How do I (temporarily) cut contact with her? And feel better about myself?

Carsinian Thau

Apologies if this is too long but I just want to give as much detail as I can to get the best advice possible. And apologies for the trivial nature of this.

There's a girl that I have feelings for. She doesn't feel the same about me. She let me down gently around November of last year. It wasn't very pleasant but some sort of a friendship survived.

A few months later and I still felt the same but she didn't know (having apparently assumed quite a while earlier that my feelings had gone away). It was just me and her in the apartment and she asked me if she could talk to me about something.

It turned out that she had feelings for a mutual friend of ours. They had already fooled around once and she was interested in going for an actual relationship. But she was worried about the effect that it would have on the dynamic of the group of friends that we're all in. I told her that it wouldn't have an effect and that even if it would, she couldn't deny herself a relationship with him because of that. Especially considering how they both felt about each other.

I was quite proud of myself up to this point because it would have been so easy to mess with the chances of the relationship forming and put doubts in her head etc. to serve an agenda that would have benefited myself. But I felt that I was better than that. However, something kinda went wrong in the conversation and suddenly (I have no idea how) she found out that I still felt the same way about her. This wasn't that nice. Cue a conversational tangent of her saying how they wouldn't want to do anything to hurt me etc. (Apparently the mutual friends had realised my feelings for her too. Not sure when though). I responded as best I could saying that that was no reason to not go for it and that even IF it would hurt me, that maybe I needed to be hurt. And that it would be unfair on everyone to deny a relationship based on me.

It was messy and unpleasant and incredibly melodramatic on my part but I felt as though I had still dealt with it reasonably well. I even managed to get her to promise that she'd talk to him about him and her (and to mention me at all) after reassuring her that I didn't have a problem with it. But she didn't need to talk to him about it. He asked her the next day. She broke it to me by asking if I meant what I had said about not having a problem with it. By this point I did have a problem with it so I lied, and said that I had meant what I said and that I had no problem with it. Then I lied some more, and said that I was very happy for them.

By the next day my resolve was beginning to fail and it was obvious from my face that I was a little upset to say the least. But I stuck to my story. However, my reaction was far from ideal. My behaviour was immature and I kinda just sulked for a few hours. And then I sulked for a few days. It was only when I tried to talk it over with a different friend and she asked me "Why can't you just be happy for them?" that I realised that I was being horrible.

I tried to cop myself on. But the same friend came back to me a few days later and actually had to ask me to grow up after a few weeks when the newly formed couple had come into the kitchen where I was and I didn't say anything to them other than "Hello". In my defence I genuinely couldn't think of anything to say and small talk has always been a massive weakness of mine. But it was enough to show things that shouldn't have been shown.

I survived the next few weeks at college by doing nothing other than studying and coming back to the apartment at ridiculously late hours so I couldn't possibly run into them (i had walked in on them on the couch one night and been rendered literally speechless. I then decided for the sake of being polite that I can't be rude if I don't see them so I started doing the late night thing). The upshot of this is that he didn't feel particularly welcome in the apartment. I am sorry for that. I also tried to avoid situations where I would see them together. Some of these were obvious and I do regret that. But at the time, I was unfortunately only thinking of myself.

Anyway I got to summer. Had to leave immediately after the exams because I just couldn't trust myself to behave myself at the parties etc. I skipped the class trip and the little group meetup that happened after that. All to avoid seeing the couple.

Unfortunately, after escaping safely, I did something kinda stupid. I sent a facebook message to the girl asking how things were. I got a nice, pleasant, vaguely generic response. I responded to the message. Now I'm locked in a correspondence with her. This is where the main problem arises:

How do I cut this correspondence with her for the time being while being polite about it? I still want to be her friend but I just feel as though I also need some time. Time to get over her. Properly. But I still don't want to cause a rift between us. Because that would damage my other friendships (I had to spend so much time on my own this year to avoid the couple that I felt really lonely a lot of the time and I don't want to go back to that next year).
I just need some time.

Also, her boyfriend (who was a really good friend of mine), isn't speaking to me anymore because of my behaviour. Does anyone have any pointers to help me patch things up? Even now I suspect that I won't be able to bring the friendship back to what it was.

And the last thing. A few of our other mutual friends now see me in a different light because of what happened. With most of them it's pretty simple: they've lost respect for me for being so petty and childish. With one or two others it's a bit more complicated: they now think I'm a jerk. Can anyone help with this?

Btw, the cutting contact thing is the more pressing issue. I REALLY need help on that one.

Kevster

Hi,

I have been in your situation before, but I have also been in hers. You seem to think that this process of you getting away from her has to be related back through her somehow, but does it really? All you must do is erase her number from your pone, erase her email address, and actually create a new email address if needs be. Nothing - absolutely nothing - lasts forever.

PK2008

Not sure if I read it right- do you live with her/him? Also are these long time friends or college buddies?

Look, we've all been there- tbh you sound like you handled it better than most.

It istn easy having to see it but you just have to bite your tongue and take the pain. put some distance between you and them. Even friends that i like I dont want to be around all the time. the more distance and time the less it will hurt

Carsinian Thau

Kevster wrote: »

Hi,

I have been in your situation before, but I have also been in hers. You seem to think that this process of you getting away from her has to be related back through her somehow, but does it really? All you must do is erase her number from your pone, erase her email address, and actually create a new email address if needs be. Nothing - absolutely nothing - lasts forever.

But she's friends with all my friends and they're all closer to her than me. I don't want any strain or weirdness when i see them again. So I'd like to break contact in a polite manner. So that I can eventually pick it back up again.

Carsinian Thau

PK2008 wrote: »

Not sure if I read it right- do you live with her/him? Also are these long time friends or college buddies?

I used to live with her. He lived elsewhere.

These are college buddies but I hope they'd be long term friends. (I have no friends from secondary school and it's a long college course).

Kevster

Ah, sorry, hat does make things a bit more difficult. However, I still think that it is best to not make a huge deal out of it. If you try to do this amicably, it will not work and the whole situation will be dragged out for a long time I imagine. This will put a strain on everyone. So, I still say to just regard her in your past and to leave it at that. Even when you encounter her on a nght out, put up a 'barrier' and do whatever is necessary to avoid contact. You might not be physically able to avoid her, but you can certainly 'avoid' her in your mind.

There are better people out there.