Relationship problems

LegacyUser

Hi all, going unreg for this one.

I have been with my girlfriend for 4 years now, living together 3 odd years.
Thing is in the last 2 years we have had sex at most 1 a month. Sometimes it could go months with no sex at all. We are both in our late 20's. I have tried everything possible at this stage and she just won't talk to me, the excuses are so predictable at this stage it not even funny. I know exactly what excuse each day she is going to come out with.. it ranges from being too tired, having a headache, had a long day in work to me apparently being a prick to her when I haven't done a thing wrong, its too late in the evening (11pm and she would stay awake and watch TV until 1 or 2 in the morning) etc etc.

I am fed up with it at this stage and a month ago I left. I came back at we talked and it was decided that she would make more of an effort. Since then she has made promises that she would be up for it on such a night etc and then when the time comes the excuses just start rolling out.

Since she doesn't like talking about sex then I am kinda snookered, any ideas?

LegacyUser

sex in my experience is an excellant baramoter for teh relationship....she doesn't want it, chances are, there's something very serious going on either with her head, or in your relationship that needs to be talked about now. avoiding sex, is avoiding intimacy- sex bonds a couple, and the fact she's shrinking from that, could mean she's pulling back from you and the relationship. she's not willing to talk about it- have you talked about your relationship recently, where ur going/how u are now? if not, might be time to sort that first, and sex will follow

NeverEnough

NeverEnough wrote: »

Since then she has made promises that she would be up for it on such a night etc and then when the time comes the excuses just start rolling out.

Ah hang on now, I'm not up for people staying in unhappy relationships especially when there's a refusal of communication, but you're making this sound like a business transaction/arrangement? I love sex but I wouldn't sit there and promise "ok 8pm on wednesday night agreed".
Have you tried the usual romantic overtures, nice massage, candlelit bath, etc etc? Or is it just "come here and have sex with me now"?

LegacyUser

bluewolf wrote: »

Ah hang on now, I'm not up for people staying in unhappy relationships especially when there's a refusal of communication, but you're making this sound like a business transaction/arrangement? I love sex but I wouldn't sit there and promise "ok 8pm on wednesday night agreed".
Have you tried the usual romantic overtures, nice massage, candlelit bath, etc etc? Or is it just "come here and have sex with me now"?

Thats part of the problem though, I feel as if it is treated as a business transaction. There doesn't seem to be any interest at all when it comes to sex.

I have tried everything.

Ran her a baths some evenings when she was still in work. Cook the dinner, clean the house etc etc. When she gets in the door she has her dinner and her bath and goes to bed complaining of not feeling well. Everytime I do something nice and romantic all I get is an excuse.

I have spoken to her numerous times about it and all I get is a bag full of excuses and the usual "I'll try harder". But to no avail its the same thing over and over again. I love her to bits but this is driving me mad.

Perhaps you could try sitting her down and saying you're very unhappy with it, she needs to discuss if she has some genuine issues with sex in general or just doesn't want you, or you're walking.
Unless she really does have some deep issues with it I'd be very tempted to walk myself, not just from the lack of sex but from the obvious refusal to communicate and really try and solve the issue. It seems very disrespectful both to you and the relationship to just act like that. Take take take (dinner bath etc) and then basically telling you to f* off afterwards.
It's not about "try harder," it's not household chores you're discussing, it's about feeling loved and wanted and even though I suppose men don't have such the emotional needs we might, you'd still want to feel wanted!
If there's no connection there anymore you're just friends...

LegacyUser

Just from my own experience I just don't like nighttime sex. Early morning or afternoons are it for me. Perhaps this could be an issue for her also?

LegacyUser

ok, i really don't want to sound harsh on this but i'm just going to give you an example...

Your girl was me few years ago, started off with my then bf, all was good, mad about eachother, couldnt get enough of sex..etc..then moved in and a year and half down the line i couldnt help but make excuses NOT to have sex with him..
to the point that sometimes i would go to bed before he comes in and fake being asleep so he wouldnt try....i know it sounds horrible, i am not proud of it at all, i still feel guilty bout that relationship and how i treated him even tho its been over 8 years now.

The thing is i just lost interest in having sex with him, like you, he would do nice things and be romantic and all and it still wouldnt do it for me, he was too...i dont know...easy/available/predictable.. God ! i know how bad it is saying that but to be honest i just lost the attraction for him. I did love him but it just wasnt there anymore even tho he tried and tried to please me and was sooo damn patient with me.
Then i started to be attracted to other guys, then i knew our relationship was doomed then. there was no going back, and he felt it too i think, told him i wanted a break to figure things out and he said after that long together its not a break, its eather we re together or we break up.
We broke up...

I think what you could do in my opinion is take some distance, maybe stay somewhere else for a while...maybe rekinkle how your story started...if she ends up missing you maybe the chemistry will come back for her again. i dont know its just a suggestion.

Best of luck!

LegacyUser

Hi OP - how does your GF feel about herself at the minute? - have you asked or discussed this with her? Perhaps also, it is now a question of feeling self-conscious and awkward about having sex because it has been such a long time / become less & less frequent... Speaking from experience here 18 months ago i started working 2 jobs, was up & out earlier than my OH everyday and home later - I was knackered, physically & mentally (by my schedule) and emotionally (by the pressure I felt that i was neglecting his needs, as it were)...The less frequent the sex became, the more anxious,stressed and self-conscious i got about it, causing me to avoid it more - vicious cycle! - at it's worst, we having sex once a month but we've turned it around and while we're not having sex every night now, we have come through it by realising we have to be fair and compromise more and communicate more - if she is unwilling to communicate what is really wrong (on her side) she has to be willing to risk losing you... She cannot expect you to remain in a relationship that is all on her terms (which it seems to be at the moment)...

Rb

It won't improve.

Dump her.

LegacyUser

HI OP, I'm the same as the other unregistered poster and your girlfriend: made every excuse under the sun to avoid having sex with my ex and like yourself, he tried everything to "get me in the mood" but I just wasn't interested. I just didn't fancy him anymore, simple as that. The chemistry just died. I thought it might have been a dose of delayed Catholic Guilt kicking in after all those years of sexual activity but I've never had any hang-ups when it comes to sex and still don't...I love it but I just didn't like it with my ex. My ex blamed himself for having too high of a sexual drive (poor fella when I think back now) but his was definitely a match for my own...if I fancied him. I blamed myself, work, stress blah blah (never blamed him though) instead of facing up to the truth.

I ended up being the one to break up with HIM and it should've been the other way round...this went on for months and months and to be honest, I lost a bit of respect for him near the end because he should have copped the hell on dumped me long before I dumped him.

I know you don't want to hear this but sex is essential in a relationship, particularly for a young couple like yourselves...or else you're just buddies who share bed. I'm guessing your girlfriend doesn't fancy you anymore OP. It could be the case that she's insecure about herself but this situation is very like my own. Don't waste you're time in unfulfilling relationships OP...life it too short...I wish my ex realised that long before I ended it.

BUT can I just say....just because she might not fancy you anymore, this is absolutely NO reflection on you!! My ex was a lovely, funny, kind lad and physically he was gorgeous....last I heard through mutual friends he's a big hit with the ladies and I'm delighted he's happy instead of wasting the best years of his life with someone who didn't fancy him anymore.

Just my 2c

Rb

Me too wrote: »

I ended up being the one to break up with HIM and it should've been the other way round...this went on for months and months and to be honest, I lost a bit of respect for him near the end because he should have copped the hell on dumped me long before I dumped him.

I'd question how much respect you had for yourself after acting like such a coward and treating him in such a way as to avoid having to do something difficult yourself tbh.

LegacyUser

Rb wrote: »

I'd question how much respect you had for yourself after acting like such a coward and treating him in such a way as to avoid having to do something difficult yourself tbh.

Not much I'm sure and yeah, I was a coward but I honestly didn't know what the problem was. We were together for 4 years and suddenly I didn't fancy him anymore...I was as confused as him and the only reason I avoided it was because I didn't want to believe I didn't fancy the man I still loved...the love was there but not the lust and you need both or else it's just friendship. I think we were both cowards, to be honest...neither of us was willing to face the facts. At the end of the day, I DID end it, not him and it should have been him.

Anyway, not my thread...I'm just saying he should end it before she does. He knows in his heart of hearts that this is not right.

Wagon

Unregistered wrote: »

The thing is i just lost interest in having sex with him, like you, he would do nice things and be romantic and all and it still wouldnt do it for me, he was too...i dont know...easy/available/predictable.. God ! i know how bad it is saying that but to be honest i just lost the attraction for him. I did love him but it just wasnt there anymore even tho he tried and tried to please me and was sooo damn patient with me.

And what did you want? Him to force you into a bed and make you have sex? You'd be calling it rape then.

Unregistered wrote: »

I think we were both cowards, to be honest...neither of us was willing to face the facts. At the end of the day, I DID end it, not him and it should have been him.

No, it should have been you who ended it i believe. He tried to fix it while you stayed in denial there was a problem. So the blame lies with you on this one im afraid.

Anyway, not my thread...I'm just saying he should end it before she does. He knows in his heart of hearts that this is not right.

Again, she should have ended it long ago to avoid letting the chap waste his time. but of course, emotional support isn't something you find anywhere.

To be honest OP, i'd give up. you can't change someone who doesn't want t change. Actions speak louder than words and she hasn't made the slightest effort whatsoever.

In her mind:
she doesn't want to have sex, and if you love her you will respect her decision.

Reality: bóllocks. That isnt' a real relationship.

So personally i'd give up properly and leave her.

LegacyUser

Wagon wrote: »

And what did you want? Him to force you into a bed and make you have sex? You'd be calling it rape then.


No, it should have been you who ended it i believe. He tried to fix it while you stayed in denial there was a problem. So the blame lies with you on this one im afraid.

Again, she should have ended it long ago to avoid letting the chap waste his time. but of course, emotional support isn't something you find anywhere.

To be honest OP, i'd give up. you can't change someone who doesn't want t change. Actions speak louder than words and she hasn't made the slightest effort whatsoever.

In her mind:
she doesn't want to have sex, and if you love her you will respect her decision.

Reality: bóllocks. That isnt' a real relationship.

So personally i'd give up properly and leave her.

That's exactly what I'm saying, Wagon. I'm putting the blame soley on myself...I never ONCE blamed him for wanting to have sex with his girlfriend, of course not! I did end it, maybe not when I should have but to be honest, I was expecting to be dumped long before I ended it. I was the one who dumped him, I was the one who broke his heart, I was the one who undermined his confidence and had the upper-hand and this wasn't right. That's all I'm saying. I still feel guilty about it to this day (this was in my mid-twenties...about 5 years ago now) and I apologised gfor what I did but that's all very well in hindsight. What's done is done. I would've done things differently (faced up to the situation and been honest with myself and him) but hindsight is a wonderful thing. People don't always act rationally when they're in a relationship and I wish I had the sense to ask someone else's opinon like the OP. At the end of the day, SOMEONE should end this and if the OP's girlfriend is not willing to face up to the fact that there's a problem, then it should be him.

Wibbs

While Me too! handled it clumsily, I don't think she should be pilloried for it either.

Personal theory alert and IMHO. This happens in long termers more with women than men and most men don't understand it. The woman wakes up one day and just doesn't feel it. Most of the time she can't explain it to herself either. I mean in her head she still loves this man, sometimes very deeply, but she finds him physically a turn off. So what does she do? Most of the time she fights for the relationship because she does love him. She blames herself for going off him. She blames the lack of novelty, so she sticks around hoping her feelings will change. Sometimes they do, but 9 times outa 10 they don't. The man will either back off and blame himself but will also stick around hoping it'll change. Many men will up the romance but that often doesn't work as fundementally the woman has lost her sexual attraction for the guy.

IMHO why this happens is twofold. One the affair/honeymoon hormones are run dry. The transition into the long term future is now in play. With the madly in love mask lifted any incompatibilities are more to the fore. Then with many men they get into a status quo as the years go by, so they see this less. They are usually less attentive too and I dont mean sexually/romantically either. Usually practically.

Little boxes get ticked in the woman's mind about the guy. If too many bad boxes are ticked then the first sign for her is her sexual attraction going south. The two aren't often connected though as they still love the guy. This is a major headwreck for them and as I say they stick it out hoping it'll change as they don't want the relationship to fail, they're afraid of starting a new relationship with someone else all over again and they don't want to be alone for the most part(hence many women go straight from one to the next to avoid that).

It's happened in relationships I've been in. More than once. I would spot it now though. There is a point where they looked at me differently. They still loved me, but a switch was thrown. They all stuck around and usually they left when they met someone else and the love buzz kicked of and made it easier to leave. Hell I've had exes who were closer to me after they left than they were with the guy they dumped me for. Not healthy either for them as much as me.

So if it is happenning and you see it, how do you stop it? Hard one. Giving her space can work, but can also cause a panic reaction making her stay rather than an attraction reaction. I would say forget the sex bit. Look at the relationship objectively. Is it moving forward or stagnant? Have you taken the relationship to the next step, moving in together, real concrete thoughts of a future together? Have you ignored these? If so then that's death to a lot of women. They are in general more step based than men. Meet-date-exclusive dating-BF/GF-holidays together-moving in together-talks of future-engagement-preparation for marriage-kids- etc. Left up to themselves many if not most men work on the principle, "if it's not broke, leave well alone". Women are not like that in general. Not by comparison and if the nookie has gone south it is broke so you need to fix it.

My 2 cents anyway.