Feel threathened

LegacyUser

I know this is my issue and I should probably just deal with.

My boyfriend of 7 months' best friend is a girl, he shares a house with her and her boyfriend and another guy. I've been of the opinion for some time now that guys and girls can't be friends and there is always one party that wants more, in my own experience any guy I've become close with has ended up having feelings for me, but I am open to the fact that I could be wrong so when we started seeing each other I just sort of put it out of my head.

It was fine for a while but their closeness is starting to bother me. Her boyfriend is away alot during the week and some evenings when I call over they could be having dinner together, or even just sitting together in the garden or watching tv. I know these are normal things you'd do when living with someone but I can't help feeling like a third wheel or I am interrupting when I arrive. Also I feel really left out when they start reminiscing about all the good times they've had or laugh about the "you'd have to have been there" jokes.

I love my boyfriend, he is the best person I know and I would never try to come between him and a friend.

He isn't doing anything to intentionally make me feel this way and I know it's my problem but I just feel that I can't compete and I'll never have the same closeness.

Has anyone every been in this situation? How did you deal with it? I have no intention of ending it so what can I do?

shellyboo

Unregistered wrote: »

Has anyone every been in this situation? How did you deal with it? I have no intention of ending it so what can I do?

Unfortunately you're just going to have to deal with it. I have a very close male friend that I live with and have been having similar problems with his gf... but at the end of the day, she has nothing to worry about. He's like my brother, and that's how I view our relationship, he's family to me.

Would you feel as threatened if he was this close to a female relative? If you think of it in those terms, it takes the whole sexual aspect of it out of the equation...

LegacyUser

I haven't been causing problems SHellyboo. My boyfriend or his friend have no idea that I'm feeling like this.

TBH I probably would think it was a bit strange for him to be this close to say a sibling or cousin, and it's not really about it being sexual. I just don't think I'll ever be as important to him

shellyboo

Unregistered wrote: »

I haven't been causing problems SHellyboo. My boyfriend or his friend have no idea that I'm feeling like this.

Never said you were... I said I was in a similar situation, except this girl IS causing problems.

Unregistered wrote: »

TBH I probably would think it was a bit strange for him to be this close to say a sibling or cousin, and it's not really about it being sexual. I just don't think I'll ever be as important to him

It's not a competition, though...

LegacyUser

shellyboo wrote: »

Never said you were... I said I was in a similar situation, except this girl IS causing problems.

Apologies, my mistake.

shellyboo wrote: »

It's not a competition, though...

I shouldn't have to be, thats the problem. I think if you are in love with someone and committed to that person you put them before everyone else. I don't thank that will ever happen here and it is not nice to feel second best to a friend, no matter what the sex.

LegacyUser

sunflower27 wrote: »

How is the girl causing problems by simply being this guy's mate? I dont get it? They live together, they spend time together, doesn't mean he wants to be with her or that the OP should feel left out.

OP here, I never said this girls caused any problem so please read the posts if you are going to reply.

The problem lies with me feeling left out. At times it is more like THEY are they are the couple and I'm a third wheel, that's what the issue is.

Would you feel left out if you were around too people who have loads of little "in-jokes" and spend a large amount of time reminiscing about all the good times they've ahd together, without you??? I don't believe there is anyone that wouldn't feel left out in this situation.

CDfm

I have several women friends and Im a man. So OP I think you are overreacting.

Its a friend thing to have in jokes.

John Mason

Unregistered wrote: »

Would you feel left out if you were around too people who have loads of little "in-jokes" and spend a large amount of time reminiscing about all the good times they've ahd together, without you??? .

but thats life isnt it? there is always going to be someone or a group of people who will know your bf longer then you, and stories and in jokes ?

from your posts sound like are making a mountain out of a mole hill. does your bf or this girl go out of their way to make feel left out?

you should be embracing these stories, your are your bf past and should give you an insight into your bf, i love hearing stories about my oh and if his friends are talking about something i dont know about i say "so what then"

LegacyUser

I really don't think I am making mountains out of molehills. This happens quite alot. I just don't think it's right that they are this close. I've often noticed they are physically affectionate with each other too, as in touching each others hair, arms, legs during conversation. I just don't feel it's right.

He ahs other female friends are there are no issues with them.

HouseHippo

Some of my best friends in fact my 3 closest friends are men. Neither of us in any case want more......in fact the thought repulses us.We are all in seperate relationships and the thoughts of being with them is like being with my own brother...


Not all friends want to ****!

Eve_Dublin

Unregistered wrote: »

I really don't think I am making mountains out of molehills. This happens quite alot. I just don't think it's right that they are this close. I've often noticed they are physically affectionate with each other too, as in touching each others hair, arms, legs during conversation. I just don't feel it's right.

He ahs other female friends are there are no issues with them.

Hey OP, not having a go at you here as we've all been victim or on the receiving end of the Green-Eyed Monster but you did admit in your original post that this was your problem so you can't keep defending your jealousy, in fairness.

Personally I think it's great when I know my OHs have female friends...it shows they can get along and like women and not just view them in a sexual way PLUS it makes it a bit less intimidating when you're hanging out with his mates when there's a few females to have a natter with instead of 15 brawny men. It shows he's a more rounded character and can get along with both sexes with ease. That's pretty cool in my book.

It's the fact that she's a close FEMALE friend that's bugging you? We all have old friends who know us better than any fella that comes along. If there was anything else going on, I can't imagine they'd be all touchy-feely affectionate right in front of you?? Surely they'd be hiding their feelings from you and even each other from shame...this kind of openness would set my mind at ease. This sounds like a platonic friendship to me and nothing to worry about.

One last question: how well do you know this girl?? Could you try and get to know her on her own? Invite her out for a drink or make some excuse to have her on her own for a day? That way you could know them both as individuals and not a "pair" and it would seem less threatening and you'd feel less like the 3rd wheel.

And remember: you know your OH in ways she could NEVER know him (and I'm not just talking about the physical aspect of it) and over time, you'll have more memories to reminisce about in the future.

Good luck!

VaioCruiser

Unregistered wrote: »

Apologies, my mistake.



I shouldn't have to be, thats the problem. I think if you are in love with someone and committed to that person you put them before everyone else. I don't thank that will ever happen here and it is not nice to feel second best to a friend, no matter what the sex.

Oh dear... You seem to me to be confused about what love is and what you expect it to be. You say you believe love is putting you first. Yet I see no evidence of him putting you second.
How can one person fill every single aspect of another person's life ? ever. Does he have to have no other close friends to satisfy this demand ? Does he have to forgo every other emotional involvement with every other human being to satisfy it ? Can he never enjoy any different aspect of human relations with anyone else but you ? Will you give up your best girl friends for him ? forever ? Will you ? Is your model of love that he places himself in a cage for your enjoyment only ?
If you truly love him then you should be happy when he has good close friends, when he has special connections with other people as well as you. If you love him you should realise that men and women have different facets of their personality's and need other outlets for them. He needs to have different friends who give him different kinds of fulfillment. That does not mean he doesn't love you. It means he is a human being, a complex human being, like the rest of us.

kaki

I'll just say, in support of the op, although the feelings of jealousy and being threatened aren't technically justified, they're still perfectly valid and understandable. I'm going through a similiarly rough patch with my bf, where the other girl is his ex, who followed him over to Cork from Italy after their university degree, and still currently shares a room with him...

VaioCruiser's post is spot on though. Your boyfriend can't have a healthy, fulfilled balanced life if he is restricted to only see certain male friends. Humans are complicated, we need as much input as possible from all of the people around us that we know, and care about.

But if it bothers you this much, don't bottle it up. Talk to him - then he would know how threatened you feel, and maybe would tone it down. Alternatively you can decide together if it's something you can get past together, or a dealbreaker.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

I've been of the opinion for some time now that guys and girls can't be friends and there is always one party that wants more, in my own experience any guy I've become close with has ended up having feelings for me

As a guy in my mid-thirties, I have to tell you that it is possible for guys and girls to be friends. There are girls I used to work with, girls I have met while travelling, girls I now work with, girls I did courses with and girls who are members of clubs I belong to - all of whom are friends of mine who I have no desire to sleep with and who have no desire to sleep with me.

I have male friends who do not believe it possible to be friends with girls but I think that that's down to their inability to make good friends with females. And, I think that they miss out a lot because of that.

When they see me getting along well with a girl, they presume we'll end up together. That's not the way I roll. They believe that if a girl shows them attention that that can only lead to one thing....









We won;t and can't fancy every girl we get on with.

If

pookie82

I think people are being unnecessaily harsh on the op. She has not expressed discontent with him having female friends so I don't think that's the issue. The issue is ONE PARTICULAR female friend. One he seems a lot closer to than the others, maybe even closer to than he is to her.

I don't think that after seven months of investing in a relationship it's unreasonable to question this or be a little uncomfortable about it. OP as you have already admitted, the problem is yours. But that doesn't mean it's any less prevalent. I have to say if my OH was as close as that to a girl he lived with, to the extent that it made me feel left out/like a third wheel when I walked into the same room, of course I'd have a problem with that. Do you have a history of being a jealous person? It could be that you picked up in the bond they seem to enjoy and this made you far more aware of every joke/shared memory/moments on the couch/having dinner.

I think you need to talk to him. Doesn't sound like it will get better on its own. Don't come in the heavy and challenge him, just mention casually one evening that sometimes they make you feel a little left out. If they're constantly reminiscing in your presence about places you haven't been and in-jokes you couldn't "get" unless you were there then that's insensitive and annoying. No need to ask him to stop seeing her etc (not possible anyway if they live together) but maybe if he was more aware of how they made you feel when you were around them he'd make more of an effort to include you. It could be that they have no idea how they're making you feel.

Only thing is, he may mention your unease to her and make her feel awkward around you. It could just make things more tense. It doesn't sound like you'll overcome it without speaking to him, though. People here may tell you that you're being irrational and unfair and not to say anything, but if you're in a healthy relationship you should be able to share and solve even the silliest fears and insecurities. No one is perfect.

Edit: on the male/female mates issue - they both have other halves, so I sincerely doubt there's anything more than a genuine friendship going on. If they really have been mates for that long and wanted something more to come of it, I'm sure it would have by now. I've often developed a great bond with guys I've lived with, but wouldn't have dreamed of being with them in any other way. Friendhships between members of the opposite sex can and do occur in a purely platonic sense.

LegacyUser

Pookie82, Kaki and Eve_Dublin thank you for your replies. There is some food for thought there. I don't know if I want to bring it up with bf as I don't want to be creating issues where there is no need. I met my boyfriend through this girl, we had already been friends (not close friends by any stretch) but we would have socialised together and I do know her as an individual.

VaioCruiser your post really irritated me. I'm sure you believe you have some special insight into love that the rest of us are lacking and have come up with the mosty accurate definition for it. Fact is you are in no position to tell me or anyone else that I am confused about what love is. Nor did I say anywhere that I am the only person that should fill every aspect of his life. In fact I already pointed out that I would never try to restrict his friendships. Your post wast patronising and did not make one valid point.

As for the other replies, I have already said I am open to the fact that I am wrong on the point of wether males & females can be friends so I don't need your examples and they aren't helpful. They are still the exception to the rule. Besides I know this isn't a sexual relationship and I KNOW that my bf is not cheating on me with her.

I've also said that I don't want to and would never try to restrict his friendships.

I am not a jealous person, my boyfriend has lots of female friends. It's the closeness of one particular friend that bothers me.

Nitxteha

I think you only need more confidence and you gain conficence in a relationship with time. The more you get to know your boyfriend, the less it's going to bother you situations like this.

star.chaser

Unregistered wrote: »

I know this is my issue and I should probably just deal with.

My boyfriend of 7 months' best friend is a girl, he shares a house with her and her boyfriend and another guy. I've been of the opinion for some time now that guys and girls can't be friends and there is always one party that wants more, in my own experience any guy I've become close with has ended up having feelings for me, but I am open to the fact that I could be wrong so when we started seeing each other I just sort of put it out of my head.

It was fine for a while but their closeness is starting to bother me. Her boyfriend is away alot during the week and some evenings when I call over they could be having dinner together, or even just sitting together in the garden or watching tv. I know these are normal things you'd do when living with someone but I can't help feeling like a third wheel or I am interrupting when I arrive. Also I feel really left out when they start reminiscing about all the good times they've had or laugh about the "you'd have to have been there" jokes.

I love my boyfriend, he is the best person I know and I would never try to come between him and a friend.

He isn't doing anything to intentionally make me feel this way and I know it's my problem but I just feel that I can't compete and I'll never have the same closeness.

Has anyone every been in this situation? How did you deal with it? I have no intention of ending it so what can I do?

you certainly have a great imagination. I'll give you that much

shellyboo

Unregistered wrote: »

I am not a jealous person, my boyfriend has lots of female friends. It's the closeness of one particular friend that bothers me.

Well OP, realistically, what do you want to happen here? To be closer and more important to your boyfriend than this girl? She's known him longer, and it's not up to you to tell him who he's allowed be close to. A good friend understands that they can't come first 100% of the time - that includes boyfriends and girlfriends.

I'm particularly sore about this cos my housemate's gf is doing this to me at the moment, she's driving a wedge between us and it's breaking my heart. The best advice that I can offer you is to put up and shut up, because if you say this to either of them, it's only going to breed resentment. My housemate now puts his gf first to the extent that when I broke up with my bf last week and came into the kitchen in tears he didn't even get up, he didn't ask me if I was ok, he didn't say a word to me for fear his gf would think he was playing favourites. I'm sure you don't want to be that kind of gf and I can see that you're trying not to be.

There's nothing they can do to make you feel better about this, they're not doing anything wrong. So the answer has to come from inside you. Basically, you're just going to have to find a way to deal with it, however hard that may be.

LegacyUser

star.chaser wrote: »

you certainly have a great imagination. I'll give you that much

Huh... ?????


shellyboo that is what I want. There come a point in most peoples lives where this happens. You meet someone, you fall in love and friendships start to take a back seat, good friends under stand that.

all I can say is maybe the problem isn't the other girl. maybe you're relationship is un-naturally close. You can't always assume that the problem is the other persons.

shellyboo

Unregistered wrote: »

shellyboo that is what I want. There come a point in most peoples lives where this happens. You meet someone, you fall in love and friendships start to take a back seat, good friends under stand that.

all I can say is maybe the problem isn't the other girl. maybe you're relationship is un-naturally close. You can't always assume that the problem is the other persons.

And I think you should take some of your own advice

Also, the whole friendships taking a back seat thing maybe happens when you move in together or get married, but it certainly shouldn't be happening after 7 months. Way, way too soon to be overhauling your whole life for someone and pushing your friends away.

I don't think it's healthy to want to be No. 1 all the time. But that's just me. If you want your bf all to yourself, that's your choice... but there's no way of expressing that without causing trouble. So you either have to be ok with causing trouble and making him distance himself from someone he cares about, or you have to just put up with it. There's no middle ground here, I'm afraid.

LegacyUser

shellyboo wrote: »

And I think you should take some of your own advice

Also, the whole friendships taking a back seat thing maybe happens when you move in together or get married, but it certainly shouldn't be happening after 7 months. Way, way too soon to be overhauling your whole life for someone and pushing your friends away.

I don't think it's healthy to want to be No. 1 all the time. But that's just me. If you want your bf all to yourself, that's your choice... but there's no way of expressing that without causing trouble. So you either have to be ok with causing trouble and making him distance himself from someone he cares about, or you have to just put up with it. There's no middle ground here, I'm afraid.

Shellyboo firstly I am considering moving in with my boyfriend, he is in the middle of buying a house and has asked me to think about moving in with him when it's ready in a couple of months. In fact it's closer to a few weeks at this stage and I want to be sure there are no issues between us before I decide. I'm not pushing friends away, and I don't expect him to but good friends understand that they take a back seat at times.

Also who are you to comment on how soon it is too be doing anything. All relationships move at different paces, you're no expert.

I don't want to be number one all the time and I dont want my bf all tomyself either. I just want to know that I come first with him, like he does with me.

LegacyUser

well i can see the OP point of view. i had a boyfriend who was close firends with a girl. knew each other for years, shared private jokes, knew each others families well, the usual, i did feel uncomfortable at times paranoid, insecure, jealous, all those things. anyway long story short he's now married to her and i was given the boot. thing is my instinct was right all along. if he has other female friends and you dont feel the same when they are around then you do have to kind of wonder why you feel uncomforable about this particular girl. p.s this may not be the case for you. i am just saying your instinct can be a lot stronger then people give it credit.

shellyboo

Unregistered wrote: »

Shellyboo firstly I am considering moving in with my boyfriend, he is in the middle of buying a house and has asked me to think about moving in with him when it's ready in a couple of months. In fact it's closer to a few weeks at this stage and I want to be sure there are no issues between us before I decide. I'm not pushing friends away, and I don't expect him to but good friends understand that they take a back seat at times.

Also who are you to comment on how soon it is too be doing anything. All relationships move at different paces, you're no expert.

I don't want to be number one all the time and I dont want my bf all tomyself either. I just want to know that I come first with him, like he does with me.

Sigh, fine. You're 100% right. You don't need our advice at all. your boyfriend is being insensitive and his friend is a bltch.

Better?

What I am TRYING to point out to you is that there is NO SOLUTION to this problem, other than telling your bf how you feel. If you tell him, it will drive a wedge between him and his friend. A good, loving gf would not do that. You know yourself you don't want to do that. Right? You wouldn't want him to lose a friend over your insecurity, would you?

You say that good friends take a back seat at times - are you not a good friend to your partner? Can't you take a back seat at times while he enjoys time with his friend? Wouldn't you expect the same from him, to give you time for your friends? Would you not go mental if he told you that you were "too close" to one of your mates?

All I'm saying is there's nothing you can actually do to fix this. And the ONLY option open to you is to get over it.

LegacyUser

shellyboo wrote: »

Sigh, fine. You're 100% right. You don't need our advice at all. your boyfriend is being insensitive and his friend is a bltch.

Better?

What I am TRYING to point out to you is that there is NO SOLUTION to this problem, other than telling your bf how you feel. If you tell him, it will drive a wedge between him and his friend. A good, loving gf would not do that. You know yourself you don't want to do that. Right? You wouldn't want him to lose a friend over your insecurity, would you?

You say that good friends take a back seat at times - are you not a good friend to your partner? Can't you take a back seat at times while he enjoys time with his friend? Wouldn't you expect the same from him, to give you time for your friends? Would you not go mental if he told you that you were "too close" to one of your mates?

All I'm saying is there's nothing you can actually do to fix this. And the ONLY option open to you is to get over it.

I don need advise Shellyboo. I just think that your's is understandably biased

CDfm

shellyboo wrote: »

Sigh, fine. You're 100% right. You don't need our advice at all. your boyfriend is being insensitive and his friend is a bltch.

All I'm saying is there's nothing you can actually do to fix this. And the ONLY option open to you is to get over it.

+1

I agree people do have platonic friendships. I think the OP is mistaking the gameplaying and rituals people go thru for intimacy and wonders why she isnt involved.

Some people can do this easily and others cant. OP I dont think you can or you would appreciate it. THats not a criticism BTW.Some people think its juvenile or even camp.

Its more a control thing to say he has to abandon the silliness of this friendship routine because he is paying someone else attention however innocently.

Now you on the other hand are the one he asked to consider living with him. When you do in your own space you will be the guys with the routines etc.

shellyboo

Unregistered wrote: »

I don need advise Shellyboo. I just think that your's is understandably biased

If you're not willing to take advice from someone on the other side of the EXACT situation you're in, I really don't think you're going to get very far.

I've been you, I've been the gf who's jealous of the close female friend. It's horrible, but I kept my mouth shut about it because I knew it was my problem, my insecurity, my issue. And I dealt with it the best way I knew how, and I didn't let it affect my relationship. And that was the right thing to do.

Jesus Juice

I have the exact same realationship with one of my friends whos a girl,I mean it annoys EVERYONE when were together because we have so many private jokes and stuff that no one else gets let alone my GF!,I think the OP is worrying about nothing because I have no feelings what so ever about my friend in that way,i mean,I think she hot but thats just me being a lad.Thats as far as it goes and I love my GF more then anything.BTW would you be as worried if this friend was male?

LegacyUser

OP I've been in your position, and I understand completely where you're coming from. I shared a house wiht my (now) ex, two girl friends of his. I didn't realise how close he was with this girl as he rarely mentioned her before, but after moving in, i was upset by the level of closeness, not out of insane jealousy, as he had lots of female friends i never had probs wiht, but because of my instinct. i denied it at the time, but it turns out i was right. their relaitonship made me uncomfortable, i kept quiet about it, and after we split, she tried to sleep with him and professed her love....i know he wouldnt have cheated, but it amazes me that he never realised when i did that there was something else behind her 'friendship'.....

guys and girls can be mates but often, there's chemistry of some sort, whether the person chooses to act on that depends on a lot of reasons....

you sound reasonable, and my only advice is to try and judge impassionately how u feel....is it jealousy, is it just her or other girls....if it's just her, you might be picking up on something else...it might be all one sided ie like it was with the girl i lived with.....having friends is one thing, but sharing a level of intimacy comparable to that of a partner is something ot be concerned with....bringing it up prob wont solve things as he might not realise what's going/want to admit it, so some tough questions ahead

LegacyUser

i have the same problem but i made the effort to be good friends with her (them) and it works however tonight he's gone out with one of them doing somethin we had planned to do together at the weekend (long distance relatioship) claimin he couldnt wait (just a game of badminton but it was somethin we wanted to try together) and naturally i am distraught that she took my place in plans we made together needless to say he thinks nothing of it

if you're upset by her all i can say is try and closer to her and them as a pair so u dont feel as left out

it works mostly

LegacyUser

This is an easy one......

You go and start spending time with a male friend of yours. Make sure when your boyfriend is around the pair of you, start acting friendlier than normal, lick your lips, play with your hair, listen to him with a smile smacked onto your face, and laugh alot.

(Remember to put in the occasional "He's soooo Funny!" comment when your alone with your boyfriend)

If your boyfriend doesnt seem to become anxious or agitated about this situation after a reasonable amount of time then he's Definitely cheating on you with this girl......

Around this time you should prob go and sleep with your male friend to get back at your boyfriend.

Its the classic female solution.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

This is an easy one......

You go and start spending time with a male friend of yours. Make sure when your boyfriend is around the pair of you, start acting friendlier than normal, lick your lips, play with your hair, listen to him with a smile smacked onto your face, and laugh alot.

(Remember to put in the occasional "He's soooo Funny!" comment when your alone with your boyfriend)

If your boyfriend doesnt seem to become anxious or agitated about this situation after a reasonable amount of time then he's Definitely cheating on you with this girl......

Around this time you should prob go and sleep with your male friend to get back at your boyfriend.

Its the classic female solution.

Did you miss the part where I said I love my boyfriend. I would never hurt him like that!

Das Kitty

Unregistered wrote: »

shellyboo that is what I want. There come a point in most peoples lives where this happens. You meet someone, you fall in love and friendships start to take a back seat, good friends under stand that.

all I can say is maybe the problem isn't the other girl. maybe you're relationship is un-naturally close. You can't always assume that the problem is the other persons.

So you want to happen to this girl exactly what is happening to Shellyboo, in spite of her telling you how horrible it is. You want your boyfriend to break his friend's heart in some show of loyalty to you? You say you're not a jealous person, but you know what, from all your replies, you come across as insanely jealous.

And OP, I don't recall Shellyboo looking for your advice, so why are you giving it?

My advice would be not to move in with him, for his sake and that of his friend.

LegacyUser

Das Kitty wrote: »

So you want to happen to this girl exactly what is happening to Shellyboo, in spite of her telling you how horrible it is. You want your boyfriend to break his friend's heart in some show of loyalty to you? You say you're not a jealous person, but you know what, from all your replies, you come across as insanely jealous.

And OP, I don't recall Shellyboo looking for your advice, so why are you giving it?

My advice would be not to move in with him, for his sake and that of his friend.

I didn't say I wanted anything to happen to this girl.

There is no need for Shellyboo's heart to be breaking, and it really isn't my problem. If she cared for her friend, she wouldn't cause problems in his relationship & would know when to take a step back.

I think her advise is biased, and I am perfectly entitled to explain why. I don't recall her asking you to fight her battles, so why are you doing that?

Lemming

Unregistered wrote: »

Also who are you to comment on how soon it is too be doing anything. All relationships move at different paces, you're no expert.

OP, I would suggest you remember that you're no expert either. Who is?

I don't want to be number one all the time and I dont want my bf all tomyself either. I just want to know that I come first with him, like he does with me.

Yes. Yes you do want to be number one all the time. You may say you don't, but everything you've written thus far says the complete opposite, as much as you might protest innocence of it.

Unregistered wrote: »

I don need advise Shellyboo.

If you don't need advise, then why on gods green earth did you bother posting in the first place since you already know all the answers? Did you want everyone to just nod their heads in tacit agreement and sympathise with your insecure jealousy and lay all the blame on somebody else?

OP, in all honesty, I think shellyboo has it right on the head here and is speaking from experience with a similar situation. This is your issue and yours alone. If you bring it up you will start to create barriers and breed resentment.

Unregistered wrote: »

This is an easy one......

You go and start spending time with a male friend of yours. Make sure when your boyfriend is around the pair of you, start acting friendlier than normal, lick your lips, play with your hair, listen to him with a smile smacked onto your face, and laugh alot.

(Remember to put in the occasional "He's soooo Funny!" comment when your alone with your boyfriend)

If your boyfriend doesnt seem to become anxious or agitated about this situation after a reasonable amount of time then he's Definitely cheating on you with this girl......

Around this time you should prob go and sleep with your male friend to get back at your boyfriend.

Its the classic female solution.

The above is also a "classic solution" in being considered absolutely petty, pathetic, & told to F.O.A.D. And in any case, who let a child into the forum?

Wibbs

OK folks lets ease up on the sniping and if you have a problem with a post or a poster, then please use the report post button a la the charter. Thanks.

shellyboo

Unregistered wrote: »

There is no need for Shellyboo's heart to be breaking, and it really isn't my problem. If she cared for her friend, she wouldn't cause problems in his relationship & would know when to take a step back.

There is also no need for you to be jealous. And, if my friend's gf cared for him, he wouldn't cause problems in our relationship and would know when to take a step back.

How dare you tell me that there's "no need" for my heart to be breaking because my best friend of 8 years is essentially dumping me over a girl he's known 6 months.

You're throwing out all this stuff but you're not prepared to apply the same logic to your own situation, which is hypocritical in the extreme.

I hope you get what you want, and that you're happy. But by doing that, you'll be making two people miserable. One of those will be your boyfriend.

reprazant

Unregistered wrote: »

I didn't say I wanted anything to happen to this girl.

There is no need for Shellyboo's heart to be breaking, and it really isn't my problem. If she cared for her friend, she wouldn't cause problems in his relationship & would know when to take a step back.

I think her advise is biased, and I am perfectly entitled to explain why. I don't recall her asking you to fight her battles, so why are you doing that?

Honestly, you are discounting her advice because it is not what you want to hear. What you seem to want is to talk to your bf, and basically give him an ultimatium, you or her, although you don't see it that way.

If their friendship is as strong as you say it is, there is a fair chance that he will choose his friend, whom he has known for many many years, over yourself who runs the risk of coming across as extremely jealous and somewhat controlling.

Is that what you want?

LegacyUser

I don't want to give an ultimatum, I already said I would never do that. I don't need to.

This issue has already come to a head, and not by my doing. BF brought the subject up with me. The friend told him he was mad to move in with someone after such a short period, she thinks that we are spending too much time together and he isn't spending enough with her. He told her to do one.

Seems I was right to be uncomfortable. She was the jealous one.

Just because Shellyboo has been in a similar situation does not mean that she did the right thing. She thinks the friendship is more important. I think my relationship is. There is obviously a conflict of interest and her advise is biased because of that.

shellyboo

Unregistered wrote: »

I don't want to give an ultimatum, I already said I would never do that. I don't need to.

This issue has already come to a head, and not by my doing. BF brought the subject up with me. The friend told him he was mad to move in with someone after such a short period, she thinks that we are spending too much time together and he isn't spending enough with her. He told her to do one.

Seems I was right to be uncomfortable. She was the jealous one.

Just because Shellyboo has been in a similar situation does not mean that she did the right thing. She thinks the friendship is more important. I think my relationship is. There is obviously a conflict of interest and her advise is biased because of that.

She should never have said that to him, that's none of her business. But two wrongs don't make a right, OP.

You were wrong, and she was wrong.

LegacyUser

shellyboo wrote: »

She should never have said that to him, that's none of her business. But two wrongs don't make a right, OP.

You were wrong, and she was wrong.

What did I do wrong?

LegacyUser

"How dare you tell me that there's "no need" for my heart to be breaking because my best friend of 8 years is essentially dumping me over a girl he's known 6 months."


this girl of 6 months could end being his wife. good friends understand when boy meets girl or girl meets boy, to take a seat back until the honeymoon period is over. he is not dumping you, its just things change, she is now in his life and that is bound to change things between you and him.

as for the op lucky for you that you didnt have to say a word, looks like you were right to be concerned.

shellyboo

Unregistered wrote: »

What did I do wrong?

Your boyfriend just proved that the way you were thinking was wrong, that it's not something he'd put up with from a friend. And as his gf, you are also his friend.

The friend told him he was mad to move in with someone after such a short period, she thinks that we are spending too much time together and he isn't spending enough with her. He told her to do one.

Seems I was right to be uncomfortable. She was the jealous one.

She felt the exact same way about you as you did about her. So, what - you were right but she was wrong? For having the same exact feelings as you? Explain that to me? She felt you were too close to her friend, so she's jealous... but you feeling he was too close to her, that's not jealousy? That's different somehow, is it?

You were both jealous and possessive and controlling. You're just lucky you didn't say anything to him first, or he'd have told you to do one.

Your relationship with your boyfriend, that's none of her business. How much time he spends with you, if he wants to move in with you - none of her business.

But equally, his relationship with her - as long as it's truly platonic - is none of your business either.

shellyboo

Unregistered wrote: »

this girl of 6 months could end being his wife. good friends understand when boy meets girl or girl meets boy, to take a seat back until the honeymoon period is over. he is not dumping you, its just things change, she is now in his life and that is bound to change things between you and him.

I understand and I agree... but if things change to the extent where he'll leave me sobbing in my room alone after I got dumped rather than give me a hug because he's scared of his what his gf's gonna say, then what sort of a friendship is that?

It's all about being accepting and uncontrolling. I have no problem with HIM deciding he doesn't want to spend time with me. I do have a problem with his gf manipulating him into not being a good friend to me out of jealousy or maliciousness.

See the difference?

Liam Byrne

Unregistered wrote: »

I've been of the opinion for some time now that guys and girls can't be friends and there is always one party that wants more, in my own experience any guy I've become close with has ended up having feelings for me, but I am open to the fact that I could be wrong

You ARE.

Unregistered wrote: »

I know these are normal things you'd do when living with someone

Yup.

Unregistered wrote: »

but I can't help feeling like a third wheel or I am interrupting when I arrive.

Because you've got the above misformed opinion that guys and girls can't be friends.

Unregistered wrote: »

Also I feel really left out when they start reminiscing about all the good times they've had or laugh about the "you'd have to have been there" jokes.

Which could happen even if it were two guys.

Unregistered wrote: »

I just feel that I can't compete and I'll never have the same closeness.

Friend closeness can be / is usually different to o/h closeness. Affection vs passion, for a start. It's not MEANT to be the same.

Unregistered wrote: »

I have no intention of ending it so what can I do?

Force yourself to get the above misformed opinion out of your head. Surely you have at least one or two male friends that you don't fancy ?

LegacyUser

shellyboo wrote: »

Your boyfriend just proved that the way you were thinking was wrong, that it's not something he'd put up with from a friend. And as his gf, you are also his friend.

I am much more than a friend to him Shellyboo, thats what you don't seem to understand. Friends and girlfriends are not the same thing. He is annoyed with her for not understanding that too, he couldn't care less if she feels threatened, he told her she doesn't come close.

shellyboo wrote: »

She felt the exact same way about you as you did about her. So, what - you were right but she was wrong? For having the same exact feelings as you? Explain that to me? She felt you were too close to her friend, so she's jealous... but you feeling he was too close to her, that's not jealousy? That's different somehow, is it?

Yes it is different. Jealousy is a natural emotion, nothing wrong with it as long as you don't allow it to control your actions, which she did. We have a relationship, they are just friends. Friends should not get in the way of a relationship developing, which is exactly what she tried to do. Who knows, I probably picked up on her vibes which is what made me feel uncomfortable in the first place.

shellyboo wrote: »

You were both jealous and possessive and controlling. You're just lucky you didn't say anything to him first, or he'd have told you to do one.

Give me an example of how I was jealous, possessive or controlling? And you ahve no idea what he would have told me. He loves me, and since we've talked I know exactly where I stand and just how important to him that I am

shellyboo wrote: »

Your relationship with your boyfriend, that's none of her business. How much time he spends with you, if he wants to move in with you - none of her business.

But equally, his relationship with her - as long as it's truly platonic - is none of your business either.

You seem to think that the friendship and relationship are on a par with each other. maybe you just haven't met the right person yet but you will realise someday when you meet someone that you would like to spend your life with, you friendships will become less important. Friendships change as you get older, and good friend understand this and adjust, and not throw a strop because they aren't getting the same amount of attention.

LegacyUser

shellyboo wrote: »

It's all about being accepting and uncontrolling. I have no problem with HIM deciding he doesn't want to spend time with me. I do have a problem with his gf manipulating him into not being a good friend to me out of jealousy or maliciousness.

Couldn't possibly just be that he wants to spend his time with her? Oh no it has to be her manipulating him....

Novella

Unregistered wrote: »

I know this is my issue and I should probably just deal with.

My boyfriend of 7 months' best friend is a girl, he shares a house with her and her boyfriend and another guy. I've been of the opinion for some time now that guys and girls can't be friends and there is always one party that wants more, in my own experience any guy I've become close with has ended up having feelings for me, but I am open to the fact that I could be wrong so when we started seeing each other I just sort of put it out of my head.

It was fine for a while but their closeness is starting to bother me. Her boyfriend is away alot during the week and some evenings when I call over they could be having dinner together, or even just sitting together in the garden or watching tv. I know these are normal things you'd do when living with someone but I can't help feeling like a third wheel or I am interrupting when I arrive. Also I feel really left out when they start reminiscing about all the good times they've had or laugh about the "you'd have to have been there" jokes.

I love my boyfriend, he is the best person I know and I would never try to come between him and a friend.

He isn't doing anything to intentionally make me feel this way and I know it's my problem but I just feel that I can't compete and I'll never have the same closeness.

Has anyone every been in this situation? How did you deal with it? I have no intention of ending it so what can I do?

I know that when you are with someone you tend to think that they are really hot and that everyone else is gonna want them but this is not the case! My best friend is a guy and I would NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS want to be with him! He is like my brother and I know he feels the same about me. That is probably how things are with your boyfriend and his friend. Just don't worry about it 'cause being jealous is not endearing and your boyfriend hasn't done anything to warrant it, he is just friends with her.
Think of it this way, if you called around and he was watching tv or sitting in the garden with another guy would you be worried? No. He obviously has a history with this girl, hence the in jokes etc but that is because she is his friend, not because he wants to be with her! Again, if this happened with a guy, you wouldn't think twice. So just enjoy your boyfriend and stop worrying!

Sinall

Unregistered wrote: »

Friendships change as you get older, and good friend understand this and adjust, and not throw a strop because they aren't getting the same amount of attention.

And perhaps equally good girlfriends shouldn't throw a strop when they don't feel like they are getting enough attention?

I don't think that friends should automatically have to think "Oh I must take a back seat now - my male friend has a girlfriend!"

I think friends and girlfriend should be able to exist comfortably side by side. Nobody knows if a relationship will last for ever and if it doesn't, you will need your friends.

OP, I understand your concerns, but you love your boyfriend for the man he is and it sounds like he loves you. But people need their friends as well as their OH's.

CDfm

Unregistered wrote: »

Couldn't possibly just be that he wants to spend his time with her? Oh no it has to be her manipulating him....

It could be - wives and girlfriends often disapprove of their mates blokefriends and I have seen that more than a few times ,the expression, under the thumb, is common.

So why should it be different with a female friend.

shellyboo

Unregistered wrote: »

Yes it is different. Jealousy is a natural emotion, nothing wrong with it as long as you don't allow it to control your actions, which she did. We have a relationship, they are just friends. Friends should not get in the way of a relationship developing, which is exactly what she tried to do. Who knows, I probably picked up on her vibes which is what made me feel uncomfortable in the first place. .

And girlfriends should not get in the way of a friendship continuing.

Unregistered wrote: »

Give me an example of how I was jealous, possessive or controlling? And you ahve no idea what he would have told me. He loves me, and since we've talked I know exactly where I stand and just how important to him that I am
.

You were JEALOUS of the amount of time he spent with her and POSSESSIVE of him because you felt threatened by it. You weren't controlling cos you didn't say anything. She did and got given short shrift.

Unregistered wrote: »

You seem to think that the friendship and relationship are on a par with each other. maybe you just haven't met the right person yet but you will realise someday when you meet someone that you would like to spend your life with, you friendships will become less important. Friendships change as you get older, and good friend understand this and adjust, and not throw a strop because they aren't getting the same amount of attention.

Less important being the key words. Not unimportant. I never threw a strop, either.

Both types of relationship are important, but it is simply unhealthy to want to dominate someone's life to the extent they lose their lifelong friends. If that's the kind of relationship you want, fine. But that's not something I'd want to be involved in.