People are so hard on me

LegacyUser

Sorry if this sounds whiny. I REALLY don't mean it to. Basically, I have always felt like people have been really hard on me - expecting so much, not being empathetic and so on. Not my parents but other people.

For example, when I was 18, I took a gap year before college. I went to Spain to be an au pair. The mother was hard on me from literally the moment I arrived - I was tired from being up at 4am for the flight, and shocked at the 40 degree weather after Ireland - and she came at me with a billion questions in rapid Spanish. I found it really difficult to answer (and some of the questions were overly personal) and later that day asked if I could have a nap was I was wrecked. I heard her complaining about me on the phone to her friend, that I was shy, immature and lazy and she felt like she had hired another kid. After I'd spent 4 hours in the place!! She started asking me was I not happy or excited and wouldn't listen when I tried to explain that I was just tired and needed a few days to settle in and get used to the kids. It's like she wrote me off immediately. It was so hard not to take this personally. At every opportunity she told me how I seemed so immature and inexperienced. Looking back this seems so harsh - I was only just 18 when I left my country for a year, completely alone, to a country where I didn't speak much of the language. How on earth is that immature? She kept telling me how she'd gone to London at my age (for a HOLIDAY, with a FRIEND!) and how she moved to the US with her kids on her own before her husband went over, and how I'd die of depression if I ever tried to do that (??) I told her I'd like to go over to Mexico for a while in the future and she laughed in my face and told me I could never do it.

So now I'm 23 and even now I find a lot of people really hard on me. I went again to a foreign country trying to learn the language. Went over with nothing and found a job, house and language class within a few days. Unfortunately I got laid off because of the economic crisis after a few months and a lot of people back home were saying 'oh did you get fired?' and acting like I was a failure for coming home early. This really annoyed me, as a lot of my friends were talking about going abroad but it was all talk and they stayed in their office jobs in Ireland. I'm not saying I deserve a medal but I was proud of myself for having the balls to give it a go and to make a new life and friends elsewhere.

When I'm at home my extended family all seem to be having a go as well, asking when I'm going to get a 'real job' (Im working as a waitress to save money to go back to college) and why didn't I study something more useful. I find this harsh since I did well in college (which I paid for myself), got into a really prestigious college for the Masters, have learned three languages, never got into any sort of trouble. They go on as if I'm some sort of waster and I'm just not! Several of my cousins had kids as teenagers and have never worked or studied, and no one has a go at them. I don't understand why people can't just leave me alone and why they're always so harsh. I try to be a good person, contribute to society, not hurt anyone and better myself as a person. I can't understand why people think I'm immature. I've been independent since 18, have lived with a boyfriend, am responsible and sensible. I just don't get it!!!!!!!

michaelgriffin8

Sounds like you suffer from a lack of confidence. Going from your post, it sounds like you have achieved alot. I have alot of respect for people who have learned languages, as I found it hard in school. When I was 18 I wanted to take a gap year but i didnt have the balls. Now Im on a gap year of sorts and my friends think its pretty cool. I think that might be the problem-maybe you arent surrounding yourself with the right people. Also, I would try to just forget about the spanish mother, she just sounds like a wagon-dont make her bitchiness make you feel bad years later!

People will always be hard on you in life but you just have to remind yourself of all the things you have achieved. I often read that a good way of increasing your confidence (and thus not letting the haters get you down) is to make a list of all the things you have achieved in life-it could be anything from the languages you have learned, good results in school or college to getting compliments from customers at work.

Best of luck!!

pepsi1234

A wise man once told me: 'People relate to you how you relate to yourself'.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

LegacyUser

You sound over-sensitive. Fair enough, the au-pair experience sounds like something that anyone would be frustrated with, but the rest of your complaints are things that wouldn't bother most people.

Next time someone comments on your job, ask them whether they have a Masters, how many languages they speak and how many countries they've lived in. You should have pride in your own goals and achievements, rather than giving a crap about what other people think you 'should' do.

LegacyUser

hi Op,

You are about to enter the next phase of your life where your relationship with yourself becomes the most important. It is a good stage to be at although confusing in the beginning, but as donegalfella said it is your own opinion that truly matters.

I felt exactly as you did, i was accused of being bad with money, not academic, over sensitive, etc and for ages i was quite depressed about it all because i believed it and took it all on emotionally.

Now after a stint in therapy and at 31 i have grown into myself and when i look back at how i allowed society to dictate who i was i feel angry that i believed them. If i had of believed i was not academic i would never have persevered through college and got my honors degree, it was a lesson that it was my thoughts that were untimatly holding me back.

It is now your job to fight the negative comments, when someone makes one just remember they are judging and cannot know the extent of you,

It is upsetting sometimes not to get validation on life and it can effect your self esteem but if you learn to acknowledge you and your essance you will put that out to the universe and people will see it is unbreakable in you! eventually you get to a stage where you dont give a rats what anyonr says about you because you know your happy and your life is good.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice. I don't think I am sensitive but I guess it's possible. I just don't understand all the nasty comments and digs. I don't do it so I don't understand why so many do it to me. A lot of people recently have called me a quitter because I never got my driving licence. This really annoys me as I very rarely quit anything else. It was very difficult to do the lessons as I go abroad for short periods all the time and it was so expensive. I don't understand the attitude - I didn't quit because it was difficult (I was told I was doing very well), I quit for practical reasons. I didn't see the point in continuing something that was costing so much money, especially when I can't afford a car and won't be able to anytime soon because of college. And again when I quit karate lessons I was called a quitter - why can't someone just decide something isn't for them? I tried it and I didn't like it. I have plenty of hobbies I do like. I try out all sorts of new things - I wouldn't have the time or money to keep up all of them, but I have to try them out. I don't understand why this is anyone's business. It's just so hard being called immature, lazy, a quitter when you genuinely feel this is anything but the truth. The thing is I DO take it to heart because I don't want to be an arrogant person who doesn't believe they have any faults - it's hard for me to get the balance right and take it with a pinch of salt.

sachamama

I'm just wondering OP why you have given the people who criticise you so much power over you? who are these people? And why do you care so much about what they think?

If you are certain that you are doing your best, that you are not the things they say that you are, perhaps you need to find some new friends? And if they are family, well, that's another issue altogether, and could explain why the comments cut you so deep.

Dan Chipowski

Well the spanish woman just seems plain ignorant and rude, so I wouln't worry about her.

With regard to coming back after losing your job and the smart comments etc, I'd say a fair bit of that is borne out of the old 'shameful joy'. These people were probably jealous of you when you left to go abroad, and glad to see you fail. It's human nature in some cases.

As has already been stated, don't worry too much about them. Your real friends won't critisize what you do, they'll support you.

LegacyUser

You are over sensitive. I know you dont think you are, but over sensitive people are always the last to know themselves.

EVERYONE gets criticism in life, fair and unfair. Deserved and undeserved. Your problem is you are dwelling on it too much.

Also, when you are explaining the things you found so hard you are acting as if they are exceptional circumstances. They are not, things are not plain sailing for everyone else either.

You seem like the type of person who has been cossetted at home and are now finding it difficult to cope with real life.

Toughen up, when you find yourself feeling self pity and thinking about yourself, force yourself to snap out of it. People really dislike self pity in a person so try to stick a brave face on it if you aren't in the best form. Thats what everyone else is doing.

You sound like you have it all going for you, but you are a bit childish. Asking for a nap on the first day of a job, well you should have just trooped through till the evening.

To get through this life you need to be made of tougher stuff. Stop navel gazing and making excuses. Life is tough as nuts.....FOR EVERYONE.

Stop whining.

LegacyUser

Well the reason I don't think I'm oversensitive is that I was bullied at school but after a while I became known as a tough girl and nobody even thought about picking on me. If I were oversensitive I would have been destroyed. I find your assumption about my home life quite presumptious. I definitely didn't have the worst childhood ever, but neither did I have an ideal one. My memories are mainly of my parents fighting, my mum threatening to divorce my dad, my dad hitting all of us way too hard for things like chewing gum or 'being cheeky'. I was expected to look after my siblings all summer from the age of 12 or so and do most of the housework. I'm not whining about this, my parents have also done lots of great things for me, but I am FAR from spoiled. Perhaps sheltered, yes, I wasn't allowed to go out really, see boys, drink or anything like that, but I don't equate doing those things with maturity (the Spanish woman seemed to - another reason I was 'immature' was that I didn't have a boyfriend). In any case, I'm definitely not sheltered now!

And I know none of those things are easy for anyone but the point was, I did them. I am not arrogant, but I know myself from my friends that loads of people sit around moaning about Ireland and how they want to move abroad but do nothing about it. Surely if I were lazy or immature I would have done that? As for the nap thing, she offered it when we were in the car coming back from the airport. I wasn't even supposed to be working that first day at all! She just seemed to find anything she could to complain about me.

Sinall

You need to stop dwelling on the past - this thing with the Spanish lady happened 5 years ago, so let it go. I know it can be easy to go over these things in your head but its pointless and not doing you any good! Yes, she seems to have been overly critical of you but maybe that's the way she is. Don't take it so personally.

In relation to your family, I think lots of people deal with those sorts of comments - especially if people are comparing you to their own children. I find it strange that they would directly call you a quitter though, that's quite rude. Did they imply it or say it just like that?

I would agree with a previous poster who said you might be oversensitive, although not in the way you seem to take it up. You have to learn not to let these things affect you and not to take them to heart. You seem to be dwelling on them. Do you feel that you might be looking for praise from people and you are getting this reaction instead? I'm not saying that this is the case, but sometimes, if people feel someone is fishing for compliments they will go out of their way to put them down! You may not be doing that at all, but it could be how they perceive it.

Anyway, you can't change other people. You can however change your attitude to them. You will find that once your attitude/reaction changes then they will stop saying these things!

hepcat

You are overly sensitive or too much of a navel gazer if you are still dwelling on things some Spanish woman said 5 years ago, when you did not speak the language and so may not have totally understodd what she was saying?!! Seriously, don't dwell on criticisms - real or imagined. Everybody gets criticised from time to time, no matter how perfect they are. Sure its annoying if its undeserved, but thats all. You're not going to get through life without people make nasty comments or being critical, so learn to take it on the chin and get over it. Concentrate on the positives in your life;)

Eve_Dublin

OP, you have to let go of the anger you hold in you for this Spanish woman. You've mentioned her quite a few times now in both of your posts and you seem to use her as the main example of being treated exceptionally harder than most of us.

But I can empathise. I used to have this neighbour when I was a student in Dublin and I have never in my life come across SUCH a cow. This woman was unbelievable, she hated us and she seemed to have it in for me in particular (my housemates agreed with me on this one, possibly because I was the only one who confronted her). She was only a few years older than myself but she was just horrible. Even when I tried to make peace, she called me a "whore". A whore I was not. I was a bit of a nerdy student actually but I digress.

To this day (7 years later), I still feel rage when I think of her. It's so stupid. I still go over the ridiculous arguments myself and my housemates would have with her outside over nothing, I occasionally have a drunken rant about her with my old housemates (they tell me to give it a rest...it's become a bit of a running joke at this stage) I still can't get my head round how someone could get through life being so, soooo horrible to people but you know something? That's life. You have to let go of the bitterness or you'll end up like me :eek:...ranting on and on and on about your old Spanish employer for the next 20 years. Suck it up. I'm trying to but when I think about that cow....grrrrr....:pac:


Like yourself I was bullied at school but who wasn't to some degree? Even the bullies themselves, I'm sure. Without sounding patronising, when you get a bit older, you're going to realise that the world is not fair, it owes you nothing and it's full of d-heads and to be honest, the acceptance of this fact-of-life will be the most liberating moment of your life. The examples you've given of your hardships are similar to what most of us have had to go through at some stage in our lives and really, you're luckier than most. You sound like you have your head screwed on and you should be proud of what you've achieved so far (really...fair play...you've achieved a lot for a girl your age). Don't look for praise externally...more than likely you won't get it...people are too busy worrying about themselves. You should be doing these things for yourself because this is your life for YOU to make the most of and enjoy. YOu need to toughen up, girl, you need to develop a "f*ck'em all!" attitude...you've another good 60 years of this and it's only going to get harder....but hopefully you're attitude to yourself, those around you and your circumstances will change and you'll be able to handle it.

Good luck!

Sorry, just to add, I don't mean to make light of bullying at school...it all depends on the severity of the bullying and how well the individual coped with it in the long-run. Most of the anger caused by your average name-calling school bullying has to be let go of at some stage or it'll hold you back. If you really feel it affected you to the point where it's affecting your confidence NOW, then maybe you should consider getting help. Maybe this is where the root of your problem lies..who knows.

Overheal

Unregistered wrote: »

When I'm at home my extended family all seem to be having a go as well, asking when I'm going to get a 'real job' (Im working as a waitress to save money to go back to college) and why didn't I study something more useful. I find this harsh since I did well in college (which I paid for myself), got into a really prestigious college for the Masters, have learned three languages, never got into any sort of trouble. They go on as if I'm some sort of waster and I'm just not! Several of my cousins had kids as teenagers and have never worked or studied, and no one has a go at them. I don't understand why people can't just leave me alone and why they're always so harsh. I try to be a good person, contribute to society, not hurt anyone and better myself as a person. I can't understand why people think I'm immature. I've been independent since 18, have lived with a boyfriend, am responsible and sensible. I just don't get it!!!!!!!

See, personally, at that point, I would have told them in as many words to F*ck Off and let them know who I was and what I'd done. It sounds to me like you just lack the confidence to assert yourself, and thats why people are stepping on your toes all of the time. It has nothing to do with any lack of accomplishment. You seem to have done quite a lot.

You're not a Girl anymore, You're a Woman.

LegacyUser

I think you are right Overheal but I find it hard to find the line between arrogance and assertiveness. I have always been quite a modest person but the few times I have recognised my talents and been proud of myself, it seemed to be interpreted as arrogance. And I don't want to be one of those people who can't accept their own faults or criticism which is why I don't just tell people to f**k off when they say things It's just hard for me to know what to do in each situation.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
I completely agree with OVERHEAL. I also have family who think nothing of trying to find fault of what they perceive as failures of mine and are too quick to tell me that I'm arrogant or pretentious when I am simply confident or proud of my achievements. I too was never assertive enough to stand up to them until recently when I told certain family members to f$%k off. The rest now know not to push me or they will get the same response. In fact, my family are bullies and as everyone knows bullies are very insecure people themselves and putting people down gives them a false confidence.
The one quick way to nip this in the bud is to remind them of examples of what you consider their failures every time they they criticize you. I'm not saying to turn into a nasty sharp tongued bit*h but gently remind them that you see them as having failures which maybe they should concentrate on fixing or improving rather than focusing on you. Let them know that YOU are very confident and happy within yourself with what you have achieved in life. Let them know that you owe them no explanations for what you do and don't do in life in the same way that you don't expect explanations from them so tell them to mind their own business. Really, some assertiveness will work wonders here.
Another thing, don't under estimate the effect of physical punishment by your father on you as a child on you confidence as an adult. Simple things like chewing gum or trying to voice an opinion were treated with slaps, so that you stopped trusting your own opinion and looked to your parents for acceptance of what is right and wrong (in their possibly limited world). You are probably still trying to gain acceptance and approval from everybody around you today when your own opinion of yourself should be enough. Remind your self that you are a confident young woman who has achieved a lot so far in life and that you are worthy of respect. And if you find that people are being disrespectful towards you, challenge them on it. Ask them why they think it's acceptable to speak to you this way. Practice doing this in a gentle but assertive way so that you are not being arrogant or hostile.
Best of luck for the future!

sour_apple

Well fair play for you OP, you have tried things which some people doesn't have the balls to do. And if you want something, you go for it or at least try.
I was getting the same treatment and sometimes still do from people. All my life i was told you cant do this or that. You wont be able to do it. Well how the f will i know if i don't try? They are bitter people that are jealous of people trying.

My own mother never had faith in me. I was never able to do anything in her eyes, so she didn't let me do anything in school like playing sport, even swimming. People aren't born knowing how to swim, they are thought. My mother said you wont be able so never even signed up for swimming lessons. I took lessons last year as an adult, just to say f you. She didn't believe i could make it to college either. I did. And she expected be to do my driving test 12 times cause her sister did. I passed first time. The list is endless.

I work with a few annoying people and they are bad. Someone who i thought was a friend did nothing but constantly put me down. I dont speak to her anymore, i dont tell her anything. What's the point she'l just pull me down. I hate the place i am working in. Its one of those places where everyone hates it. She even hates it herself. I told her my dream was to go back to college and she constantly puts me down about it. You won't do it, you'll still be here in 10 years time. This coming from someone that left school after her inter cert. Never went to college. Had a baby at 16. And she has the neck to critise me! She even asks me how am i getting on with my plans to go back to college. I don't tell her anything, and she takes it as if, oh you gave up on that.

Another one i work with and she is all talk. I want to do this and that. And she goes on for months on end and she never does. Its sickening. At least you're not like that.

There are so much people that gets me down. Its depressing. Why can't i do something for once without be called a failure? I am doing it for myself and no else. If i fail, it doesn't bother me, at least i tried. I don't understand, its not them that are the one's failing.

Overheal

Unregistered wrote: »

And I don't want to be one of those people who can't accept their own faults or criticism which is why I don't just tell people to f**k off when they say things It's just hard for me to know what to do in each situation.

You just follow your gut in every situation. Rely on your Truthiness. Its a word. Look it up. If you overthink - anything - you only end up doubting yourself. To any situation theres an infinite number of possible factors - the kind of thing your brain will freak out about. Thats what your gut is there for, it throws away infinity! And you are left with 2 or 3 of the most important factors at the time to act on. Someone calling you a failure? Rip off their head and **** down their neck! (figuratively. Figuratively.). Your boss asks "can you fix it?" - thats ... thats when I'd stop myself from going "Ahahaha why yes boss I could fix this problem with my left foot and still make coffee."

moe_sizlak

Unregistered wrote: »

Sorry if this sounds whiny. I REALLY don't mean it to. Basically, I have always felt like people have been really hard on me - expecting so much, not being empathetic and so on. Not my parents but other people.

For example, when I was 18, I took a gap year before college. I went to Spain to be an au pair. The mother was hard on me from literally the moment I arrived - I was tired from being up at 4am for the flight, and shocked at the 40 degree weather after Ireland - and she came at me with a billion questions in rapid Spanish. I found it really difficult to answer (and some of the questions were overly personal) and later that day asked if I could have a nap was I was wrecked. I heard her complaining about me on the phone to her friend, that I was shy, immature and lazy and she felt like she had hired another kid. After I'd spent 4 hours in the place!! She started asking me was I not happy or excited and wouldn't listen when I tried to explain that I was just tired and needed a few days to settle in and get used to the kids. It's like she wrote me off immediately. It was so hard not to take this personally. At every opportunity she told me how I seemed so immature and inexperienced. Looking back this seems so harsh - I was only just 18 when I left my country for a year, completely alone, to a country where I didn't speak much of the language. How on earth is that immature? She kept telling me how she'd gone to London at my age (for a HOLIDAY, with a FRIEND!) and how she moved to the US with her kids on her own before her husband went over, and how I'd die of depression if I ever tried to do that (??) I told her I'd like to go over to Mexico for a while in the future and she laughed in my face and told me I could never do it.

So now I'm 23 and even now I find a lot of people really hard on me. I went again to a foreign country trying to learn the language. Went over with nothing and found a job, house and language class within a few days. Unfortunately I got laid off because of the economic crisis after a few months and a lot of people back home were saying 'oh did you get fired?' and acting like I was a failure for coming home early. This really annoyed me, as a lot of my friends were talking about going abroad but it was all talk and they stayed in their office jobs in Ireland. I'm not saying I deserve a medal but I was proud of myself for having the balls to give it a go and to make a new life and friends elsewhere.

When I'm at home my extended family all seem to be having a go as well, asking when I'm going to get a 'real job' (Im working as a waitress to save money to go back to college) and why didn't I study something more useful. I find this harsh since I did well in college (which I paid for myself), got into a really prestigious college for the Masters, have learned three languages, never got into any sort of trouble. They go on as if I'm some sort of waster and I'm just not! Several of my cousins had kids as teenagers and have never worked or studied, and no one has a go at them. I don't understand why people can't just leave me alone and why they're always so harsh. I try to be a good person, contribute to society, not hurt anyone and better myself as a person. I can't understand why people think I'm immature. I've been independent since 18, have lived with a boyfriend, am responsible and sensible. I just don't get it!!!!!!!

just causey you get called an asshole twice in one day doesnt make it true , the world is full of nasty people , you have just been unlucky in having found yourself surrounded by unpleasant people , luck always changes eventualy