Problems trusting men

LegacyUser

I'm 35 years old, female and I have serious problems trusting men. Sometimes I just wish I was gay so that I wouldn't have to deal with this. Trouble is I'm only attracted to men.

I don't trust them at all not to cheat. I think most men would cheat if they thought they could get away with it (note: I said most, not all).

Statistics have shown that men are more likely to cheat than women and that men are more likely to cheat for sexual gratification while women are more likely to cheat for emotional gratification. So yes, there are cheaters in both genders but it is generally more statistically significant amongst the male members of our population.

I no longer want to get into relationships because I don't want to have to deal with this. I was only cheated on twice and it was not something that really hurt me because I wasn't in love with the person. I had found out he cheated about a year after I broke up with him (turns out he was living with his girlfriend the entire time we were going out!). Jump ahead to my last relationship...started dating him, not too serious but then found out he was married when I started asking to call over to his house etc. Turns out he had a separate phone for contacting me and everything.

What surprises me in all of this is how easy it is for men (and women) to cheat without their partner's knowlege, i.e. how easy it is to get away with it.

I know there are some men out there who don't cheat....but I also want to avoid the needy, clingy ones who will do anything for you and who just reek of desperation.

Is there a middle ground?? I have no desire to get into another relationship because I don't think there is a middle ground. Am I wrong? Or am I just meeting the wrong type of men?
It's not that I'm afraid of getting hurt - it's just that I don't like the idea of being duped.
So now I find myself just engaging in casual relationships where no trust is required. I close myself off 100% emotionally. It suits me down to the ground but a couple of my friends are trying to tell me I'm wrong.

I don't think I am....I just don't trust men. Any thoughts?

reprazant

Is it just mean that you don't trust, or people in general?

It also seems to be me that you are more afraid of falling for somebody and all that goes with it, so, unwilling to take that chance, you hide from the emotional connection, and, to an extent, dependency that goes with it and just for no strings attached type relationships.

Barracudaincork

Unregistered wrote: »

So now I find myself just engaging in casual relationships where no trust is required. I close myself off 100% emotionally. It suits me down to the ground but a couple of my friends are trying to tell me I'm wrong.

I don't think I am....I just don't trust men.

Why do you care what your friends say, let them live their life and you continue to live yours, as you said above it suits you down to the ground to not be in a relationship, so why would you want to be in one just because your friends think you should be? Tell them its sweet they care, but your happy being single etc

Wibbs

Unregistered wrote: »

Statistics have shown that men are more likely to cheat than women and that men are more likely to cheat for sexual gratification while women are more likely to cheat for emotional gratification. So yes, there are cheaters in both genders but it is generally more statistically significant amongst the male members of our population.

It does really depend on the population though. So in my experience far more of the women have cheated on the men in their lives, than the guys have. Far more and sexually too. Add in that again IME more women emotionally stray. And we're talking about some of these men being major player types when single. It so depends on the person, so I realise that other women are not always going to be like the ones I know and treat them accordingly.

I know there are some men out there who don't cheat....but I also want to avoid the needy, clingy ones who will do anything for you and who just reek of desperation.

I know what you mean as many of my women mates have said the same. Yes they can get the nice safe guy who they know will never cheat, but the fact is for these women, these guys are boring and they know they will get bored. They're looking for the exciting guy that has the opportunity to play away, maybe even gets you a tiny bit jealous if he talks to another, but you know deep down he's into you. Why? Because he's just simply more attractive and attractive to other women.

Is there a middle ground?? I have no desire to get into another relationship because I don't think there is a middle ground. Am I wrong? Or am I just meeting the wrong type of men?

Yep there is a middle ground. The guys I mentioned before would be that middle ground. They are attractive to women and they know it enough to have fun when single, but with a partner they just won't do that. They do exist.

I would imagine they're hard to spot for a woman though. The safe guy is easy enough. The mad player is easy enough too. Maybe a good yardstick IMHO is to look at a guy and see how he treats women he's not sexually interested in. If he's still fun respectful and nice with them then that's how he sees women. As people. And that's how he'll treat you down the line too. The player types are often dismissive of women they're not into and the overly safe guys are usually overly sycophantic or dismissive exactly like the player.

Hard one though.

LegacyUser

I'd have to agree with Wibbs, they're are loads of nice guys out there. And yeah the bloke that has female friends, work colleagues they are friendly with, sisters etc is usually the best bet.

I've been in about 4 serious enough relationships and have never been cheated on - yeah I know that I may not know about it but the guys were all decent guys, and still are. I trust my boyfriend because he knows if he cheated then he would let himself down and wouldn't be who he thought he was - which is the way that I feel too...

NickNolte

Just a word of advice - if you are with a good guy that isn't going to cheat on you and you treat him with distrust, you could very easily lose him. Unfortunately we just have to take leaps of faith in relationships. At 35 (a few years older than me) I'd have thought that you'd know how to avoid the obvious cheaters by now. I certainly have.

SarahMc

Unregistered wrote: »

Is there a middle ground?? I have no desire to get into another relationship because I don't think there is a middle ground. Am I wrong?

Yes, you are wrong, there is a middle ground, wherein the vast majority of men are. Of course there are men either end of the spectrum, but they are the minority. That is my experience anyway (I'm female and older than you).

I think your past experiences may have hurt you more than you realise - you sound quite jaded and closed to love.

NickNolte

Wibbs wrote: »

Yes they can get the nice safe guy who they know will never cheat, but the fact is for these women, these guys are boring and they know they will get bored. They're looking for the exciting guy that has the opportunity to play away, maybe even gets you a tiny bit jealous if he talks to another, but you know deep down he's into you. Why? Because he's just simply more attractive and attractive to other women.

If you're more attracted to men who are more likely to cheat then you deserve what you get to be honest.

LegacyUser

NickNolte wrote: »

If you're more attracted to men who are more likely to cheat then you deserve what you get to be honest.

Where do I say that???

Everyone else, thanks for your replies, Wibbs in particular.

I just think the men who wouldn't cheat, even once are few and far between. Just look at all the threads on here from cheating men or from women whose partners have cheated on them.

Statistics show that over half of men cheat...so it's not a minority (it's a bit less for women).

Recently I signed up to a dating site looking for a casual relationship (friend with benefits as I'm not into one night stands) and I was shocked at the amount of men on there that are married or attached!

It just seems to be everywhere which makes me think relationships just aren't worth the hassle.

NickNolte

Unregistered wrote: »

Where do I say that???

I was responding to Wibbs. That's why I quoted him.

Unregistered wrote: »

I just think the men who wouldn't cheat, even once are few and far between.

As Wibbs has pointed out, women are generally their own worst enemies in this regards. They're more attracted to the type of man who would cheat and see the type of man who wouldn't as "weak".

Unregistered wrote: »

Statistics show that over half of men cheat

99.9% of statistics are made up on the spot.

Unregistered wrote: »

Recently I signed up to a dating site looking for a casual relationship (friend with benefits as I'm not into one night stands) and I was shocked at the amount of men on there that are married or attached!

Fair play to them for putting it in their profile.

Unregistered wrote: »

It just seems to be everywhere which makes me think relationships just aren't worth the hassle.

Honestly - if you really are so convinced that a partner is likely to cheat on you then you probably should stay out of relationships. For your own sanity.

Zaph

Unregistered wrote: »

Statistics show that over half of men cheat...so it's not a minority (it's a bit less for women).

If you have a source for this claim please quote it, otherwise please don't throw out statistics just for the sake of it.

Wibbs

NickNolte wrote: »

As Wibbs has pointed out, women are generally their own worst enemies in this regards. They're more attracted to the type of man who would cheat and see the type of man who wouldn't as "weak".

Yes and no. I was saying that exciting attractive men who have the option to cheat but who won't are more attractive to her than men who haven't that option and are "safe" because of it. Its understandable too. I mean what man or woman is not excited by a highly attractive partner, that could have anyone but chose you. Many of the guys she meets, the safe ones are simply not in this category.

99.9% of statistics are made up on the spot.

True AFAIR the stats are more near 30% of married men and 28% of married women do. And thats in the US. I'm sure it's both lesser and more in other parts of the world.

LegacyUser

I am quite similar to you, scared of falling in love because I just expect to be hurt but everyone has to do it at some point. You need to take the risk.

You say over half of men cheat, think of the 30-40% who don't. I have never cheated and don't intend to (I am female), but there still are a large amount of women who do and will.

Karen_*

Everyone takes a risk when they fall for someone. A man might cheat but he might not, and there's plenty that wouldn't. You can't live your life frightened by statistics, threads about cheating on boards and on past experiences. These things can make you more clued in but if it puts you off altogether then ultimately its only you that loses out.

NickNolte

Wibbs wrote: »

Yes and no. I was saying that exciting attractive men who have the option to cheat but who won't are more attractive to her than men who haven't that option and are "safe" because of it. Its understandable too. I mean what man or woman is not excited by a highly attractive partner, that could have anyone but chose you. Many of the guys she meets, the safe ones are simply not in this category.

So women want to be with attractive men who have the option to cheat but won't. I'm sure men are in pretty much the same boat. Sure don't all single people want an attractive partner who won't cheat? There's no "hidden mystery" to your assertion... you're basically just saying that women are as shallow as men are accused of being when it comes to looks.

LegacyUser

I've been with four married men, three actual affairs and one one night stand, it could have been more, but I turned them down. As a result I have absolutely no faith in men whatsoever. Maybe there are men out there who don't cheat, but I've seen no evidence of it.

VaioCruiser

Unregistered wrote: »

I'm 35 years old, female and I have serious problems trusting men. Sometimes I just wish I was gay so that I wouldn't have to deal with this. Trouble is I'm only attracted to men.

So gay women don't cheat ? .....

I don't trust them at all not to cheat. I think most men would cheat if they thought they could get away with it (note: I said most, not all).

As a man I don't believe this for a moment. There is a small minority that have this attitude true enough, but only a small minority.

Statistics have shown that men are more likely to cheat than women and that men are more likely to cheat for sexual gratification while women are more likely to cheat for emotional gratification. So yes, there are cheaters in both genders but it is generally more statistically significant amongst the male members of our population.

Statistics are used to "prove" anything. I don't accept this for one minute. either. Women cheat just as much as men - but are a lot better at hiding it !

I know there are some men out there who don't cheat....but I also want to avoid the needy, clingy ones who will do anything for you and who just reek of desperation.

Seems to me like your men are damned if they do and damned if they don't.

Is there a middle ground?? I have no desire to get into another relationship because I don't think there is a middle ground. Am I wrong? Or am I just meeting the wrong type of men?

My honest answer is that you are completely and utterly wrong.

I think you have been hurt badly and have become bitter and angry and intolerant. I understand it - but it is not the way to go and in my view it is damaging you far more than helping you.

I believe you have to look at yourself and your own flaws and accept that men and women are flawed themselves, and they bring baggage and bad experiences of their own to relationships that cause them to behave the way they do, badly sometimes, not badly other times. If we look for the bad, if we look for the flawed we will ALWAYS find it.

In my humble opinion you must start to change your philosophy on life. You are on a journey and along the way there will be decent guys and bastards. But there are a LOT more decent guys than bastards I promise you. You need to learn to trust again, but I believe it will take time. It will not be easy but in my view it takes a real reassessment of yourself and a new acceptance of others.

I have to say to you that I do not think that closing yourself off emotionally with help you. It will hurt you and continue hurting you - lowering your self esteem and in the end you will feel cheap, worthless and used.

All the best.