profitable and how much could be earned in it.Has your sister considered it as a business proposition or has it been put to her that way????

The other aspect is that your Mum might think that she is sharing out the care burden so you need to look at that. Is your sister going to be her full time carer and what is she going to do for money?? If it is a care arrangement has it been thought out and what is expected of you and is that reasonable?

I know you dont want it but if there was a living to be made out of it for your sister it is worth knowing its profit. It may also give your Mum an interest. You say you love your job and its probably keeping you going.

I work in a family firm - and it does affect your independence. Moving in with your Mum would too. It would seem like a huge jump backwards BTW and loss of independence for you. If you were to make such a move as a career move it would need to stand up on its own merits. Can you say it does.

Bereavement counselling has its place. It takes a while to overcome. You should probably make an appointment with your GP before you go to any counsellor.

LegacyUser

thanks for that cd, oh wants to move to a more stylish place and the way rents are it could easily happen, anyway back to the biggie, its a very profitable shop and i know id make a small fortune but its alot of work and not what i would want as a career, i spent too long in college to do that, i know it sounds snobbish but i wont throw all that away. mam wants us to move in with her and my sister, it would be just too crowded and we would completly lose our independance, and god love my oh but he always wants to make me happy and he said if i wanted to go we could but i really dont want my independence to be lost, i like the job im in and have all my friends here but the shop is 3 hours travel from where i live so id have to move home, essentially i dont want to let her down coz if she gets better she needs to have something to look forward too, but i just feel a bit used coz when they need something, that when they call me, tough eh?!

LegacyUser

If you are in a job you like and a town that you and your partner likes, then I dont think you should move back to the shop. It makes much more sense for your sister to be involved in the shop if she is going to be there anyway. Could the family employ somebody responsible to work in the shop and your sister could oversee the running of it without actually having to be there on a day to day basis - then she could spend the time she wants with your mother. You could maybe also go there on set weekends to help with the paperwork etc? I know you would have the extra wages to pay out of the shops profits, but it would be one solution.

Also, you should consider couselling if you are having problems getting over your dad.

Best of luck with whatever you decide to do!

Overheal

Unregistered wrote: »

thanks for that cd, oh wants to move to a more stylish place and the way rents are it could easily happen, anyway back to the biggie, its a very profitable shop and i know id make a small fortune but its alot of work and not what i would want as a career, i spent too long in college to do that, i know it sounds snobbish but i wont throw all that away. mam wants us to move in with her and my sister, it would be just too crowded and we would completly lose our independance, and god love my oh but he always wants to make me happy and he said if i wanted to go we could but i really dont want my independence to be lost, i like the job im in and have all my friends here but the shop is 3 hours travel from where i live so id have to move home, essentially i dont want to let her down coz if she gets better she needs to have something to look forward too, but i just feel a bit used coz when they need something, that when they call me, tough eh?!

In that case I'd put the foot down. If your sister is fine with moving back home she should be fine with running the shop. You can always support her with a bit of cash each week.

/and then find the time to bleed a little. Figuratively.

CDfm

Unregistered wrote: »

thanks for that cd,

Hey OP you are welcome. Families know what buttons to press.

I think you need to chat to your Mum and point out the realities from your side and why you dont want to make the move -politely and firmly. Like what she is asking you to do both career wise and relationship wise. It would be pure disaster for you and your OH to live with her and your sister.

I know you dont want it but on the the business front what are your Mums expectations from you. No doubt the business would need to generate a profit to pay you a salary etc of at least what you get now plus whatever your Mother and sisters income requirements would be from it.

Reading between the lines that is the rough plan your Mother and sister have is that the business will provide them with an income. What will it generate in a recession??

Getting involved in a family business could be a bit of a disaster if its not on a proper legal footing. Lets face it the risk is all yours and there is a recession on so picking up the pieces if things went wrong would not be easy.That is a fairly high risk now and would be a key reason for you to reject whats being asked of you.

If your Mum is serious and she is a businesswoman she would make you a partnership offer or some offer that at least would would give you some security if you were even to consider a move and not the vague promises you have gotten.She will know that now is not the time to sell a business as no-one could get bank finance to buy.

You dont mention what care requirements your Mum has? Have you discussed these with her doctor or the likelyhood of her recovering and going back to work.

So you need to put this in perspective and especially with your sister and your Mum.Your sister should probably be going into the business on a caretaker basis for the time being.

LegacyUser

thanks again for theat cd and unreg, really good advice

I dont think she will be able to ever work again, its like ms but its getting alot worse and she wont be able to go back but we have to keep saying to her she will so she will try and look forward to the future, i do feel a little used by them but then again they are family and im just afraid if i let them down they will be annoyed with me, like im so stressed over the whole thing, i just hate letting people down, im a bit of a walk over to be honest but then again i cant help myself, if theres somethign to be done i'll do it no questions asked, but i love my job, my little apartment and most of all my oh, rock and a hard place spring to mind

thanks again for listening