Mind games

harps90 · 18-06-2009 1:34pm #1

left my husband of 19years a few months ago.quite emotionally abusive throughout that time to both me and the children, with occasional verbal abuse.he took no interest in any aspect of family life , we all had to be considerate of his wants and needs but feck us!was lovely when he felt like it and could turn on the head of a pin.however , since i've left hes being nicer , more mature and reasonable than he ever was .the house is gleaming and all those jobs that needed doing are done.he's being quite nasty to the kids still but with me its a different story.i'm know that he's playing games with my head but just need affirmation from others i suppose.

Curvy Vixen · 18-06-2009 1:42pm

harps90 wrote: »

he's being quite nasty to the kids

There's the line that matters really. He hasn't changed has he? He's just 'adapting' until things go his way again.

It's hard but stay strong and stay gone. If you want to put yourself back in an awful situation then do it without your children in tow.

abbey2000 · 18-06-2009 1:45pm

i wonder if you are going to get divorced...do you think he is trying to keep you sweet so that you wont make many demands in any future divorce proceedings?

if he's still nasty to his own children, then nothing has changed. i would suspect he is trying to keep you sweet.

Oh The Humanity · 18-06-2009 1:48pm

Do not fall for it.

This man is a self serving user.

His only concerns are his own needs, not yours and not the kids.
He was emotionally abusive to you ....remember...and now he is being horrible to the kids.

He is playing a part like an actor on the stage. Remember that.

After all your hard work do not go back, its no good for the kids and its no good for you.

Move on and get yourself a man that adores you. There is no need to waste any more time on this loser.

SarahSassy · 18-06-2009 1:53pm

No, dont do it. He cannot change that quickly after 19 years pet. Stay distant and see if it lasts but even the fact that he is being nasty to the kids should tell you a lot about him.

SarahSassy · 18-06-2009 1:59pm

OP, I meant to say you are very brave.

SS

harps90 · 18-06-2009 2:02pm

you're right it is hard , i know he's trying to make me feel bad about leaving.he goes on about not being able to manage money wise(i earn a lot more), you'd nearly belive i was causing him to be destitute. the older kids are teenagers , and he plays a lot of mind games with them ,thankfully its sunk in with them what he's doing , but it hurts them dreadfully.in one incident he told the 15 yr old he never wanted to see her again.have to admit he's good at what he does!!!!thank you for your comments everyone , sometimes you need others to shore you up.

harps90 · 18-06-2009 2:06pm

you know what sunflower, i never thought of that!!!!!!!!!! he was capable all those years but yet did all that. now i'm mad!

Oh The Humanity · 18-06-2009 2:07pm

I agree you are brave, stay strong!

Scrape off this parasite, you are not responsible for him. Ignore everything he says!

He is playing the martyr because he is losing his 'cash cow'.....let him play his violin all he likes.......dont react!

SarahSassy · 18-06-2009 2:49pm

OP you do deserve better and one other thing Ill say is that you are showing your kids by example that its not ok to be bullied and how to stand up for themselves. They know what he is like and now see that bullies dont proper.. Keep it up- its a valuable life lesson for them.

LegacyUser · 18-06-2009 7:52pm

OP - not quiet the same as you, but I had a boss who behaved in a similar manner. He would be extremely nasty to me until I reached the end of my tether & threatened to take a bullying case against him, and then he would change & be the most charming, nicest person I had ever met. The niceness only ever lasted a few months & then he would be back to his nasty bullying self again. Anyway what I am trying to say is that your husbands nice behaviour wont last -he will revert to type as soon as you get back with him again. These people can change their personality at will to suit themselves - please dont fall for it.

harps90 · 22-06-2009 1:40pm

thank you all so much.you have opened my eyes so much.

wasper · 22-06-2009 4:02pm

harps90 wrote: »

left my husband of 19years a few months ago.quite emotionally abusive throughout that time to both me and the children, with occasional verbal abuse.he took no interest in any aspect of family life , we all had to be considerate of his wants and needs but feck us!was lovely when he felt like it and could turn on the head of a pin.however , since i've left hes being nicer , more mature and reasonable than he ever was .the house is gleaming and all those jobs that needed doing are done.he's being quite nasty to the kids still but with me its a different story.i'm know that he's playing games with my head but just need affirmation from others i suppose.

I think you know deep inside, that he is the same. If you decide to go back, I am sure within a short time you are ready to leave him again. It took you 19 years to muster some courage to leave don't reverse your decision now.
Just ask yourself are the kids better off now or before?

Mind games

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