Family Problems

LegacyUser

Well this is a bit of a sensitive subject so I don't know where to start really...to sum things up, I feel like my family is falling apart all because of my dad. My parents have been married for 20+ years, and I'm sure on the outside everything looks normal, but he has always been an aggressive, overly opinionated person, who is extremely successful in his worklife, which unfortunately takes priority for him. It has always been work first, and family second. My mam is a fantastic woman - thats the only way I can really describe her, who has given up everything for me and my siblings, and has always done whatever it takes to give us a good upbringing.

Due to my fathers personality, their relationship has always been fairly turbulant but lately things have gotten to breaking point. Due to my dads behaviour I don't really have any relationship with him and he is honestly nothing to me anymore, I adore my mam and the way that man treats her is unbelievable. He constantly knocks her confidence by making comments about her manner/appearance etc, and has lately just ignored her, and the whole family. About a year ago a row between them became phsyical and he hit her, which I have never forgiven him for. After this incident he promised to get anger management and to sort his temper out but that never materialised. I really don't know what to do anymore, he has never gotten close to physically hurting any of us since and I do fully believe that he is genuinely sorry for the physical abuse and that it will never happen again, however his latest "abuse" is 100 times worse. He doesn't speak to anyone anymore and when he does it is simply a grunt or an attack on one of us, in particular my mam. I can't even count the number of times i've had to comfort her when she was in tears over his treatment of her. I would almost go as far as to say I hate him, and I hate the way that he has destroyed my family. I have told my mam what she has to do - she has to be brave enough to walk away but she is refusing. She feels that it would have an awful effect on my younger siblings (in their very early teens) and that my father is so ruthless she would be left with nothing if a separation/divorce was to occur, which I agree with as he has no compassion for anyone and would, I reckon, happy leave the family with nothing.

This situation is having a massive effect on me. I am 19 years old and have depression due to this. I know that it is killing my mam, and I can't stand to see her like this, but nothing is getting through to him. He honestly has a heart of stone, he doesn't care what he does or who he hurts. He hasn't even expressed a problem with anyone, we're all just getting the ice treatment and I don't know how much more my mam can take. Its gotten to the point where I am begging her to leave him. I really don't know what to do anymore, my mam has so much more to give and I'm telling her to forget about everyone else for once and think about herself, but she refuses. Does anyone have any advice because I need all I can get at the moment. I'm so sorry about the rant, I just needed to let it all out.

roadrunner 1

ummmmm a stalemate... you poor thing. and your 19, do you really hate him or just hate the way he is?

LegacyUser

Hi there, I have never posted on this before but after reading your post I felt I should maybe.

I'm 26 now and when I was your age well I was in your position. Things have gotten better for me now that Im older and have had the means to leave home etc

Your situation is really really very hard and my heart goes out to you. Its very tough. The thing is though, I think for the moment your hands are tied, as in you can only help your mother to a certain extent. You are only 19. As you said yourself it is up to her to have the courage to leave and the means financially, which is really frustrating. I know it is very sad to have to see your mum unhappy and not have the means to help her, i.e money to leave etc. Does your mum have any brothers or sisters she could talk to, or maybe a counsellor or some organisation she could talk to for support? Or do you have anyone outside the family you can talk to? Are you the oldest? You shouldnt have to deal with all of this yourself, maybe try and seek help outside your family?

Your dad sounds like a very unhappy person (maybe there is a reason for this, maybe there isnt) who is taking out his misery on you and your family. Its is probably like talking or shouting at a brick wall? He doesnt appreciate what he has and probably never will until its too late. Dont let his misery taint the good things in your life or affect you and your everyday life (I know easier said than done) Remember he is the one with the problem and the issues.

Im sorry I havent been able to give you much advice, but I will say that life has a funny and strange way of sorting itself out. This happened for me. Be strong and always stand up for yourself. I hope things get better.