Caught my father visiting dating websites

LegacyUser

I looked in the window of our living room, and saw my Dad on one of those free dating websites. I watched for a while and saw him browse and send messages.

He didn't know I spotted him so I went into the computer and found his username. Then I created a false female user and contacted him on that site to find out what he's looking for.

My Dad is 67, and he has himself on the site as 57. Says he's "looking for a nice lady" who shares more of his interests. After contacting him on the site, it seems is no intimacy in his marriage and he seems quite eager to meet up, exchange photos and phone numbers.

I'm 29, and my initial reaction to this last night was one of amusement when I saw him browsing that site. But now I feel a little bit of hurt and betrayal. And my biggest feeling is feeling sorry for my Mum and I'm hoping she doesn't get hurt. I mean, it seems like he seriously wants to meet people, probably for sex. I don't think he wants to leave her, but what if she found out about all this? She would be so hurt..

I really don't know what to do. Maybe I should approach him and have a chat about it. I really don't want my Mum to get hurt, she's 63 or so... isn't it a bit late now for my Dad to decide to do all this? I've started asking him more question on the dating site (with my false female user account) to find out if he's cheated before, and if he wants to leave the relationship.

I also feel that at 29, I probably shouldn't be too affected by this sort of thing, but I do feel a little sad.

July

Sounds like you're the one doing the cheating OP!

Tough situation though.

At his age, he's probably looking for a bit of excitement and may not follow it through by meeting up with anybody. Doubt he'd leave your mum after all this time and having had a family and setting up home together.

I think you should delete your account. Technically he hasn't done anything wrong - although I agree your mother would probably be upset if she knew. Sometimes ignorance is bliss...

Edit: ok, just re-read and saw that he's eager to meet up.. not good

PirateShampoo

So your a 29 year old man pretending to be a mature older women chatting up your 57 year old dad on a dating website?

You dont know what goes on behind closed doors in ur parents relationship. For all you know its a loveless marriage and they are only together for ur sake.

Zippitydoo

I think you need to stop contacting your dad through this website immediately and talk to him face to face no matter how difficult it is to do. As said, you don't have a clue what is going on behind closed doors. You could cause serious relationship damage to the three of you if you continue this.

cnocbui

If I was your dad and found out, I'd cut you out of my will. :rolleyes:

yank_in_eire

Shop the slimy fecker in and watch the fur fly!:D

finbarrk

Leave him alone. You'll probably be at the same thing when you are older too.

LegacyUser

Ok, a bit of a update.

After some further emailing, I've discovered that there is a lack of intimacy in his marriage and he says there never really was much anyway. This is how he justifies his affairs, and he says that he feels no guilt. Apparently he had a fling 10 years ago.

Regarding current meetings, he says he is afraid of hurting people (ie. my Mum) but says that everything would be covered, and this makes it a kind of adventure. He also wants to exchange phone numbers and possibly send photos across the phone. He gives his mobile number and email. He also seems eager to meet "for just a chat at first" and suggest some meeting places about 1 hour drive away. I should also note that he responds to messages quite fast, and is checking the site very regularly.

Personally, I understand how you guys feel - going on there and pretending to be a female was a bit on the deceptive side. But I wanted to see what he was up to, and why (he had deleted all his internet history). Now I know pretty much everything, and I can understand better where he's coming from. He has his reasons for doing this. My initial reaction to seeing him on that free dating website was mainly that I didn't understand why he would do that to my Mum... now I do understand, so something good has come of this at least.

I think I will meet him to chat about this. Although I don't know exactly what I will say... I know I can't stop him doing it, but I just feel so sorry for my Mum who is oblivious to all this. Maybe I can advise him somehow and ask him is he doing ok... I don't know...

PirateShampoo

I really think you need to stop, i think its very creepy what your doing and is something a young teenager would do.

I think you should keep your nose out of your parents business.

LegacyUser

PirateShampoo wrote: »

I really think you need to stop, i think its very creepy what your doing and is something a young teenager would do.

I think you should keep your nose out of your parents business.

Thanks for your helpful comments and advice PirateShampoo

LegacyUser

I totally understand where you're coming from OP.
If I were you, my biggest concern would be him passing some dose on to your poor unsuspecting mother. She wouldnt be the first women to get something from a cheating spouse.
Definitely have a chat with him.

JonathanAnon

Man, that is a very awkward situation. I think you should cease the mailing through the website, as this is sort of entrapment really.

I guess you have two choices:
a) to pretend you know nothing.
or
b) to tackle it directly. You could say that you found email/notes/temp files/whatever and you know that he has been making contact with other women on a dating website. Then take it from there. DONT tell him you are the 57 yo woman whatever you do. Keep this detail to yourself.

You could of course break his internet connection or computer, but if he wants to do this he will find out how to do it somehow.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your advice, Unregistered - yes, that's another concern I hadn't even thought about. An STD could indeed be passed on, especially if he met someone and just desparately wanted to have sex without thinking of consequences or safety.

Thanks for the advice.

John Mason

this has nothing to do with you whatsoever.

i think you emailing him looking for personal details of your parents sex life is extremely disturbing and worrying.

how would you feel if the situation was reversed

Mr. Presentable

PFB is right. None of your business, OP.

What's your next step: Get dressed up in your mother's Sunday best and meet up with him for a date?

ManFromAtlantis

god imagine if you arrange to meet him and actually meet him only to tell him what you know............ not a great first date ! seriously face him or stop the double identity thing... a bit creepy.

LegacyUser

Geeesh, enough of the creepy stuff already! You all obviously think I'm a total creep.. but I was just trying to find out information as he'd deleted his history. What's so creepy about that? I would have seen it all if I'd browsed the history anyway...

John Mason

well, if you that interested in your fathers sex life - just ask him

going undercover as a girl to lure him and ask him questions is freaky

philologos

OP: Your heart is definitely in the right place. I don't think that this is "none of your business". This is your father you are talking about and it could potentially affect his relationship with your mother. I do think that you have gone too far by making an account on this site, and you shouldn't have gone to that extreme. However, I suggest that you talk to him, and let him know how dissapointed you are and that you didn't expect for him to be doing this when he is supposed to be happily married to your mother. I wouldn't have gone so far as you, but I wouldn't have taken it so liberally as other posters here have.

username123

OP - while its not very nice to think (or know) that your father is visiting dating websites behind your mothers back, your own behaviour is a gross invasion of your fathers privacy! You couldnt help seeing him on a site through the window - but to actually register with the site, pretend you are a woman interested in talking to him and lure him into emailing you personal thoughts about his sexual relationship with your mother, and his interests in other women is just disgusting. You seriously have issues if you think its ok to behave like that. Its worse than reading someones diary. What you should have done (and what you can still do) is just tell him face to face that you have come across evidence of activity on dating websites and ask him why he is doing that. I really think you need to look at your own behaviour before even considering addressing your fathers to him. How would you like it if a family member started snooping in your personal life in such an underhand manner? Your parents relationship is none of your business, I do understand you are worried for your mother and to that end I would think its ok to question your father face to face about coming across him on dating websites - but what you have done so far is just wrong.

To take a very objective step backwards, here is a family where a father is going behind his wifes back to hang around dating websites and perhaps arrange dalliances. And a son who goes behind his fathers back and masquerades as a woman to lure his father into revealing personal information about his relationship with his wife. See a pattern?

Cateym

I think ye are all being way to harsh with the OP. OK so he shouldn't have done all that stuff but it does not make him a creep. Plenty of women do it to trap cheating partners. I agree he has gone about it the wrong way but the way people are carrying on you'd swear he was the one trying to cheat!!!

LegacyUser

Cateym wrote: »

I think ye are all being way to harsh with the OP. OK so he shouldn't have done all that stuff but it does not make him a creep. Plenty of women do it to trap cheating partners. I agree he has gone about it the wrong way but the way people are carrying on you'd swear he was the one trying to cheat!!!

Thanks, and I'm glad somebody feels a little empathy!

The truth is, this is somewhat a reversal of roles. You see - what I didn't tell you guys about - I'm a transvestite and once my father discovered a yahoo chat window belonging to me on the PC after I'd left it. The chat Window contained a very sexual conversation between me and a tranny-chaser, and in that conversation we arranged to meet each other. Instead of closing the chat Window, my father obviously read it. And instead of coming straight to me, he went to my sister and talked to her about how he was worried about me messing around or getting STDs from having sex in dodgy circumstances!

Now I know two wrongs don't make a right, but there was no need for him to go telling my sister. He was quite worried about me, and I understand that, but for months afterwards my sister was also worried and a bit freaked by the whole thing. Now two of my sisters know about my dressing habits, and he knows as well. He didn't tell my Mum thankfully, cos she'd go crazy. My sister told me I should go back and talk to him, and reassure him I was safe, and wasn't having gay sex - so I did that, and he was very easy to talk to, and handled it very well, better than most dads would. He didn't judge me or anything.

So similarly, I'm not judging him, but DID want to get as much info as possible before I approached him so that I knew the full story. And now that I do, I will approach it more sensitively!

madra-rua

theson29 wrote: »

Thanks, and I'm glad somebody feels a little empathy!

The truth is, this is somewhat a reversal of roles. You see - what I didn't tell you guys about - I'm a transvestite and once my father discovered a yahoo chat window belonging to me on the PC after I'd left it. The chat Window contained a very sexual conversation between me and a tranny-chaser, and in that conversation we arranged to meet each other. Instead of closing the chat Window, my father obviously read it. And instead of coming straight to me, he went to my sister and talked to her about how he was worried about me messing around or getting STDs from having sex in dodgy circumstances!

Now I know two wrongs don't make a right, but there was no need for him to go telling my sister. He was quite worried about me, and I understand that, but for months afterwards my sister was also worried and a bit freaked by the whole thing. Now two of my sisters know about my dressing habits, and he knows as well. He didn't tell my Mum thankfully, cos she'd go crazy. My sister told me I should go back and talk to him, and reassure him I was safe, and wasn't having gay sex - so I did that, and he was very easy to talk to, and handled it very well, better than most dads would. He didn't judge me or anything.

So similarly, I'm not judging him, but DID want to get as much info as possible before I approached him so that I knew the full story. And now that I do, I will approach it more sensitively!

:eek: You should go on Jerry Springer :eek:

*hides*

Gregor Samsa

theson29 wrote: »

The truth is, this is somewhat a reversal of roles. You see - what I didn't tell you guys about - I'm a transvestite and once my father discovered a yahoo chat window belonging to me on the PC after I'd left it. The chat Window contained a very sexual conversation between me and a tranny-chaser, and in that conversation we arranged to meet each other. Instead of closing the chat Window, my father obviously read it. And instead of coming straight to me, he went to my sister and talked to her about how he was worried about me messing around or getting STDs from having sex in dodgy circumstances!

Now I know two wrongs don't make a right, but there was no need for him to go telling my sister. He was quite worried about me, and I understand that, but for months afterwards my sister was also worried and a bit freaked by the whole thing. Now two of my sisters know about my dressing habits, and he knows as well. He didn't tell my Mum thankfully, cos she'd go crazy. My sister told me I should go back and talk to him, and reassure him I was safe, and wasn't having gay sex - so I did that, and he was very easy to talk to, and handled it very well, better than most dads would. He didn't judge me or anything.

So similarly, I'm not judging him, but DID want to get as much info as possible before I approached him so that I knew the full story. And now that I do, I will approach it more sensitively!

Instead of prompting you create a false identity to snoop on your father, that experience should have taught you to leave well enough alone when it comes to other people's private business.

How would you have felt if your Father had sent you messages to find out what you were up to when he found that chat window open?

DenMan

Hi OP

What do you mean by at 29 you shouldn't be affected by this, I'd be sad too. If I found my Dad had been visiting dating websites without my Mam knowing I'd be pretty upset. Have they had marrital problems recently? You really need to talk to him about this. Your parents marriage may be at stake here. It is not a good situation to be in....for all parties concerned.

Nevyn

madra-rua Unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

Firetrap

OP, I'm not sure what exactly you should or shouldn't do about the situation. It's an awkward one. Having said that, the one thing NOT do is tell your dad about what you've done. If you do confront him, just say you saw him looking at a dating website through the window and ask what that's all about. Leave it at that. What good is telling him that you went on to register on the site and email him going to do?

Ronnette

Hey,
Just from my pov, I can really understand y u would do such a thing and I don't think any little of u for doing so! I believe u did it to find out just how bad things were and what exactly is goin on! Do u think u can really talk to ur dad about this? Or are u thinkin about arranging to meet him (thru the dating site as a woman) and actually turn up at the venue urself and c would he confess at what he's doin?

Either way, my heart goes out to all involved, ur mother because she is clueless as to what's goin on (perhaps), ur dad because he is obviously frustrated right now and u because u are now involved even though u didn't do it intentionally! I couldn't give advice to u because I don't know what I would do unless I was in ur position! Hope it works out, let me know

x