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ADULT CONTENT : Very Short story

  • 24-06-2009 3:27pm
    #1
    Samuel L
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2 ✭ 


    I was watching a documentary on The Beats and Bukowski last night and this 
morning wrote a little piece for the sake of it. 
I have not put pen to paper since secondary school which was over 15 
years ago.

Just looking for observations or criticisms for the below. 
Thanks.





    I had stood under the jet stream near enough to two hours, going from hot to cold,
    hot to cold, hot to cold.

    The cold water slows down my heart. The heat warms my body. I believe I am on
    the brink of death and for the first time realise with utmost clarity what it is to have
    something....everything and then for the next forever to be without, to not even be.

    I do not want to die.

    I get out of the shower and dry myself off, I try and sit but cannot. I am unable to
    focus on anything for long because of my heart. My heart rate, to be more accurate.
    I look down at my chest. I can see a bulge rising and falling below my left nipple. As if
    a vengeful demon were kicking from the inside of my chest with all its strength.
    It is very disconcerting.

    I decide to leave the house. I make my way towards the stairs but my heart rate
    seems to shoot off the chart. Slumping onto the stairs, my head falls forward. Thinking
    “this is it” my vision starts to fizzle out. Another fragment of myself kicks into gear telling
    me to get the f**k up and I obey. I shake my head clear and decide it is time to make a
    phone call. I dial 999 and tell the operator I have taken some acid and would appreciate
    if they could send an ambulance out to me.

    I gather from her tone that she is not impressed at all.

    I hang up the phone and pace back and forth. The main objective is to be doing something,
    anything as long as it keeps me from thinking about the problem at hand. I drink some water,
    but not too much as this has an ill effect on me for some reason.

    I await the ambulance. After half an hour, perhaps, it arrives. Time is hard to measure in
    these matters but now there is certainty in the shape of a white van with flashing lights.


Comments

  • #2
    Fabulosa
    Closed Accounts Posts: 13 ✭Fabulosa


    Not bad.

    Am a big Bukoski fan myself.

    But acid is such rich territory, perhaps you could have upped the trippiness?
    Until you mentioned the acid I thought the character had a bad hangover/ panic attack.


  • #3
    not bakunin
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 265 ✭✭not bakunin


    Samuel L wrote: »

    The cold water slows down my heart. The heat warms my body. I believe I am on
    the brink of death and for the first time realise with utmost clarity what it is to have
    something....everything and then for the next forever to be without, to not even be.

    I do not want to die.



    yeah i loved that in particular. youve a nice way of allowing the reader to keep interested and avoiding the skimp, which is very important i suppose.

    i love the beat generation myself, and i get you when you say they provide the inspiration to write.


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