No relationship with my father

Jessiegirl

Has anybody cut ties completely with a parent. I've not had a relationship with my dad for 2.5 years (mother dead). What can I say, my sister is the same more or less. He's agressive & abusive and has contributed to mental ill health on my part.

Last night I decided to ring him over a serious issue with my son, he has been interfering malevelontly (he and ex preventing me access). He's been informed via ex's solitcitor's but I always knew I would have to tell him myself for my own peace of mind. He shouted me down on the phone and hung up. I rang his partner instead to leave my message and my stand over my son. I did hear the words 'it's nothing to do with me' and 'wait a minute'...hmm...I made sure to let her know if he had an concerns or anything he wanted to talk to me about son he was welcome to come to me door and do it face to face instead of skulking about behind my back with a 7 year old.
So he definitely hasn't changed. I was shaking like a leaf after that but calmed down after a while but of course it is still disturbing me today to think someone like that is about. I've done a lot of healing work.

I won't be contacting him again myself as it is pointless. I guess I found out what I needed to know last night, that he hasn't changed.
I can't be the only one with an unhinged parent surely?

Kevster

I have not, but I very nearly did cut ties with my parents. However, I know others who have done it as you have done. Answer this one question: Do you have to decide right now that the relationship has been cut/severed forever? The answer is - 'no' - you don't. What you can do instead is take a 'break' from your parents and then see how things ago. It would also be ideal to request an adult conversation with them, so that everyone can get their own opinions out.

xxlilyxx

Nah your not alone i dont talk to my da, him and my ma split up when i was 12 and gradually he jus went outta my life, i've seen him 3 times in the last 2.5yrs, he dosent know anythin about me. Everytime me(21) and my sister(16) tried keepin in contact and meetin him we were left wit the promise that he'd meet us regulary and that never happened so we've jus given up now and to be honest i dont care.

sachamama

hello there.

I cut ties with my Mother because she was interfering in my life, my marriage and she was a toxic influence on my children. I wonder if i did the right thing but the peace and quiet ive had in my life since she is no longer a part of it is proof in itself.

i am a bit confused by your post though because it sounds like your father is interfering in your relationship with your son? Perhaps some more detail on that would be helpful to get a fuller picture of the situation. Either way, if you don't have any contact with your father, it follows logically that your children would not either?

protecting your children and your own mental health is so important.

walk in beaty

Jessiegirl

He sees him via ex. I've never stopped my father having a relationship with his grandchild. My father decided to take 'sides' before I separated and favoured my ex. For example my ex hit me and my father told me it was my fault. Don't try and put logic to my father. When my son is with his dad that is when he sees him. I may have to restrict this further if they don't cop on as they are trying to alienate my son from me imo.
So both he and my ex have been interfering and preventing access. I don't want to go in too much detail.

sachamama

my goodness that is very complicated. So i presume that your ex wouldn't respect your wishes to stop your son seeing your father either.
thats a very difficult situation for you. And your son is so young.

As long as you and your son have a good relationship where you can talk to him and he can talk to you, about mostly anything, thats the most you can do i guess, then if anything happens your son can come to you and talk about it and feel safe.

If things do get bad with your father you could consider getting a barring order against him to cover yourself and your son. that way your ex would have to respect that as it would be the law. however if your ex is the one that hit you, you would need to protect yourself against him as more of a priority. they don't hand barring orders out very easily so it would have to be serious enough to take to court and go through that kind of an ordeal to fight to get it.

Do you have friends to talk to? other family members to support you?

Jessiegirl

Thanks. I don't need barring orders. Of course if my father approached me and attacked me say I could. I could have gone down that road at the time but I didn't. Time has passed. I'm not a bit afraid of either of them now, I've done my healing. I told my father's partner at the weekend on phone that if my father has concerns about his grandson he can come to my door and talk to me face to face. I've opened the channels of communication again. No more can I do. Now I just focus on my son.
Yes it is a very difficult and incredible situation but I have re-established my place in the pecking order and they can't ignore me now

Jessiegirl

Oh and my son does not always feel he can talk to me lately which is very disturbing to me. We've always talked about everything. For example they took him to psychiatrist behind my back. Son never mentioned it but the topic came up a few weeks later when his dad was there too. Son...stumbled and said no he hadn't been to another doctor - he looked to his dad as he did so, unsure of himself. Dreadful to think a young child feels he cannot share (or maybe told not to) important things like this with his mum. That's actually a very dangerous & worrying aspect.
I have to very viligant at present.

sachamama

I'm glad you have done healing for yourself, thats very important. and I'm glad things are not as bad as i thought they were!

About talking with your son, I wonder if you get to spend "fun" time with him? I know lots of separated parents have to do the school run, homework, extra-curricular activities, tidying up mealtime and bedtime,doesn't leave much time for fun things that can bring you closer together.

Its summertime now schools will be closing this week. Maybe you could spend some time with him with no agenda, and get that feeling of closeness back? Go to the aqua park or the zoo or the chocolate factory? the viking tour is great - now i'm assuming you are in dublin! spend some fun time with him might help, with no questions about anything, no pressure, just making happy memories together.