How to stop hating your housemate?

LegacyUser

i have a really irrational hate for one of my housemates. i live with 4 people, one is my best friend and i get on well with the other one, but one i just can't stand. shes a student and isn't working, so she's at home all the time now and i work from home most days. i just try to avoid her as much as possible, but that means i just spend nearly all my time in my room. i'm having a bit of a hard time with stress at the moment anyway, and this is compounding the situation because i've noticed that whenever i hear her come in the front door i start to feel panicky and anxious and have repetitive thoughts. our house is small, and the kitchen and living room are open plan. she spends most of everyday and evening in the there watching tv. i end up skipping meals because i don't want to cook when shes there. i never spend any time down there now because it means sitting in awkward silence with her.
when she first moved in i really tried to get on with her, and did nice things for her when things would go wrong for her etc, but i just don't get anything back. she doesn't make much conversation with people and when we do talk its very shallow, like theres some kind of blur that exists between her and us. i talked to the others about it and they all feel uncomfortable when shes around too, but she seems oblivious to this. when shes no home we all sit around drinking tea and chatting and watching silly things on tv and laugh. when she is home we all tend to hide out in our own rooms and leave her to it. its got to the point where everyone else is spending more and more time at boyfriends houses and visiting family rather than hanging out at home, so a lot of the time now its just me and her.

its making me really really unhappy and i would love to move out, but i don't want to live with complete strangers and have this happen again. i know its not her fault, but i just hate her, and everything she does makes me really really angry. since when shes not here we're all happy living together i feel like she should move out, and i thought that she would be going traveling this summer and would move out then, but shes staying put it seems. she does loads of small things that just annoy everyone - like cooking a big meal and then not doing her dishes and then leaving for a few days, constantly leaving her stuff around downstairs so that the living area becomes messy, but when you consider it it turns out its all her mess. i end up finding that any evening shes not home that i get to spend some time downstairs watching tv or making food, i nearly always end up just cleaning and tidying up after her. then i get really angry because i'm cleaning up a room i never get to enjoy, and that she'll just come home in an hour and will pick up the remote and change the channel as soon as i get out of my seat to make a cup of tea or something, even if i'm in the middle of watching something (shes done this before), and then i'll get angry and just go back to my room. so then she gets to enjoy the tidy livingroom (and what makes me even angrier is that the tv and dvd player and hifi all belong to me, and i never get to use them anymore). she always has her computer and make up and all kinds of crap covering the (v. large) kitchen table, and sits there all day chatting online while watching tv, so that even though i'm working from home its a big ordeal for me to be able to get space at the table to set up a printer if i need to print something off, i'm doing all my work on my bed because my room is so small. shes never cleaned any room in the house, she only started doing her dishes regularly when one of us had to ask her to... and it makes us all feel like we're her mothers or something......

agh!
i just really want to stop hating her so much. but i really really really really hate her.

Overheal

Look, what foot has she to stand on here?

It sounds to me like she's taking all of the benefits with none of the responsibilities. Responsibilities, which are not absolved by simply paying rent.

Time for a house meeting, tbh.

/and about the remote, stick it in your pocket when you go make tea. Or set up new rules.

BroomBurner

Have any of you actually sat down and said anything to her? She probably reckons all is rosy because noone has said otherwise.

djk1000

Has she lived with people before? Have you? Things have to be discussed, she has to learn that her mother/father is not going to go around cleaning up after her.

If you approach it carefully, there is nothing wrong with telling someone that it's just not working out, probably better for everyone in the long term.

Oh The Humanity

You know that hole in your face underneath your nose thats what you need to use to solve your problem.

Talk to her, there is no point just observing everything she does and getting frustrated and then leaving the room and avoiding her.

She is probably a mixture of oblivious and doesn't care. She is kinda freeloading off you lot. You will always get this type of parasite in a house share who doesn't automatically do the decent thing and clean up after themseles and share.

They usually have to be shamed into it and will use every trick in the book to avoid taking responsibililty. There is no point getting all aggro about it because she is the way she is.

Confront her in a nice way and explain to her what you have said here.

She will continue to use the telly etc and make a mess of the place as long as you lot let her!

Astrogeek

Oh I feel for you. I really do.

At least the rest of your housemates are on your side. I recently moved back home after living with people who really couldn't care less about college. One actually dropped out. And there was noise until four or five o clock in the morning most nights. Even during the exams. I had no choice but to move out.

Call a house meeting or this will never end.

LegacyUser

I've shared a few houses and had one experience similar to yours (which made me decide to move into an apartment on my own in the end!) There is nothing as miserable as feeling uncomfortable in your own home.

You really need to call a house meeting & lay down some ground rules - at this stage dont point the finger at anybody in particular, just draw up a list of dos & donts which is agreed by everybody. If things are still not working out after a few weeks, call another meeting & if you all feel that she is still at fault, this needs to be clearly pointed out to her. If it's still not going well after another few weeks, then ask her to move out. It may feel like you're ganging up on her but if the three of you are of the same opinion & she has made no effort, then you shouldnt have to be the ones to move out.

Have you said anything to her? I don't think it's fair to be this angry and hate her if you haven't approached her directly. She might not realise a lot of the stuff she does is annoying. She might think you prefer to stay in your room rather than watch TV etc. Were the rest of you friends before? She might feel left out and if you feel this angry towards her, it will be very obvious when you try to make conversation. All in all, she doesn't sound THAT bad. Basically, you don't get on with her, she's messy and she hogs the TV - these things can be pretty standard in a house share. Some people just don't consider that leaving their stuff around the place is a problem - tell her nicely that it's a small place, you all like things to be kept tidy etc, and you prefer the dishes to be done right away. If she tries to change the channel on you, point out that you were watching something. Of course if you've already talked to her and she has carried on like this, it's a bigger problem.

petes

First of all stop hiding in your room. This gives her free reign to do what she wants. Changing the channel would annoy the crap out of me if I was watching something and she needs to be told.

Your home place should be a place of relaxation, not tension. Makes things worse for everyone. I myself live in a house share, Don't not get on with housemates but not particularly best of friends either.

It's all about making yourself heard and sticking to it.

fasty

Talk about making a mountain out of a mole hill. If this person is doing stuff that annoys you, just speak to her about it instead of huffing off to your room.

I don't know you, I don't know your housemate, but it's just not on to totally write someone off because they don't "get" your rules right away.

I'm in a house share too, and one of my housemates can be seriously annoying but we get on with it and both of us can approach each other in an adult matter about house related issues. Just remember, this person is annoys your but she's still a person.

Munster_Gal

I had a similar issue to you when I was house sharing last year. I hated it.
I'm back at home now but when it comes to me moving out again i'll be living on my own. You need to feel comfortable in your own home whether it be with other people or on your own

me_shell_86

bring the remote with u when u make tea eh if all the stuff belongs to you id put it all in your room

bullpost

As Pedro Almodovar would no doubt tell you - Hable Con Ella