The horrible letter from his 'dad'..

LegacyUser

In theory, this should be on the parenting board, but it's about a man who will not be a parent and how I deal with it so I think it's more of a personal issue, but mods, feel free to move it if it's in the wrong place.

Won't bore any of you with details but am a single mum to 6yr old boy. His father, after a 2yr relationship, decided he didn't want a child and left me. I've raised my little fella alone and have not had a relationship since his dad and I split. I have been to court with his dad and receive a (paltry) amount of maintenance.

I got involved with some single parent support groups early-on and found them fantastic - sometimes I think I coudln't have gotten this far without them. Their advice to me, down the years has been to try to 'build a bridge' or 'keep the door open' for his dad to come back into his life so every christmas and on my sons birthay, I wrote his dad a note saying heres a recent photo and our address, should you decide to contact him. He's never replied. Until last week.

Last week I received a letter from him. It stated 'You made a choice that you had no right to make when you had that child. Irish law insists that I must pay for your choice. I do not now and I will not ever want a relationship with your son. Stop writing to me.' It was accompanied by a solicitors letter which stated all of the above, in legal terms.

My 'choice' as he so kindly put it, is my (our) 6 year old son. Needless to say, I cried for a long time. My letter to him recently (on my sons 6th birthday) stated the usual but I also asked for an increase in maintenance, which I'm guessing is why I got the above reaction.

So what to do now?

Do I go back to court? Do I burn the letter and forget about him? Do I keep the letter so that my son is aware of his fathers appalling attitude towards him?

There's a part of me that wants to stick those posters up around the town, with his photo on, just so everyone in our village will know what a horrible man he is but I won't let myself down by doing that.

Please keep in mind that there has been no contact between us for 6 and a half years so any animosity he has had towards me in the past, should be long gone at this stage. But it obviously has not. And please don't say that I'm only giving my side of the story, because of course I am, because I'm the one looking for advice. The facts are that we have had no contact (except for court ordered maintenance) since I was pregnant which was over 6yrs ago now. He gets two notes per year from me. Thats it.

fatmammycat

Unregistered wrote: »

In theory, this should be on the parenting board, but it's about a man who will not be a parent and how I deal with it so I think it's more of a personal issue, but mods, feel free to move it if it's in the wrong place.

Won't bore any of you with details but am a single mum to 6yr old boy. His father, after a 2yr relationship, decided he didn't want a child and left me. I've raised my little fella alone and have not had a relationship since his dad and I split. I have been to court with his dad and receive a (paltry) amount of maintenance.

I got involved with some single parent support groups early-on and found them fantastic - sometimes I think I coudln't have gotten this far without them. Their advice to me, down the years has been to try to 'build a bridge' or 'keep the door open' for his dad to come back into his life so every christmas and on my sons birthay, I wrote his dad a note saying heres a recent photo and our address, should you decide to contact him. He's never replied. Until last week.

Last week I received a letter from him. It stated 'You made a choice that you had no right to make when you had that child. Irish law insists that I must pay for your choice. I do not now and I will not ever want a relationship with your son. Stop writing to me.' It was accompanied by a solicitors letter which stated all of the above, in legal terms.

My 'choice' as he so kindly put it, is my (our) 6 year old son. Needless to say, I cried for a long time. My letter to him recently (on my sons 6th birthday) stated the usual but I also asked for an increase in maintenance, which I'm guessing is why I got the above reaction.

So what to do now?

Do I go back to court? Do I burn the letter and forget about him? Do I keep the letter so that my son is aware of his fathers appalling attitude towards him?

There's a part of me that wants to stick those posters up around the town, with his photo on, just so everyone in our village will know what a horrible man he is but I won't let myself down by doing that.

Please keep in mind that there has been no contact between us for 6 and a half years so any animosity he has had towards me in the past, should be long gone at this stage. But it obviously has not. And please don't say that I'm only giving my side of the story, because of course I am, because I'm the one looking for advice. The facts are that we have had no contact (except for court ordered maintenance) since I was pregnant which was over 6yrs ago now. He gets two notes per year from me. Thats it.

Stop sending him the notes and letters. He has made it clear he has no interest in either you or your son. It is his loss, but also his decision. And don't put up signs of anything else, that just makes you look petty. Love your son, move on with your life.

Gregor Samsa

It must have been very upsetting to receive a letter like that.

Of course you had the right to have your child, and he's not paying for your choice, but for his legal responsibility as the biological father of the child. He seems to have a very skewed view of rights and responsibilities.

However, nothing can compel him to have contact with the kid, and he has the right to be a knob if he wants to be. But to be honest, as a knob, you and your son are proabably better off without him. Don't waste the price of the stamps writing to him again.

As for what to do with the letter, I don't really know. But, as I'm sure you'll agree, I wouldn't tell your son about it until he's well old enough to deal with it.

LegacyUser

There weren't notes AND letters.

There were 2 lines in each note, which I sent following advice given by single parent support groups. I have witnessed many, many cases where a father has 'come round' when he saw a picture of his child and made contact. I HAVE moved on with my life but this is an issue that will unfortunately be IN my life for the forseeable future as I have a son who wants to know his father and no doubt, will decide to contact him at some stage.

This is not about me and him. This is about him and his son. The fact that you say he has 'no interest in me or my son' is irrelevant, because it's not about whether he has an interest in me. It's about his lack of interest in his son.

Elbi

Just stop all contact with him, You have gotten this far without him. I definitely would NOT tell your son his father doesn not want him or show him the letter, that would be a terrible thing to do maybe when he is older and wants to know but now he is only a little boy and needs to feel loved not rejected,

LegacyUser

Thank you phutyle. I won't be writing ever again I can assure you of that.

I appreciate that people say 'move on' with your life and I have. I have a great job, I bought a new house last year and great friends. Perhaps I shouldn't have mentioned that I have not had a relationship since his dad as it makes me appear like I'm still interested in him.

My son was ill for the first two years of his life and i spent most of my spare time at hospitals. He is great now thankfully but with work committments and having returned to college last year, I don't have the time for a social life, so there are genuine reasons why I have not had a relaionship in 6yrs. So short of a knight in shining armour knocking at my door any day soon, it just hasn't happend.

fatmammycat

Unregistered wrote: »

There weren't notes AND letters.

There were 2 lines in each note, which I sent following advice given by single parent support groups. I have witnessed many, many cases where a father has 'come round' when he saw a picture of his child and made contact. I HAVE moved on with my life but this is an issue that will unfortunately be IN my life for the forseeable future as I have a son who wants to know his father and no doubt, will decide to contact him at some stage.

This is not about me and him. This is about him and his son. The fact that you say he has 'no interest in me or my son' is irrelevant, because it's not about whether he has an interest in me. It's about his lack of interest in his son.

I wasn't trying to upset you, but this man has shown no interest in a relationship with your son from day one either. Now I don't understand it, or why any man would turn his back on his child regardless of the relationship with the mother, but if that is what he has decided then what else can anyone else say except leave it alone. You cannot force a person to be a parent. If your son wants to contact him in the future he may very well have a change of heart, but that will be up to your son and his father.

LegacyUser

It's terribly easy to say 'leave it alone' or 'move on'.

But try telling that to a 6year old.

Mean_Mudda

I wouldn't tell your son about his father's attitude & I'd stop sending him letters.
I'd be very upset to get a such letter from him as you did.
It's sad he has this attitude towards his own son, I suspect one day he will regret it.
In the meantime enjoy your life and son which by the sounds of things you are already doing a good job of.

Overheal

Unregistered wrote: »

It's terribly easy to say 'leave it alone' or 'move on'.

But try telling that to a 6year old.

Whom has never known his father.

Look, it wouldn't be the first time a boy grew up without knowing his father. In almost all of those cases, it was for the best. Those would be fathers are typically nothing but scum.

If you want to give that boy a father then I wouldnt be afraid to move on with your life.

aoibhebree

Unregistered wrote: »

It's terribly easy to say 'leave it alone' or 'move on'.

But try telling that to a 6year old.

Does your son bring up the subject of his father with you, or do you bring it up?

I'm just surprised a boy that age would be overly interested in a father who he's never known.

LadyJ

Your son is far, far better off grwing up without someone who thinks that way in his life. Keep the letter if you like but make sure it's in a very safe place until the time is right.

Your son is lucky to have you in his life. Even with the love of 2 parents, kids don't turn out perfect. I grew up in a house with 3 women, I'm not perfect but I always knew that I had a lot of love and that was the most important thing.

Rejection by a parent is not something that is going to be easy to deal with and you have a lot of questions ahead of you but a lot of children go through this and many come out the other side and become wonderful, successful, well-adjusted people. Much better than how they would have ended up with a destructive influence in their life.

Maybe in the future things will change but, for now, forget about the guy. He's obviously not worth your tears.

LegacyUser

'I''m just surprised a boy that age would be overly interested in a father who he's never known'

What a ridiculous thing to say! You are surprised that a 6yr old boy (almost 7) would ask about his dad when all his friends have a dad living with them, or at least are in contact with their dads? Its fathers day this sunday and in school they are doing fathers day cards -what do you think my 6yr old thinks of this? Because this idiot of a man has chosen not to take responsibility for him, he will be making a card that says 'To someone who has been like a father to me'. Do you think he doesn't KNOW he has a father who has rejected him??? Do you think he doesn't KNOW that everyone HAS a father and that his has chosen to ignore him. For gods sake, his first words were 'da-da'...there are 'dads' all around him. Why wouldn't he be interested in a father he has never seen??

You are all right of course. I realised long, long ago that my son is a much better person for not knowing this man. I know I have done a good job without his input and (hopefully) will continue to raise this little boy to be the best man that he can be.

But I am still astounded that any human being could commit those thoughts to paper, whether it's about my son or any child. I was really looking for advice about whether to burn the letter (on a bonfire) or to keep it in a safe place away from my son just in case I may need it at some point in his future????

Plek Trum

Keep the letter and all correspondance somewhere safe.

When you son becomes a teenager and hormones kick in there is a chance he might rebel slightly (as all of them do!) If he tries the 'my father has nothing to do with me, who's fault is it'? line, you can at least reassure hin that you tried avery single avenue open to you and this was the response you got. Not in a negative way, but in a gentle and reassuring way that he will know you put him first and foremost always.

LegacyUser

Thank you Plek Trum (love the name!) - that makes perfect sense. I hope I NEVER have to show it to him but I am under no illusion, that as he gets older I may become the baddy and his dad could become a hero in his mind...none of us knows whats around the corner I guess.

fatmammycat

Unregistered wrote: »

Thank you Plek Trum (love the name!) - that makes perfect sense. I hope I NEVER have to show it to him but I am under no illusion, that as he gets older I may become the baddy and his dad could become a hero in his mind...none of us knows whats around the corner I guess.

Jesus, burn it. Don't ever show your son that. No child needs to read that letter, it wasn't to him it was to you. Your son will love you no matter what. And even if he does make some kind of relationship with his father no kid ever needs to read his father didn't want him at some point.

LINDA08

Unregistered wrote: »

In theory, this should be on the parenting board, but it's about a man who will not be a parent and how I deal with it so I think it's more of a personal issue, but mods, feel free to move it if it's in the wrong place.

Won't bore any of you with details but am a single mum to 6yr old boy. His father, after a 2yr relationship, decided he didn't want a child and left me. I've raised my little fella alone and have not had a relationship since his dad and I split. I have been to court with his dad and receive a (paltry) amount of maintenance.

I got involved with some single parent support groups early-on and found them fantastic - sometimes I think I coudln't have gotten this far without them. Their advice to me, down the years has been to try to 'build a bridge' or 'keep the door open' for his dad to come back into his life so every christmas and on my sons birthay, I wrote his dad a note saying heres a recent photo and our address, should you decide to contact him. He's never replied. Until last week.

Last week I received a letter from him. It stated 'You made a choice that you had no right to make when you had that child. Irish law insists that I must pay for your choice. I do not now and I will not ever want a relationship with your son. Stop writing to me.' It was accompanied by a solicitors letter which stated all of the above, in legal terms.

My 'choice' as he so kindly put it, is my (our) 6 year old son. Needless to say, I cried for a long time. My letter to him recently (on my sons 6th birthday) stated the usual but I also asked for an increase in maintenance, which I'm guessing is why I got the above reaction.

So what to do now?

Do I go back to court? Do I burn the letter and forget about him? Do I keep the letter so that my son is aware of his fathers appalling attitude towards him?

There's a part of me that wants to stick those posters up around the town, with his photo on, just so everyone in our village will know what a horrible man he is but I won't let myself down by doing that.

Please keep in mind that there has been no contact between us for 6 and a half years so any animosity he has had towards me in the past, should be long gone at this stage. But it obviously has not. And please don't say that I'm only giving my side of the story, because of course I am, because I'm the one looking for advice. The facts are that we have had no contact (except for court ordered maintenance) since I was pregnant which was over 6yrs ago now. He gets two notes per year from me. Thats it.

OP I could have written the very same myself almost word for word so as bad as it seems take heart in that someone else has gone through it too as I am sure lots more mothers and fathers have.

I'm sure to have received that letter must have hurt you more than words can say I too have received similar but by text and I used to read and re-read them trying to work out how someone could feel so negatively about an innocent child who is there flesh and blood.

My personal thoughts would be to destroy the letter, you will find yourself reading and re-reading it over and over again, each time it will only build up anger within you and impact on you as a person which in turn despite your best efforts will impact on your relationship with your son, (meaning having bad mood days etc) ifkwim. I couldn't imagine ever showing my son a letter like that irrespective of how bad our relationship could be in the future even if he was a grown adult and I can see no real benefit to holding onto it.

I would agree with the others, do not send him any further correspondence I stopped around fathers day last year sending cards on behalf of my son, if I was to be honest I was hoping everytime I sent it that once he sees a picture of his son his heart would melt but unfortunately I think it only annoyed him more and I felt the backlash, it always backfired.

I've decided I'm not going to try force a relationship between my son and his dad it is not possible when one person is not open to it, it will be up to my son and his dad to make their relationship work when my son is old enough to make his own decisions about wanting to contact him or not, all I can do is be the best mother/ parent I can with the circumstances I have found myself in and bring my son up to have respect for himself and the people he meets through his life and hope that he will never feel that he missed out on anything being brought up by his mother only.

I know it's a cliche (sp) but it really is his loss, best of luck with the future.

ClioC

My advice to you is to reply to him via the solicitor one final time stating that as he has requested you to stop contact you are doing so at HIS request.
Specify your contact details and say you are leaving the avenue of contact open should he reconsider in the future.
Every year continue as you have been doing with a photo for each christmas and birthday only not posting them - keep these together with THAT letter in a safe place - possibly your parents house i.e where your son wont come across them accidently?? Then should the need arise in the future you have it all there!
And remember that you are the reason your son has and will continue turn into the type of man you can be proud of ! You truly are inspirational and should be proud of yourself - no one can take away from you that you have tried and will (no doubt) continue to put your son first

Kidchameleon

Plek Trum wrote:

"Keep the letter and all correspondance somewhere safe."

+1

TheInquisitor

Unregistered wrote: »

You made a choice that you had no right to make when you had that child.

May i ask what he means by this before i offer advise?

SuperTyper

I would never ever show your son the letter he sent. It would break his heart, no matter what age, to be rejected by his father like that, in black and white. Leave the bloke to his own devices now, if he doesn't want anything to do with your son, its his loss and his choice. My son is nearly a teenager and his father rarely bothers to see him, once a year. Even though he has another son now who he takes every Saturday night. Its heartbreaking but my son has never missed out, I've made sure of that and he never asks to go see his dad, he never speaks about him and he is a great natured kid, does really well in school and has great mates and a great family. Sometimes thats all they need. Move on, put it to the back of your mind and concentrate on your and your son and I wish you all the best.

LegacyUser

To play devils advocate, did you both discuss having children or the options available when you found out you were pregnant?

January

TheInquisitor wrote: »

May i ask what he means by this before i offer advise?

I'm assuming he means that when she got pregnant he wanted an abortion and she didn't and continued with the pregnancy.

Unregistered wrote: »

To play devils advocate, did you both discuss having children or the options available when you found out you were pregnant?

Does that really matter now? There's always going to be an argument over "oh well he didn't want to the child in the first place, so why should he have anything to do with it now?". At the end of the day, this man is a father and he does not want to know his son. The OP is probably devastated for her son that he will never know him.

OP, my advice is get rid of it. If your son wants to find his Dad when he is older, don't stop him, help him. If this man reacts the same way as he is now at least your son would have heard it straight from the horses mouth and not from you (he could possible think you are trying to spread lies about his Dad).

LegacyUser

Don't ever show that letter to him, it would completely destroy him.

My son's father has nothing to do with him. He wrote a similar letter years ago which i burned. I didn't want it as i kept re-reading it cos it's hard when someone you love and someone you planned a baby with turns around and rejects both of you.

We have moved on, my son has always asked about his father and when he was younger i will admit i used to say he was busy working and lots of other excuses but as he got older he could see for himself that he just wasn't interested.

He still misses him, always insists that he doesn't, but all you can tell him is that you love him and remind him all of the other people who love him.

It is tough, i still hope that at some point my son has a relationship with his father, the rejection of a parent must be the toughest thing to go through in life.

Love your son like you do and just carry on doing what you are doing , and answer all the questions as honestly as you can, just don't ever badmouth his father as he is still that to him, regardless of whether he sees him or not.

SarahMc

I'm in the burn the letter camp. So your son will become an angry hormone ridden teenager who thinks you are the baddy - you will show him the letter 'you think I'm the baddy - look what a sh1t your daddy is'. I think your son will work that one out without seeing that letter.

Sleepy

Unregistered wrote: »

For gods sake, his first words were 'da-da'...

As someone enjoying hearing those words at the moment - take comfort in the fact that 'da-da-da-da-da' tends to be most baby's first words as 'da' is apparently the easiest sylable to pronounce... even 'mama' gets pronounced 'dada' for the first while

Caryatnid

fatmammycat wrote: »

Stop sending him the notes and letters. He has made it clear he has no interest in either you or your son.

I disagree with this. I think the way the OP is sending a note with picture twice a year shows her maturity and means she is always in the 'good camp' as I don't think it's beyond the realms of possibility that one day a father would like to meet his child and this way he always knows the address and how to contact his son.
Maybe just send the note at Christmas, but I think it was really mature of the OP doing this, and a great idea, the father can never turn around and say that he didn't know how to contact his son.

Also OP, I do agree with the general sentiment of never showing your son the letter. However, I wouldn't burn it. Keep it in a safe place, even if you have to give it to someone close to mind so that you don't keep reading it. You might like to use it as evidence in court. This guy seems like a bit of a psycho, I'm thinking maybe he could decide not to pay maintenence on the pretence you won't let him see the child - this letter could be used as evidence to show the truth.

I wonder what kind of solicitor he found to do this.

I can imagine how you feel like putting posters all around the village. If you live in a small community, you could more or less do this anyway by word of mouth. However if it gets out (particularly if you put signs up) then your son will find out about it, and this isn't good if you don't ever want to show him the letter.

I'm so sorry that you have someone so horrible in your life like this.

CDfm

You are a really good person to encourage the Dad to have contact and access.

I wish you and your son the best.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for your advice.

To answer a few questions...

No, we didn't discuss the possibility of children at any point - it was assumed we'd stay together (on my part anyhow) and assumed that kids would be in the mix. However, my son wasn't planned.

When I got pregnant, we didn't discuss our options so to speak. I got pregnant and we were both very shocked but both in our mid 30's and thought hey, this might not be such a bad idea after all. For about 2 weeks, all was well - we were talking about me moving in with him (I was renting, he had his own home) and turning the back room into a nursery. He went to work one day, came home and said 'I've changed my mind, I don't want a child'. We argued for about 2 days. He suggested abortion once but it wasn't an option for me and he didn't bring it up again. I was 9 weeks pregnant at that point. The next time I saw him was when my son was for months and I had brought him to court for our first (of three) maintenance hearings.

I did discuss this with a solicitor yesterday evening as I was hoping to get back to court and ask for an increase in maintenance (I get €40pw). My solicitor said that a judge would 'hang him' (his words) if he saw that letter. Judges don't look favourably on men who don't accept responsibility for their children. Particularly men who have the stupidity to write it down.

I've given the letter to my solicitor because you're right, I had been reading and re-reading and thinking 'What the f..????'. So my solicitor has it now and I will never ever show it to my son. Never.

I've also started to be a bit more honest with my son. Up to this point, I'd been saying that his dad just wasn't ready to be a dad and maybe some day he would. He asked over the weekend about his dad ('What age will I be when I can meet my dad mam?') and I said "Unfortunately, your dad is not a very nice man buster...there are nice men and not so nice men and your dad is one of the not so nice men. I can't answer your question darlin' butguess how much I love you????? Quick change of subject kinda did the trick....This is the first time I've EVER said anything bad about his dad to him....

994

phutyle wrote: »

Of course you had the right to have your child, and he's not paying for your choice, but for his legal responsibility as the biological father of the child. He seems to have a very skewed view of rights and responsibilities.

it might not be a popular view, but remember that you were never obliged to raise the child - you could have aborted, or left it up for adoption, and you would not have any legal obligations to him. But the father is forced by law to be "responsible", even though if he wanted to be a father and you didn't want him to know his child, it would be very easy to keep him away. That's also a "very skewed view of rights and responsibilities".

LegacyUser

Not the point completely.

Why oh why whenever there is a thread on these boards about 'deadbeat dads' (I love that americanism) does somebody always refer back to 'your choice to have the child...you were never obliged to raise the child' etc etc.

That's just BS.

If I was 6 weeks pregnant NOW then yes, that's a valid point.

But this is a 6yr old boy we are talking about. He is 6. He is in Senior Infants. He plays football on saturdays. He loves swimming. He wants to be on X factor when he's 16 :-).

LIVING IN THE PAST and constantly refering to my choice to abort or adopt, are the excuses used by his dad for not taking responsibility for the fact that he is actually HERE!!

Xiney

994, how is your post relevant to the OP's current issue?

Please have a read of the charter and post helpfully and on topic from now on.

Ta

Xiney

Kess73

Do not burn or destroy the letter he sent or the solicitor's letter you received. He may try to contest the payments and may be blaming to go through the courts or even simply thinking about chancing his arm by stopping the payments by himself.


Keep the letters and if he does try anything you have them to give to your own solicitor.


As for sending him the picture each year. I would stop that, as many have said here already. Some men can biologically become fathers but they sure as hell do not have the ability to be a father in the important way.


Consider yourself lucky in the sense that this man is not around having an influence on your little man, and that you are the one helping your son develop his owm moral compass.

LegacyUser

To be honest, I'd take quite a different view from many others who have posted in response to the OP's post.

As far as I can see, the situation is that the OP became pregnant unintentionally by this man 6-7 years ago. The OP decided to proceed with the pregnancy whereas the man wanted an abortion.

The OP assumed (without good reason) that he would come around. He hasn't. He's required to pay court-ordered maintenance for 18 years. He never wanted a child with the OP and doesn't want to be a father. It's all very well saying that that was then and this is now and that he should assume a fathering role now, but that still meaning forcing the OP's decision on him. He simply doesn't want to be a father but is required to financially compensate the OP for her sole choice to proceed with the pregnancy. That's as much as the OP can reasonably expect.

Also, I do think the OP is being somewhat disingenuous - it seems to me that by initially telling her son that the father 'isn't yet ready to be a dad' that that was raising the expection in the child that his father will 'come around'. When that hasn't happened, it naturally raises questions for the child, which feeds back into the OP's presumptions, and around it goes. The fact that she's now suggesting telling the child that the father is 'bad' and suggested posting his message up around town indicates that she doing this, at least in part, out of revenge at the father not 'coming around' to her way of thinking about things.

As some others have said, get on with your life as it is. You're getting maintenance, and may get more again, particularly if you're going to use his letter against him in court. Tell the child, in age appropriate terms, what has happened, without the overlay of disguised anger, i.e., you wanted to be a mammy but he didn't want to be a daddy, so you went different ways. Everyone will be better off.

CDfm

Unregistered wrote: »

But this is a 6yr old boy we are talking about. He is 6. He is in Senior Infants. He plays football on saturdays. He loves swimming. He wants to be on X factor when he's 16 :-).

I see things from both sides as a divorced Dad.

Your boy is the most important thing to you and you love him to bits.

Unfortunately his Dad for whatever reason doesnt -he may feel he was trapped into fatherhood or whatever. Thats rhetorical.

What I would sayto you is this. You and your ex had huge arguments and ended up in court and the last contact he has had with you is court.The last thing your ex sees of you is the court. The family law system in Ireland is adversorial & nasty (which is what courts are)and the only thing it can decide on is money. It cant fix relationships.It is supposed to be the last place you go when things go horribly wrong but it often ends up as the first.

While the judge may personally think the guy is a dickhead doesnt come into the maintenance award. So if you are looking to have maintenance increased by all means get your solicitor to write to his and say so before pursuing the court option.

If it is the case that you are on state benefit and by increasing maintenance you loose that amount in benefit then you are looking to punish your ex and that is probably not what you need and is a waste of time. Get on with your life.

What to say to your son. Tell him your ex wasnt ready to be a Dad and maybe some day.

LegacyUser

OP here.



'...he is.....required to financially compensate the OP for her sole choice to proceed with the pregnancy'

So I'm getting €40 financial compensation am I???
He is NOT compensating me. He is providing financial support FOR HIS SON. €40 towards his food for a week, his childcare for a week, his new runners, his new clothes...

"Also, I do think the OP is being somewhat disingenuous - it seems to me that by initially telling her son that the father 'isn't yet ready to be a dad' that that was raising the expection in the child"

I got the letter last week. So for 6years I assumed that he may someday, cop on. God WHAT WAS I THINKING telling my son that one day his dad might actually cop on???? What an awful mother I've been!!! I should have told him the truth should I?? 'Eh, sorry but your dad wanted me to abort you and will never be your father'

Over and out.

LegacyUser

You should be relieved that your son will not have any contact with such a low life. He could be a bad influence on him. In my opinion an absent father is better than a bad father. You sound like you are doing the best for your son's emotional health as well as everything else. This will stand to him in later years. What counts is the love and support that he has , not that which he doesn't have.

LegacyUser

Thanks CDFM - you wrote some good stuff there.

I'm not on state benefit thank God. I've worked from day one and my son had been cared for by childminder or more recently, his afterschool club so if I got an increase, I would see it as an actual increase, and not as a way of punishing my ex. But like everyone, I have been hit by the recent levies and cut in salary. I can think of many, many, many other ways to punish him apart from financially.....most of which would get me locked up unfortunately ;-)

And yes, I am very grateful that he does not have this man influencing his life in any way...there's a reason for everything I believe and perhaps this was the way it was supposed to be...still hurts when he brought the card home from school yesterday 'For someone who is like a daddy to me'...and gave it to my brother! Didn't hurt him though, which is the main thing!!!

CDfm

Unregistered wrote: »

So I'm getting €40 financial compensation am I???
He is NOT compensating me. He is providing financial support FOR HIS SON.

Agreed its not much but the state benefit structure is put together to facitate single parents.

Its the way it works.

I got the letter last week. So for 6years I assumed that he may someday, cop on. God WHAT WAS I THINKING telling my son that one day his dad might actually cop on???? What an awful mother I've been!!! I should have told him the truth should I?? 'Eh, sorry but your dad wanted me to abort you and will never be your father'

What you were thinking is that your 6 year old is a lovely little fella and its your job to protect him from nasty stuff in life and thats what you are doing.

Brendan Behan said something like that there is no bad situation that the presence of a policeman hasnt made worse. I think the same about Family Law Solictors.It has become a feud.Its for situations like this where people are hurt that you need mediation.

LegacyUser

I agree with the above poster about an absent fathering being better than a bad father. I speak from experience, as a man in his late 20s who's parents split up when he was 8. My father allegedly (I believe it) cheated on my mother and was caught. He also stopped making mortgage repayments without my mother's knowledge and we eventually lost our home. All of this while my mother was pregnant with my only sibling.

My mother, my sibiing and I moved in with her parents and we lived there until my early 20s. At this stage my father apparently suffered a nervous breakdown as a result of his marraige falling apart. He subsequently developed progressive mental problems and it took me many years for me to realise that his behaviour was very abnormal. He used to constantly question and probe me for information regarding my mother and when I wouldn't answer him, he would even corner some of my friends at the time and ask them in a joking but very manipulative sort of way try and get information out of them. I used to see him a few times a year, as he eventually moved to another city. During that time my mother also grew to resent him even more and more and although she didn't stop us from seeing him, she did speak very negatively about him and said things to us that I will take to my grave and wish she hadn't said despite the fact that all if it was most likely true. I just didn't need to know. Also during that time I had people all sides of me telling me things, not realising that there were other people telling me conflicting pieces of information. So I found it increasingly difficult to trust people.

My Grandfather who was very youthful and open minded served as a very positive male influence in our lives as we grew up. He brought me to football matches, insisted I got a job when I was a teenager. Gave out to me when I didn't do what I was told, and told me I was brilliant when I earned my college degrees, not to mention all the little things. He stood beside me all the way and thankfully I have lovely photographs of him being so very proud of me and the person I became.

2 months ago my Grandfather passed away very suddenly and it hit me like a tonne of bricks. The day after my father heard about this and immediately headed my way. His agenda was to cause as much upset and damage as he could, in his current mental state. I begged him on the phone to please leave me be that I had just lost my grandfather and I was very close to him and I just needed this time without any trouble. He completely ignored my plea because despite the fact he and my mother are seperated for over 20 years, divorsed for about 10, and my mother is happily remarried, he still insists he is her husband and we are a happy family. Yes I know it's completely dillusional.

So my father arrives down and straight away goes to the Guards and makes some false claims to try and cause problems. Claims such my sibling and I/were being abused by my mother's new partner. I'm sure at this stage I don't have to tell you that this is absolute madness. So on the morning of my Grandfather's funeral I had to go to the Garda station & the courthouse to try and protect the funeral from being invaded by a mad man. Thankfully he did go away after I explained the situation to the Gardai and they advised him but could not take any legal action against him unless he actually physically assaulted someone.

Sorry I'm just starting to rant now at this stage....my point is this....OP if the father of your child cannot be a father to your child then don't pursue it. The last thing that a child needs is a parent who does not have their child's best interests at heart. My father is so consumed with resentment towards the situation he found himself in (divorsed), he does not care about anyone else except himself. I encourage you to go to your support groups, but as a young boy, now a grown man I have seen how much damage can be done when you try to hold on to a bad relationship "for the sake of it".

My Grandfather was the one who took me under his wing without even mentioning it. He took the time to really get to know me and we used to have great chats. I looked up to him so much and if I recalled all the hard times in my life up until the day he died, he was sitting there right beside me like it was his duty, but in all honesty it wasn't. In my opinion, that's a father, and when my own biological father behaved like that on the day of my Grandfather's funeral I was eventually able to completely cut ties with him for good.

It's working out very well thus far.

iMax

Your son is better off without his "dad". It was probably a mistake putting it into his bi-annual letter, it really should have been a seperate thing.

It's time to move on for yourself also. While your son will always be number one (rightly), you should start socialising/dating again.

You should keep the letter(s) for your sone for when he's (much) older. & also look for an increase in maintenance through the courts.

CDfm

Unregistered wrote: »

Thanks CDFM - you wrote some good stuff there.

I'm not on state benefit thank God. I've worked from day one and my son had been cared for by childminder or more recently, his afterschool club so if I got an increase, I would see it as an actual increase, and not as a way of punishing my ex. But like everyone, I have been hit by the recent levies and cut in salary. I can think of many, many, many other ways to punish him apart from financially.....most of which would get me locked up unfortunately ;-)

And yes, I am very grateful that he does not have this man influencing his life in any way...there's a reason for everything I believe and perhaps this was the way it was supposed to be...still hurts when he brought the card home from school yesterday 'For someone who is like a daddy to me'...and gave it to my brother! Didn't hurt him though, which is the main thing!!!

Well OP you are doing the right things for the right reasons.

So your solicitor should write to his solicitor along the lines that you have just written highlighted in red. Saying it is not your wish to go to court and you would like to do things by agreement.

Your solicitor should also ask about mediation and maybe even ask is there any possibility that your exs parents wanted contact with your son.Remember that its not just you and your ex who are affected. Unmarried fathers who maintain contact for even 1 day a year are entitled to a dependants allowance tax credit of 1830 pa- almost 2 grand in tax credits.

Remember its you who instructs the solicitor and sets the tone for these negotiations.

So remember you are starting with a clean sheet and there is no reason to drop your standards now.

I think you are doing fine.

Kipperhell

OP I think you have misunderstood what "keeping the lines of communication open" means. You are closing your child's mind down to his father by saying he is "not nice" and may very well effect his future relationships with woman and men.

I have had three close friends have their relationships challenged by pregnancy. They all said they didn't want children but it appears the women made a decision without the men. One couple broke up, one stayed together but there is no trust and the third are happy. The women came off the pill and didn't tell their partners. The betrayal was uniform but the lasting anger has only gone from one relationship.

Now you say you didn't do it intentionally but he may not believe you. Given that this actually does happen it is not unreasonable for him to think this. Now by sending the notes he may feel you are trying to manipulate him into a relationship with his child which effectively is what you were hoping would happen. So he got angry and sent a letter to have you stop attempting to manipulate him. I would have thought he would have said it first before a legal letter but maybe he thought the ignore of the previous notes would have worked.

From what you have described it sounds like the father feels betrayed and manipulated by you. It doesn't matter what you feel the truth is. This does not automatically make this man horrible or anything else other than what he always was which you thought was worth something for 2 years. There are a million reasons why somebody doesn't want kids and you may have no idea of how betrayed he may feel. Ultimately you did make a decision that effected his life and he will unlikely feel the first decision that effected his life was to sleep with you and the possible out comes.

I would destroy the letter and come up with a different explanation for your child.

Hrududu

OP I think you have misunderstood what "keeping the lines of communication open" means. You are closing your child's mind down to his father by saying he is "not nice" and may very well effect his future relationships with woman and men.

She's damned if she does and she's damned if she doesn't.

I can't imagine being in that situation and commend the OP for keeping the lines of communication open as long as she has. The man wants nothing to do with her son so what is she supposed to tell him? Does she say there might be a possibility of him one day coming around? Because that just gets his hopes up.

Splendour

To Unreg #40, I'm so sorry for the tough time you've had with your parents divorce-such a sad story. Am so so sorry for you on the loss of your Grandfather.
Take care...

LegacyUser

Thanks again guys, and thanks for that story Unreg..I'm really sorry for the loss of your grandad. Hope you're doing ok.

I really don't want this man in my sons life. Yes I would prefer that my son did not have to grow up not knowing his father. But I'm not sorry that he's growing up not knowing this particular man. I sometimes think I failed him because how on gods earth could I have ever 'picked' this man to be his dad?? Obviously, before I had a child we were in a relationship but I could NEVER have anticipated his reaction to becoming a father would have been so toxic. Never. Not in a million years.

My son wasn't planned, as most, or alot of kids aren't but I'm doing a wonderful job, I really am. He is such a great kid, although I would say that, I'm his mammy :-)

Like I said earlier, I believe that everything happens for a reason..I really do..and I often think that I am supposed to raise this little fella alone, without the influence of that horrible, horrible man in his life. Yes it's tough sometimes, but the good far outweighs the bad!!

So the letter is with my solc - I've a court date for October..I might jut pop back here and let ye know how I get on! Thanks alot for taking the time to post - it means alot.

MsTempermental

Do not keep the letter and never show it to your son, you say you were very upset by it imagine how your son would feel when he's older, by then he will know his father has rejected him he doesn't need to see it written down for him. Yes there is every chance your son will throw it in your face when he is older but as a mother that will have to be something you will take for him, unfair but inevitable. I have a very difficult relationship with my (seperated) parents and have been put in the middle several times and the "he said she said" crap was not beneficial to me. You have done your best when he is older he will see that.

Kipperhell

Hrududu wrote: »

She's damned if she does and she's damned if she doesn't.

I can't imagine being in that situation and commend the OP for keeping the lines of communication open as long as she has. The man wants nothing to do with her son so what is she supposed to tell him? Does she say there might be a possibility of him one day coming around? Because that just gets his hopes up.

No she is not dammed one way or the other there are other solutions.

The father doesn't want to communicate that is his decision. Her saying bad things about him to their son is her decision. She could tell the boy that the father does not want to have a child but she did and she doesn't think the father will change his mind . That is the truth saying he is "not nice" is to say that half the boy is from a bad place. Being a grown up parent means she should understand that her feelings should not be expressed at certain times.

Keeping lines open is more than sending some pictures and notes. It doesn't matter how she feels about the father. The letter was not for the son and sounds completely directed at the mother and should be kept that way.

Splendour

OP, I can will never understand how any parent can abandon their child, but unfortunately they do and it is very difficult to pick up the pieces.
However I do agree with posters who've said an absent Father is better than a bad one.
This might sound awful to you but I'd rather be in your postion right now than my own. My kids have had to listen to years of c**p about me from their Dad and tbh it is as far as I'm concerned a form of abuse. I couldn't care less what he says directly to me but not when it hurts and confuses my kids. One of my kids live with their Dad and one is living with me.

Because the younger child hasn't been going to his Dad's house since January,my son got a text to say he was clearing his room out and giving all his stuff to charity. This was bad enough for a kid to hear but then on Monday my son came home from school in an awful state;his 'Father' sent a text saying, ' You don't have a Dad anymore. I have one son and he is now living with me here...'

Maccattack

HANG ON TO THAT LETTER GIRL.

You may never show it to your sone but you might need it for other reasons.

This guy could come back one day. Ive seen it before. They get a girlfriend or get married and the woman is jealous of his previous relationships and/or pushes him to have a relationship with the child. He comes back all guns blazing, blaming you, saying you kept them apart.

He tells the kid he tried to have a relationship but his mum stopped it. He goes for joint custody but youve moved on. You have a new partner and the boy has a new dad. you want to move away but cant blah blah blah.

if it ever goes to court you will need that document. Personally, I think you should get out of town now so he cant harrass you later. He is a pr*ck now and could be an even bigger one in the future.

LegacyUser

Defo hang on to the letter, but put in somewhere your son can't find it. If you end up back in court for more maintenance you don't know what he will tryto tell the judge- at least this way you can prove that you have done everything right. Which I think you have- sending a letter twice a year is a very responsible and mature decision. You could have forgotten about him and years down the line your son may ask why you didn't bother trying to involve his father in his life or, if he does come around, he may be told by this man that you kept him away. Showing him would be cruel, but you never know how things may turn out so it might be your ony choice.
And for the person who said he is forced by law to be responsible.. so is she. While she had the choices of abortion and adoption herself, he had the choice not to sleep with her knowing the possible consequences., therefore he did make a choice to risk having a child and so should be responsible. The fact that a woman and not a man has the choice of abortion is not a valid point- could you imagine what type of society we would have if fathers could "veto" the decision to give birth to their child?