Why oh why?? Owner of a broken heart

Jessiegirl

Why would somebody say 'I love you' but not really mean it.
Why would someone chase you after you when wanted to leave them (only 'friends' then) commit and make out you are the best thing that had happened to them but not really mean it.
Why would someone seem to accept the distance apart you live but not really mean it.
Why would someone seem to accept your child and what it entails but not really mean it.
Why would someone who apparently cares for you leave you when you needed them most in a time of great stress.
Why would they break up, change to a break, ask you out again, break up again finally....and mess with your head.

Why would someone lie to you, lead you on knowing you loved them dearly and was devoted to them.
Why would they not understand that they had hurt you deeply.


As you can tell I'm have recently been 'dumped' and my heart is sore and sad and aching...
I just don't know how someone could treat another like this. Should I have seen the writing on the wall. Only consolation is that he's finally admitted he has big issues and is going to get some therapy which is great.
I think by turning the blame on me at me at the point of break up it made him feel better about himself. He's never lastest more than a year with anyone & I know why. He made me feel he would be there always though.
Who knows what the future will bring. All I know is that I found my soulmate and now he's gone and I just feel so sad and very hurt.
I'd have him back in a hearbeat (after the therapy of course!!)

PK2008

It takes 2 to tango

Jessiegirl

It does... so I should have known all along that he didn't mean it, is that what you mean?

PK2008

Jessiegirl wrote: »

It does... so I should have known all along that he didn't mean it, is that what you mean?

No, it means that you've painted yourself as a complete victim whose only fault has been to love. That may be true but is often deluded. Maybe stop the blame game if you want to resolve your relationship problems

ie get down off the cross

Micky Dolenz

PK2008 wrote: »

It takes 2 to tango

What the hell does that mean??

Jessie, Sorry for your trouble, I've had my heart broken and it sucks. The only thing is the pain eases over time and you'll laugh about it soon-ish. Belive in yourself

Jessiegirl

No I'm not painting myself as a victim. I had my faults too and things happened that affected our relationship too. However if I have problems I work them out - I don't tell somebody that I love them and then a few months later walk away from them....that's the difference. I would never commit to someone and imply I loved them and walk away.
Love in my book = commitment = working it out...that's what life is about!!
However, I still care deeply and I know this person has issues with himself, don't think he even loves himself.
I have a whole mixture of feelings now...my pain, miss him, worry about him, angry with him, shock...I know it is natural but it sucks.

coolkidd

By the sound of EVERYTHING you are saying, He can't get away quick enough, you have problems and need to sort yourself out, you dont deserve him or anyone for that matter, you should be alone!!

Jessiegirl

I ain't on any cross. I did 11 years with the person before this man and am just used to a bit more of a longhaul. I'm just stating facts about what he said too.
I think most of would agree it is perfectly acceptable to wallow a bit when this happens - it is all part of the grieving process. Rant and ramble a bit.

and..I contacted him today with news that I thought he might like despite my hurt..I'm as grown as I can be..

Jessiegirl

Lol @ coolkidd....well I'm not the one going for therapy but there you go

who what when

coolkidd wrote: »

By the sound of EVERYTHING you are saying, He can't get away quick enough, you have problems and need to sort yourself out, you dont deserve him or anyone for that matter, you should be alone!!

Ignore this post. What a load of horse****!

But to answer your first question which was why would he say he loved you when he didnt, well that may not be the case. He probably does love you but has issues with either himself or your relationship.
For examle i love my girlfriend but really dont see our relationship lasting (more to do with me than her). Try to just accept its over and move on

Jessiegirl

ah thanks who what when & Mickey Dolenz... I really do love him to bits (and I'm far from a young thing and did the long-term before, am a mammy) & truely believe him to be my soulmate for a miriad of reasons...so this is just horrific...we never had an easy ride but it was going to get better and then something bad happened in my life which caused me terrible stress and he couldn't handle it & how I was...and now that stress is gone & so is he and I just want him back, I never got to hug him goodbye or see him one last time

LegacyUser

Jessie...if its any consolation Im in exactly the same boat...Im male though....your situation sounds very very much like mine..

I too am heartbtroken....

In my case an ex of hers re appeared and over a few months our relationship crumbled...

So all I can do now is rebuild and learn the lessons ..
best of luck to you !!

Jessiegirl

Am sorry to hear that. Well if she has gone back to her ex there is nothing you can do.

SarahMc

Sorry to hear it didn't work out. I posted on your earlier thread. You should nurse your heart for a little while, and take from this that you will heed red flags in the future.

Jessiegirl

Thanks very much Sarah for your kind words x

ellie1

Lol @ coolkidd....well I'm not the one going for therapy but there you go

I think you should see a counsellor/therapist as I think you may have some issues that may warrent some professional help

Jessiegirl

Like what? Like how not to wear your heart on your sleeve and give people the benefit of the doubt issues?

ellie1

how long were you seeing this man?

Jessiegirl

ellie, thanks but it's over now and I want to forget it. this was bumped up by someone tonight

ellie1

ok but please look for professional help. I think you will find it useful. You clearly have many issues going on in your life and although boards is an a very helpful site to many sometimes people use it for issues that clearly require professional input.

Jessiegirl

Well how do you know I don't already. What is it with some people.

ellie1

you said you were not above

Wibbs

OK folks lets ease off the jumping to conclusions re professional help.

Jessiegirl

Thanks Wibbs, now can somebody please tell me how to go about getting all my posts on Boards deleted.

Liam Byrne

I'm not saying that these ARE the case, or SHOULD be the case, but they're definitely OCCASIONALLY the case :

Jessiegirl wrote: »

Why would somebody say 'I love you' but not really mean it.

In order to score or get a shag.

Jessiegirl wrote: »

Why would someone chase you after you when wanted to leave them (only 'friends' then) commit and make out you are the best thing that had happened to them but not really mean it.

Wanting what you can't have; everyone's done it at some stage.

Jessiegirl wrote: »

Why would someone seem to accept the distance apart you live but not really mean it.

Distance = own space. And in the early days it can seem surmountable. But it can easily get in the way a while after someone initially reckons it ain't an issue.

Jessiegirl wrote: »

Why would someone seem to accept your child and what it entails but not really mean it.

Again, in early days it can be glossed over, but staying in/babysitting/not being able to - for want of a better phrase - "discipline", or otherwise not being a parent and so not wanting to cross the line can all gradually chip away at things if other things aren't going right.

Jessiegirl wrote: »

Why would someone who apparently cares for you leave you when you needed them most in a time of great stress.

Because while you can empathise with someone's problems, they're not yours; while you can support someone, they have to deal with those problems themselves. And one person's "time of great stress" can be something that someone else would view as relatively trivial and be seen as an over-reaction; difficult to call without knowing details.

And given what you said about counselling, maybe he couldn't handle it ?

Jessiegirl wrote: »

Why would they break up, change to a break, ask you out again, break up again finally....and mess with your head.

Depends. Not being able to cope, but hoping that things will work out/change ? Been there.

You're focussing on the "mess with your head" aspect, but that may have been the result, and not the intention.

Jessiegirl wrote: »

Why would someone lie to you, lead you on knowing you loved them dearly and was devoted to them.

Again, that's an emotive, one-sided version. If you indicated what happened, we may be able to advise.

Jessiegirl wrote: »

Why would they not understand that they had hurt you deeply.

Some people are "hurt deeply" by throwaway comments or by not being thought of; the cause of the hurt may not even make sense. Again, we'd need to know the specifics in order to have some idea whether the "hurt deeply" had any level of justification as a reaction.

Jessiegirl wrote: »

As you can tell I'm have recently been 'dumped' and my heart is sore and sad and aching...

Sorry to hear that.

Jessiegirl wrote: »

I just don't know how someone could treat another like this.

None of the above indicate how exactly you were treated.

Jessiegirl wrote: »

Only consolation is that he's finally admitted he has big issues and is going to get some therapy which is great.

Yes, it is. And if there was therapy required/involved, then maybe you're better off out of it, at least for the moment. Who knows what will happen when he does sort himself out ? But no point you being dragged down in the meantime.

Jessiegirl wrote: »

I think by turning the blame on me at me at the point of break up it made him feel better about himself.

Often done. And often partially true. And sometimes complete bull****. Hard to tell.

Jessiegirl wrote: »

He's never lastest more than a year with anyone & I know why. He made me feel he would be there always though.
Who knows what the future will bring.

All I know is that I found my soulmate and now he's gone and I just feel so sad and very hurt. I'd have him back in a hearbeat (after the therapy of course!!)

Therefore, he couldn't possibly be your "soulmate" - at least not at the moment and while he makes you feel like that. We'll keep our fingers crossed for you, but at the moment it could be interpreted that - having stuck in there, you've a lot of hurt and venom toward him because your "investment" in this didn't work out.

But try to be realistic; from what you posted above, he was NOT your soulmate.

Maybe there was something real there that "things" got the better of; maybe you're one of these people drawn to "damaged" people hoping to make things better for them.....that's great when it works (temporarily) but it's a disaster when it starts to fall apart.

BTW, not being harsh; been there. One of the few exes I've no particular interest in seeing ever again, because I - like you, maybe ? - wouldn't know whether to hate her or hate her "issues" and hope they were gone and land myself in the same **** again.

He's not (currently, anyway) your "soulmate". If he gets sorted out, who knows ? But no point in both of you being damaged. And given your "time of great stress", you might be better off apart, at least for the moment.

Look, I know some of the above might sound harsh, and I don't really mean to.

But without the specifics the above seems like "victim" mentality and drama; understandable to a point given the break-up - "dumping" - but it sounds like it wasn't great and the "soulmate" idea was way off....

If that turns out to be temporary, and the "issues" get solved, then great!

And if it doesn't, remind yourself of all of the above and how it made you feel, and try to move on.....

Best of luck!

Jessiegirl

That's not harsh at all. Thanks for taking the time to post so much.

Remember the original post was posted out of hurt and pain. Once we step back we can see more clearly. Soulmates, well we can have soulmates but doesn't mean we can be with them.

We all have 'stuff' as you call it. So very few of us are our true selves. We are us and then we are our '****'. I know what my **** is and I deal with it all the time. At this stage I'm detaching now with no contact for a few days that has become easier. Am just glad he's going to deal with his problems, so he can have a happier and fuller life.

You probably hit the nail on the head. I'm like the ISPCA for men....all the unwanted and difficult pups attract me

VaioCruiser

Jessiegirl wrote: »

Why would somebody say 'I love you' but not really mean it.
Why would someone chase you after you when wanted to leave them (only 'friends' then) commit and make out you are the best thing that had happened to them but not really mean it.
Why would someone seem to accept the distance apart you live but not really mean it.
Why would someone seem to accept your child and what it entails but not really mean it.
Why would someone who apparently cares for you leave you when you needed them most in a time of great stress.
Why would they break up, change to a break, ask you out again, break up again finally....and mess with your head.

Why would someone lie to you, lead you on knowing you loved them dearly and was devoted to them.
Why would they not understand that they had hurt you deeply.


As you can tell I'm have recently been 'dumped' and my heart is sore and sad and aching...
I just don't know how someone could treat another like this. Should I have seen the writing on the wall. Only consolation is that he's finally admitted he has big issues and is going to get some therapy which is great.
I think by turning the blame on me at me at the point of break up it made him feel better about himself. He's never lastest more than a year with anyone & I know why. He made me feel he would be there always though.
Who knows what the future will bring. All I know is that I found my soulmate and now he's gone and I just feel so sad and very hurt.
I'd have him back in a hearbeat (after the therapy of course!!)

I am so so sorry Jessie - I really do feel the pain you are going through. I recently had a bizarre experience not unlike yours though not after 11 years, I hasten to add.

Nothing I say, or anyone else here is going to say will ease your pain. The feeling of rejection, of irrationality, the pain of loss, of waste and betrayal....

Only time will help. Lots of it.

Then you will realise that much as we all try our best, some of us are flawed and carry baggage and scars of previous experiences and sometimes people are really very irrational. Sometimes there is no real explanation. Sometimes there are 1,000 reasons.

It is very very probably that he meant all of those things when he said them. It is very probably that he may have convinced himself of that, or that something else triggered him to flip his views....

On the flip side.... I have to say to you in all seriousness that it is rare that both parties do not make their own contribution to this kind of situation. I am not saying it was your fault... but a relationship is a chemical mix of both parties and the end result is often the responsibility of both.

Once the pain eases you need to reach a point of acceptance of his flaws and the role you both played and an acceptance of where you now find yourself and the fact that you have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get stuck into life and the joys your child is bringing you ..

All the best !!

Liam Byrne

Jessiegirl wrote: »

We all have 'stuff' as you call it. So very few of us are our true selves. We are us and then we are our '****'.

Interesting separation, however the ****e - and our reaction to it - is what defines us.

If someone always had it easy and was happy-go-lucky, you'd probably say "poxy gob****e"

If someone had been through **** and was STILL happy-go-lucky, you'd say "fair play", because THAT shows a strong character.

Easier said than done (and we all have strong days and weak days) but in many ways we are "who we are" because of the **** that happens to us....

PLUS (and this is important) how we choose to react to / cope with that ****.

No-one's a rock, and no-one's perfect; and sometimes it takes time and friends for us to work through to a point of being able to cope.

But it does happen.

And already - from your latest post - I can see an improvement.....keep at it!

Jessiegirl

I talk like that Liam from the healing work I've done over recent years. Emotional healing, the secret is in finding ourselves again, untouched unblemished. We will always have our 'issues' that stick to us as we pass through life but it is how we chose to deal with them that counts. Living in the Now is also very helpful when dealing with difficuties in relationships.
I'm much better now thanks. I was a bit melodramatic in my OP but of course it still hurts and I miss him.

LegacyUser

Jessiegirl wrote: »

I talk like that Liam from the healing work I've done over recent years. Emotional healing, the secret is in finding ourselves again, untouched unblemished. We will always have our 'issues' that stick to us as we pass through life but it is how we chose to deal with them that counts. Living in the Now is also very helpful when dealing with difficuties in relationships.
I'm much better now thanks. I was a bit melodramatic in my OP but of course it still hurts and I miss him.

Jessie..Im male but in the same boat as you (exact same..i posted up earlier in thsi thread..0 I have to say this whoel thread is also helping me...so thank you...

Jessiegirl

you're welcome, though I don't know how it can be exact same - unless you are my ex