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How long should I be sad for?

  • 17-06-2009 10:40AM
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭


    My mother died last year very suddenly and my family and me have taken it very hard, we have now just discovered my dad has advanced prostate cancer with how knows how long to live, im trying to cope the best I can but my partner doesnt think im coping at all, like im fine somedays but other days i just want to be left alone and to cry, he hasnt experienced anything like this and i know hes trying to be helpful but now ik wondering if i shouldnt cry but he wants to go to counselling to try and get me over it but i think my emotions are normal, hes a great guy but im wondering now am i over grieving?


Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,145 ✭✭✭SarahSassy


    OP I have nothing constructive to add but just wanted to send you best wishes.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Go with how you feel, bottling things up will prolong the pain. If you need to cry, then cry. They are your parents, there is no such thing as over grieving. Am so sorry to hear what you are going through though. Counselling may help. :)
    x


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    op here, its just that loosing her was so sudden and now my dad is going too, i just feel alone, i dunno if thats even a word to describe it, he just thinks i should be having more better days and dealing with it, i dont want to go to counselling coz i feel im dealing with it my own way, but he thinks we should aqs it might help , is he right?


  • Moderators, Arts Moderators Posts: 17,231 Mod ✭✭✭✭Das Kitty


    Hi OP, there is no right or wrong way to feel. If you're coping at the moment, it's not to say that you won't feel devastated again. Go along with however you're feeling and don't question it.

    It could be the fact that you have a lot to deal with and your brain is giving you a break from feeling crappy until you're ready to deal with it all again.

    I think your Dad just wants you to feel better and that's why he's suggesting counselling. He obviously loves you a lot.

    If you feel you're dealing with it OK, I'd imagine you are. Have a talk with him about it.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 37,308 ✭✭✭✭the_syco


    People cope with death differently. It may do some good to talk to someone, be it a priest, shrink, or someone else in the family.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9,925 ✭✭✭Otis Driftwood


    Hi OP.First off I just want to say how sorry I am to hear what you are going through.

    There is no time limit on grief,its as simple as that.

    You lost your mother last year and now your Dad is not doing so good either.

    The healing that you would have done since your mothers passing is been knocked away due to the fact your father is unwell now so of course its going to bring all the pain and sadness that you have already gone through back to the fore.

    If you want to cry,then cry.
    If you want to be alone,then be alone.
    If you want to scream,then scream.

    The most important thing is to let the sadness out because if you try and keep it bottled up it will smother you.

    Ive never experienced what you are going through but I have some close friends that have.They have spoken to trained grief counsellors and have found them to be outstanding,as the syco mentioned,its something you should look into yourself.

    Take care.
    A.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6 Flump


    Hi OP,
    i agree, people cope with death in their own way. My Mum passed away almost 13years ago and i still feel at times that i'm still grieving. for a few years after my moods would have varied alot, going from coping well with it, to feeling like my whole world had just fallen down around me. I never went for talk to anyone, part of me wanted to but the other part didn't want to share my memories with a 'stranger'.
    no one can tell you how long is long enough or too long to grieve, it's a process that you need to go through for yourself, and take your time with it. Like wise with counselling, if you don't feel comfortable with doing it right now, than your partner will understand that. It's not to say that it's not something that you can't think about later.
    you will have days when all you want to do is cry your heart out, and other days when you can talk about your Mum with out welling up. Losing your Mum is a big deal and now you have the added stress of your Dad being sick.
    if you decide that counselling isn't for you, please do talk to someone, sibling, partner, friend, someone you can just get things off your chest too - it will help.
    i hope you all the best.

    x


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 77 ✭✭Cormb


    Hello OP

    My heart breaks for you - I'm so sorry to hear about your situation.

    This is a terribly tough time but there is no set or formulative way to feel or length of time to be saddened for. Do what feels natural/best for you. Its the best way - in years to come, you'll want to be in a situation where you can acknowledge that every step you took was for the better.

    On an aside, I underwent grief counselling recently (vaguely similar circumstances). I found it to be of great benefit but thats my own personal opinion. I think you should do whatever you feel will assist you in this difficult time.

    I also went through phases of being deeply saddened and emotional, and often switched quickly to periods of near-normalcy in my emotion. I get the impression that this, for many, is par for the course.

    All the best.
    Cormb


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,458 ✭✭✭CathyMoran


    I think that you are going through the normal emotions that come with your situation but there is no harm getting councelling if it makes it easier for you to cope.

    I am really sorry for what you are going through.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 25,494 ✭✭✭✭My name is URL


    Everything has already been said, but if these issues are interupting your day-to-day life on a more than emotional level then I recommend you talk to somebody

    http://www.citizensinformation.ie/categories/death/bereavement-counselling-and-support/bereavement_counselling_andsupport_services


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 481 ✭✭Fiend-Foe


    There is no time limit or amount to grieve, everybody's different.

    As I read in another thread here, you'll never get over it, you'll just come to terms with it.

    You take your time and don't bottle anything up, what your feeling is normal and natural.

    Wishing all the best for you and your family...


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 339 ✭✭Darthhoob


    you can only deal with death how you want to, dont feel guilty over crying, my mum died pretty suddenly over 6 years ago and i still have a good cry about it now and then. i will have counselling one day but i dont feel readyjust yet and it's important that you feel ready for counselling...else it wont help you. saying that your OH is not wrong in suggesting it, but you have to decide if and when you are ready.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,064 ✭✭✭smileysurfer


    nedtheshed wrote: »
    Hi OP.First off I just want to say how sorry I am to hear what you are going through.

    There is no time limit on grief,its as simple as that.

    You lost your mother last year and now your Dad is not doing so good either.

    The healing that you would have done since your mothers passing is been knocked away due to the fact your father is unwell now so of course its going to bring all the pain and sadness that you have already gone through back to the fore.

    If you want to cry,then cry.
    If you want to be alone,then be alone.
    If you want to scream,then scream.

    The most important thing is to let the sadness out because if you try and keep it bottled up it will smother you.

    Ive never experienced what you are going through but I have some close friends that have.They have spoken to trained grief counsellors and have found them to be outstanding,as the syco mentioned,its something you should look into yourself.

    Take care.
    A.

    nedtheshed
    That was a really nice , comforting and helpful post.

    OP I havent been through anything near as traumatic as you but I know it must be really really hard for you. I have friends who have been in similar situations tho.

    My advice is to just give counselling a go, if you dont like it after one or 2 goes and think its not for you then at least you can say youv tried.
    In times like these it good to talk to someone about your feelings who is outside the situation.

    But please dont be afraid to cry and vent and just let it all out. Its not good for you to keep things bottled up and its only natrual to feel the way you feel right now.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi, op here

    its just emotionally and physically draining and I just got word my dad has taken another turn so im heading the hospital shortly but wanted to let you know, thanks for the words of support, i dunno what is getting me thru these days, it just seems to be all dark rain clouds with no glimmer of light, i dunno if i could cope with no parents but ive got great family and a terrific partner so fingers crossed things work out


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,064 ✭✭✭smileysurfer


    Hi, op here

    its just emotionally and physically draining and I just got word my dad has taken another turn so im heading the hospital shortly but wanted to let you know, thanks for the words of support, i dunno what is getting me thru these days, it just seems to be all dark rain clouds with no glimmer of light, i dunno if i could cope with no parents but ive got great family and a terrific partner so fingers crossed things work out

    I hope hes ok Op and that he pulls through. Im praying for you and your dad anyway xxx


  • Posts: 22,785 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    My mother died last year very suddenly and my family and me have taken it very hard, we have now just discovered my dad has advanced prostate cancer with how knows how long to live, im trying to cope the best I can but my partner doesnt think im coping at all, like im fine somedays but other days i just want to be left alone and to cry, he hasnt experienced anything like this and i know hes trying to be helpful but now ik wondering if i shouldnt cry but he wants to go to counselling to try and get me over it but i think my emotions are normal, hes a great guy but im wondering now am i over grieving?
    I've lost both parents now and I'm still sad after a couple of years.
    A friend of mine lost her father 15 years ago and we both agree you never really get over it.
    It's part of life though we all die.

    It hasnt stopped us enjoying life to the full though.
    You can be melancholy when you want to be about it-mainly missing them but that can go side by side with having the crack and enjoying life.

    All the sadness in the world won't bring them back and it won't do you any good.

    You BF hasn't gone through this has he?
    Discount his reaction to how you cope if thats the case.

    But my advice is to move on in the way I've told you there :)

    In my experience the best counseling session is the one you have with yourself on your own by the way.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 77 ✭✭Cormb


    Hi, op here

    its just emotionally and physically draining and I just got word my dad has taken another turn so im heading the hospital shortly but wanted to let you know, thanks for the words of support, i dunno what is getting me thru these days, it just seems to be all dark rain clouds with no glimmer of light, i dunno if i could cope with no parents but ive got great family and a terrific partner so fingers crossed things work out

    Hi OP

    Such a situation will no doubt drain a person. Keep going, you're doing well.
    Having a great network of friends and family is very important in such times, and will help maintain a level of sanity under difficult pressure.

    Regards
    Cormb


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 705 ✭✭✭yurmothrintites


    I know how you are feeling OP.

    I lost someone very close to me in my family recently and it just seems like the world is darker and different. I personally found talking about it helps enormously and crying also. I know there is nothing really anyone can say but it might soothe your pain slightly. Keep your head up and best wishes.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    what was christmas like? i just know dads not going to last and im just dreading christmas, just the thought of it without my parents breaks me up

    I've lost both parents now and I'm still sad after a couple of years.
    A friend of mine lost her father 15 years ago and we both agree you never really get over it.
    It's part of life though we all die.

    It hasnt stopped us enjoying life to the full though.
    You can be melancholy when you want to be about it-mainly missing them but that can go side by side with having the crack and enjoying life.

    All the sadness in the world won't bring them back and it won't do you any good.

    You BF hasn't gone through this has he?
    Discount his reaction to how you cope if thats the case.

    But my advice is to move on in the way I've told you there :)

    In my experience the best counseling session is the one you have with yourself on your own by the way.


  • Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,296 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    I've lost both parents now and I'm still sad after a couple of years.
    A friend of mine lost her father 15 years ago and we both agree you never really get over it.
    It's part of life though we all die.

    It hasnt stopped us enjoying life to the full though.
    You can be melancholy when you want to be about it-mainly missing them but that can go side by side with having the crack and enjoying life.

    All the sadness in the world won't bring them back and it won't do you any good.
    +1
    what was christmas like? i just know dads not going to last and im just dreading christmas, just the thought of it without my parents breaks me up
    I lost my dad at christmas time so that adds an extra strain on things every year. As for how long you should be sad for? With me I was actually numb. I had to deal with the arrangements and keep it together, so I never really went through it, other than the initial shock. Indeed I thought I was grand. Didn't feel anything much really. Or so I thought.

    It happened 7 years ago and TBH I think I've only dealt with the fallout of it emotionally in the last 18 months. Looking back it came out in a weird way maybe because I felt cheated of the normal process. Who knows. I will say I m over it now. I do miss his presence if I think about it, but I also think my best gift to his memory is to be better in myself. So my advice would be deal with it as soon as. Let it out, work through it. If you need bereavement counseling I would do it(as black briar said one on one).

    Many worry about Artificial Intelligence. I worry far more about Organic Idiocy.



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  • Posts: 22,785 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    what was christmas like? i just know dads not going to last and im just dreading christmas, just the thought of it without my parents breaks me up
    Well I spent one entire Xmas visiting my Mum in hospital [she died 3 weeks later R.I.P].
    That became a blur.
    I suppose the best way to describe the following 2 Xmas's is an emptyness.
    Theres no getting away from it.
    You get used to it but you will be sad at times.
    Your own life should and will move on though so be mindfull of that.
    Sad time is probably a human necessity but happy time is a more productive use of your life by far trust me.
    Remember your parents if your grand parents are dead went through this aswell and try to think of that as a model.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Well I spent one entire Xmas visiting my Mum in hospital [she died 3 weeks later R.I.P].
    That became a blur.
    I suppose the best way to describe the following 2 Xmas's is an emptyness.
    Theres no getting away from it.
    You get used to it but you will be sad at times.
    Your own life should and will move on though so be mindfull of that.
    Sad time is probably a human necessity but happy time is a more productive use of your life by far trust me.
    Remember your parents if your grand parents are dead went through this aswell and try to think of that as a model.


    your so right, its just hard, but what i think i'll do is start keeping a diary and write how i feel and write about the good memories that we had and vulues they taught me, i think that might help, wouldnt it? thanks everyone, i feel alot better today


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