Once a cheater, always a cheater?

LegacyUser

This question is going round in my head at the minute. Partly because of a bad experience with my ex. He cheated on his ex and then on me, so I have the idea that once that barrier is crossed, it's much easier to cross it again. My current bf was a friend before and I was very reluctant to go out with him (even tho I fancied him and he's lovely!) because he admitted he had cheated on girls in the past and he seemed to think it was amusing. I called him out on it and he said they were just casual relationships, if even that, and it was just kissing. He has had 3 serious girlfriends and didn't cheat on them. Part of me admires his honesty but another part is afraid. He is the first to admit he was a bit of a pr*ck when he was younger (girls, drugs, drinking way too much etc) but he's 26 now and he says he's grown up a lot since then. On one hand I believe people can and do change (I had a one night stand in the past and would never, ever do it again) but on the other, I hear leopards never change their spots. Agh!

Liam Byrne

Unregistered wrote: »

On one hand I believe people can and do change (I had a one night stand in the past and would never, ever do it again) but on the other, I hear leopards never change their spots. Agh!

So you've changed yours......

We don't know whether he's changed / copped on / matured, since we don't know him.

Unregistered wrote: »

I was very reluctant to go out with him (even tho I fancied him and he's lovely!)

But you decided to ? Why ? And why say "he's lovely" if this is such a big issue for you ?

Maybe it's coz of recent events with me, so sorry if I'm projecting a bit, but I can't for the life of me understand why people would go out with people that they convince themselves might / will cheat. And usually they convince themselves of this independent of the person that they're with.....i.e. zero indication or reason to think that way. People accept that new partners might like different food, or films, or hobbies, or different things in bed, but they assume that an ex that cheated means all future ones will ?

Madness! Everyone's different.

Unregistered wrote: »

He has had 3 serious girlfriends and didn't cheat on them

Would that imply that if you two get "serious", that he won't cheat on you ?

And it seems that there's actually no "change of spots" required, since this is his pattern ?

Yes, for the first few weeks there's the casual / unsaid "R" word, where someone else might catch your eye or attention, but I wouldn't view that as "cheating", unless there's been a discussion about being exclusive.

But while you're in something, you're in something; and if you want out to pursue other avenues, you get out. Either party can do this if they want.....feck, even a wedding/marraige doesn't preclude that happening, these days. Give it a shot, see what happens, and if you're not happy : leave. Simple as (especially when there's no house/kids/years wasted).

But "cheating" ? If you're looking elsewhere and thinking seriously of acting on it, then you break up.

Seems simple to me.....but maybe I'm odd ?

SarahSassy

Yes they do. I have.

iguana

It depends I guess. Someone could cheat on a partner and feel so crap about it that they would never do so again. They could see just how much hurt they have caused their partner and never do it again. However if they have a history of cheating on partner after partner I would be worried, especially if they showed no remorse about it.

LegacyUser

You see it lots of times on the forums here.
My boyfriend is a great guy and loves me, my boyfriend treats me like crap and has cheated.
These are all basically the same guy but with different girls.
A guy might cheat on every girl he ever went out with, until he meets the one he loves.

Rb

I wouldn't consider going out with someone who cheated in a long term, "serious" relationship.

Too much risk, could never trust them.

LegacyUser

Well my BF's argument was that he never has cheated in a 'serious' relationship so I have nothing to worry about. I just feel like everyone seems to cheat these days - my ex def didn't seem the 'type' and all my male friends have cheated on their gfs at one stage or another. It's depressing!

Liam Byrne

Unregistered wrote: »

I just feel like everyone seems to cheat these days

Well, whatever about any advice, I can tell you that you're wrong...

And it's equally "depressing" to be doubted for no actual reason! *

*plus if someone goes on and on and on about it, it can also become a self-fulfilling prophecy

F : You'll cheat
M : No I won't
F : You're saying that, but I know you will
M : I said I won't, and I don't like being told that I will
F : My last b/f said that, and he cheated
M : Have I given you one reason to think that I would ?
F : But that's what guys do!
M : Ah, FFS!

And while girls are wondering whether there are any guys who won't cheat, the guys are down the pub, pissed off at being accused of something they wouldn't do, and their mates telling them "you don't need that crap, forget her and c'mon out on the piss/pull".....

Fact is that in the above scenario, a randomer will seem far more appealing; despite the fact that if the above hadn't been raised, M would have been perfectly happy.....

HalloweenJack

I've cheated in the past and, looking back on it, I think it's because I was unhappy in that particular relationship and, subconsciously, I saw it as a way out.

Imo, cheating depends on the strength of the relationship. If it's good, it won't happen, but if the relationship is in trouble, then it could.

VaioCruiser

Unregistered wrote: »

I hear leopards never change their spots. Agh!

Personally I would suggest that there are indeed such things as serial cheaters, and they come in both flavours, men and women.
However they are the exception in my experience and knowledge.

Most people cheat only based on the relationship they are in at the time, and if it is a quality relationship that they are happy in, they don't cheat.

Also cheating is a movable feast. For some, a snog with someone hot at some stage that is completely secret and never becomes known to the other partner is still cheating. For some even the thought of being with another person is cheating. For others it is only full sex ..... each to his own.

I would advise you to reflect on what exactly you feel is cheating, taking into consideration a realistic assessment of what it means to date and the complexity of modern life, and then tell him straight out how you feel about it.

All the best.

*Page*

having a one night stand is experimenting...

cheating on your partner is an act of dishonesty...

a cheater is always a cheater, I've been burned more than once from hoping that ppl change when it comes to that sort of thing... but they dont!!

iguana

HalloweenJack wrote: »

Imo, cheating depends on the strength of the relationship. If it's good, it won't happen, but if the relationship is in trouble, then it could.

But the thing is we don't live in fairytale, we don't fall in love and then live happily ever after. Even the best of relationships go through rough patches, two people no matter how compatible will have periods of their life where they are out of sync.

I'd worry someone who says they would cheat in a bad relationship, but not in a good one is probably far more likely to cheat when the relationship hits tough times. And the odds are that there will be tough times. Even in a bad relationship it shows selfishness and a lack of respect and empathy for people you should have some level of affection for.

Someone who knows that cheating hurts people and would never want to hurt someone they were with, whether that person is right for them or not, is less likely to cheat, even when the relationship is going through a bad patch.

iguana

iguana wrote: »

But the thing is we don't live in fairytale, we don't fall in love and then live happily ever after. Even the best of relationships go through rough patches, two people no matter how compatible will have periods of their life where they are out of sync.

I'd worry someone who says they would cheat in a bad relationship, but not in a good one is probably far more likely to cheat when the relationship hits tough times. And the odds are that there will be tough times. Even in a bad relationship it shows selfishness and a lack of respect and empathy for people you should have some level of affection for.

Someone who knows that cheating hurts people and would never want to hurt someone they were with, whether that person is right for them or not, is less likely to cheat, even when the relationship is going through a bad patch.

+1

If the relationship is so bad, then have some bloody balls and end it instead of potentially devastating someone. It's such a cowardly excuse.

Amy33

Once a cheat, always a cheat, and believe me, certain men never grow up, I know guys in their 50's cheating on their wives.

VaioCruiser

Sadly there is an endless stream of judgmental people in life, who go though their lives blowing off other people who make mistakes or make bad choices, while excusing all of their own to themselves. Usually they get what they deserve and that usually is a cold place.

Life is not like the movies or romance novels. Women as well as men are faced with temptation every day and sometimes make bad as well as good choices. The idea that that makes them bad people or that sentences them to a life long label is utter nonsense. The diktat that encourages termination and dismissal as the only course of action for anyone who infringes on their moral code is a cold and intolerant one that tells me only one thing. These people are not worth the loyalty of their partners in the first place. Love is not about judgement and sentencing.

Love is about acceptance and devotion and persistence in the face of obstacles.

chickenhawk

trish990 wrote: »

Once a cheat, always a cheat, and believe me, certain men never grow up, I know guys in their 50's cheating on their wives.

And women....but agree with the rest.

MadgeBadge

All this once a cheater always a cheater stuff is complete nonsense. It all boils down to the individual. Some people learn from their mistakes, others don't. Which category does your boyfriend fit into? I hope for your sake it's the latter.

RealistSpy

Ok ok, about this once a cheat always a cheater thing. If a man/ woman cheats in a relationship, there must be something missing. Maybe he/she is not being payed attension to or he / she is not being satisfied. These doesn't mean you don't love each other well if you don't then I don't see why you can seperate.

Otis Driftwood

MadgeBadge wrote: »

All this once a cheater always a cheater stuff is complete nonsense.

No,its not.

TriceMarie

Well I always kind of felt good to say that I never cheated,up until my last boyf when I did...more than once
But in my defence,I don't think I would have if I thought he hadn't on me

We were only going out a few days when he begged me to believe him that the hickey on his neck was from one of the guys as a dare...:rolleyes:
Not sure I believe that one..so yea,I said I believed him after asking him the questions..and my friends interigated him too lol:p and then he used to get annoyed/paranoid over gay refernces..not sure if that was a defence because he really didn't cheat,or something else hmmm...

But yea,I think leopard can change their spots.If he's happy and your happy,and trust each other then I don't see why he would cheat (saying that...look at my ex:rolleyes: but maybe that was the first few days allowance rule lol who knows)

But yea,believe what he says,go with the flow,see how things go..and yea,try not to keep bringing up the subject as someone said above it might make him turn the other way

Good luck dear

RealistSpy

RealistSpy wrote: »

Ok ok, about this once a cheat always a cheater thing. If a man/ woman cheats in a relationship, there must be something missing. Maybe he/she is not being payed attension to or he / she is not being satisfied. These doesn't mean you don't love each other well if you don't then I don't see why you can seperate.

In my opinion, it means they blame the other person for these problems without looking at how they're also contributing to them and rather than be a grown up and talk about it or end the relationship, they cheat. In my ex's case, he was emotionally immature as well as arrogant. He blamed his ex for the fact he cheated on her by saying she was mean, etc and so in his head it was 'justified' and it came as no surprise when he cheated on me. Someone who has really learned from their mistake, and sees it as a mistake is less likely to do it again, IMO.

Bandit12

I don't think it matters how happy you are in a relationship there will always be temptation. i was head over heals with my ex but still got my rocks off on other chicks. It's no biggy

MadgeBadge

nedtheshed wrote: »

No,its not.

So people are incapable of change? That someone immature and dis-interested in one relationship cannot be loving, committed, and faithful in another relationship?

Otis Driftwood

MadgeBadge wrote: »

So people are incapable of change? That someone immature and dis-interested in one relationship cannot be loving, committed, and faithful in another relationship?

If the person is dis-interested in,and too immature to be in a relationship then they should end it.
Cheating is inexcusable,for any reason.
If you can do it once then the likely hood is that you can do it again.

Same as a guy that would hit a woman,same as an alcoholic.

It will always be in you.

MadgeBadge

nedtheshed wrote: »

If the person is dis-interested in,and too immature to be in a relationship then they should end it.
Cheating is inexcusable,for any reason.
If you can do it once then the likely hood is that you can do it again.

Same as a guy that would hit a woman,same as an alcoholic.

It will always be in you.

I agree, cheating is inexcusable, I also agree that if you're dis-interested and too immature to be in a relationship then you should indeed end it. But it's usually this immaturity that prevents people from doing the right thing.

I'm not making an excuse for people who do cheat, I don't think immaturity is a cop out. You should still have to face up to your actions. Infact, I think in doing this is how alot of people do mature, or at least learn something they take away and use in their future lives.

I don't think it's fair to compare someone with an alcohol addiction (which is an illness) to someone who cheats, unless you're talking about someone with a sex addiction.

And as for the guy who can hit a woman, there have been many people who have had anger issues in the past, who've sought help, and who have come out a non-violent person the other side.

Some people change, some people don't. I don't know if you're so cynical because of past experience or because of your observations in life, based on my own life and experiences I have plenty of reason to be cynical too, but I can't live a happy, normal-ish life without believing in what I do.

Otis Driftwood

I hope you dont think Im having a go Madge,if thats how Im coming across I apologise.:)

Of course some people can change their ways but the point I was trying to get across by mentioning alcoholics or men that would hit a woman is that the ability to cheat will always be in a person if they have done it before.
Same as an alcoholic will always be one even when on the wagon,same as a guy that has hit a woman in the past,he will have it in him to do it again.Thats not to say he ever will again but it will always be there.

Does that make sense?

MadgeBadge

First of all Ned, there's no need in the world to apologise, promise .

When I take off these rose tinted specs I certainly do understand your logic. It does hold weight, but I still feel it's unfair to say that all people who have cheated in the past are more likely to do so again in the future, in another sense they're the least likely, because they have learnt from their mistakes. Some people have a negative experience of cheating and so know not to do it again. I suppose, again, it's always up to the individual.

Time Magazine

MadgeBadge wrote: »

First of all Ned, there's no need in the world to apologise, promise .

When I take off these rose tinted specs I certainly do understand your logic. It does hold weight, but I still feel it's unfair to say that all people who have cheated in the past are more likely to do so again in the future, in another sense they're the least likely, because they have learnt from their mistakes. Some people have a negative experience of cheating and so know not to do it again. I suppose, again, it's always up to the individual.

This is the internet. Your logic and reason is not welcome.

Please continue to categorise people and package them neatly based on an experience you do not have the details of. Come on now MadgeBadge, we all know people cannot change!

VaioCruiser

I find the level of self righteousness here to be deeply disappointing.

There isn't a man or women in the world who would not cheat with the right person at the right time in the right circumstances and anyone who claims otherwise is wrong.

The world is full of people who have cheated once and never again. I have strayed myself because of a unique circumstance and so have two women I spent a long time with. I never let something like that stand in the way of a wonderful relationship and I am so glad I didn't.

This "leopard never changing their spots" thing is simple, down to earth prejudice. The same attitude that some people have toward anyone who has broken the law, or who has been to prison, or who has been blind drunk, or who lashed out in a temper, or done anything else they shouldn't have done. The people who hold these views are very often the very people who are guilty of the very thing they condemn, and who hide behind the condemnation to salve their conscience.

unhappycamper

VaioCruiser wrote: »

Sadly there is an endless stream of judgmental people in life, who go though their lives blowing off other people who make mistakes or make bad choices, while excusing all of their own to themselves. Usually they get what they deserve and that usually is a cold place.

Life is not like the movies or romance novels. Women as well as men are faced with temptation every day and sometimes make bad as well as good choices. The idea that that makes them bad people or that sentences them to a life long label is utter nonsense. The diktat that encourages termination and dismissal as the only course of action for anyone who infringes on their moral code is a cold and intolerant one that tells me only one thing. These people are not worth the loyalty of their partners in the first place. Love is not about judgement and sentencing.

Love is about acceptance and devotion and persistence in the face of obstacles.

Well thank you for that post

glaitjir

once a cheater-always a cheater is not always true..
i know u said he has been in 3 serious relationships and has not cheated on these girls- if thats true and u believe it then u shud trust him..
i have been in only one serious relationship and never cheated but im so flippant about being with other girls when in a meaningless relationship..
you can tell alot about his friends though so be weary- if cheating is widely accepted by his friends then maybe he will stray.. can be made much easier to stay faithfull if all around him believe he should be...