Out of a long relationship

LegacyUser

hey,

i'm just out of a long relationship (over 5 years), it ended in march.
there was definitely something really strong between us for years (love?) but in the last year she started becoming distant from me, not meeting up much (we had lived together for over a year at one stage), no sex, etc.

we've always had a great relationship, very supportive, treated each other really well, stayed as ourselves (into different things) and allowed each other our space as well (nights/weekends out with the lads/girls etc.) and got on well with each others' friends for the most part. we both became very very busy with things we had going on, and i think that could have killed things, because it was difficult to make time for each other.

i'm just sad now because i miss her like hell, and mad nights out / other girls / rebound relationships / hobbies etc. do nothing to get her out of my head... we're not in contact with each other, and we're both going our separate ways - we're both emigrating, and i think to different places (i don't know). i'm just trying to change things by doing something new...

i try not to think about it and most of the time i'm ok (i'm a naturally happy person who gets on with things) but this has really sadened me, when i stop to think then she's always on my mind.. i just play music to drown out the thoughts...

i suppose my question is should i just keep moving on, considering it's not really getting better yet? i have no idea what's going through her head, it was never explained to me, apart from saying there's nobody else (although if there was would she tell me for fear of hurting me?) i do genuinely want her to be happy and if i didn't do that for her then fair enough... but i don't even know that... should i try and contact her to ask her why she broke up with me, to get some reason for it? maybe i was just completely blind to how she was feeling.. i don't know...

LegacyUser

I wouldnt ask her what happened. What if she says something you dont want to hear, or something that makes you feel worse? It is strange though to not now why it ended and I could imagine it would play on my mind. I had a similar experience in feb where my boyfriend ended in saying he didnt think he should be in a relationship. I didnt understand. We were so in love still after 3 years. We got in touch after the break-up and started seeing eachother again but same problems arose, he's not able to be dependable and is a bit too irractic for a relationship, but he cant stop thinking of me he says, and I him. I just mention this incase you are thinking of being in touch to try and get back together, I feel so confused by it all I dont know which way is up sometimes!

You seem pretty together though and its natural to feel so sad at times, especially when you stop to think. Five years is a long time. But you only broke up in march which isnt that long ago at all. You should be trying to think of yourself and what you want now.

If you are going to contact her maybe it should just be to see how she is and keep it in a friendly platonic way. Sorry not sure if this is helpful at all!

Katgurl

Sorry OP, i've been there, it hurts like hell.

how old are you both? was this your first serious relationship? what expectations had you of relationship (marriage etc)?

LegacyUser

hey thanks for the answers!

nope not first serious relationship, so a lot easier to deal with! i'm 30 she's a couple of years younger..

expectations? umm.. both relaxed about things, wouldn't have ruled out anything in the future, talked a lot about it.. i was happy to go either ways, give it a few years or get engaged, and she was the same.. actually thought we were happy out (a good few passionate arguments but that's all a part of it) until about a year ago.. still don't know what went wrong.. she seemed more busy and disinterested... thought it was someone else but i don't think that was possible.. but maybe.. if she wanted space to do her thing at anytime (travelling etc.) i fully supported her in the past, so don't think she was trapped.. maybe she just fell out of love or something either...

yeah i'm together enough to move on, looking forward to the future expecially when heading abroad, feel young, etc... yeah does hurt like hell alright, especially the nostalgia, i am optimistic though because i'm not stuck in any rut.. just trying to decide what the best things to do are to move on, which is difficult.. ur probably right about contacting her in a friendly way if i do decide to do that.. time is running out i suppose because won't be near the same place as her geographically in a while...

LegacyUser

It might be nice to keep her in your life, you obviously had something there. Anyone I have been in love with I try to keep in some sort of contact with. Have only been two, maybe three...You love them for a reason.

Maybe after your travels see if you still feel strongly for her then decide what to do about it. But be aware of the nostalgia and home-sickness you may feel while away and that could cloud your judgement. You were the one who was broken up with so your the one who has to help yourself get a good and fair shot at moving on. You dont want to make a decision only after three months while your still feeling raw about it.

good luck with the move.

LegacyUser

my bf and i broke up in march and im in a similar situation to you... no real reasons....

i asked and i asked and im still asking. and asking leads to more questions. it feels so unfair to think that it could have ended... but that's life and sometimes things just happen that way. were you happy in the last year? was she? were you happy together?

i would say concentrate on you for a while... your happiness has to come from you and not from s.o else....

ever the optimist i'd say, focus on you for a while and if you really has sth special, it may always work out in the future... but all you have is now... so focus on you.

good luck! hope it helps!

LegacyUser

good to read this post. not normally a poster on here but this one has caught my particular attention. im 27 and in a very similar situation to yourself OP, only thing is me and the ex broke up nearly a year ago. but circumstances very similar, great relationship for 5 years, respected each other alot, stayed ourselves, very supportive of each other, got on well with each others friends/families, best friends to each other and most importantly understood each other and who we were. unfortunalty in the last few months, we did argue about things, just different people in the end i suppose. the arguements were not over massive issues but they hurt both of us, we both hated hurting each other.

anyway we broke up, tried staying in contact for a few months but i eventually admitted it was too hard for me, so last few months we have gone our seperate ways, no contact. never really knew what she was thinking when we broke up and never got proper closure on the whole thing, she just told me we cant keep going on like this. the thing is, exactly the same as yourself OP, all the mad nights, the other girls, the weekends away with mates, doing new things for myself.....none of them have got her out of my head. i know we will never get back together, it wont work, but the nostalgia, the memories, so many amazing memories, knowing how great we actually were together....i cant shake these thoughts.

so i suppose the purpose of this post OP is just to let you know, your not the only one....always thought i would deal with a situation like this much better and that i could move on and accept if something wasnt meant to be, but i have found it very hard.

would love to hear from anyone else who has had similar experiences? how did they deal with it? what can make the likes of me or the OP move on and accept that these things happen for a reason? feel even silly writing this.....!!!

thegame

im in the same sitiuation broke up in march we moved to the city last sept 08 and got an apt,we were together nearly 5 years and she moved out im 30 she is 23 she said she feels like she has missed out and doesnt love me anymore and we met in may for lunch but i wish i didnt go it was too hard for me at the end of it,we talked last tues and she still feels the same she told me to move on..im not going to be her friend and im going to go NC now and get on with my own life..its really hard as we were always together ansd really good friends,but now its all gone..stick with NC when i broke it it made it even harder to move on.

LegacyUser

Hey OP I'm not gonna be much help, but I couldnt help it but post when i saw everyone else is goin thru the same stuff....i thought maybe I was taking too long to get over him...we were going out five years, broke up, i went travelling, just under a year later i came home and we tried to rekindle, fell apart in Feb........I miss him intensely, and havent a clue how to get over this. he was my first love, i dont know why we fell apart, i knew i didnt want it, that we werent right, i just didnt know how to fix it...when i come to emotions, i dont think i even understand myself. here's hoping not that i'll forget him, but it'll hurt less. even with 'closure' (we talked for months about 'us' where we were going, why it wasnt working) even after all that, i still feel unanswered, like i still have to figure it out. i think its just part of it, cos u have to figure out ur side, not both of urs, or his.......if that makes sense

LegacyUser

hey thanks for all of the kind replies!

it's funny in a way, but it helps to see that others are in the same boat!

i'm not really the type "not" to get over someone, whatever that means, but when you're with someone for so long and things start going a small bit bad, you still don't really see it coming.. you always think that what you have together outweighs the little things.. i suppose that's different for different people, maybe the little things were massive in her head, maybe she didn't have a voice or wasn't able to say it and it built up, i don't know..

unfortunalty in the last few months, we did argue about things, just different people in the end i suppose. the arguements were not over massive issues but they hurt both of us, we both hated hurting each other.

nail on the head there, i suppose different things affect people in different ways..

always thought i would deal with a situation like this much better and that i could move on and accept if something wasnt meant to be, but i have found it very hard

same here, and have in the past with long relationships, but i think with something like this the problem really is really accepting that it wasn't meant to be rather than just telling yourself that, especially when you look back and things were so good...

suppose the common theme here is someone breaking up with you after a good few years after a lot of happy times without having any idea really why... i suppose the way to deal with it is to say f*ck it and just to try and accept it and move on, find things to make me happy and look after myself... very hard not to be unconsciously sceptical in any relationships in the future, for me there'll definitely be a stronger wall whether i like it or not...!

cos u have to figure out ur side, not both of urs, or his.......if that makes sense

yeah that makes sense, but at the same time prob impossible to figure out... any beating myself up over it that i've done has really gotten me nowhere, and i know it's something in her head not mine... so it's probably head down and try to move on for me...

maybe this makes no sense, but one other thing is that sometimes i think that when people are in a happy situation where things are going well they want a bit of chaos in their lives, something to shake it up a bit to feel alive... i think you can feel trapped with someone even if they're not trapping you, which can lead to a lot of frustration because you don't why you feel what you feel because your life is going great... this could have been a reason for her either, to change things, to feel more in control of her life... i know myself that even though i'm going through this, there's something inside me that makes me feel really excited about not knowing the future anymore, especially when i'm leaving the country... not having a clue how my life is going to work out... i'd obviously very much prefer for this not to have happened though...

i would say concentrate on you for a while... your happiness has to come from you and not from s.o else....

ever the optimist i'd say, focus on you for a while and if you really has sth special, it may always work out in the future... but all you have is now... so focus on you.

good luck! hope it helps!

cheers, reckon i'll be taking that advice, seems like the only thing to do now... it's the old cliche but i suppose time will tell...

i've rambled a bit, just to say thanks, it's great to hear from people in the same boat as me, so thanks a lot for posting your replies, it's a great help