Anger issues

LegacyUser

Hello everyone,
I am going unregistered for this as it is something I am both ashamed and embarassed about. I have been on anti depressants for many years and was managing fairly well until I became a mother.
I am finding being a mother very difficult and stressful and I am basically an anxious bag of anxiety. Now I have noticed that I am becoming increasingly angry with both my son and my partner and I hate myself for it. Tonight I had a one and a half hour battle to get my son asleep and much of it was me screaming at my poor defenceless son and dragging him roughly to his bed and throwing him down... I also slap him when I get very angry, fully aware that this is wrong, useless and further agravating the situation.. I have also began lashing out at my partner and only last week kicked him really hard because he kept trying to hug me..

I am crying as I write this because after I did that to him I went to my room and tried to hang myself. I hate feeling this overwhelming anger and I think they would both be better off without me. However as usual my partner came after me to see was I alright and took me down. We talked and I said I would try anger management or something because this cannot continue.

so I guess my questions are, has anyone ever felt like this? Has anyone ever tried anger management? and also, I dont have much money so what other options do i have?
Please dont be too hard on me. No one can make me feel any worse than I already do. Thanks guys x

madbev90210

Hi OP, I really feel sorry for you as I know how difficult being a parent is. I really think you should talk to your doctor as soon as possible and see if he/she can link you in with a therapist of some sort.
At least you have recognised and admitted you have a problem.
Best of luck

Blogger50

Hi Op,

Thats terrible, you must feel awful. Can I just say two things, firstly I had a family member hang themselves in the last few weeks and to say its traumatic for everyone is an understatement. The family are devastated, as I am sure yours would be. Please try not to see this as a solution.

Secondly, from the brief details in your post, it sounds like your other half loves you and wants to take care of you.

Please try to see the positives, you have a loving partner and a child you will love you unconditionally. Can you talk to a friend or family member?

I wish you all the best.

LegacyUser

OP, I'm so sory to hear what you're going through but well done for owning up and admitting what is going on. How long ago did you have your son? Could you be suffering post-natal depression...especially if you have a history of depression?

Best thing you can do is go straight down to your doctor and explain what's going on. It could be any number of things that's making you feel and act like this and they'll help you through it.

Take care

hepcat

I really feel sorry for you OP and fair play to you for being honest with yourself about whats going on, thats a great place to start. I would agree with the other posters who said to speak to your GP - you need to do this today. You could indeed be suffering post-natal depression too.But you need to do something now, don't delay.
And until you begin to see the benefits of whatever course of action you take, please try to head off the anger problems as soon as you realise they are happening. Don't let it build up...if you are getting frustrated ask your partner to put the baby to bed, and go outside and calm down.
Best of luck

LegacyUser

OP here, My son is 2 years old so I dont think its post natal depression.. plus im already on anti d's so what more can my gp do? I am afraid to tell anyone because they will think im a bad mother and may get social workers involved.. that would really tip me over the edge.

I really dont know what to do. I try so hard to be a good mother, ie try give him good food, good clothes, keep him busy, have fun with him, have the house tidy and the big one, get him to bed early. But alas he just wants sweets and choc all the time (given to him by daddy), he doesnt always have good clothes, sometimes Im not in the mood to play with him or go out and so hes bored, sometimes also the house is not tidy, and I can never get him to bed early.

I have an idea in my head of what and how I should be and things around me should be and when it doesnt happen I flip. manically so..

I talked to my brother, whos also very angry at times and he said its in the genes. My father is a loud angry person but I dont want to be like him..

Sinall

Unregistered wrote: »

I have an idea in my head of what and how I should be and things around me should be and when it doesnt happen I flip. manically so..

Well done for identifying the problem OP. I really believe thats the first step. It's a lot more problematic when people "flip" and don't realise that there is anything wrong with their behaviour.

It sounds like you are putting yourself under an immense amount of pressure - constantly having to live up to your own expectations of how things should be done. Please to go your GP, counselling would really be of benefit to you. I'm sure they can refer you to someone.

Hang in there, things can and do change. You are doing really well by seeing that there is something wrong with your behaviour.

evogirl

dont be too quick to dismiss postnatal depression. my son was 3 and half when i was diagnosed with it. it took that long because i wouldnt admit to myself i had a problem. i know you said you're taking anti-depressants now, but maybe they're not the right ones for you now. go see your doctor and have a chat. they're there to help not judge. best of luck to you x

LegacyUser

after I did that to him I went to my room and tried to hang myself. I hate feeling this overwhelming anger and I think they would both be better off without me. However as usual my partner came after me to see was I alright and took me down.

OP, this is not normal behaviour. I suffer from depression, this is something more. It does indeed sound like some kind of post natal psychosis or something. This is SERIOUS.

You will damage your son if you dont get help. The GP can help. The antidepressants are not suiting you and in fact may be making things worse.

You can not be kicking/hitting your husband. You can not be dragging your son around the bed for over an hour and screaming at him. Im sorry OP but you URGENTLY need to get support.

Go to your GP or your will find yourself getting sectioned. Keep control of your own mental health and you will be able to turn things around.

LegacyUser

You poor pet.

Have you considered asking your doc to change your anti-depressant?

The reason I ask is that I was very, very depressed at one point in my life (actually ended up in hospital for a few months), and they tried me on 3 different SSRIs which made me go from depressed/sad/apathetic to COMPLETELY funking psycho. I was reckless and angry and lashed out at everyone around me for some or no reason. I was really at the end of my rope.

Then (sort of as a last resort, really!), my doc tried me on a tricyclic antidepressant (Gamanil), and my goodness, the difference it made within 2 weeks - it honestly gave me my life back, and 2 years later I was in flying form, and med-free.

Just something to consider.

Best of luck, hon - hang in there. xx

Overheal

Your doctor can help. Everything I know about most ADs though says you shouldn't be on them indefinitely - eventually you need to see a counselor or psychologist and get to the root of your anger issues.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

OP, this is not normal behaviour. I suffer from depression, this is something more. It does indeed sound like some kind of post natal psychosis or something. This is SERIOUS.

You will damage your son if you dont get help. The GP can help. The antidepressants are not suiting you and in fact may be making things worse.

You can not be kicking/hitting your husband. You can not be dragging your son around the bed for over an hour and screaming at him. Im sorry OP but you URGENTLY need to get support.

Go to your GP or your will find yourself getting sectioned. Keep control of your own mental health and you will be able to turn things around.

Op here again.. you speak the harsh truth and I am so afraid of damaging my son mentally, because I would never damage him physically.. And so, it is for that very reason I would often rather be dead.

I am afraid to talk to my doctor.. number 1 she wont believe me, ive touched on things before and she looks at me as if Iv ten heads. Secondly, they might take my son off me, and thirdly, I see my future working in the social work sector( ironic, I know) but Ive a deep empathy for children who have bad childhoods, and so will I not jeopardise future career options (provided I am alive) by getting all these things out in the air?

Tbh, I cant even think straight.. one minute Im looking at college and work options and the next im planning how I can kill myself. I do feel crazy and psychotic at times and I honestly think that this is just who I am.

I would love to believe that there is something out there that can help me lead a normal, anger free life, but i feel that all these feelings and thoughts are just.. in me.. just who I am.. and I cant keep fighting them because they're so strong.. God this is all so bad.
But thank you everyone for replying, if no one replied I would have felt so much more unimportant so thanks xxx

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

OP, this is not normal behaviour. I suffer from depression, this is something more. It does indeed sound like some kind of post natal psychosis or something. This is SERIOUS.

You will damage your son if you dont get help. The GP can help. The antidepressants are not suiting you and in fact may be making things worse.

You can not be kicking/hitting your husband. You can not be dragging your son around the bed for over an hour and screaming at him. Im sorry OP but you URGENTLY need to get support.

Go to your GP or your will find yourself getting sectioned. Keep control of your own mental health and you will be able to turn things around.

This is true and the truth hurts alot. I would never hurt my son psychically, but I am worried about emotional problems I will give him and so again, is why I think hes better off without me.

I wrote a long post but maybe it wasnt mod approved so il reply again quickly
My doctor thinks I exaggerate, I need anger management but cant afford it. I dont want to go to a "hospital" and have the stigma of that with me forever as I want to work with disadvantaged children as a career ( I am a nice person really, and good with children) and I do feel crazy at times but feel perhaps this is just who I am and im so exhausted fighting it every single day.
Thanks for all the replies btw xx

LegacyUser

Hi there, I know what you are going through, my son has anger management issues. I have a name of an excellent therapist that will not judge you or your family and will help you through this difficult time. Where are you located? I don't just want to go mad and post her details here, so not sure how to speak to you more privately.

But you definately need help, your son will think this is the way to behave and will start behaving like this himself, and it might cause trouble in your marriage.

LegacyUser

Hi there
Your story kinda rings a bell with me. Might be way off here but will tell you my experience anyway, as a child there was an incident within my family that had lasting repurcussions for me. I always coped well enough before becoming a mum but about a year & a half after my son was born i started to lose control over my life/emotions.
I've recently spoken to a counsellor & she explained that when a person has experienced a trauma in their life, particularly in childhood, normal major life events may be outside the limits of what you can cope with.
Maybe this is not relevant to you but just thought i would post it anyway in case it is some help. Its helped me to understand that i'm not a bad person, i've just found motherhood overwhelming as a result of my past.
I would second what everyone else has said about speaking to your doc with a view to trying different medication. It sounds like you have no faith in your doctor, would you consider going to somebody new? A doctor with a fresh perspective & a sympathetic ear might be very helpful to you now.
You could check out anger management counsellors & ask if they would consider a reduced fee, many counsellors do this for people on lower incomes etc.
Best of luck & try to be kind to yourself. Take time out for you, even if its something as simple as going for a walk. You are doing your best for your family in taking steps to sort this out so give yourself a little credit for that

Sinall

Go to a different doctor. If you are on anti-depressants then counselling would be of benefit to you and might help discover the underlying issues that could be causing your extreme anger.

You are right, there is a chance that you will do damage to your son emotionally if you continue on like this. But he needs his mother. Taking yourself away from him or saying that he will be better off without you is not the case. It would leave a massive hole in his life. You love your son and he needs you. You need to find a way of dealing with your own issues and anger that are making you behave like this towards him.

Please go to a different doctor. You will not jeopardise your future career by looking for help. Continuing on like this will most definitely jeopardise your future career. You need help and for all your sakes you need to make sure that you get it. Best of luck with it.

aoibhebree

Just ask around your friends, find out the name of a good sympathetic doctor, and explain the situation to them. It really could be just as simple as changing the medication you're on.

Also, you really sound like you're putting yourself under a lot of pressure to give your son the perfect childhood. No matter what their financial circumstances are, no parent can do that. A bit of mess around the house won't do any harm, so long as the place is fairly hygienic. If your son isn't tired at his usual bedtime, it's a lot easier to just let him stay up an extra hour or so and then he'll settle down a lot easier. And talk to your partner about helping out a bit more with the housework and with your son - at least until you sort yourself out.

I'm sure there are a lot of other mothers out there in the same position as you, who are just too stubborn and selfish and weak to ever admit to themselves or anyone else that there might be a problem. You've taken the first step by admitting this, and well done. Best of luck with sorting it out.

LegacyUser

Hey again everyone, thank you all so much for being sympathetic and caring. I am trying to give him a perfect childhood because mine wasnt good, and I do need to allow myself to realise that perfection is not possible. I did alot of fun things with my son today and only shouted at him once, when he threw a shoe at my head! Even then I calmy explained that thats wrong.. I even sang him asleep which was nice. I would love to need normal-ish life like today was with no anger as such.

I am in Dublin, to the poster who had a good therapist.. But I am looking around for low cost counsellors at the moment. I have to keep trying everything in the hope of letting go of this anger.

Thank you again to everyone who replied because this is such an important issue to me and my family and I appreciate all the advice, and you have all helped me so thank you