White Lies...

LegacyUser

I have a slight problem with my boyfriend. He is great in so many ways and i love him to bits. We do nothing but laugh and be affectionate with eachother. We are both very social and have our own lives.

The thing is he tells white lies, all the time. Not just to me but to his friends and family. He obviously thinks they are harmless and he says he does it to make things easier. He will only admit to it when I catch him out. Like it will be things like, he will pretend to be on his way to meet me (at my house) but really he hasnt left yet and is at home smoking weed. Or he will pretend there are no girls there when he is out, when there are. This happens ALL the time. And he still thinks its ok to do so, even when I get mad. He says if he tells me the truth I will get mad, but its more the fact he cant just be honest with me. I do trust him though and know he wouldnt cheat, its more habit, he does it to get less hassle from people in all aspect of his life but I think it makes his life so much harder.

Does anyone have experience with this? Should I be worried for my future with him. I cant see him breaking this habit. Or is this just how some people are and its ok?

LauraLoo

He's very immature.

When we are younger our instant reaction is to tell a white lie so we dont get into trouble (i watch my 5 year old niece do it all the time- and god love her, the guilt is written all over her face)

When we grow up we realise that people are not going to let us get away with it anymore- unless they're a "sap". (and by sap i mean someone who is easy to take advantage of)

If he's worried about your reaction- try to take a look at yourself. What is your reaction like? Is it over the top? If so, is there any way you can tone it down?

If you can tone it down, maybe you can come to a compromise with him- tell him that you will tone down your reaction if he will promise to tell you the truth. If he tells a white lie- then you over react.

He has learnt that by telling lies he can avoid the over reaction. But if you turn things around and give him a positive reaction when he tells the truth and a negative one when he is telling lies, he will very quickly learn which one to avoid. (this will take time as its a life time habit you're trying to change). When i say positive reaction- i mean merely speaking your truth in a nice way rather than freaking out/shouting/silent treatment (whichever your reaction is).

On the other hand, the next time he is telling a white lie- say to him outright "are you lying". If he says "no", you say "well i actually dont know wether or not i believe you as you are always lying to me". Let him know that you dont trust a thing he says anymore because of his behaviour, and that he'll have to earn your trust back.

If it was me? He'd be gone after the 2nd time- one lie and i let him know thats not acceptable to me and that i would rather be alone than live in a relationship where im doubting his word. Id tell him that if he lies again that its the end. If he ignores me and does it again? then he's not the man for me.

You need to decide what you are willing to put up with in a relationship. If you are asking this question "Or is this just how some people are and its ok? " then i say that you really need to realise that Yes it is how some people are but NO its not ok.

We all have our individual personalities and all come with faults but a person can choose wether or not they lie- they are not born liers. And little white lies are the worst because they are loads and loads of constant moments of disrespect.

You deserve more- but thats easy for me to say- you need to realise that for yourself.

LegacyUser

Thanks Laura for your advice.

I don’t think I over react much at all. Im quite a calm person. And I have begged for him not to do it. I tell him that if he tells the truth I wont be mad, or if I am it will be way less than if I catch out the little lie. I know it seems like I am putting up with a lot, and my friends and sisters don’t know why I put up with him, although everyone likes him and can see why I am with him.

I had a stressful last ten years with my family, and I have become a bit of a mediator and I know I am letting him take advantage of me a bit. My life has never been normal. Its only when I compare my relationship to my friends ones that I feel I am too lienient for the sake of peace. Sometimes I have moments where I think I should leave him, and we have broken up twice. But then I think life is short and the good times with him are so good and I care so much for him. I know why he does these things, and I know he is not a bad person. I think a lot of it is to do with the weed. Its given him a lot of issues.

I am aware how all this sounds though, that I am making excuses, and by putting up with it I am making my own bed so to speak.

I was just feeling sad this morning thinking I am too old to be putting up with this in a relationship. (I am 28). I might take a break from him for a while to clear my head.

LauraLoo

There are plenty of great men out there- go into the ladies lounge and read the "little things he does" thread and see for yourself.

Everyone has issues and everyone has had some difficulties in the past so i can understand myself why he behaves the way he does.

However, no matter how much fun you are having with him, he is telling you lies on a regular basis. That does no lay any foundation for your relationship. Relationships are founded on trust.

I agree with you about breaking up with him- I believe that you need some time alone to figure out what you do and what you dont want in a relationship.

we can have fun with many people- but we can also have respect too. You dont have to give up one for the other.

LegacyUser

I had a long term relationship with a girl like this. she couldnt resist telling lies, just small white lies, over the tiniest thing. I mean, the stuff she lied about would never have been an issue, yet the white lie makes it an issue.

She would lie about guys being at a party or in a oub with her and her mates. I mean, I would have never had a problem with that at all, I also have friends of both sexes. Yet when she lied about it, it made me suspicious and paranoid.

I explained to her countless times about the damage that white lies did. Cracks started to appear in the relationship after a year. I kept going with it for another year and a half. It was a waste of time. We broke up in the end cos I couldnt trust her, and she was too thick to grasp the damage that white lies did. I should have given her one chance only. Instead I repeatedly told myself that she would soon stop lying. She didnt.

She has controlling parents and she had gotten into the habit of lying to them about things. Anyway, my advice, explain the situation to your BF, make sure he understands the seriousness of white lies, the damage it can cause. Then he has no excuse to ever lie again. If he does, finish it. As harsh as that may sound, I'm speaking from experience.

I have a great GF now, never have to worry about any of those white lies or immaturity any more.

Bottom line, if the relationship causes you more worry/stress/paranoia than happiness, then end it.

pookie82

I could have written that post OP. Irony is that I also posted in the "little things he does" thread in the LL mentioned above!!

My OH contantly tells white lies and gives the EXACT same excuse. It's INCREDIBLY frustrating to be told "I just don't tell you stuff cos you'll get mad" and trying to get it through to them that you'll be a LOT more angry when you find out they've lied and if it's something that will hurt/upset you in the first place, maybe they shouldn't have done it at all.

It's an incredibly damaging habit because it means every word out of their mouth loses all credibility. You begin to doubt even the tiniest comments. Truth be told, there are times I've found something out and then asked him about it (could be the tiniest issue) and he'll lie to my face about it until I prove that I know the truth. Then I'll get really pissed off and he'll use the excuse that this was the reaction he was trying to aviod in the first place, and I try to explain that I wouldn't in fact be reacting like this at all if I wasn't lied to, and it just goes on and on and on like a vicious circle.

What I've tried to do is have a civil and adult conversation when the heat of the moment has passed. I guess I have to take part of the blame in my case because I am a fiery person prone to overreaction if I'm angry, but he also grew up learning (due to personal circumstance) that telling little lies makes life easier all round. It's so exhausting to try to get him to break the habit but I've sat him down and explained how much trust I've lost in him and how damaging it is to us in the long term to outwardly lie about the tiniest things. Unfortunately I'm not sure he fully grasps how harmful even little white lies can be when you've been found out often enough. Nothing you say has any value anymore.

If the problem persists then you'll have to consider whether or not to stick around. You could be setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery if the scale of the lies begins to escalate. Something as nasty as lying becoming a flippant habit is not a good thing. It's not an admirable quality in someone and it's not nice to know that the person you're in love with thinks nothing of doing it repeatedly to you. Makes me wonder when I sit down and think about it (like I'm doing now) how much I would never know if I hadn't found out by other means, and how much I still don't.

We're working on it and I'm hoping things will get better but I suggest that you do what I'll be doing, if a serious conversation doesn't work - get the hell out.

LegacyUser

thanks guys, its good to know there are other little liars out there!

It is so damaging. It does make you doubt so much about them. And it is so childish. It makes sense if it developed when they were young to avoid confrontation with their parents. I also think, that they think its their business what info they tell people (Which it is) but they think its ok to bend the truth and dont see how it hurts their OH.

LegacyUser

No offense, but some girls are just psychos. Sometimes it's easier to say there's no girls there etc than have the following conversation:


GF: Is there any girls there?
BF: Yeah there's a few girls here.
GF: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU CHEATING ON ME???
BF: ??

pookie82

Unregistered wrote: »

No offense, but some girls are just psychos. Sometimes it's easier to say there's no girls there etc than have the following conversation:


GF: Is there any girls there?
BF: Yeah there's a few girls here.
GF: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU CHEATING ON ME???
BF: ??

Sounds to me like it's a bit more than that. Compulsive liars often tend to get into such a habit of it that they lie about meaningless little details all the time for no good reason, meaning you can never trust them no matter what they say. It becomes second nature. OP doesn't sound like she's overbearing, just concerned. Rightly so. It's not an attractive trait and it whittles away at even the strongest of relationships.

Moreover, if he is indeed going out with a "psycho", would the best option not be to leave said psycho and find someone new rather than stay put and compulsively lie?

VaioCruiser

Unregistered wrote: »

I am aware how all this sounds though, that I am making excuses, and by putting up with it I am making my own bed so to speak.

I was just feeling sad this morning thinking I am too old to be putting up with this in a relationship. (I am 28). I might take a break from him for a while to clear my head.

Hi there - I think you said it all in those two sentences.

It's time now that he either gets a grip or goes find someone else. I suggest that you should be telling him that the lies stop here and stop now or you're not interested in continuing. he needs to grow up as others have wisely said.

All the best !

Pythia

I had this issue with an ex. Thing is, no matter how many times I caught him out and got angry about it, he kept doing it. It was one of many things that ruined the relationship. Leopards often don't change their spots so beware.

Mozart1986

Leave him be. Its not a big deal. If something major comes of it post here. Everybody has their wierd little quirks. Atleast this is transparent.

LegacyUser

pookie82 wrote: »

Sounds to me like it's a bit more than that. Compulsive liars often tend to get into such a habit of it that they lie about meaningless little details all the time for no good reason, meaning you can never trust them no matter what they say. It becomes second nature. OP doesn't sound like she's overbearing, just concerned. Rightly so. It's not an attractive trait and it whittles away at even the strongest of relationships.

Moreover, if he is indeed going out with a "psycho", would the best option not be to leave said psycho and find someone new rather than stay put and compulsively lie?

Thanks Pookie, (she has my back!)

Yeah I would never react like that sample conversation! I am not irrational (I may have my moments like anyone does in a relationship where you love the person) and I think I am very easy to talk out of a mood too, so I dont hold a grudge or keep angry at him for too long when we have an argument.

I kinda know when he is lying too, and he sometimes thinks its funny when I second guess whats really is happening. I dont know that Ill get through to him how frustrating it is. And not just for me, I know his mates sometimes give out to him for not answering phone to them for days then having a reason for it (fake).

Oh I dont know. Thanks for all the advice. Im sure I do loads of things to annoy him too. I will be talking to him about it this weekend.