Contacting my ex-girlfriend - good idea?

LegacyUser

After a 3 year relationship, myself and my gf broke up. It was amicable, and we just recognised that we had lots of issues that were very difficult, or impossible, to fix. She had an eating distorder for one thing and it was putting a serious strain on both our lives.

This was back in March. Back then we both realised we still had a lot of feelings for each other, and agreed to stay in contact a little bit to make sure each other were doing ok, and to check in every now and then. We also said we'd meet up in person for a coffee in a few months.. after all of the upset and clouded thoughts had gone away, just to have a friendly chat.

Well, in the past 3 or 4 months we've txted about once every 3 or 4 weeks. At one stage we went a long period without txting, and my gf txted to wish me a happy bank holiday, I txted back a couple of times. Then she txted me when it was our anniversary.

Recently I wanted to know she was doing ok, because I still care for her a lot, and I texted her to tell her that and to make sure she was doing ok. I also said that maybe we'd meet in person sometime in July or August for a coffee, just to see how we are both doing and to catch up.

The thing is, many people say you should sever all contact. So I'm asking you guys - is this contact damaging? Is it slowing down the healing process? She is a very emotional person (heck, I can be too), and there are a lot of attachments to me... I think she's more attached to me than I am to her, so I have to ease her off me. But I think she's unable to move on easily, so.... am I actually harming her by entertaining her txts and sending her nice caring messages/emails, wishing her well? And keeping up with how her life is going, etc?

It feels like we should still be friends after 3 years together... the "non communicatio" rule seems unnatural, but ... well... any advice appreciated basically

Kiera

If you want to get over her totally you need to cut all contact. You will never move on while you are still texting each other.

the_god_swan

I have to agree with the above poster... dribble contact is taking the easy option to breaking up with someone. I came out of a 4 year relationship a few months ago and although we parted on good terms, the last thing we said was zero contact. Remember the good times and move to the next stage in life.

SarahSassy

I dont agree. I went out with someone for over 2 years and we are still infrequently in touch and meet up whenever I am in his city... It didnt stop either of us moving on.

aoibhebree

I think the best thing is to completely sever all contact until you've both dealt with the situation and moved on. Once there are no longer any dependency issues or strong feelings on either side, there is no reason why you can't be friends again. This might take a month, or two years - or it might never happen.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Just don't meet up for drinks. Mistakes can easily be made.

Polleta

I tried to have intermittent contact with my ex for the first while after we broke up. We emailed every couple of weeks as little things like Christmas and a trip that he planned came up to see how each other was. He was sick a couple of months later(I could see him online and his facebook comment confirmed) so I sent him a msg on gmail.. heard nothing back and was subsequently blocked. Hadn't spoken in maybe 2 months at that stage but I obvioulsy hadn't stopped caring despite breaking up hmmm 4 months before that. Then I moved on totally and got over him. Met someone new and out of the blue one day he comments on my facebook(over a year later)... now we intermitently email and I mean once every couple of months. He's with someone new as am I its all good.

What I'm saying is it just makes the pain of break up last longer if you keep in touch and a gap of maybe a year could mean you can be friends again. You need to extinguish feelings before you can be friends without hurting.

Best of luck. It hurts like hell in the short term to not know how she is etc but cruel to be kind and you never know what the future holds.

Salome

I really don't think there's much benefit in trying to be friends - if you're hoping for a reconciliation and it doesn't happen - or she hopes for one - one or both of you could get hurt.

Frankly, having her in your life when you're trying to move on could actually hold you back. I think cutting all contact is probably best.

havana

I agree that you can't truely move on when still in contact. That is not to say that in the future you can't get back in touch but initially i think It's best to cut contact. When i broke up with my bf we eventually realised that we were supporting each other thru the breakup and that we could never move on doing that. I would love to still have contact but as i know i'm still not over him nearly 3 years later it's best i don't.